TV Reviews / Previews

We don't know about you, but we love it when a reality TV contestant - who everyone has known would win since the first day - turns his winning interview into an incomprehensible rant about heaven and hell and spirals and stuff.

That's the case with Pete Bennett, the 24-year-old Tourette's sufferer who briefly turned "Meow! Wankers!" into this year's "Wazzzzup" - Pete won Big Brother 7 on Friday night. And now that Big Brother is over, all we have to look forward to are the petrified faces of Richard and Judy as they try to guide Pete through a swearless interview on live TV.

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Last night, after weeks and weeks of varied and challenging Apprentice tasks - like selling fruit, selling cars, selling flats, selling pizzas and selling clothes - Michelle Dewberry became the latest of Sir Alan Sugar's Apprentice.

Quite what job Michelle Dewberry will be given by Alan Sugar after winning The Apprentice is unclear, but let's hope for her sake that she isn't put in charge of flogging those shitty-looking animatronic Alan Sugar Big Mouth Billy Bass rip-off heads that Alan Sugar keeps punting around like a grubby market trader. Read the rest of this entry »

The final two candidates in The Apprentice are Michelle Dewberry and Ruth Badger. Or - for those of you who have just dipped in and out of the show - the giant scary girl, and the one with the low-cut tops that cries a lot.

The best-performing candidate in the Apprentice tasks up until now, Paul, was sent packing by Sir Alan Sugar. The nice guy Ansell also followed him out the door as the women took over the final. Read the rest of this entry »

Channel Four is a wonderful thing ain’t it? It’s taken nigh on 20 years for it to work out that ‘watching through fingers’ TV pulls the eyeballs in.

The had Minipops, a Glitterfest for kiddiewinks to schlink around singing Iko Iko or whatever. Now, with the dubious successes of You Are What You Eat and You! Your Boyfriend Didn’t Tell You He Was Working For The Taliban (possibly) they’ve got a new breed of wrongramme.

Welcome stage right, It’s Me Or The Dog.

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First Chloe Sevigny swallowed Vincent Gallo hard and deep in Brown Bunny. Then Kerry Fox took it on camera. Then, the boy formerly known as Gruey debased himself with another actress in 9 Songs. Now, it’s the turn of the great British public to wipe the salty muck away from their slack chops in the name of the Eurovision Song Contest.

Saturday saw Making Your Mind Up - yet another show in the form of pubic voting - this time, to decide who we’d be packing off to Athens to try and win the bizarrest of all singing contests - Eurovision.

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To sum up what Channel Four’s Brat Camp is like, you have to take a quote direct from one of the brats involved:

"You’re all in my fucking face and you’re all fucked up."

Beautiful, ain’t it? Out of the mouth of babes and fucklings.

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TV is your friend. It is there to help you and make you a better person. If you don’t comply, you are, quite frankly, ungrateful and shit. Celebrity Fit Club kicked off with a mixture of the ungrateful AND shits.

The people on Celebrity Fit Club are of varying celebrity stature. However, one thing they all have in common is that they are all horribly fat.

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Head shot. The man’s name is Jonah Falcon. There’s no denying that Jonah is blessed with a beautiful name. But - sweet shitting crikey - it’s his behemoth phallus that grabs the plaudits. A farmer apparently told him he was "built like a mule." Welcome to The World’s Biggest Penis, shown last night on Channel Four.

Fact fans will be interested to note that your average penis is six inches long when, ahem, full of blood. Jonah’s is 13-and-a-half inches. Nearly double. It’s no joke to imagine being clubbed to death by it. There are smaller salmon. Obviously, a man with a massive thing like that isn’t going to be shy about it (who wouldn’t be?), and when it is unleashed on camera… well, it’s enough to scare a police horse. Probably make it quite jealous too.

It’s so long that Jonah can wrap it around his hand a couple of times. This just isn’t right. He could do back-stroke and - no doubt - there would be a few Cock Ness Monster gags flying about. You see, Jonah has the World’s Biggest Penis. Sure enough, he’s made his money from it (although not in skin flicks) and subsequently, craves the attention that it has obviously brought from both men and women alike.

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Let’s be honest here. Extraordinary Breastfeeding is one of those titles that demands the attention of your eyeballs when you are scanning the TV listings. This programme will surely appal the very piss right out of your very frightened puny groin. Channel Four, mission accomplished once again.

Before viewing, whilst half-watching the BBC’s insane How Safe Is Your House? – where Auntie Beeb has set up some bizarre Marie Celeste’d houses and… well… blew ‘em to pieces – we could barely concentrate. We were already dreaming about breast. Well, lactating ones, at least. That are extraordinary.

Will Extraordinary Breastfeeding have infant monkeys being fed at the nipple of a 70-year-old lady?! Better still, will it include a hoard of dwarfs suckling at a panting Labrador? Or - YES! IT WILL INCLUDE WOLF BOY! WOLF BOY BEING FED AT THE BREAST OF WOLF LADY!!!

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Channel Four continue to make you, dear viewer, feel like a dog’s dick. If it’s not tales of woe, it’s making you know that you aren’t up to scratch.

It’s likely that these TV spods aren’t actually lefty liberals with a will to help the poor and needy. It’s more likely a room of Nathan Barley’s using irony to bully you into submission, whilst they all have a giggle at your expense.

Obviously, these twerps at C4 towers won’t do the dirty work themselves. A long line of upwardly mobile swine are on the streets and out to get you. Leading the finger wagging is the petrifying Nicky Hambleton-Jones from 10 Years Younger (also known as Aryan Youth Goes Mental On A Prole).

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Channel 4 is dealing with the post Christmas blues in a really weird way. After the shock mongering of Dr Von Hagens’ Autopsy business, the frightening finger-wagging of Supernanny and the Aryan nightmare of 10 Years Younger, Channel 4 played it’s joker.

That joker was Tony Blair – ROCK STAR!

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If you hate teenagers as much as hecklerspray does, then it’s probably not a very good idea to watch Hollyoaks. Whether you watch it because you love it, or down to some student irony, the fact remains. You are hooked. Hooked watching teenagers. And you hate teenagers.

At the moment, Hollyoaks revolves around a pair of
incredibly annoying teenagers at war with each other over a boy called
Justin. With half a brain, you wouldn’t fight over anybody with a name
like Justin. Come on, what is his surname? Decent? The nick of time?

Anyway, lame puns aside, the cast of Hollyoaks have worked a miracle.
They’ve got actors and actresses who actually resemble horrible little
orange faced tarty teens. They snipe, act hormonal and we despise them.
Mission accomplished. In fact, one of the actresses looks so round-headed and orange, it isn’t beyond the realms of possibility to imagine
her sitting outside an off-licence demanding a ‘tab’ from you.

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