One of the worst things about smoking – and this is true – is that it really impedes one’s ability to chase down strangers with chainsaws and brutally murder them.

And this is a problem. So much so, in fact, that the European Commission has put together a video that specifically promotes an anti-smoking lifestyle to maximise the lung capacity of chainsaw-killers in regard to pursuits. We’re not making this up.

There’s even a little squadron of anti-smoking mascots to help the murderers along. One of them looks like an amputated testicle. Again, not making this up. See for yourself after the jump…

Russell Brand’s playing a show in the Albert Hall on Sunday. Tickets are like gold dust, we’ve heard. People would do anything for tickets.

Which is ace, because we’ve got a pair of tickets to give away.

It’s the last time that Russell Brand will be performing his Scandalous show in London – if you want to see it after that, you’ll have to buy his forthcoming DVD (out next Monday, fact fans) – so it promises to be something of a hoot. If you fancy winning this frankly quite brilliant prize, you’ll need to take a look after the jump…

So, to win a pair of tickets to see Russell Brand at the Albert Hall this Sunday (November 8), plus signed Scandalous DVDs and T-shirts all signed by the man himself, all you need to do is watch the video below and answer a simple question…

QUESTION: How strong is Russell Brand’s sexual charisma?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘I think I got pregnant just from watching that’. The competition closes at midnight on Tuesday when the winner will be chosen at random. Prize doesn’t include transport or accommodation. UK readers only please.

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October’s rubbish. Not only do we have to piss around with our clocks to make our days darker, but it gets a lot colder.

But there is a plus to all of this – Halloween! Hooray for Halloween indeed because, unlike Christmas, it isn’t promoted to us three months before it takes place and we don’t have to have awkward family meals with aunts we’d rather not see.

Everyone benefits from Halloween. The kids get to pester neighbours and pick up tons of free sweets. Adults get to pointlessly dress up as ghosts, skeletons and zombies and get drunk at various parties and clubs. But of course, some people in society are all bah humbug about Halloween. This time it’s the turn of the Christians to get their Bible in a twist and proclaim that it’s evil. Just like this man, see his rant after the jump.

Referencing a book that is thousands of years old and hasn’t really been modernised since, this man is a bit angry about Halloween. He’s basically against everyone having a good time and celebrating the living dead. Because we like to heal rifts between people, we can offer some suggestions as to how Christians and Halloween lovers can get along this weekend:

1 – Wear a cross. When Jesus died, he was nailed in to a cross. So why not spread the word and love about Christianity by wearing your own gigantic death cross? Obviously we don’t want you hammering nails into your own hands, but a bit of fake blood here will totally give off the effect.

2 – Dress as a zombie Jesus. This bloke seems to think we’re not religious. How wrong he is. At Christmas, we celebrate Santa and at Easter everyone gets chocolate eggs from a cute bunny! Easter also has something to do with Jesus coming back from the dead, which therefore makes him a zombie. Surely if we dress as a zombie Jesus, all Christians will love us.

3 – Get drunk off wine. Jesus turned water into wine and, at parties, lots of grown-ups get wrecked off wine. Therefore the blood of Jesus is kept alive in us and in the morning, the spirit of Christ will be released via vomiting and trips to the toilet.

We’re unsure if our tips will make this man all happy and joyous, but you know, we’ve done our best. However for any trick or treaters visiting his house that night, we think you should probably steer clear. Instead of getting handfuls of sweets, you’ll just get a junior version of the Bible and one hundred reasons on how to escape from Hell.

Next, we’ll attempt to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine. We’re on a roll today.

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Right, we’re going to need some help with this. If you’re a magician, you’ve just become our best friend.

After the jump you’ll see a video from street magician Dynamo. He’s a bit like David Blaine in a way, except he doesn’t draw eyes on his hands and therefore isn’t as much of a tit. But we digress.

In the video, Dynamo does one of those old tricks where he switches one banknote for another one that’s locked away in a bag. You’ll have seen the trick a million times before. What we want to know is this: how does it work? Watch the video below and put an end to our misery. It’s sending us potty.

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Mr T is an official friend of hecklerspray, as anyone who’s seen the video of him saying the word ‘hecklerspray’ and then growling like an angry dog can attest.

But what’s Mr T doing with himself these days? Why he’s hanging out as bus stops and shouting abuse at inconsiderate youngsters. Of course he is. It seems like quite a short-sighted tactic, though. If we knew that antisocial bus stop behaviour would result in Mr T talking to us, we’d probably urinate all over the seats on purpose. That’s how much we love Mr T.

The Mr T video is after the jump…

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In fact, let’s play a game. Try to see how long you can remain straight-faced while watching it. We managed to last for 55 seconds before involuntarily giggling. Can you do better? Doubtful. Like we’ve said, the video you’re about to watch is godlike. Godlike. And even better if you’re a fan of Stanley Kubrick.

It’s after the jump, obviously. And sound would help…

When Shawn Lindseth isn’t guest editing hecklerspray he’s making sure orphans the world over have decent clothing and a roof over their heads. That’s just the kind of guy he is.

And when he’s not doing that he’s selling illegal animal pelts on the black market. Speaking of which – if you’re interested in a bathrobe made of zebra skin/skull combo, make yourself heard down in the comments section. As a possible sale point – the tongue helps dry your hair.

And when he’s not doing any of that – he fancies himself a cartoonist. On the next page you’ll see just why.

Shawn Lindseth is just like Walt Disney except he doesn’t have a theme park and he’s not dead. Other than that, everything’s the same. Same skinny moustache, same slicked back hair, and for Pete’s sake they co-wrote that Peter Pan script together. It was Lindseth’s idea about the fairy dust. No need to check on that. It’s a fact. No need to check.

A few years back some of these cartoons appeared weekly here on the ol’ H-Spray. Then, due to massive copyright infringement lawsuits, revolutions caused in several South American countries and being the subject of several underground laboratory experiments, Lindseth stopped posting them.

Really it was out of laziness. Anyhow – here’s a smattering of comics. It’s for your pleasure.

And if you made it this far – perhaps you’d be interested in a more recent artistic endeavour – Daeth by Dislexya. It’s animated, don’t you know – and it’s a rerun:

Now this is interesting. It’s Simon Day – the funny one from The Fast Show who hasn’t really done a lot apart from electricity adverts – advertising Sweden.

In quite an odd way. Instead of discussing the nature or the nightlife or the way that you can be a funny-looking little bearded man and still end up with a wife who looks like a supermodel, he looks at some art and gets his bum out. It’s the British way.

The video’s after the jump, along with a bonus video that thankfully hasn’t got so many bums in it…

There is a new soft drink advert that is doing the rounds online. Most are claiming that the promotional video is taken from a banned German advertising campaign for Sprite.

The commercial is ten kinds of gross. Thank heavens that wherever it comes from, it seems not to actually be on the air in any country.

Watching this oral sex-based advert will make you never want to drink Sprite again. Well, Sprite or any other drink that even remotely has the consistency of semen. So that includes milk, eggnog and perhaps even Baileys.

The video first surfaced yesterday and had a mini viral wave. Though most did not know its origins, the premise needed little explanation. It was some form of NSFW promo that may as well have been an actual porno. A really dull porno, where the leading lady stops in the middle of her duties to rehydrate.

The reports, 24 hours in, are still conflicted. The HuffPo is claiming that this is a real Sprite advert that was banned in Germany. However, Gawker is claiming that this is just made by an advertising agency in hopes of Sprite picking them up.

Real or fake, the only thing anyone is likely to pick up is a nasty case of crabs. Not since the Burger King blowjob ads has an ad agency shown such a lack of judgement in what people will actually want to consume.

The advert’s premise is this: it shows a couple in their kitchen doing the nasty. The man is sweaty, the woman bored, the work surfaces are rather sparkly clean. The woman soon bores of giving a lazy blowjob and stops to have a bit of a think. She forgets what she is thinking about and gets back to business. Then, all of a sudden there is an avalanche of Sprite being poured on her face (an obvious euphemism for something else).

There are three lessons to be learnt from this advert.

One, always be sure to spit polish your work surfaces as you never know who may pop over for a quickie. Two, at least attempt to look enthused as you give bad head. Three – this is the most important – only amateurs spit. The girl in the advert, barraged with a face full of soda, opts to spit the product out. This makes it seem as though it probably does taste like spunk. If you really wanted to sell the ad, shitty ad agency, the girl should have swallowed.

For those with a filthy mind, you can watch the NSFW advert here…

This was a guest post by the wonderful wonderful Amy Grindhouse. Go get her.

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Time for another corker of a hecklerspray competition – and this time the prize involves booze.

Not just booze, you understand, but a free VIP pass to Ministry Of Sound, a MOS rucksack, perfume, T-shirts, CDs and a copy of Tomas, the new novel by James Palumbo that Stephen Fry described as ‘remarkable’, even though that does seem to be Stephen Fry’s default response to everything these days, purely because it’s got three more syllables than the word ‘good’.

Anyway, it’s a good book – and if you want to win all that stuff we just described, we’ll be seeing you after the jump…

So, to win a copy of Tomas and all the assorted goody-baggery that goes along with it, just watch this video and answer a question on it…

QUESTION: Now that you’ve watched the Tomas video, how long do you expect to be suffering from nightmares?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘For the rest of my freaking life, thanks‘. The competition closes at midnight on July 20 when a winner will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

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Remember that film What Women Want? It turns out that they all want Mel Gibson to fake empathy towards them, which we didn’t really see coming.

But what do men want? We just don’t know. And we are men. So what hope could women ever have at figuring out the enigmatic bundle of mysteries that is man? Luckily they no longer have to – TheManslator is here to make this uncertainty a thing of the past. Simply tell TheManslator something that your man has told you and it’ll instantly translate it into what the man really means, in a way that isn’t sexist whatsoever.

Try TheManslator, after the jump…

Were you a fan of Michael Jackson? Do you think that the best way to pay tribute to the great man involves shattering your ankles in front of strangers?

You do? Wonderful. Twitter user Milo Yiannopoulos is organising a giant moonwalking flashmob to commemorate the life of Michael Jackson at 6pm at London’s Liverpool Street station. It promises to not only be a huge event, but also the best way to remember Michael Jackson before the newspapers start filling up with details of all the creepy crap he did duing his life next week.

Can’t moonwalk? There’s a video tutorial after the jump…

You moonwalk like this…

Sidenote: you do not moonwalk like this…

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Oh bad luck, Westboro Baptist Church. It’s fangs that God hates. Fangs. You were one letter out! So close! How silly must you feel?

For proof, see the video after the jump. God definitely hates fangs – if he didn’t then why would He allow so many people to bung up banners all across London? No answer? Exactly.

Now, rumour has it that this is all just a ploy to remind people about the imminent British arrival of TV show True Blood – a sort of Twilight that grown-ups and the mentally-capable can enjoy – but we’re not so sure. See for yourself…

This isn’t so much of a bad advert as a “what the hell were they thinking?” advert.

As most people will know, The Flintstones was a programme for children, set in the time of the Stone Age. Because animators were lazy at the time, the same plotlines happened in The Jetsons, which was based in the future.

With the average age of a child watching The Flintstones about ten and under, you’d have thought Barney and Fred would be flogging sweets, army propaganda or toys. In a very odd twist, they are in fact puffing away on a Winston cigarette. Something that any sane parent wouldn’t give to their ickle child.

We know a couple of things about this advert:

A) It’s old. Look at it! There is no colour, so we have to assume it was made before God created colour, or prior to sweatshop colouring in camps being established in China.

B) The advert’s a bit rubbish. Think about it, have you ever had the privilege of puffing on a Winston? No, we haven’t and unless you’re a million years old, you won’t have heard of the product.

And what’s the conclusion of all of this? Cartoon characters aren’t actually real and things not done in colour are rubbish.

When you think of delicious meaty burgers oozing with grease, most people will imagine the golden arches of McDonald’s.

The core spokesman for the burger giant is Ronald McDonald. He is a larger than life clown who makes children plump by giving them fatty treats and artery clogging drinks.

At one point, McDonald’s appointed another clown like character by the name of Justin Timberlake. He was in charge of flogging off McDonalds limp salads that we’re designed to make you feel less guilty about visiting the fast food chain.

In Japan, Ronald McDonald seems to have undergone some sort of surgery to transform himself into a childbearing woman. This fifteen-second advert almost tries to make the new Tomato McGrand burger sexy. How a tranny clown rubbing his face in a windy room does this is beyond us. Instead, we get the impressions he/she will lob some ninja death stars at us.