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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: John’s Long Gone

by Stuart Heritage

So as you’ve all heard, John Sergeant has left Strictly Come Dancing of his own accord – but don’t be sad.

Although yesterday John’s resignation may have felt like a punch to the stomach for everyone who enjoys looking at Bruce Forsyth’s anguished face, we need to face the facts. In the cold light of day, all that’s happened is a fat man has left a TV show about dancing. That’s all. Besides, ironic voters shouldn’t be too upset – there’s still Jodie Kidd.

Anyway, this is a sort of vaguely obituary-themed set of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, for John Sergeant and Tom Chambers, who nobody really cares about today…

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John Sergeant Resigns From Strictly Come Dancing In A Strop

by Stuart Heritage

For weeks now, the British public have been keeping John Sergeant in Strictly Come Dancing for one reason and one reason alone.

And that’s because he’s old, fat, sweats a lot and when he dances he looks like a man who’s been dipped him in chip fat, plonked on an ice rink and had bullets fired at his shins. But regardless of that, John Sergeant had secured the public Strictly Come Dancing vote, much to the dismay of the judges and his fellow dancers.

But now John Sergeant has decided to fall on his sword. Not literally – although if you did give John Sergeant a sword and tell him to perform a dance with it he’d probably fall on it by accident and end up squirting pints of his guts into Tess Daly’s eye. What we mean is that John Sergeant has chosen to resign from Strictly Come Dancing.

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Squeaking Boychild Cody Linley Out Of Dancing With The Stars

by Stuart Heritage

The Dancing With The Stars final is a week away – but it’s a final that’ll happen without Cody Linley from Hannah Montana.

Last night Cody Linley was voted out of Dancing With The Stars. Ostensibly this was because Dancing With The Stars viewers didn’t vote for Cody Linley, but in reality it was probably because episodes of Dancing With The Stars now last for 400 full years and all of Cody Linley’s fans are children and therefore get bored after three seconds and go and leave burning dog turds outside pensioners’ front doors or something.

But so what? Cody Linley might not be in the Dancing With The Stars final, but he’s got his whole life ahead of him. His whole life that’s already peaked by playing second-fiddle to Miley Cyrus on a gormless kid’s TV show and coming fourth-best on a competition that’s predominantly about spandex. So, yeah, good luck with that.

The Dancing With The Stars final is a week away - but it's a final that'll happen without Cody Linley from Hannah Montana. Last night Cody Linley was voted out of Dancing With The Stars. Ostensibly this was because Dancing With The Stars viewers didn't vote for Cody Linley, but in reality it was probably because episodes of Dancing With The Stars now last for 400 full years and all of Cody Linley's fans are children and therefore get bored after three seconds and go and leave burning dog turds outside pensioners' front doors or something. But so what? Cody Linley might not be in the Dancing With The Stars final, but he's got his whole life ahead of him. His whole life that's already peaked by playing second-fiddle to Miley Cyrus on a gormless kid's TV show and coming fourth-best on a competition that's predominantly about spandex. So, yeah, good luck with that.
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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Rachel Stevens

by Stuart Heritage

Strictly Come Dancing recaps? Yes. Here. What of it?

You know, we’ve been thinking. Why doesn’t a respected man like John Sergeant admit that enough’s enough and his continued progress through Strictly Come Dancing is hurting more talented dancers? And now we know – it’s only Strictly Come Dancing that’s stopping him being a full-time Dave employee. No wonder he looks so desperate.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Christine Bleakley & Austin Healey

by Stuart Heritage

It’s time for another edition of the hecklerspray recap for Strictly Come Dancing or, as we like to call it, Four Exasperated Judges.

Watching John Sergeant get through to next week’s Strictly Come Dancing yet again was an absolute joy. Not because we particularly enjoy watching John Sergeant dance, nor because we like deliberately ruining the credibility of reality TV shows, but because watching Bruce Forsyth dodder around murmuring “We have a situation” like an anxious string puppet afterwards was perhaps the greatest thing we’ve ever seen.

Anyway, here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley and Austin Healey…

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Spencer From The Hills Thinks Gay People Rock At Doing Hair And Makeup

by Matthew Laidlow

In the old days, MTV used to show music videos that artists made to promote their new single.

But now in our modern society, MTV has changed and only offers programming that really has nothing to do with music. Well, Tim Westwood does play records we guess.

One of the most popular shows is The Hills. A reality show where we get to compare our own grim lives to those of some trendy twentysomething spoilt tits. Known for being a bit dim, Spencer from the show has decided to open his gob and speak about Proposition 8, the big hot topic in California at the moment. Remember, we did say he’s known for being a bit dim.

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Cherie Lunghi Stumbles Off

by Stuart Heritage

Oh great, now we’re in for another week of bitching about John Sergeant – Cherie Lunghi’s out of Strictly Come Dancing.

Cherie was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing because her Cha Cha Cha to Play That Funky Music was a little bit hit and miss – for the first time in ages Cherie got her legs, and therefore her knickers, out in the dance, but it was let down by the way she just lurched from one pedestrian pose to another without anything in between. And in yesterday’s dance-off, the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that they wanted to “see little bit more Wild Cherry coming out”. We’re pleased she didn’t oblige, because we’re pretty sure they meant her clitoris.

But now that Cherie Lunghi is no longer a part of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon…

Oh great, now we're in for another week of bitching about John Sergeant - Cherie Lunghi's out of Strictly Come Dancing. Cherie was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing because her Cha Cha Cha to Play That Funky Music was a little bit hit and miss - for the first time in ages Cherie got her legs, and therefore her knickers, out in the dance, but it was let down by the way she just lurched from one pedestrian pose to another without anything in between. And in yesterday's dance-off, the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that they wanted to "see little bit more Wild Cherry coming out". We're pleased she didn't oblige, because we're pretty sure they meant her clitoris. But now that Cherie Lunghi is no longer a part of Strictly Come Dancing, who's going to win? Here's part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon...
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Video: Arrested Development The Movie Is Officially “A Go”

by Shawn Lindseth

One morning, when we were very young, our father burst into our room to tell us that overnight our mother had somehow transformed into 322 lbs (he weighed it first thing) of gold bullion, and we were all rich beyond our wildest dreams. This was good news. In college we didn’t graduate, but on commencement [...]

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Why Can’t That Pregnant Man Keep It In His Pants? WHY?

by Stuart Heritage

Readers, we can now die and go to heaven – we’ve just seen the most confusing and slightly gut-churning thing we’ll ever see.

It’s a picture of Thomas Beatie – the famous pregnant man from a few months ago – topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It’s weird. It’s like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he’s managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird.

Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you’re thinking – usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender – but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie’s children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.

Readers, we can now die and go to heaven - we've just seen the most confusing and slightly gut-churning thing we'll ever see. It's a picture of Thomas Beatie - the famous pregnant man from a few months ago - topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It's weird. It's like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he's managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird. Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you're thinking - usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender - but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie's children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.
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Anthony Edwards Returns To ER To Thank Sole Remaining Viewer

by Stuart Heritage

R, the hospital show that nobody watches any more, has produced some big stars in its time – you know who we’re talking about.

We’re talking about Mekhi Phifer, famous for his tiny bitpart in the Eminem movie 8 Mile. And Noah Wyle, who left ER and found fame as the lead in The Librarian: Quest for the Spear – the only film in history that nobody has ever even considered watching. Oh, and Anthony Edwards.

But although Anthony Edwards left ER six years ago when his character died of brain cancer, the good news is that he’s back! Anthony Edwards is making an impressive return to ER tonight to mark the final season of the show, in an episode we’ll presume is called Why Doesn’t George Clooney Return Our Calls Any More?

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