Web/Tech

Reality TV is brilliant.

Seriously. Why, hecklerspray simply can’t wait for the Autumn season and the superb roster of new shows it’ll bring - from Celebrity Piss Drinking to Maggot Farm Teen Romance to Look At Me, Look At Me, I Lack Any Real Basic Talent Or Charm But Look At Me Anyway.

Of course, there are many that claim the genre to have a tired and rather predictable formula. We say: bah! Just take a look at this clip and treat yourself to the wide variety of cliche-free, independent-minded characters the wonderful world of the tellybox has to offer.

If we could only harness the power of stupidity, then the upcoming global energy crisis would be no cause for concern whatsoever.

In fact, given the level of lunacy collected on spEak You’re bRanes - a site named after the classic segment on The Day Today - the planet would have so much excess power whirring around that we’d be forced to jettison some of it into space, thereby knocking the moon out of orbit and upsetting UFO pilots.

All the comments on spEak You’re bRanes are taken directly from the ‘Have Your Say’ section of the BBC News website. It’s essentially a ‘best of the worst’ of amazingly misguided public opinion. Be warned, however - trawl these archives and you’ll find that the eternal laugh/cry dichotomy has never been so stark nor so fierce…

spEak You’re bRanes

Hecklerspray once tried faking a heart attack.

We weren’t very good at it - all that foaming at the mouth, flailing our arms around and screeching out incomprehensible wails and grunts simply made people think that we were some sort of Pete Doherty tribute act, whereupon they either gave us a tenner to scurry off and buy a bag of heroin or just slapped us in the face repeatedly. Mainly the latter.

Still. Our attempt was, like, six million billion times better than that of Keison Wilkins. Who he? He’s the chap who, after deciding to defend himself in court, thought that the best course of action was to fake a heart attack and hope for a mistrial.

He failed.

And was sentenced to 42 years.

The early ’90s, eh?

Who can forget those heady days of Global Hypercolour t-shirts, Monster In My Pocket collectible figurines and Channel 4’s Red Light Zone? Jesus - who on Earth can forget Channel 4’s Red Light Zone? Certainly not anyone who was entering adolescence and had a portable TV set in their room, that’s for sure.

Why are we waffling on about the early ’90s so much? Because that’s where this here clip originates from. It’s the first in a new feature called Hecklerspray Oddities (original working title: Clips That We Quite Like But Couldn’t Really Find Any Other Way Of Linking To Them On The Site), in which we present to you a series of clips that we quite like but couldn’t really find any other way of linking to them on the site.

Enjoy, then, a young Jim Carrey partaking in a spot-on sketch show spoof of The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

We’ve just been handed details on how you can get your hands on two free music downloads, but you’ll have to move fast.

Fashion and beauty website OSOYOU, responsible for all the cleavage competitions we’ve been telling you about lately, is giving away two free music downloads from 7digital.com to the next 500 people who join the site. Needless to say, unless you’re a bloke who really loves fashion and beauty, this one’s probably best left to the girls.

And, once you’ve joined OSOYOU for free, you’ll be exposed to an array of fashion and beauty tips and trends so dazzling that you’ll never want to leave. So hurry up.

Sign up for your free downloads now

As some of you probably know, trip-hop sloths Portishead have finally got round to squeaking out their third album in, like, 400 years or something, entitled Third.

To help promote it, Portishead recently debuted seven songs from Third on Current TV in a 35-minute special. And Current TV being what it is, the entire performance went on the internet. And the internet being what it is, we’ve pinched it so you can watch it all here.

It’s actually pretty good, especially if you like music that sounds like an asthmatic having a panic attack at the bottom of a well. Enjoy.

Knife fights are the bane of our bloody lives. Perhaps it’s because we joined that latino street gang, or perhaps it’s because when we get together we all walk down the street clicking our fingers like ponces, but everyone keeps trying to stab us.

But not any more. Now we’ve seen this instructional video on how to win at street knife fights, we’re going to be unstoppable. And you can, too, if you watch it. We’re no experts, but we’d say that this is probably the best murder tutorial presented by a bearded, ponytailed man called Animal and his even more terrifyingly demented sidekick who probably doesn’t even have a name that we’ve ever seen.

The Big Brother ‘Where Are They Now?’ file is giant and largely pointless, full of Nuts covershoots and hamfisted stabs at TV presenting.

And then there’s Samanda. You know - Samanda. They were twins from last year’s Big Brother. One of them was called Sam and one of them was called Amanda. They were shit, but they almost won. Remember? The only thing either of them said from beginning to end for the entire length of the series was the word ‘pink’. Ah, now you remember.

Since leaving Big Brother, Samanda released a cover version of Barbie Girl that couldn’t have been any more terrible if it was a Finnish death metal song called Rape The Young. The song rightfully failed, which is why Samanda have implemented Plan B.

And Plan B, believe it or not, is a fashion column on the internet. We know, we’re as staggered as you are. As far as we were aware, neither Sam or Amanda could even speak a coherent sentence, let alone write one. And yet here they are blabbing away about clothes like they’re bloody experts.

Want to know what Samanda thinks about floral prints? About Agyness Deyn? About the French first lady? Oh you bloody do. Which is why you should probably click the link below.

Read more:

Samanda - Osoyou

Just take a look at these gentlemen. 

Well - can you do it? Can you?

Tell you what: if any of you dear hecklers want to have a go at this, film your attempts and upload them to YouTube. Put a link to them in the comments section below, and - provided the standard is high - we may even choose a winner to take home a genuine prize. And - if enough of you do it -  maybe some members of the hecklerspray staff will have a try as well.

Maybe.

Remember when Sarah Silverman's video I'm Fucking Matt Damon came out and it was funny?

Yeah, seems so long ago, doesn't it. That was before I'm Fucking Seth Rogen came out and was less funny, and long before Jimmy Kimmel's I'm Fucking Ben Affleck came out and was about as funny as exploding mumps. Now the trend's been ridden so far into the dirt that people would generally rather watch a video of a kitten being stomped on than another I'm Fucking… parody. So, hey, here's a video called I'm Fucking Obama.

Yes. We know. But, mercy of mercies, I'm Fucking Obama actually made us smile. Once. So watch it. But, please, nobody make any more. We'd hate to have to kill you. 

We ran a race once when we were ten and got second place. Second place isn’t bad for a chubby little kid with a bad perm. We got a medal and everything. Do you think they gave a medal to the person that came in 785th place in that race? Do you? Well, they most certainly didn’t. Not only because there were only about 30 kids in the race, but also because 785th place isn’t really a place at all. It’s hundreds of spots away from the winner. It’s where the losers hang out. 

Know who’s a 785th place loser, too? Facebook originator Mark Zuckerberg, that’s who. What a slacker. He’s probably all boo-hoo about being 785th place. What’s that? The thing for which he placed 785th was the list of richest people in the world?  

Well, then that’s not too shabby out of billions of people, now is it. 

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Remember that video about Sarah Silverman having sex with Matt Damon and how you thought it was funny but sort of wished that nobody would dilute it by imitating it.

Well, consider it imitated. Imitated by Sarah Silverman's boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. You see, if Sarah Silverman is fucking Matt Damon, then in the new video Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck.

And the video is hilarious, really. Because, you know, Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Affleck are both men, and if they're both having sex with each other then that means they're gay. And gay is funny these days, right? It's OK to laugh at gay people, because it shows you understand them. But don't let them touch you. Never let them actually touch you. Ugh. 

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