Web/Tech

The whole world loves internet sex tapes, as they give it the chance to say "oh, so that's how they have sex" or, in Meg White from the White Stripes' case, "oh, so that's how they have sex - also, is that the smell of my retinas burning?"

Yesterday, very briefly, the internet go very excited. Not about a YouTube video of a bear on a hammock or a compulsively-forwarded email hilariously spoofing the Mastercard adverts, but by what appeared to be a Meg White tape. "Finally!" the world thought, "Now I no longer have to imagine which facial expressions the dumpy plain female drummer from The White Stripes - who I've never had a single sexual thought about - pulls as she's getting done by some bloke in a grotty bedroom." But, just as soon as the Meg White sex tape furore started, the Meg White sex tape has been dismissed as a fake. Thanks a lot, the internet - but can someone tell us who to bill for all our teeth that got partially dissolved by vomit just now? 

Read the rest of this entry »

Hey kids, forget everything your parents told you about working hard - it appears the best way to achieve success is to start wailing uncontrollably on YouTube because someone you inexplicably admire is acting like a dickhead.

Pretty much the whole world has seen the YouTube video called 'LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!' in which a desperately androgynous young person cries and cries and cries and threatens to kill himself unless people stop writing mean things about Britney Spears all the time. Well, it seems like the TV buzz-phrase this season is 'uncomfortably unstable Britney Spears obsessives' because Chris Crocker, the star of the 'LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!' YouTube video has just signed a deal to star in his own TV show. Although details are scant about Chris Crocker's TV project, it's thought to be a cross between Avocats et Associés and a sobbing fucking moron getting disturbingly worked up about someone he's never met doing something that'll never affect him like a tit.

Read the rest of this entry »

The mobile phone - possibly, in terms of inventions, the broadest double-edged sword in history.

Sure, there are all sorts of good things about them: they enable you to communicate wherever you are, they've revolutionised industries the world over, and they enable you to play crudely-animated tennis games in the middle of boring wedding ceremonies and the like.

Yet there's also a less-than-savoury side to the little fellas. God knows which bright spark thought it would be a good idea to put a tinny mini-stereo-speaker on each and every handset, but if hecklerspray has to listen to one more Burberry-clad scumfuck blasting out Akon on the bus in the morning, we're not going to be responsible for our actions. We haven't been polishing that shotgun for the good of our health, you know.

Another place that mobile phones are a nuisance? The cinema, that's where. And no-one could agree more with that than beardy director-type Ridley Scott.

Read the rest of this entry »

Now that the new football season has started, you'll never again be short of overhearing a pub conversation about sport between men who are all desperately frightened of being caught out and exposed as a non-sport loving charlatan.

But if you want to join in with the boys without using sport as an emotional crutch, here's the FHM Championship Of Women. It's a bunch of pretty girls dressed in football kits. That's probably all you need to know about the FHM Championship Of Women, but if it isn't here goes - each Premiership club is represented by a girl and each week the real-life Premiership fixtures are played out on FHM's website, where you chooses who wins by clicking on the prettiest girl. Simple as that - the FHM Championship Of Women is a giant catch-all game, suitable for boring sportsy folk and men who smell like they masturbate quite a lot too.

20 Girls, 20 Teams, 1 Winner, It's the beautiful game! Visit www.fhm.com/championship to vote! 

Because hecklerspray hasn’t turned itself into a print publication that you can physically hold and lick yet, we can rest assured that you’ll be reading this off a computer. Or if you’re really fancy, one of those new fangled mobile phones that have the internet on them.

Unfortunately, if you aren’t reading this off the latter it sadly means that you’re going to be off Elton John’s Christmas card list this year. You see, the cake-munching pianist has thrown a hissy fit about the internet and wants it banned.  

But why the fuss over something that is now integrated into most of our daily lives? Well of course if Elton John is whining about something, it has to be connected to him in some tedious way. In true diva style, he blames the internet for destroying so-called good music and letting shit music filter through. For once we can almost agree with a ridiculous statement made by someone famous - after all, the internet invented MySpace and MySpace gave us Lily Allen.

Read the rest of this entry »

The world of Fan Fiction has always been a murky one.

Whether its badly-scribbled nonsense about fictional characters or wishful rhetoric about real-life people, chances are its going to be essentially harmless. After all, the people who write that kind of stuff presumably never leave the house anyway, so what danger are they going to be to anyone?

Occasionally, though, the odd nutcase slips through.

Just like the one who's stalking Girls Aloud.

Read the rest of this entry »

hecklerspray hates it when those famous-types won't listen to us.

Like that time we wrote to Halle Berry with those brilliant Catwoman sequel ideas. Man - that erotic litterbox scene would have been an absolute killer. If only she'd paid attention. In fact, if only there were any celebrities who would heed our word, instead of ignoring us or hanging up the phone or bribing judges to come up with utterly unfair 'restraining orders'. We have so much advice to offer.

The Spice Girls, for example. Think of the pearls of wisdom we could dispatch to them: stuff like 'please don't reform, you pointless menopausal dance-troupe' or 'hey gals! We've heard that arsenic kicks the shit out of cocoa in the bedtime-drink stakes.'

But no. Apparently they don't want to hear any of that. Apparently the only advice they want is about where to perform a gig or something.

Ungrateful wretches.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hecklerspray is generous, loving, giving, caring and considerate. We consider ourselves modern-day saints and are standing by our phones for the Pope to ring so he can make us all saints for the 2008 remixed version of the Bible.

We know when his holiness will ring as his personalised ring tone is Pulp’s Disco 2000. Everyone else in our phone book ring under various Shed 7 songs. But what makes us so generous? Well apart from giving gypsies the remains of our lunch on the way home from work we like to also paint messages on our hand like Chris Martin from Coldplay and preach bollocks to people that we don’t care about. But we’re not the only ones. Trouser-loving Simon Cowell has oddly stepped up to help the RSPCA stop animal cruelty.  

Read the rest of this entry »

Mumbling rapper 50 Cent is apparently a little bit peeved about getting shot at.

Not the nine bullet wounds he so tiresomely waffles on about - in fact, he seems quite content to mention that at every available opportunity, and will continue to do so on his upcoming run of albums I Was Shot Nine Times, Nine Shots Hit Me, Nine Separate Bullets Failed To Kill Me and Nine Shot Gun Bullet Nine Bangy-Bang Nine (9).

He's actually more upset about his likeness being used by an Internet advertising company. Traffix Inc rather naughtily pilfered Fiddy's image and plonked it in an online game called Shoot The Rapper. Rather disappointingly, the net result doesn't involve 50 Cent actually being shot - instead, the user is ushered on over to Traffix Inc's client website.

Just as well, really … one more gunshot wound and we'd never hear the end of it.

Read the rest of this entry »

Over the last few months it's become trendy for female singers to bash Lily Allen, but they'd better stop right away before Lily Allen unleashes her third nipple and sets it after them like a small angry dog made of nipples.

That's right, Lily Allen has a third nipple. Most of you will already know that Lily Allen has a third nipple because she whipped it out and displayed it in front of everyone on last week's The Friday Night Project. Obviously none of you actually saw The Friday Night Project - we've had evenings of eyeball/biro acupuncture more enjoyable than watching that show - but the clip of Lily Allen has become a YouTube sensation, racking up three quarters of a million views already. In fact, the success of Lily Allen waving her third nipple around has been so huge that Lilly Allen's third nipple has already been signed up to perform the theme-tune to the next James Bond movie.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hey, you there! Do you hate your job? More pertinently, do you hate your job enough to quit it to go and work as the personal assistant for Diddy, one of the few men obnoxious enough to split up with his wife just after she had his children?

You do? Well that's just great, because Diddy is looking for a new assistant. What's more - Diddy is looking for a new assistant online. Diddy has posted a video on YouTube asking his fans to send him videos of themselves auditioning for the role of his personal assistant. In effect, what Diddy is actually doing is starting up a new socially democratic version of American Idol, only a version of American Idol where - instead of becoming a multimillionaire pop sensation - the prize is getting yelled at by Diddy all day because his coffee isn't hot enough and you're not doing a good enough job of covering up the fact that he's probably boning Sienna Miller.

Read the rest of this entry »

Online comedy is a vastly diverse creature - one on hand you've got the peerless The Onion, and on the other hand you've got a 30-second video of a cat spazzing out on YouTube. And somewhere in the middle is Where Are The Joneses.

The official line is that Where Are The Jonses - from Steve Coogan's comedy powerhouse Baby Cow - is the first ever online, daily, comedy sitcom which uses wiki technology to allow the audience to upload storylines, scripts characters and locations. The premise of Where Are The Joneses has almost limitless potential - Dawn Jones's father is a sperm donor, and she travels around Europe meeting members of her new family. But what the way that Where Are The Joneses is made  is twofold - by allowing anyone to submit ideas to Where Are The Joneses, the quality of the show can be a bit up and down; but also, you're all smart, clever, funny people - so what's stopping you from making Where Are The Joneses even better? Let us know if you get an idea on Where Are The Joneses and we'll probably even bung them up here too.

wherearethejoneses.com