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Celebrity Big Brother: Ulrika Jonsson Booted Out Tonight?

by Stuart Heritage

Well this is exciting – the end of Celebrity Big Brother’s first full week. And any week where Terry Christian dresses up as a king and zips about on a midget’s mobility scooter is a good week, right?

But the Celebrity Big Brother dream is going to end tonight for either Ulrika Jonsson or Lucy Pinder, after they were nominated for eviction for having a raging ego and all the talent of a shoebox respectively. One of them has to go, but who?

We looked at Lucy Pinder yesterday, so here’s Ulrika Jonsson’s chances of Celebrity Big Brother survival…

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Tori Spelling Returns To 90210 Long After We All Stopped Caring

by Stuart Heritage

There are two major disappointments about the Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off – the first one is that it’s a sack of balls.

The second is that there’s no Tori Spelling. We’d assumed that Tori Spelling was a shoo-in to appear on 90210, what with it being the show she’s most associated with and her being such a rubbish actor that she’d be grateful of the work and all. But it wasn’t to be.

Not until now, anyway – Tori Spelling is returning to 90210, which will be great news for the three people who watch 90210, are old enough to remember Tori Spelling and aren’t recovering lobotomy patients.

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Celebrity Big Brother: Lucy Pinder Out Tomorrow?

by Stuart Heritage

The first eviction of Celebrity Big Brother 2009 takes place tomorrow – it might be 10 evictions too few, but let’s not split hairs right now, eh?

Facing the chop from Celebrity Big Brother tomorrow night are Lucy Pinder and Ulrika Jonsson – so a woman paid to get her boobs out in public and a woman paid to tell everyone about all the people she’s ever got her boobs out for in private. Exciting!

So who do we think will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tomorrow night? Let’s start by looking at the chances of Lucy Pinder, shall we?

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Celebrity Big Brother: This Year’s Horrible Bumchops, Part 2

by Stuart Heritage

Today’s Celebrity Big Brother update: nothing happened. Nothing happened and, at this rate, nothing is going to happen. Ever.

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Look, It’s The First Hannah Montana Movie Trailer

by Stuart Heritage

Ready for the first Hannah Montana movie trailer? Good, because Miley Cyrus really doesn’t seem to want to.

You see, it’s obvious that Miley Cyrus really, really wants you to boycott the Hannah Montana movie when it’s released in April. That’s why she’s gone out of way to make the whole thing seem as grossly appalling as possible.

Look, there’s Miley Cyrus introducing the movie with the voice of a chainsmoking miniature troll who’s been possessed by the devil. Look, Miley Cyrus is saying her own name with a genuinely disturbing look of intense self-hatred plastered across her face.

What? There’s still a part of you that wants to go and see the Hannah Montana movie? Wait – Miley Cyrus isn’t done yet! Look, here’s Miley robotically referring to the Hannah Montana movie as “her first big-screen adventure” – which is essentially a slightly shorter way of saying “her integral second-quarter generic mass-marketed media, stationery or sweatshop-produced fashion product.” Here’s an insufferable berk on a horse! Here’s an actual verbal promise of an appearance by Rascal Flatts! Still want to go and see the Hannah Montana movie?

You do? You’re weird, you know that.

Ready for the first Hannah Montana movie trailer? Good, because Miley Cyrus really doesn't seem to want to. You see, it's obvious that Miley Cyrus really, really wants you to boycott the Hannah Montana movie when it's released in April. That's why she's gone out of way to make the whole thing seem as grossly appalling as possible. Look, there's Miley Cyrus introducing the movie with the voice of a chainsmoking miniature troll who's been possessed by the devil. Look, Miley Cyrus is saying her own name with a genuinely disturbing look of intense self-hatred plastered across her face. What? There's still a part of you that wants to go and see the Hannah Montana movie? Wait - Miley Cyrus isn't done yet! Look, here's Miley robotically referring to the Hannah Montana movie as "her first big-screen adventure" - which is essentially a slightly shorter way of saying "her integral second-quarter generic mass-marketed media, stationery or sweatshop-produced fashion product." Here's an insufferable berk on a horse! Here's an actual verbal promise of an appearance by Rascal Flatts! Still want to go and see the Hannah Montana movie? You do? You're weird, you know that.
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Celebrity Big Brother: This Year’s Horrible Bumchops, Part One

by Stuart Heritage

Hey kids, have you heard the news? Celebrity Big Brother is back – and better than ever! Alright, it’s back. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

So what’s new with Celebrity Big Brother this year? Well, judging by Friday’s big opening episode, it’s being sponsored by a bed shop and Davina McCall has taken to dressing like a big crow. And that’s literally it.

And since nothing of interest has happened whatsoever so far, let’s get going with the first of our semi-regular looks at Celebrity Big Brother 2009 by seeing which disappointingly minor stars have made it into the Celebrity Big Brother house…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Can Rachel Stevens Win?

by Stuart Heritage

So this is it – the last Strictly Come Dancing recap of 2008. And what a ride it’s been.

This season of Strictly Come Dancing has had everything – shock resignations, judge in-fighting, humiliatingly credibility-obliterating phone vote cock-ups and, um, Gillian Taylforth. And that’s literally it. We’ll miss you Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least we would if Dancing On Ice wasn’t starting in about a bloody fortnight. Sheesh.

So, can Rachel Stevens win the Strictly Come Dancing final? Here’s her recap…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Can Tom Chambers Win?

by Stuart Heritage

It’s the Strictly Come Dancing final on Saturday, which means two things: 1) it’s almost Christmas and 2) soon we’ll be writing about Celebrity Big Brother. How wonderful.

But back to Strictly Come Dancing. Saturday will be the culmination of half a year’s training for Lisa Snowdon, Tom Chambers and Rachel Stevens, and only one can win it. Unless, you know, the BBC makes the last-minute decision that they’ve all won and, instead of a final dance-off, Tess Daly just rolls around in everyone’s phone-vote money cackling like a witch. That seems to be the done thing these days.

So can Tom Chambers win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s his recap…

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American Idol Gets Revamped, Now Slightly Less Death-Stalkery

by Stuart Heritage

American Idol, it’s fair to say, is on the slide – last season it was only watched by 97% of Americans, down from the usual 105%.

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Gigantic Cock-Up Edition

by Stuart Heritage

It look a long time, but now it looks like someone’s finally found a way for Strictly Come Dancing to get even more pointless.

And that’s to make such a bodge of the scoring system that nobody gets eliminated. Wonderful. Thanks to a ridiculous cock-up, nobody got voted off Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday night, which means we wasted an evening that could have spend doing something more worthwhile like, say, eating a pair of shoes or committing arson.

But, despite this monumental balls-up, the Strictly Come Dancing final still takes place on Saturday, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

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