Vote Laverty

In which hecklerspray writer Chris Laverty chronicles his ultimately doomed efforts to win the Empire Thunderdome writing competition… 

Month 4: They called me ‘Heckler’!

There was a moment, right before I picked up last month's magazine, where I seriously started to wonder what the judges had said about me. It never occurred before that moment, especially with that previous issue's derogatory example; just getting through remained priority number one.

Anyway, with hopeful optimism I opened the magazine and saw that again, for the second time running, your man at hecklerspray is about as popular as a cool refreshing can of Toilet Duck. It stings, and I now feel annoyed at myself for changing tact. Trying to show my feminine side, what was I thinking? I very quickly discover, thanks to the forum, that the Empire demographic is young adult males with an interest in action movies; not indie-queen Felicity Huffman. A bit like on here then. The website I write for. Our demographic.

I can be such a dumb fuck sometimes.

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Regular readers of hecklerspray will be aware of our campaign to help our esteemed writer Chris Laverty win the Empire Thunderdome competition - sort of like American Idol only without all the abuse towards mentally ill people.

And goodness gracious us, did you ever respond to our campaign in a hardcore way. Thanks to you, hecklerspray readers, Chris Laverty received thousands of votes. Millions. So many votes, in fact, that he's been, um, booted out of the competition. For cheating. Oh…

To spice up the Thunderdome, Empire had a double eviction in this month's issue. One poor sap - ironically the best of the non-hecklerspray, non-pretty Danish girl bunch in our opinion - was eliminated for gaining the least amounts of votes. And then there's Laverty, eliminated because you lot all voted for him so much that the competition became abnormally skewed in his favour. So, um, sorry Chris. We did tell you that you'd never leave us, though. Listen next time.

Chris Laverty himself will be here next week with his final Thunderdome Diary entry to give his version of events, but if you want to read his loser's interview - and see the word 'hecklerspray' printed in an unusually small font in a national movie magazine - be sure to buy a copy of this month's Empire. Or at least stand in Tesco Express reading it until a security guard tells you to bugger off. Like we did.

In which hecklerspray writer Chris Laverty chronicles his efforts to win the X Factor-style Empire Thunderdome writing competition…

Month 3: Marmite

A nice turn of phrase from one of the Empire judges in last month’s magazine, "I instinctively dislike you." Score!

Still, this hecklerspray nut has had a lot worse thrown at him on home turf. Being referred to as a "place to put shit" being among the most inspired. And if truth were told, being the villain is kinda fun.

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By now, regular hecklerspray readers will know all about our very own Chris Laverty's quest to be crowned winner of Empire magazine's Thunderdome competition - like American Idol but more about writing and less about angrily demanding to see Simon Cowell's work permit.

And here's the good news - Chris has made it through yet another stage of the competition with flying colours, but he still needs all the help your feeble mortal bodies can give him. The rules of Empire Thunderdome are still the same - you need to go and visit the Empire Thunderdome page and click on Chris Laverty's face again and again until all the repetitive movement knackers your finger beyond repair. It'll be worth the effort, promise.

For those of you who haven't read this month's Empire yet, we snuck into Tescos and read it until we were moved on bought our own copy, so we know that Chris spent last month writing a news story about her out of Desperate Housewives. And Empire told him the story was funny but ultimately inconsequential. It's the hecklerspray way, that's for sure, and almost enough to make us weep a single proud tear.

So what are you waiting for? Go to the Empire Thunderdome page right away and vote for Laverty! Vote like your lives depend on it! And, since Sofie The Pretty Danish Girl bit the dust this month, you've got no excuse to get distracted. Unless disturbingly goonish-looking overweight blokes named after rubbish circus acts are your thing, of course.

Vote For Chris Laverty at Empire Thunderdome now 

In which hecklerspray writer Chris Laverty chronicles his efforts to win the X Factor-style Empire Thunderdome writing competition…

Made it through the first month. Grateful for the votes and am ready to sweat all over again, ‘cos I know that’s what you really want.

Month 2: Being a Bitch

Read the comment about my Payback review printed in the magazine. Totally justified. This is the last time I will mention that cursed ‘deathsticks’ word ever again. Why didn’t I choose B&H or Silk Cut? Both are funny. A momentarily, isolated, lapse in judgement. Nice photo of me in a tux though. You can’t even see the wires.

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So far, so good. Remember all that talk last month about the Empire Thunderdome - a sort of X Factor for people who want to carp on about Steven Soderbergh instead of people who want to get Christmas number one singles? Well it's back.

Actually, that's kind of a lie. Empire Thunderdome never really went away, but the first hopeful has been eliminated - even though we can't actually remember who it was that got the chop - so it's time to get voting for hecklerspray's very own Chris Laverty all over again. This month's Empire Thunderdome task involved Chris slagging off one of the other contenders - a task he accomplished with such verve that even Empire itself took offence. Attaboy, Chris.

But Chris won't get far without your help. Each and every one of you needs to visit the Empire Thunderdome page and vote as many times for Chris Laverty. That's Chris Laverty. Not Sofie, the alarmingly pretty Danish girl who's also in the competiton. We're fully aware that Sofie is roughly 900% prettier than Chris is, but don't vote for her. Vote for Chris Laverty. God will save you a space in heaven if you do. OK, that's a lie too. We'll save you a space in the back of our 1982 Nissan Sunny. Or at least we would if we had one. Look, just vote Chris would you.

Vote For Chris Laverty at Empire Thunderdome now  

Remember yesterday we told you that our very own Chris Laverty had made it into the final ten of the Empire Thunderdome film writers contest and that you should go and vote for him a whole load of times?

Good. We're glad that you do. But we know you're essentially very lazy people, so we've following up our plea with something a bit special. That's right - in a transparent attempt to get you to vote for him, young Mr Bigshot Film Magazine Writer Chris Laverty has put together part one of the hopefully long-running Empire Thunderdome Diaries, where he'll share the laughter, the tears and the frustration that comes from writing about films you like to go and see. Ready? Then read on… 

Empire Thunderdome – hecklerspray is in, folks!

If you buy a copy of this month’s Empire magazine (which you should, as it has really hit its stride again), then you will find me in there, Chris Laverty – Thunderdome finalist.

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You see that man? Go on, take him all in. That's Chris Laverty, that is, and he's one of us. Well, at least he's one of us for now - there's quite the chance he'll eff off and work for Empire before too long.

Anyone who reads Empire magazine - and really, if you don't you're missing out on a treat - will be aware of the Empire Thunderdome competition, where a group of aspiring film writers take part in various film-writery tasks and get slowly whittled down to one eventual winner. Yeah, just like X Factor - only without Kate Thornton squinting at an autocue like your granny trying to read a big print Mills & Boon novel in the dark. Anyway, our very own Chris Laverty - he of the wonderful weekly Creased Or Folded feature - is in the final ten of Empire Thunderdome, and boy oh boy does he ever need your help.

If you've read the new issue of Empire, you'll have read the fruits of Thunderdomers' first task - a review of their favourite film from 1999. We're not going to spoil the surprise too much by telling you what film Chris wrote about, but suffice to say his review is brilliant and the reviews of the other nine slow-witted Thunderdome hopefuls - who all look a bit odd and probably smell - are crap. He's even given himself the nickname The Heckler, too, as a mark of respect to the website that literally gave birth to him. What a bloody marvel.

Tomorrow you'll get to read the first of hopefully many Chris Laverty Empire Thunderdome Diaries, but for now we need you to visit the Empire Thunderdome page and click Vote Chris as many times as you can. If you do this, Chris will cruise through to next month's task and on to eventual Empire Thunderdome victory, you'll get the satisfaction of knowing you've helped a good writer with his career and we get to stop answering our phone in the voice of a confused Mexican on the off-chance that it's Laverty asking for money. Everyone's a winner.

Got that? Vote Chris. Vote Chris. Vote. Chris. Chris. OK?

Vote for Chris at the Empire Thunderdome page now