TV Reviews / Previews
X Factor Returns On Saturday, Abandon All Hope Now
Just like Christmas, Easter, St George's Day and the mourning of our office hamster, X Factor has made its mark and become a regular calendar fixture. Entering series number six, the programme will once again whittle down a select few hopefuls from hundreds of thousands and give them the belief they’ll win an elusive record deal. And for the rejects? Well for a good five weeks ITV can boost its audience share by editing together programmes that contain utterly shoddy performers. Will there be tears? Burly council estate dads threatening the judges when their tubby daughter is rejected? Quite likely yes, but will there be Japanese monkeys wheeled in to work with the chosen few in bootcamp? We don’t really know, which is why we present our predictions for X Factor 2009.
Just like Christmas, Easter, St George's Day and the mourning of our office hamster, X Factor has made its mark and become a regular calendar fixture. Entering series number six, the programme will once again whittle down a select few hopefuls from hundreds of thousands and give them the belief they’ll win an elusive record deal. And for the rejects? Well for a good five weeks ITV can boost its audience share by editing together programmes that contain utterly shoddy performers. Will there be tears? Burly council estate dads threatening the judges when their tubby daughter is rejected? Quite likely yes, but will there be Japanese monkeys wheeled in to work with the chosen few in bootcamp? We don’t really know, which is why we present our predictions for X Factor 2009.
Big Brother: Well Look At That, Freddie’s Been Evicted
On Friday's Big Brother, the impossible happened - the previously invincible Freddie was evicted. Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece. Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who've caught our eye this week - Bea, Lisa and David...
On Friday's Big Brother, the impossible happened - the previously invincible Freddie was evicted. Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece. Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who've caught our eye this week - Bea, Lisa and David...
America’s Got Talent: Tony And Rory Go Through, World Raises An Eyebrow
Let's not try to pretend it's making anything approaching sense any more. The only way that the decision-making on this season of America's Got Talent could be any screwier is if the producers went into a ward full of pneumonia patients, asked the coughiest one to chub his phlegm up into a paper cup, and then got Paula Abdul to decide which act looked most like the bloody lung-biscuit. Honestly, any more of this and we're going to have to consider Plan B: sticking a photograph of Susan Boyle on the end of a lollipop stick and then holding it in front of the TV as each act performs. That'll calm us down. She's dreamy.
Let's not try to pretend it's making anything approaching sense any more. The only way that the decision-making on this season of America's Got Talent could be any screwier is if the producers went into a ward full of pneumonia patients, asked the coughiest one to chub his phlegm up into a paper cup, and then got Paula Abdul to decide which act looked most like the bloody lung-biscuit. Honestly, any more of this and we're going to have to consider Plan B: sticking a photograph of Susan Boyle on the end of a lollipop stick and then holding it in front of the TV as each act performs. That'll calm us down. She's dreamy.
Big Brother: It’s Halfwit Vs Marcus
It's been an interesting week in the Big Brother house so far, and that's a sentence we haven't used since about 2006. For some sort of complex reason that we haven't been able to fully grasp, the Big Brother housemates have been allowed to discuss nominations with each other. As well as revealing exactly how much each contestant wants to win Big Brother, it's also ensured that the last few weeks of the show are going to be more jumpy and paranoid than Amy Winehouse in a haunted hall of mirrors. It's also meant that Halfwit and Marcus will be facing eviction from the Big Brother house tomorrow. It should be a close one, so let's have a looky...
It's been an interesting week in the Big Brother house so far, and that's a sentence we haven't used since about 2006. For some sort of complex reason that we haven't been able to fully grasp, the Big Brother housemates have been allowed to discuss nominations with each other. As well as revealing exactly how much each contestant wants to win Big Brother, it's also ensured that the last few weeks of the show are going to be more jumpy and paranoid than Amy Winehouse in a haunted hall of mirrors. It's also meant that Halfwit and Marcus will be facing eviction from the Big Brother house tomorrow. It should be a close one, so let's have a looky...
Big Brother: Hira’s Gone. Remember Hira?
So on Friday, Lisa was the housemate officially least likely to win Big Brother, and all of Davina McCall's links were rendered inaudible by mob chanting "Get Lisa out!" So, naturally, Hira was evicted. Poor Hira, a victim of Big Brother's 'vote to save' policy last week. Still, we'll remember you Hira. That was your name, right? Hira? We can't really mentally place your face, but if you come up to us and tell us your name, there's about a 50% likelihood that we'll remember you. Anyway, onto the Big Brother housemates who've caught our eye this week - Dogface, Halfwit and Rodrigo...
So on Friday, Lisa was the housemate officially least likely to win Big Brother, and all of Davina McCall's links were rendered inaudible by mob chanting "Get Lisa out!" So, naturally, Hira was evicted. Poor Hira, a victim of Big Brother's 'vote to save' policy last week. Still, we'll remember you Hira. That was your name, right? Hira? We can't really mentally place your face, but if you come up to us and tell us your name, there's about a 50% likelihood that we'll remember you. Anyway, onto the Big Brother housemates who've caught our eye this week - Dogface, Halfwit and Rodrigo...
Big Brother: Good Lord, Everyone’s Up For Eviction
This is just a wild punt, but we're guessing that tomorrow's Big Brother eviction is going to be the most exciting of the series so far. Why? Because everybody is up for eviction. The viewers finally have the chance to vote out the Big Brother housemate who annoys them the most, regardless of who's been nominated. Well, actually that's not strictly true - what's actually going to happen is that the viewers have to vote to save their favourite housemate, which means that tomorrow's evictee will be the housemate who people care the least about. Which, in our case, is everyone. Let's look at the three Big Brother housemates who we think are most likely to get booted out tomorrow - Hira, Lisa and Bea...
This is just a wild punt, but we're guessing that tomorrow's Big Brother eviction is going to be the most exciting of the series so far. Why? Because everybody is up for eviction. The viewers finally have the chance to vote out the Big Brother housemate who annoys them the most, regardless of who's been nominated. Well, actually that's not strictly true - what's actually going to happen is that the viewers have to vote to save their favourite housemate, which means that tomorrow's evictee will be the housemate who people care the least about. Which, in our case, is everyone. Let's look at the three Big Brother housemates who we think are most likely to get booted out tomorrow - Hira, Lisa and Bea...
America’s Got Talent: Simon Cowell Demands A Rematch
Tuesday night saw the re-auditioning of some of the season's losers, per the orders of Godfather Simon Cowell. Last week, America's Got Talent brought a couple hundred of its remaining acts to Las Vegas. More specifically, to a Las Vegas airport hangar. Upon their arrival David Hasselhoff appeared, dressed as a homosexual 18th Century plantation owner, to tell all of the best acts that the whole thing had been a con and they were going straight back home. The foolishness was halted by an unexpected phonecall from the ultimate boss, Simon Cowell, telling the moronic judges they had to reconsider their choices. So, who would be back in? Let's see...
Tuesday night saw the re-auditioning of some of the season's losers, per the orders of Godfather Simon Cowell. Last week, America's Got Talent brought a couple hundred of its remaining acts to Las Vegas. More specifically, to a Las Vegas airport hangar. Upon their arrival David Hasselhoff appeared, dressed as a homosexual 18th Century plantation owner, to tell all of the best acts that the whole thing had been a con and they were going straight back home. The foolishness was halted by an unexpected phonecall from the ultimate boss, Simon Cowell, telling the moronic judges they had to reconsider their choices. So, who would be back in? Let's see...
Big Brother: Noirin’s Out, And She’s Taken Her Idiot Boyfriend With Her
Yeah, well done Big Brother - this gimmick of bringing in the housemates' partners is working a treat, isn't it? Remember when Karly's boyfriend was brought in, then Karly was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards? Well guess what - Noirin's boyfriend was brought into the Big Brother house last week, then Norin was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards. We don't know what to say - other than that the Big Brother producers should probably get Lisa's girlfriend in pronto. But now Noirin's gone, here are the Big Brother housemates who've caught our eye this week...
Yeah, well done Big Brother - this gimmick of bringing in the housemates' partners is working a treat, isn't it? Remember when Karly's boyfriend was brought in, then Karly was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards? Well guess what - Noirin's boyfriend was brought into the Big Brother house last week, then Norin was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards. We don't know what to say - other than that the Big Brother producers should probably get Lisa's girlfriend in pronto. But now Noirin's gone, here are the Big Brother housemates who've caught our eye this week...
