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Grey’s Anatomy Blunders Into Another Big Gay Kerfuffle

by Stuart Heritage

Every TV show has its weakness – for 24 it’s believability, for Heroes it’s how rubbish it is and for Grey’s Anatomy it’s homosexuality.

Having just clawed its way out of the last gayness-related snafu it managed to stagger into, Grey’s Anatomy has inexplicably managed to slam into another one by ditching a lesbian love plot midway through, firing one of the actresses involved and fixing the other one up so that she isn’t gay any more.

What is it with Grey’s Anatomy? It’s almost as if it wants all gay people to stop watching it. And if that happened it’d probably be the end of Grey’s Anatomy, because its remaining audience demographics – the elderly, the bed-bound, the narcoleptic and the stupid – don’t really play as well with advertisers.

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24: Stomping Back Onto TV On January 11

by Stuart Heritage

For all this talk of change, one thing must remain the same – the humourless blonde men who torture foreigners and never pee.

That’s right, we’re talking about Jack Bauer. And fortunately our prayers have been heeded – Fox has announced the exact airdate that the new season of 24 will return to our screens. Following the Africa-set TV movie prequel being broadcast on November 23, the two-day, four-hour 24 season premiere has been scheduled for January 11 and 12.

That genuinely can’t come fast enough for us – 24 has been off our screens for so long now that, and we’re slightly ashamed to admit this, last time we saw a man of Middle Eastern descent, we weren’t immediately gripped by a kneejerk urge to tie him to a chair, submerge his feet into a bucket of water and then electrocute him while screaming at him to tell us the nuclear disarmament codes. Jack Bauer would be so ashamed of us.

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Cherie, John & Tom

by Stuart Heritage

Here it comes, another blast of Strictly Come Dancing recaps. You’ll miss them when they’ve gone, you know.

But first, let’s take another look at how close Len Goodman is getting to his full-scale nervous breakdown. This week, we’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter how much he slags off the dancers, he never gives them a score below six. Our bet is that at some point soon, the two warring sides of Len’s personality will break loose of each other, causing him to open a spooky hotel and kill everyone. We’ve seen Psycho. We know how it works.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, John Sergeant and Tom Chambers…

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Jodie Kidd & Lisa Snowdon

by Stuart Heritage

We’re now halfway through Strictly Come Dancing 2008, which seems slightly absurd.

Have we really been watching Strictly Come Dancing for seven weeks? It’s seemed like so much longer than that. But at least now we’re on the home stretch – the part where the judges start pleading with the public to ditch John Sergeant and Austin Healey wins and ends up fulfilling his life dream as a result – appearing on A Question Of Sport slightly more often than usual.

But until then, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps of Saturday’s show, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon…

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Report: Televisions Get Your Children Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

We already have plenty of things to blame Sarah Jessica Parker for – transvestites who only speak in puns to name one – but that’s not enough for her.

No, now Sarah Jessica Parker has been named as the reason why there are so many pregnant teenagers running around. She hasn’t been impregnating the teens directly – although we wouldn’t put it past her, the shifty-faced git – but she has been putting the idea into their heads. Probably.

A new report has shown that teenage girls are more than twice as likely to get pregnant if they watch a lot of TV shows that contain sexual content. We can see that the report has a point – as teenagers we watched a lot of All Creatures Great And Small, and to this day we can’t even look at a cow without running over and ramming a fist up its bottom until a baby cow comes out.

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Heroes Bigwigs Get The Boot, Heroes Still Poopants

by Stuart Heritage

Two ways to tell that a TV show is in trouble: 1) its producers get fired and 2) the show is so terrible it makes people want to vomit tears.

And that spells a big uh-oh for Heroes, because both of those apply equally to it. The latter has done since around the end of the first season, but the former has only just happened. Heroes co-executive producers Jeph Loeb and Jesse Alexander have been given the boot by NBC in an attempt to make the show decent again.

There’s no word on who’ll replace Loeb and Alexander on Heroes, but we think it’ll be us. We have a three-point Heroes resuscitation plan raring to go, and it’s unbeatable. 1) Reduce the cast down to a key core of characters, 2) ditch all the time travel, and 3) bring in a new character who’s a cartoon time-travelling giraffe who speaks in rhymes like a rapper and has magical sunglasses. Kids still like rap, right?

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Strictly Come Dancing Recap: Andrew Castle Totters Off

by Stuart Heritage

Given that he danced like Frankenstein’s monster trampling bubblewrap, Andrew Castle was never going to get far on Strictly Come Dancing.

And yesterday he went. Despite an injury, Andrew Castle unsuccessfully decided to draw attention away from his dicky knee by waggling his shoulders around like an electrocution victim and sort of thrusting his arms about like he was trying to fight off an army of invisible rapists. Not even Andrew Castle’s dance partner rubbing her fanny up and down his bad knee could save him, and that’s really saying something.

So, with Andrew Castle gone, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the first part of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps this week, for Austin Healey and Heather Small…

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Courteney Cox Makes A Sitcom About A Slaggy Old Lady

by Stuart Heritage

Courteney Cox must have been sad when Dirt was cancelled – her one chance to feel up a string of younger men for cash, gone.

So Courteney Cox must be thanking her lucky stars that she’s just signed up to star in a new ABC sitcom by the creator of Scrubs called Cougar Town, where she’ll get to play a woman in her forties who basically has it off with a string of younger men a lot.

Look, we know what you’re thinking – first Dirt, then Cougar Town. Courteney Cox is a really big fan of these salaciously-named TV shows, isn’t she? That’s good news for us, because the last three scripts we’ve written have been entitled Giant Slag, Tits! and Sluttybum McHussyknickers. We’re going to be rich, we tell you. Rich!

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David Tennant Has Had Enough Of This Poxy Doctor Who Lark

by Stuart Heritage

Over the last few years David Tennant has firmly established himself as the most irritatingly wacky gonk-faced Doctor Who ever.

But all good things have to come to an end at some point, and that’s why David Tennant yesterday confirmed everyone’s worst fears – he’s making four more Doctor Who specials. No, that’s not it. We meant to say that after making his four Doctor Who specials, David Tennant is going to leave Doctor Who.

It was a sad announcement, and it’s left Doctor Who fans profoundly upset. But at the same time, the news has also kickstarted speculation over who’ll become the next Doctor Who. Finding an actor who can encapsulate David Tennant’s bravery, enthusiasm and range of zany facial expressions won’t be too hard, though, and we hear that fictional 1980s cartoon puppy Scrappy Doo is top of everyone’s wishlist.

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Marion Jones Does A Roidy Blub-Blub On Oprah

by Stuart Heritage

We like our female athletes like we like our coffee – brutish and startlingly masculine – which is why we like Marion Jones so much.

Oh come on, you remember Marion Jones – the American athlete who won five medals at the 2000 Olympics and then lost them all because she was pumped up to the knockers on steroids, and then ended up getting thrown in jail for the exact same reason. Essentially Marion Jones is the Incredible Hulk, only bulkier and with a deeper voice.

Oprah Winfrey thinks so too, because yesterday Marion Jones appeared on her show in her first post-prison interview. Were there tears? Yes. Were therehamfisted stabs at self-help therapy-speak? Yes. Was there a moment where Marion Jones lost her temper with Oprah Winfrey, crushed her skull with one hand andjavelined her dead body into the sun. No, no there wasn’t. And don’t think we’re not disappointed about that.

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