Quickly, what’s the most distressing thing you can think of?

Is it the sight of a man slowly crumbling to pieces – so that, at one point, he closely resembles Sloth from The Goonies – to the sound of a slowed-down version of Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory as performed by what appears to be a chain-smoking murderer with asthma? It is? Why that’s just wonderful, because that’s exactly what’s in the video after the jump.

Don’t worry, though – the video has a happy ending. Sort of. We think. We were too busy crying to notice…

Kittens, as everyone knows, are adorable. But then they grow up to be cats, and everyone knows that cats can’t wait to kill you in your sleep.

If only there was some way to capture the essence of a kitten and then trap it behind a screen so that it will never grow up with the desire to slash your throat with its razor-sharp cat-talons. Wait a minute! There is!

After the jump is a little downloadable app with a kitten on it. You can stroke the kitten with your mouse and it’ll react with joy instead of a vicious attempt to take one of your eyes out. Download it and it’ll do even more stuff. After the jump…

Remember on Monday when we listed the top 20 songs ever used in adverts? We’ve got a horrible feeling that this will be number 21.

You’re going to be sick to death of seeing this over the course of the next few months, so we’re getting in while we still can. This is quite sublime – sunshine, Barcelona, more spacehoppers than you could ever wish to see including (SPOILER ALERT) quite a big one at the end. We Shazammed the song, by the way. No joy whatsoever. If anyone knows the name of it, let us know.

The video’s after the jump…

We’ve often wondered what it’d be like to have our identity stolen – or specifically how rubbish the thieves would feel when they realised they’d picked such a crappy identity to steal.

Anyway, here’s a video that – we think – is about how easy it is to have all your online data swiped by a bunch of Russian-sounding chaps. And by online date, we mean emails, credit card details and sexy naked photos of you that turn the Russians on so much that they end up humping their computers. No, really.

The video’s after the jump…

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You know at Crufts when a dog is lanked up unto its hind legs, invariably by a dotty old lady in saggy tights, and made to jig around? You do?

Urr, you watch Crufts. What a turd. Anyway, that’s beside the point. After the jump is a video of a dancing dog. A Riverdancing dog. We’d be inclined to call it the Michael Flatley that humps your leg afterwards, but we’ve seen Michael Flatley and have a feeling that Michael Flatley is the Michael Flatley that humps your leg afterwards.

Anyway, the video – possibly faked – is after the jump…

So, for the newcomers to this series, let’s just quickly recap all the other things you shouldn’t do with bulls:

You shouldn’t challenge bulls to a drinking competition, make fun of their accents, insert your finger up their bottoms (if your finger is cold), force them to wear tutus, describe the rules of Goldenballs to them, loudly deride their lacklustre beatboxing skills, try it on with their wives or make them wear sunglasses in inclement weather.

Or anything seen in the video after the jump. But that goes without saying, really…

The roller babies are all over the place – TV, the internet, the actual news – but we don’t know anything about them? What makes the roller babies tick? What floats their boat? What, um, rocks their world? And stuff.

If you want to know the answer to these questions – while watching an infant vault a fence in a pair of rollerblades – then you should probably take a look at the video that’s after the jump, shouldn’t you?

Cars are people too, you know. Oh wait, no. No they’re not. Cars aren’t people. They’re cars. Even in Transformers cars aren’t people. They’re uncomfortably racist-seeming cars.

However! The Fiat 500 deserves to be treated like a human because it’s lovely and small and cute and everything. And what do you do to humans? You celebrate their birthdays. So here’s a video of some people singing Happy Birthday to a Fiat 500. You also have sex with humans. But you shouldn’t have sex with a Fiat 500. You definitely doing this.

Anyway, by posting this video we’re hoping that Fiat will send us a free car. Video’s after the jump…

Babies, by virtue of the fact that they’re babies, don’t tend to be known for their ability to breakdance.

But that all changes now, because here’s a real video of a real baby doing a breakdance that definitely isn’t a computer animation of a breakdancing baby that’s been created to advertise bottled water. No siree. Or maybe yes siree. A bit.

We’re not telling you. It’s a secret. Oh, just watch the video and find out for yourself, OK? The video’s after the jump. Honestly, the things we do for you people…

Now, granted, this is an advert. But it ticks so many of of personal requirements that we felt dutybound to share.

Which personal requirements are they? Well, the one about pretty Asian twins, for starters. And the one about furious Japanese fathers. And the one about giant inflatable rubber ducks who can terrorise entire cities by blasting sonic energy waves out of their faces. Honestly, if they’d just added a dinosaur dressed as a pirate dancing to banjo music this would have been a clean sweep. Anway, video after the jump…

We’ve all been there – a pretty girl gets on a train and you start flexing your muscles and waggling your tongue around like a sex pest.

No? Nobody has ever done that in the history of mankind? Oh well. This video sort of shows you the best way to seal the deal if that situation ever comes up. Which it will. Video law ensures that it will.

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As everyone knows, Japanese gameshows are the best thing ever invented.

Without them there’d be no Hole In The Wall, no Takeshi’s Castle and Tarrant On TV would just be half an hour of a weird-looking bloke twiddling his thumbs interspersed with one harrowing South African advert about lung cancer.

Therefore, in this vein, we present to you Foam Beard Lady – a Japanese gameshow featuring maggots, whale sperm and genital mutilation. Enjoy…

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The recent Adidas commercial works a bit like a sort of celebrity IQ test – an endless parade of famous people flash before you, and you have to name as many as you can.

How many can you get? We saw Estelle and Run DMC and David Beckham and The Ting Tings and former Antiques Roadshow presenter Hugh Scully and Bod and the Archangel Gabriel and Brian May from Queen and famous Australian moth Xylorycta Assimilis. Can you do better? Doubtful.

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Fact, the most infuriating advert on TV at the moment is the Barclaycard one with the waterslide.

Yes, look, wonderful, you can use your contactless credit card anywhere you like, but why have you diverted the waterslide home through a library? It plainly doesn’t make any logistical sense whatsoever. Also, don’t you think that buying food at a supermarket and then transporting it home on your bare chest inside a waterslide is a little bit disgusting? Don’t you? Answer us! DON’T YOU?

So, anyway, that advert is rubbish. This one’s better.

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But while everyone is deciding whether crisps that taste like Chilli And Chocolate or Builder’s Breakfast taste nicest – correct answer: Salt And Vinegar – Gary Lineker has put together this video about some of the flavours that didn’t quite make it into production.

It’s a fun little watch, although it goes without saying that whoever suggested satsuma-flavoured crisps deserves to be punched square in the face.

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