From the category archives:

Uncategorized

X Factor Reject Laura White Gets A Record Deal. Everything Goes Back To Normal.

by Matthew Laidlow

In what felt like week 36 of this year’s X Factor, the first semi-exciting incident occurred last Saturday night.

And, amazingly, it wasn’t Dannii Minogue pulling a facial expression other than that of a rabbit before it gets squashed by a car or the camera crew not zooming in Holly Willoughby’s boobies

Instead it was the shock departure of Laura White, one of the favourites to win X Factor. Laura White was the fifth person to be booted off, after the public deemed her rubbisher than everyone else. Even that Daniel bloke who sounds at best like he should belong in the working men’s club circuit did better then her. Naturally, fans of the show with too much time on their hands set up Facebook campaigns to get her reinstated. This has technically worked, because now someone’s given her a record deal.

In what felt like week 36 of this year's X Factor, the first semi-exciting incident occurred last Saturday night. And, amazingly, it wasn’t Dannii Minogue pulling a facial expression other than that of a rabbit before it gets squashed by a car or the camera crew not zooming in Holly Willoughby's boobies Instead it was the shock departure of Laura White, one of the favourites to win X Factor. Laura White was the fifth person to be booted off, after the public deemed her rubbisher than everyone else. Even that Daniel bloke who sounds at best like he should belong in the working men’s club circuit did better then her. Naturally, fans of the show with too much time on their hands set up Facebook campaigns to get her reinstated. This has technically worked, because now someone's given her a record deal.
2 comments Read more >>>

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: John Sergeant & Lisa Snowdon

by Stuart Heritage

It’s the final day of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps for the week.

And that means, in all honesty, it’s probably the final time we’ll get to write about John Sergeant as a properly-functioning contestant on Strictly Come Dancing. As the judges proved last week, they’re willing to get as nasty as possible if it gets him out, and it looks like they might be swaying public opinion, too. You don’t want them to win, do you? At least one of them has a face like a wet verruca. Vote John.

And, funnily enough, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Lisa Snowdon…

0 comments Read more >>>

Maurice Greene Gets Booted Off Dancing With The Stars Too

by Stuart Heritage

Maurice Greene – the man who’s a bit like Usain Bolt but not as fast or really as good – is out of Dancing With The Stars.

This isn’t a time for sadness, though, because Maurice Greene was still in the last five Dancing With The Stars contestants, making him – by our calculations – over 4,000 times better at dancing than Kim Kardashian but not nearly as good as that balloon-faced twonk from ‘N Sync.

And also, Maurice Greene should look on his Dancing With The Stars elimination as a positive thing – now that he doesn’t have to dedicate so much of his life to dance training, Maurice Greene can go back to doing what he does best. We think that’s running a short distance slightly slower than Usain Bolt. Correct us if we’re wrong.

1 comment Read more >>>

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley & Rachel Stevens

by Stuart Heritage

Can’t remember what happened in the third quarter of last Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? Good job we’re here, then.

This whole Strictly Come Dancing kerfuffle about John Sergeant hasn’t died down any yet, has it? Now John has claimed that the Strictly Come Dancing judges should all resign if they don’t like the way the public keeps voting him through. Honestly, this better end up with actual punches being thrown on Saturday’s show or we’ll refuse to pay our license fee any more.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

0 comments Read more >>>

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Austin Healey & Cherie Lunghi

by Stuart Heritage

Ready? Are you ready for this week’s second batch of Strictly Come Dancing recaps? Good. We can tell if you’re lying, you know.

On reflection, Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing was perhaps our favourite of the series so far, because it marked the point where the Strictly Come Dancing judges started to get really narked off with the viewers for not eliminating John Sergeant. Why, if we were so inclined we’d say that everyone should keep John in next week too, just to see which judge does a dirty protest in their knickers first.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi…

1 comment Read more >>>

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Heather Small Skids Off

by Stuart Heritage

It took four dance-offs, but it finally happened – last night Heather Small was finally booted off Strictly Come Dancing.

Due to something that’s either racism or an intense hatred of M People, depending on if you ask News Of The World or us, Heather Small’s Strictly Come Dancing Tango to Rebel Rebel just couldn’t cut the mustard with the viewers. Ironically, this was despite it being less offensively porny than her routine from last week, but admittedly that’s not hard – actual porn is less offensively porny than Heather Small was last week.

But now Heather Small is gone, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recaps, for Tom Chambers and Jodie Kidd…

0 comments Read more >>>

Paul McCartney Wins MTV Award For Being Really Old

by Stuart Heritage

MTV EMAs – if ever there was a show like the MTV VMAs but worse because it’s held somewhere cold and drizzly, it’s you.

The MTV Europe Music Awards took place last night in Liverpool, and it was the perfect opportunity for the city to show off that famous sense of humour it’s always blathering on about. How did it do this? By naming Rick Astley as the Best Act Ever? No – it did it by giving 30 Seconds To Mars multiple awards even though they’re the worst band in the history of recorded music. Oh, you crazy Liverpudlians with your funny pranks.

Also Paul McCartney got given something called an Ultimate Legend award at the MTV EMAs, which isn’t surprising because he’s hands-down the thing that Liverpool is most famous for. Well, the most tangible one, anyway – it’s not like you can give an award to a chippy sense of wounded resentment, is it?

MTV EMAs - if ever there was a show like the MTV VMAs but worse because it's held somewhere cold and drizzly, it's you. The MTV Europe Music Awards took place last night in Liverpool, and it was the perfect opportunity for the city to show off that famous sense of humour it's always blathering on about. How did it do this? By naming Rick Astley as the Best Act Ever? No - it did it by giving 30 Seconds To Mars multiple awards even though they're the worst band in the history of recorded music. Oh, you crazy Liverpudlians with your funny pranks. Also Paul McCartney got given something called an Ultimate Legend award at the MTV EMAs, which isn't surprising because he's hands-down the thing that Liverpool is most famous for. Well, the most tangible one, anyway - it's not like you can give an award to a chippy sense of wounded resentment, is it?
0 comments Read more >>>

The View: Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s Concession Speech Unites America

by Stuart Heritage

On The View yesterday, bets were on as to exactly when Elisabeth Hasselbeck would spontaneously combust and/or claw wildly at her own face.

Because, judging by her fervent campaigning for the Republican party, Tuesday’s election win for Barack Obama seemed like literally the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to Elisabeth Hasselbeck in her entire life. But on The View yesterday, something strange happened.

On The View yesterday, Elisabeth Hasselbeck gracefully admitted defeat and declared her support for the president-elect. And, thanks to Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s elegant speech, the partisan schisms that threatened to tear America apart were instantly healed. Well, in the parts of America that watch The View, anyway. So the chronically old and unemployed parts that can’t find their remote control to change channel. Isn’t that enough?

On The View yesterday, bets were on as to exactly when Elisabeth Hasselbeck would spontaneously combust and/or claw wildly at her own face. Because, judging by her fervent campaigning for the Republican party, Tuesday's election win for Barack Obama seemed like literally the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to Elisabeth Hasselbeck in her entire life. But on The View yesterday, something strange happened. On The View yesterday, Elisabeth Hasselbeck gracefully admitted defeat and declared her support for the president-elect. And, thanks to Elisabeth Hasselbeck's elegant speech, the partisan schisms that threatened to tear America apart were instantly healed. Well, in the parts of America that watch The View, anyway. So the chronically old and unemployed parts that can't find their remote control to change channel. Isn't that enough?
14 comments Read more >>>

Dancing With The Stars Loses Star Only Known To Unemployeds

by Stuart Heritage

Now that all the fun ones have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars, it’s time to start ditching all the anonymous nobodies.

And that means you, Susan Lucci. Susan Lucci was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, either because she got the lowest score of the night or because she’s a daytime soap actress and therefore the only people who know who she is are unemployed and can’t afford to phone in votes for her. It’s definitely one of those reasons, though.

But don’t worry, Susan Lucci fans. Your hero left Dancing With The Stars with her head held high. True, she may have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars ahead of a foetus from Hannah Montana, but at least Susan Lucci can go knowing that her farewell speech was the most meaningless jumble of bland platitudes ever spoken by any human being ever. That’s something, right?

Now that all the fun ones have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars, it's time to start ditching all the anonymous nobodies. And that means you, Susan Lucci. Susan Lucci was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, either because she got the lowest score of the night or because she's a daytime soap actress and therefore the only people who know who she is are unemployed and can't afford to phone in votes for her. It's definitely one of those reasons, though. But don't worry, Susan Lucci fans. Your hero left Dancing With The Stars with her head held high. True, she may have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars ahead of a foetus from Hannah Montana, but at least Susan Lucci can go knowing that her farewell speech was the most meaningless jumble of bland platitudes ever spoken by any human being ever. That's something, right?
0 comments Read more >>>

Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley & Rachel Stevens

by Stuart Heritage

Time for our last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week – but don’t be sad, because we’ll be back next week. And the week after. And the week after that. Forever, basically.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing should prove to be an exciting one, because it seems as if all the dancers will be performing whatever dances they like again. We hear that Tom Chambers is doing a Quickstep, Cherie Lunghi’s dancing a Waltz and John Sergeant is going to do the exact same dance as always and still get through anyway because of his lovely big fat face.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

0 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →