X Factor Betting

Hear that noise? That tiny high-pitched squeaking noise? That’s us farting in terror at the realisation that a new series of X Factor is just weeks away.

Because every year it’s always the bloody same - week after week of listening to turgid Whitney Houston cover versions sung by blubbering personality voids, all preceded by Simon Cowell going on a whistlestop tour of the country to tell everyone in each region that they’re awful at singing and should probably try killing themselves.

Most recently, Simon Cowell has been to Wales. Cue predictable outrage in 5, 4, 3, 2…

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X Factor ended less than a month ago but, like a child trying to cope with a disturbing period of abuse, we've already blocked it out emotionally.

As such, we can't remember a single thing about last year's X Factor - we seem to recall that it was won by a plank of balsa wood dressed as Frank Sinatra that couldn't stop crying, but that's about it. Anyway, apparently someone from X Factor called Rhydian Roberts has just signed a million-pound record deal.

Wait, no, it's all coming back. Make it stop! Lord, make it stop! Mother! The pain!

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Television phone-in contests have had a tough old time this year.

First there was the Richard And Judy You Say, We Pay malarkey. Then GMTV got embroiled in a similar sort of scandal. And hit ITV show Phone In And Give Us Lots Of Money While Attempting To Find Wholly Arbitrary Answers To Pointless Questions, You Pathetic Gullible Cretins raised more than a few eyebrows out there in viewerland.  Surely things couldn't get any worse, right?

Think again. X Factor - grandaddy of all slightly plebeian dial-a-vote TV fests - has sparked off a whole new controversy following allegations that the result was a bloody great big fix. Over 1,500 viewers have called Ofcom so far to complain, meaning that a) they're either really, really  angry, or b) they were trying to get through to Simpleton Ring-A-Ling Money Grab and their fingers were too greasy from the massive KFC bucket on their lap to dial the right digits.

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Chances are that Rhydian Roberts expected to wake up this morning as the X Factor champion, but that just didn't happen thanks to the inexplicable popularity of that funny-looking Scottish boy with the ratty hair.

Historically the X Factor silver medallist is consigned to a simple future - one badly-selling album of Michael Ball cover versions that only gets television coverage on GMTV and then a couple of years of doing corporate shows for 50p and a handful of cakes - but Rhydian Roberts might just escape that, because Simon Cowell has signed Rhydian up and wants him to rush an album out before he ends up inevitably playing the Phantom Of The Opera. And, all being well, Rhydian's album To You Love Rhydian: Rhydian Sings The Best Of Ball should be released early next year.

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Leon Jackson - the red-eyed Scottish boy who only managed to stop crying for about three seconds in the entire second half of 2007 - has won X Factor.

It was a surprise result for sure, since operatic weirdo Rhydian Roberts had been tipped to become the X Factor winner right from day one, but Leon Jackson proved that he had the winning mix of weird-haired good looks, strong regional support and the ability to burst into tears every time he said a word that even sounded like 'mum'. And now, thanks to his X Factor win, Leon Jackson has been almost guaranteed to get the Christmas number one with his single When You Believe - a song that was instantly available to download for anyone who wasn't completely sick of the twatting thing after it was played about 19,000 times in a row during the last 20 minutes of the X Factor final.

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X Factor presenter and general counter-culture icon Dermot O'Leary has stuck it to the man once again, but it may be once too far, as this time the man is Celine Dion.

You'll remember that when she was on the show, Celine Dion was discussing the X Factor contestants with O'Leary live on air. Celine wanted to discuss all the contestants on the show, one by one, in a slow, dragging dialogue, with no regard to TV scheduling or the interests of others. And why shouldn’t she; her voice, after all, was the voice that sang over the closing credits of Titanic, making her forever synonymous with the sight of our lovely Jack’s tiny frozen face sinking away into the awful darkness of eternity.

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Remember when this series of X Factor started and everyone said that the final this year would be an orgy of megastardom, topped off with the triumphant live return of Michael Jackson?

Things haven't quite worked out that way. Instead, the special celebrity guests set to appear on Saturday's X Factor final are Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan - a woman with an underperforming album and a man most recently seen on TV advertising prawn rings with Kerry Katona during I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. We're going to have to invest in some lead-lined sunglasses before Saturday's X Factor final, in case the incandescent star wattage of two people who recorded an ironic Christmas power ballad together 19 years ago burns our eyeballs into raisins.

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So this is it, the last time we mention X Factor around these parts this year, at least until we stop to marvel at the dreadfully mushy power ballad that Rhydian Roberts will release as his first single right before Christmas.

Have you placed an X Factor bet this season yet? You'd be sort of dumb if you haven't - even though there's a clear favourite to win, the odds are still remarkably long. Maybe it's time you took a punt - there's really not any way it could be any harder. And then at least when you've won a pile of money from the result of the X Factor final you'll feel a lot less dirty about basically funding Louis Walsh's hair-fluffing habit. So - last X Factor betting odds of the series. Ready?

Good - then here are the X Factor betting odds for Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power…

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How wrong were we? Niki Evans - the singer who we were convinced would come second in this year's X Factor - actually ended up coming fourth in this year's X Factor; the same as The MacDonald Brothers did last year, the lucky cow.

In hindsight, though, it was no surprise that Niki Evans got voted off X Factor so early. No matter how proficient they are, older ladies never make it to the X Factor final - especially ones like Niki, who think that they can get away with opening shows by murmuring out dreary Eva Cassidy covers and then get all indignant because nobody seems to like it much. Still, at least now that Niki Evans has been eliminated from X Factor the show's prop department can put away those horrible black candlesticks that appear to have been stolen from the set of a 1970s low-budget European movie about sexy vampires.

But without Niki Evans in it, who'll win the X Factor final on Saturday? Here's part one of this week's X Factor betting odds - for Same Difference and Leon Jackson - with help from Paddy Power…

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Hey kids, ever wondered why X Factor favourite Rhydian Roberts can't sing anything but churchy musical numbers without looking like he's secretly dying of awkwardness on the inside?

Turns out it's because Rhydian is a Christian. And a virgin. But not a gay one. Speaking to The Mirror today, 24-year-old Rhydian Roberts has confirmed the obvious and admitted that he's a virgin who won't have sex with anyone before marriage. But he definitely isn't gay, something proved by the way Rhydian regularly sees girls and thinks "Grr, I'd do her," before thinking a little more quietly "just as soon as I've formed a legally-binding tie with her in front of all my friends and family in a prohibitively expensive ceremony, and then promised to God that I'll never split up with her, ever." 

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Now that only four X Factor contestants remain, the show's production team knows it has to raise the bar again and again to make sure that each episode reaches even headier heights than the last.

And that's got a lot to do with what X Factor themes are chosen. For example, Saturday's X Factor was all about the Best Of British, which allowed the remaining X Factor contestants to sing about a million Queen songs - technically making the Best Of British Night a Best Of British (And A Bit Zanzibarian) Night - and an American version of a Sting song. And this week, we have a feeling that the X Factor theme is 'songs'. We're especially looking forward to that one.

But who's going to win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Leon Jackson and Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power…

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Bad news for fans of pretty girls wigging about in their pants - Hope are the latest act to be ejected from X Factor, something that means the only female eye candy left on X Factor comes in the form of a self-satisfied school dinnerlady.

That's not to say that Hope didn't deserve to be booted out of X Factor, though - they absolutely did, thanks to a lukewarm performance of 2 Become 1 and a version of We Will Rock You that served only as an excuse for each member of Hope to go "WooooahohhAHHHOOOOH!" in turn. But don't worry, Hope fans - the group promises that it will absolutely stay together forever now, which will at least start a medium-sized bidding war between a handful of subscription-based soft-pornography digital TV channels if nothing else.

But now that Hope are out of X Factor, who's going to win? Here are the X Factor betting odds - for Same Difference and Niki Evans - with help from Paddy Power…

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