Quickly, what’s the most distressing thing you can think of?

Is it the sight of a man slowly crumbling to pieces – so that, at one point, he closely resembles Sloth from The Goonies – to the sound of a slowed-down version of Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory as performed by what appears to be a chain-smoking murderer with asthma? It is? Why that’s just wonderful, because that’s exactly what’s in the video after the jump.

Don’t worry, though – the video has a happy ending. Sort of. We think. We were too busy crying to notice…

There’s a new show starting on E4 tonight. Misfits, it’s called. It’s a bit like Skins and a bit like Heroes, we’re told. Except, crucially, better than both of those two things.

And to mark this obviously prestigious moment, we’ve got a very special Misfits competition for you. One of you is going to win two orange Misfits T-shirts – a large and an extra-large – and a painfully exclusive Misfits comicbook. How’s that for blinding generosity, huh?

And you want to win all this Misfits stuff, don’t you? Of course you do, you’re only human. The question’s after the jump…

So, to win the Misfits T-shirts and the natty little comicbook, we’ll need you to watch the following trailer and answer a question…

QUESTION: Is Misfits going to be better or worse than Heroes?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘God knows I hope it’s better’. The competition closes at midnight on Wednesday November 18 when the winner will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Kittens, as everyone knows, are adorable. But then they grow up to be cats, and everyone knows that cats can’t wait to kill you in your sleep.

If only there was some way to capture the essence of a kitten and then trap it behind a screen so that it will never grow up with the desire to slash your throat with its razor-sharp cat-talons. Wait a minute! There is!

After the jump is a little downloadable app with a kitten on it. You can stroke the kitten with your mouse and it’ll react with joy instead of a vicious attempt to take one of your eyes out. Download it and it’ll do even more stuff. After the jump…

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

Roswell’s big problem is it’s all word of mouth. There are these tremendous claims of what went on there, but why believe a low-brow farmer? The same goes for Kecksburg. Sure, we’ve heard the military hauled out a tarp-covered something-or-other that was shaped like a gigantic acorn, but show us the pictures.

That said, there’s finally a UFO-crash discovery that was caught on film – and we owe it all to commie-riddled Russia!

There are only two pieces of news that ever come out of Russia. The first is that Joseph Stalin’s nipples used to bleed every Easter. Some say it was a heavenly reminder of his parents’ religion that he so casually cast aside. This news re-breaks every two years or so. Wait for it – you’ll see.

The second news story that always breaks from the formerly red country is that their babies are born with temporary-but-reappearing Koranic tattoos. They’ve got some crazy stuff going on over there – we’re tellin’ ya.

Imagine our surprise then, when we discovered this third story came out of the country where we thought they only had a two-template newspaper. It happened in 1968.

No doubt you’d like us to cut to the chase. Here it is as All News Web puts it:

“The Soviet Defense Ministry wrote in March 1969, Order No. 481 addressed to the Commander of the Air Defense Forces in the Sverdlosvsk Military Region Lieutenant General A.G. Ponomarenko. He was ordered to assist in every way the local KGB authorities in the operation “Sverdlovsk Midget” (small aliens), signed by the Deputy Commander in Chief of the USSR Air Defense Forces, Colonel General S.D. Lebedey, Seal stated, General Staff of the USSR Defense Ministry.

“In a second letter from November 3, 1969 on the KGB letterhead addressed to Deputy Chief of the Scientific Research Department KGB USSR, Colonel Grigoriev. The letter stated that on March 5, 1969 information was received about discovery of the unidentified object wreckage, 3 meter high and 5 meter in diameter with remains of small unknown human like creature, Operation called “Sverdlovsk Midget”.”

 

Everyone knows Morrissey. He’s that loveable vegan from Manchester who complains about everything and then goes in to a big vegetable huff when things go pear-shaped.

Only a couple of weeks ago, he collapsed at a gig in Swindon. Perhaps he saw what the people there looked like and wanted out. Pronto.

In the latest shenanigan involving the former Smiths front man, he got pelted with a plastic cup of water in Liverpool. Now he didn’t fall over, his feeble vegan body did manage to withstand the force of the close range throw. Still, he did get soaked worse than a potato patch and stormed off the stage. Interested in seeing the video? Of course you are. It’s right after the jump.

We’ve been to many gigs and a cup of water isn’t that big a deal. Prior to most gigs we drink many plastic pints of fizzy lager and often need a mid-gig wee. Going to the toilet is a bit of a pain so we just use the cup and lob it away. And we’ve been accused of not having green credentials. So it could have been worse, a lot worse.

You do have to remember where he was performing, though. The clip appears to show Morrissey interacting with the Liverpudlian crowd. That was already a stupid thing to do, as any jewellery he was wearing could have gone walkabouts, or his wallet pinched.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Russell Brand’s playing a show in the Albert Hall on Sunday. Tickets are like gold dust, we’ve heard. People would do anything for tickets.

Which is ace, because we’ve got a pair of tickets to give away.

It’s the last time that Russell Brand will be performing his Scandalous show in London – if you want to see it after that, you’ll have to buy his forthcoming DVD (out next Monday, fact fans) – so it promises to be something of a hoot. If you fancy winning this frankly quite brilliant prize, you’ll need to take a look after the jump…

So, to win a pair of tickets to see Russell Brand at the Albert Hall this Sunday (November 8), plus signed Scandalous DVDs and T-shirts all signed by the man himself, all you need to do is watch the video below and answer a simple question…

QUESTION: How strong is Russell Brand’s sexual charisma?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘I think I got pregnant just from watching that’. The competition closes at midnight on Tuesday when the winner will be chosen at random. Prize doesn’t include transport or accommodation. UK readers only please.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Now this is a prize. Everyone knows how much Tekken rules. It beats Mortal Kombat. It bitch-slaps Virtua Fighter. It dumps on the chest of Street Fighter. And now Tekken 6 is out, which is beyond wonderful.

But what could make the release of Tekken 6 more wonderful? How about a competition where you can win an Xbox 360 copy of Tekken 6 that’s been signed by the game’s director Harada-San plus a selection of nonspecific Tekken 6 merchandise?

Good. After the jump, innit.

So, to win this fairly exceptional Tekken 6 prize, all you need to do is watch the game’s trailer below and answer one simple question…

QUESTION: Now that you’ve seen the Tekken 6 trailer, what do you want to do?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘Punch someone straight in the face’. The competition closes at midnight on November 6 when the winner will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

October’s rubbish. Not only do we have to piss around with our clocks to make our days darker, but it gets a lot colder.

But there is a plus to all of this – Halloween! Hooray for Halloween indeed because, unlike Christmas, it isn’t promoted to us three months before it takes place and we don’t have to have awkward family meals with aunts we’d rather not see.

Everyone benefits from Halloween. The kids get to pester neighbours and pick up tons of free sweets. Adults get to pointlessly dress up as ghosts, skeletons and zombies and get drunk at various parties and clubs. But of course, some people in society are all bah humbug about Halloween. This time it’s the turn of the Christians to get their Bible in a twist and proclaim that it’s evil. Just like this man, see his rant after the jump.

Referencing a book that is thousands of years old and hasn’t really been modernised since, this man is a bit angry about Halloween. He’s basically against everyone having a good time and celebrating the living dead. Because we like to heal rifts between people, we can offer some suggestions as to how Christians and Halloween lovers can get along this weekend:

1 – Wear a cross. When Jesus died, he was nailed in to a cross. So why not spread the word and love about Christianity by wearing your own gigantic death cross? Obviously we don’t want you hammering nails into your own hands, but a bit of fake blood here will totally give off the effect.

2 – Dress as a zombie Jesus. This bloke seems to think we’re not religious. How wrong he is. At Christmas, we celebrate Santa and at Easter everyone gets chocolate eggs from a cute bunny! Easter also has something to do with Jesus coming back from the dead, which therefore makes him a zombie. Surely if we dress as a zombie Jesus, all Christians will love us.

3 – Get drunk off wine. Jesus turned water into wine and, at parties, lots of grown-ups get wrecked off wine. Therefore the blood of Jesus is kept alive in us and in the morning, the spirit of Christ will be released via vomiting and trips to the toilet.

We’re unsure if our tips will make this man all happy and joyous, but you know, we’ve done our best. However for any trick or treaters visiting his house that night, we think you should probably steer clear. Instead of getting handfuls of sweets, you’ll just get a junior version of the Bible and one hundred reasons on how to escape from Hell.

Next, we’ll attempt to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine. We’re on a roll today.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Right, we’re going to need some help with this. If you’re a magician, you’ve just become our best friend.

After the jump you’ll see a video from street magician Dynamo. He’s a bit like David Blaine in a way, except he doesn’t draw eyes on his hands and therefore isn’t as much of a tit. But we digress.

In the video, Dynamo does one of those old tricks where he switches one banknote for another one that’s locked away in a bag. You’ll have seen the trick a million times before. What we want to know is this: how does it work? Watch the video below and put an end to our misery. It’s sending us potty.

Visit Free AVG now.

Obsessed, now that was a brilliant film. Just like Fatal Attraction, but none of the women had stupid haircuts and you didn’t see Michael Douglas’ nipples.

Brilliant. And even more brilliant is the fact that, because it’s out on DVD next week, we’ve got three copies of Obsessed to give to you. You’ll like it – it’s just like Dreamgirls except Beyonce doesn’t burst into song all the poxy time and there’s a fistfight at the end of it.

Brilliant. The Obsessed competition details are after the jump…

To win one of the three Obsessed DVDs we’re giving away, all you need to do is watch the movie’s trailer below and answer a simple question:

QUESTION: If you were Stringer Bell from The Wire, would you rather have sex with Beyonce or the split personality woman from Heroes?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘Stringer Bell’s sexual proclivities are none of your business‘. The competition closes at midnight on October 29 when the winners will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

McDonald’s seems to appear again and again on this feature.

Before you all think we must have got food poisoning off them once and subsequently hate Ronald McDonald, we don’t. Honestly, their advertising is just complete and utter pants. Nowadays, they have improved, but we’re still unconvinced that farmers hug all the cows before slashing their throats.

This time we’re travelling back to merry old 1978 where everyone in this advert seemed to be quite posh. Maybe McDonald’s wanted us to believe that people with class dined in their restaurants and not just scummy kids who’d steal the free straws, napkins and packets of sauce. Contain yourself, it’s after the jump…

First of all, we’ve never seen a fast food restaurant plonked so close to a river/canal/pond/ocean. Unless this is in a fancy area likes Cannes, then the idea of having floating McDonalds never really took off. The bloke on the jetski seems like he’d prefer to dine on deer and drinks dragon’s blood. But no, instead he chomps on the common person’s burger. Though we think he is comparing the lady in the advert to a Big Mac. The pervert.

So what is it about a Big Mac that keeps on making you come back? The child in the commercial seems to think it’s the sesame seed on top of the bun. If you’re reading this small child of the 70’s, it could be time to let you in on a little secret. It’s not the seeds. If the seeds are what kept you coming back, you’d probably retain some sort of normal body shape. Instead, 31 years later, there’s a good chance that all your return visits to McDonalds’s probably mean that you can no longer support your own weight and you constantly sweat processed cheese. That’s a lot of seeds.

McDonald’s also seemed to have crafted the world’s biggest burger for this advert. Couples, however, don’t seem to stop and stare at the giant mass of meat, bread and sauce that’s baring down in front of them, almost like a giant alien creature that’s coming to enslave the human race by inviting adults to gobble down its yummy exterior. Inside you’ll hear the distant moans of people who are trapped and fighting to get out.

The most hilarious thing of all is when the advert pulls to a shot of a McDonald’s drive thru. Subsequently, you’d assume that we’d see happy smiling families driving away with bags of food. Instead, we see people jogging past in nerdy-looking outfits. God bless you Mr Director, you really thought this through didn’t you?

Almost as successful as launching a range of salads. Oh.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Michael Jackson performing in London was meant to be the highlight of the summer.

Instead, we had to make do with Oasis splitting up. Which we were fine with, incidentally. Jackson was supposedly happy to play 50 dates at the O2, a feat that would test his physical and mental abilities.

That didn’t happen because, as you may have heard, Michael Jackson died. Still, as the trailer to for Michael Jackson’s This Is It movie shows, Michael was prancing all over the stage. Still, it doesn’t explain why he dropped down dead soon after.

To make up for the fact that Michael Jackson failed to make his London concerts – rumoured to involve live animals and singing children galore – we’ll soon get to see a Michael Jackson film cobbled together from rehearsal footage. Entitled This Is It, the film is meant to show the best of over 80 hours recorded in the weeks before his death. Below is the over-dramatic trailer…

The beginning of the This Is It trailer is amusing in itself for multiple reasons. Not only does it lead us to believe that Jack Bauer is going to jump through the floor and kill someone, but it doesn’t quite explain the dream that Michael Jackson wanted to share everyone. Was it a dream to build a 20-foot-high sandwich or a working house made from sand? We just don’t ruddy know. Perhaps he’ll tell us during the credits.

The film is also going to upset the Christians. At roughly 34 seconds in, there seems to be a moment where Michael pretends to be Jesus. Perhaps he wanted to see what it was like to be a carpenter, have multiple disciples follow him around or feel big rusty nails being driven in to his hands. It would have been an extreme way to end a gig. Most musicians are happy to smash up their rented instruments.

Worryingly, there does seem to be a small army of Michael Jackson fans who would have attended the gigs. Again during the trailer, you can see them marching around at the 45-second mark. Have they been trained by Michael to share love and warmth? Probably not – Joe Jackson possibly reprogrammed them to smack the audience around during Beat It, just so the audience could have the authentic Michael Jackson experience.

So on October 28, we’ll all finally get to see This Is It in full. However, it’s only going to be out for two weeks. So good is this unmissable event that the people in charge of bringing it to you want to make you miss it. We don’t doubt for a second that it’s because they want to release it on DVD with a host of tossy bonus features.

If you like watching people dance around for 90 minutes, then this carefully-selected and well-edited film is just for you. Don’t expect to see the human side of Michael Jackson, mind. Don’t for one moment think there’ll be a ten-minute scene where he has a poo after a bad Mexican meal.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Derek Thomson is what you’d call an asshole.

As a hard-hitting hockey pro and full-time meathead, Derek (Played by Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) rules his life and family with a massive ego and an extra dose of spite.

What goes around, comes around…

After ruining childhood dreams and generally being a knob, Derek gets a summons from the dream police and suddenly he’s stuck with a fate worse than death – He’s punished with community service… as a tooth fairy. Swapping hockey pads for spandex and girly wings, Derek fits in at his new job like a meatloaf in tights and blunders hilariously through the film. Tooth-splitting laughter ensues as Derek abuses his new-found powers and uses them in the NHL.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Mr T is an official friend of hecklerspray, as anyone who’s seen the video of him saying the word ‘hecklerspray’ and then growling like an angry dog can attest.

But what’s Mr T doing with himself these days? Why he’s hanging out as bus stops and shouting abuse at inconsiderate youngsters. Of course he is. It seems like quite a short-sighted tactic, though. If we knew that antisocial bus stop behaviour would result in Mr T talking to us, we’d probably urinate all over the seats on purpose. That’s how much we love Mr T.

The Mr T video is after the jump…

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

If you like watching episodes of 24 on DVD as much as we do then you probably haven’t seen daylight in a while.

And also, good news! Season 7 of 24 is released on October 19, and to mark this momentous occasion we’ve got five DVD boxsets to give away. That’s a whole day of shouting, explosions and torture to look forward to. And before you get all “Well actually it’s only 18 hours without commercials” on us, we’re counting the DVD special features as well, which are so good you’ll want to watch them for six hours. Probably.

The competition question is after the jump. God, we love 24…

To win one of the five 24 season 7 DVD boxsets we’re giving away, all you need to do is watch the season’s trailer below and answer a simple question:

QUESTION: How badly do you wish you were Jack Bauer?

To stand a chance of winning, email your answer and a contact address to Hello[at]hecklerspray.com with the subject line ‘So badly I just farted‘. The competition closes at midnight on October 19 when the winner will be chosen at random. UK readers only please.

24 Season 7 is out on DVD and Blu-ray now. DVD & Blu-ray Special Features include 14 Deleted Scenes, UK created featurette – ‘24 in 24’ (not on US version) behind the scenes footage, production details and 12 Audio Commentaries.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter