TV Reviews / Previews
America’s Got Talent: Susan Boyle! OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGod!
The final week of auditions showcased people who had auditioned through MySpace. So we settled down to watch, fully expecting the acts to be pimply boys showing off their collection of Dungeons And Dragons figurines, recently divorced women with a pitiful lack of self worth trying desperately to get laid, and 15-year-old girls pulling up their t-shirts to show a bit of their bra. Nope. So what did we get instead? Only Susan bloody Boyle giving an interview to Today Show semi-milf Meredith Viera, that's what.
The final week of auditions showcased people who had auditioned through MySpace. So we settled down to watch, fully expecting the acts to be pimply boys showing off their collection of Dungeons And Dragons figurines, recently divorced women with a pitiful lack of self worth trying desperately to get laid, and 15-year-old girls pulling up their t-shirts to show a bit of their bra. Nope. So what did we get instead? Only Susan bloody Boyle giving an interview to Today Show semi-milf Meredith Viera, that's what.
Big Brother: Holy Blimey, They’re (Almost) All Up For Eviction
Now that Big Brother has approximately 42,000 housemates, a cull seemed like the most sensible option. So a cull it is - this week, 11 housemates are up for eviction, with only Lisa and Rodrigo definitely safe - which is ironic, because Big Brother's entire audience is desperate to get rid of Lisa at the first opportunity. We're not going to talk about all 11 nominated Big Brother housemates, because frankly we can't be arsed, so let's concentrate on the three who stand most chance of being evicted tomorrow. So that'll be Noirin, Marcus and Kenneth, then...
Now that Big Brother has approximately 42,000 housemates, a cull seemed like the most sensible option. So a cull it is - this week, 11 housemates are up for eviction, with only Lisa and Rodrigo definitely safe - which is ironic, because Big Brother's entire audience is desperate to get rid of Lisa at the first opportunity. We're not going to talk about all 11 nominated Big Brother housemates, because frankly we can't be arsed, so let's concentrate on the three who stand most chance of being evicted tomorrow. So that'll be Noirin, Marcus and Kenneth, then...
Big Brother: Dear God, There’s More Of Them
Friday's Big Brother was a rollercoaster - specifically a new type of rollercoaster that goes on forever and is comprised of all lows and no highs. If you missed it, here's what happened - first, five new housemates were brought in to liven things up, including Karly's boyfriend. And then Karly was evicted about 30 seconds later. And then the new housemates were told they had to try and get two other housemates nominated or else they'd all be up for eviction. Or something. By that point Big Brother had been for for about seven hours and we were losing the will to live, frankly. Anyway, let's meet the new Big Brother housemates...
Friday's Big Brother was a rollercoaster - specifically a new type of rollercoaster that goes on forever and is comprised of all lows and no highs. If you missed it, here's what happened - first, five new housemates were brought in to liven things up, including Karly's boyfriend. And then Karly was evicted about 30 seconds later. And then the new housemates were told they had to try and get two other housemates nominated or else they'd all be up for eviction. Or something. By that point Big Brother had been for for about seven hours and we were losing the will to live, frankly. Anyway, let's meet the new Big Brother housemates...
Big Brother: What? Halfwit’s Not Up For Eviction? WHAT?
We're confused. Scared and confused. Scared and confused and incontinent. And it's all Big Brother's fault. Sods. Why? What did Big Brother do? It didn't nominate Halfwit for eviction this week. Don't these idiots understand how Big Brother works? Nothing ever happens and then Halfwit gets nominated for eviction. THAT'S HOW BIG BROTHER WORKS, IDIOTS! But this week, oh no. The Big Brother housemates have realised that a bucket of plague couldn't shift Halfwit from the house, which is why Shiavash, Dogface, Noirin and Karly are up for eviction instead. So let's have a bloody look at them, then...
We're confused. Scared and confused. Scared and confused and incontinent. And it's all Big Brother's fault. Sods. Why? What did Big Brother do? It didn't nominate Halfwit for eviction this week. Don't these idiots understand how Big Brother works? Nothing ever happens and then Halfwit gets nominated for eviction. THAT'S HOW BIG BROTHER WORKS, IDIOTS! But this week, oh no. The Big Brother housemates have realised that a bucket of plague couldn't shift Halfwit from the house, which is why Shiavash, Dogface, Noirin and Karly are up for eviction instead. So let's have a bloody look at them, then...
TV Review: Katie Price Meets Piers Morgan
To the despair of Google Image users everywhere, there are several Jordans in the world: The basketball player, the Asian country and the brand of Nike Airs to name just three. However, potential masturbators will be most familiar with the variable-titted cock-holster better known as Katie Price. As promised on Twitter, Katie has been keeping a dignified silence about her divorce with Aussie warbler Peter Andre, breaking it only briefly to swear about him. Which is about as dignified as you can get without talking to Piers Morgan on TV and revealing all - thankfully not literally: one slimy twat is more than enough.
To the despair of Google Image users everywhere, there are several Jordans in the world: The basketball player, the Asian country and the brand of Nike Airs to name just three. However, potential masturbators will be most familiar with the variable-titted cock-holster better known as Katie Price. As promised on Twitter, Katie has been keeping a dignified silence about her divorce with Aussie warbler Peter Andre, breaking it only briefly to swear about him. Which is about as dignified as you can get without talking to Piers Morgan on TV and revealing all - thankfully not literally: one slimy twat is more than enough.
Big Brother: No More Kris. Good.
Hooray! Kris and his ridiculous floppy clown wig have been evicted from Big Brother! We never have to type the word 'Krogface' ever again! Hooray! Let's not dwell on Kris' Big Brother eviction because, well, it was boring and he was boring and hopefully he'll go away now. Instead, let's focus on the good news - Big Brother is finally introducing some more housemates this week! Brilliant! A bunch of people who the Big Brother producers deemed to be even less interesting than the current lot are going into the least-interesting Big Brother house ever! Boy oh boy, this is going to be... oh, what's the word? DULL! Anyway, here are the Big Brother housemates who have caught our eye this week...
Hooray! Kris and his ridiculous floppy clown wig have been evicted from Big Brother! We never have to type the word 'Krogface' ever again! Hooray! Let's not dwell on Kris' Big Brother eviction because, well, it was boring and he was boring and hopefully he'll go away now. Instead, let's focus on the good news - Big Brother is finally introducing some more housemates this week! Brilliant! A bunch of people who the Big Brother producers deemed to be even less interesting than the current lot are going into the least-interesting Big Brother house ever! Boy oh boy, this is going to be... oh, what's the word? DULL! Anyway, here are the Big Brother housemates who have caught our eye this week...
Big Brother Eviction: Is This The End Of Krogface?
One of the problems of this year's Big Brother is that only two housemates have ever been nominated for eviction at a time. Which would be OK, except that the public's inexplicable love affair with Halfwit means that he'll never get evicted. The evictions are a foregone conclusion right from the get-go. But things are different this week, oh things are different alright. Halfwit's up for eviction, as ever, but so is Kris, Dogface, Charlie and Marcus. Big Brother is exciting again! Well, maybe not 'exciting' per se, but, um, you know... oh, let's just look at their chances of getting evicted, OK?
One of the problems of this year's Big Brother is that only two housemates have ever been nominated for eviction at a time. Which would be OK, except that the public's inexplicable love affair with Halfwit means that he'll never get evicted. The evictions are a foregone conclusion right from the get-go. But things are different this week, oh things are different alright. Halfwit's up for eviction, as ever, but so is Kris, Dogface, Charlie and Marcus. Big Brother is exciting again! Well, maybe not 'exciting' per se, but, um, you know... oh, let's just look at their chances of getting evicted, OK?
TV Preview: You Have Been Watching, Channel 4, 07/07
Every now and then we like to catch a virus just to mix things up a bit and remind our immune system that it still has a role to play in our continuing existence. To keep things interesting, given that it is summer; we decided to go with the common cold. As males we know how devastating this can be, with days of unrelenting torment and an extra 15 minutes added to getting up rituals spent futilely pumping enough drugs and various homeopathic remedies into our bodies until we feel we can connect with the outside world. We decided to hold on to this condition even for the duration of the maiden episode of Charlie Brooker's new vehicle which broadcasts tonight on Channel 4. That's how brave we are.
Every now and then we like to catch a virus just to mix things up a bit and remind our immune system that it still has a role to play in our continuing existence. To keep things interesting, given that it is summer; we decided to go with the common cold. As males we know how devastating this can be, with days of unrelenting torment and an extra 15 minutes added to getting up rituals spent futilely pumping enough drugs and various homeopathic remedies into our bodies until we feel we can connect with the outside world. We decided to hold on to this condition even for the duration of the maiden episode of Charlie Brooker's new vehicle which broadcasts tonight on Channel 4. That's how brave we are.
