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Jail has changed Foxy Brown, that’s for sure.

In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.

But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?

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The top and the bottom.

Folded:

• The sun (hello old friend)

• Firing two off The Apprentice (and righty so, though if Alan could hurry up and sack that fat dump truck bird who bitches about everybody that would be fine too)

• Pjanoo by Pryda (dance like it’s 1992)

• Mila Kunis (fugly as Meg in Family Guy, lightening bolt stunning as Rachel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

• Iron Man (what were we expecting? Something better? Perhaps, but it still pushes most of the right buttons until Indy)

Creased:

• Cadbury’s ‘Trucks’ ad (they look like toys, but they’re actually real vehicles – quick, give us some chocolate now!!!)

• Face cake (apparently popular in America. Here we just call it cake)

• Estelle dancing (watch the video with Kanye West, because she really can’t)

• Raiders of the Lost Ark on BBC1 last week in pan & scan (not even some tiny black bars? It’s not like we don’t all own big TVs now anyway)

• “Spider Pig, Spider Pig, does whatever a Spider Pig does” (eight months on and it still isn’t funny)

Remember watching those nature filmstrips in grade school that showed monkeys eating their young?

Remember thinking, “wow, now there is some exemplary parenting that should be honoured with the presentation of an award“? Of course you do.

The same principle applies for Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s mommy dearest, who is being given an award for her strides in mothering, or something. Just to be clear, then. This is Dina Lohan. The mother of Lindsay Lohan. Honoured with a mothering award. Animals who eat their young.

The circle of life at its finest, everyone.

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It’s that time of the year again when music lovers gather in a field to celebrate the thing they love, live music.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

We begin with the first big festival-type affair of the year, this weekend’s Radio 1’s Big Weekend down in Kent. This particular bash doesn’t have a fixed location, but over the years it has proved to be a popular event for all who can get a ticket.

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Wishes at hecklerspray HQ generally vary from person to person. Some just want others to stop nicking their pens. Others just want to remember what the daylight looks like.

And of course, some people’s wishes that involve a bottle of chilli sauce, an encyclopedia and a mask are ones we don’t want to know about. But we can all agree that banishing rubbish pop stars is high on the list, and for a few hours at least recently, our dream temporarily came true as former Spice Girl and all round annoying person Geri Halliwell got locked away for a few hours.

While many agree that prison would be the best place for her, sadly Geri wasn’t locked away with the other lags of this world. Instead, she had her own temporary jail cell in the closest thing to a damp squalid hellhole – the Lakeside shopping centre in Essex. The sight of orange-skinned chavs is punishment enough for any man, woman or child.

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Pete Doherty’s prison adventure has been cut dramatically short - not by a horrific stabbing injury as some had hoped, but by early release.

Released less than a month into his 14-week jail sentence, Pete Doherty is now a free man once again, much like Ronnie Barker from Going Straight except a bit less funny and/or dead.

Still, even 29 days in jail is long enough for someone to become institutionalised, which means in the next few days you might see pictures of Pete Doherty stumbling around looking a bit confused and unwashed. Don’t worry if you do - it means he’s completely back to normal. Thanks folks, we’re here all week.

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In the year or our Lord two thousand and two, hecklerspray got robbed. We were calmly walking down a picturesque cobble-stone walkway when we suddenly found ourselves handing two popsicles and a toaster strudel over to a nine-year-old with a fistful of corkscrews sticking out between his fingers. We meant her fingers.

We were devastated, as that had been our lunch, and we silently swore that nobody should ever have to endure atrocity like that again. Since then no nine-year-old girls have been safe from our wrath. That’s because we bought a mask to secure our true identities, and several canoe paddles we carry around with us all the time. It’s all extremely intimidating but we’ll use ‘em if we have to – just try us little girl! We’ll knock your flower-patterned external retainer-wearing butt to kingdom come!

50 Cent’s been robbed too, you know. It makes us feel better, like we’re not quite so lonely in our victim-ness. His robbery may take a sizeable chunk out of his horrible thug cred, as it happened onstage in front of an entire African nation of what we assume are starving, poverty stricken people.

And when you get robbed by a belly-bloated starving guy, and it gets filmed and posted on Youtube, well how can you face your friends again after something like that?

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Watch any teatime broadcast of Baywatch and you’ll see Pamela Anderson as a Barbie doll of a woman who saves drowning pensioners and children whilst prancing around in a red swimsuit.

But behind the smile and massive hooters lies a dark secret, as it’s been revealed that Pamela Anderson was brutally attacked as a child. Not by a pack of wild dogs full of explosive rabies or a perverted old man, but by a menacing gang of leeches. Maybe she looked at them funny.

Um, that’s the top and bottom off it really. However, with our powerful contacts on the inside, we’ve been granted the ins and outs of a police report filled against the leeches that have permanently scarred Pamela on the left shoulder. Some details are sketchy, but we’ve done our best to sum it up for you.

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When bands get big and famous, they tend to shun the grimy pubs and seedy back ally clubs. Instead of playing for a crowd of seven pissed old men who are more annoyed that you’re unsettling their darts night you elevated to superstar venues.

From playing horrible branded beer based academies, arenas and festivals, it’s a great milestone for any band, The Futurehead’s are no exception. After gigging around the North-East for to long, they finally got their spring bored to stardom with Hounds Of Love.

However, The Futureheads tonight played a very special and unique gig. In association with lovely tasting Gaymers cider and Channel 4, they aimed to take bands back to their hometown roots. And hecklerspray was there to see the band rekindle their love for Sunderland and play an intimate set for a handful of lucky competition winners.

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Dennis Rodman has always come off as a lovely chap - the sort of man who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

So it’s a shock to hear that Dennis Rodman, the 6′6″ heavily-tattooed and facially-pierced athlete turned part-time wrestler and reality TV show star, has been arrested on suspicion of attacking his girlfriend during a drunken incident in a Los Angeles hotel.

We’re genuinely stunned by this news. We’ve seen Dennis Rodman on TV over the past few years, and he just doesn’t look the sort. It’s utterly implausible from however you look at it. Dennis Rodman has a girlfriend? An actual real girlfriend? We don’t buy it for a second.

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Fear not, we’re not promoting stabbing and gang violence yet – we’ll leave that for Grand Theft Auto IV. Well, that’s if you believe The Sun anyway.

For this week’s musical offering, we remain in Manchester. Everyone loves Manchester; it gave us Oasis who made two decent albums many years ago. We also got a comedy grump in the form of Morrissey. The meat hating rocker has many a follower.

But those two particular artists lack a certain sound. It’s the hint of any electronics, or if you’d prefer to call them, ‘those computer-sounding bits.’ Ever since New Order got all pissy with each other, the city needs a new dominating electronic-influenced band. We may have just found one with Daggers.

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Listen, we’re going to tell you this, but you absolutely mustn’t care about it. If you do, we’ll find you and attack you.

OK, ready? Mariah Carey’s got engaged. Ta-daaaaah! Do you care? No, no you don’t - and that’s the way it should be. But wait, what if we tell you that Mariah Carey has got engaged to Nick Cannon? Do you care now? No, of course you don’t, because you don’t know who Nick Cannon is. Nobody does.

So what about this - Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have known each other for less than two months, which means the chances of this ending in a way that’s messy and embarrassing for all is sky-high? Yeah, now you care. Doesn’t matter. We’re still coming to beat you up.

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