TV Reviews / Previews

Heroes concluded this week on BBC2, putting together the last two episodes of the cult-soaked mainstream hit series.

The first of the two episodes this week promised to start with a bang, quite literally. When we last left the titular band of heroes Peter Petrelli was about to go nuclear, thereby splattering his floppy hair all over the place. The episode closed with him telling his niece Claire to shoot him, exciting and promising stuff - or so you’d think. It seems the writers are so desperate to keep their audience that they seem to assume that we have the attention span of an ADHD kid who has drunk two litres of coke. What we get is Peter just turning around and saying he’s OK and then they plod along onto their next adventure. Cliff-hangers in television are good, and Heroes has had some corkers, but when it contributes nothing to the plot or characters it feels like an unnecessary gimmick.

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Is it just us or have we seen an MTV show that's a carbon copy of two other MTV shows? You know, the ones where groups of people come together and do stupid stunts and inflict pain on each other?

MTV was the first mainstream broadcaster to base a TV show around grown men acting like idiots and causing havoc. People were probably doing it long before Jackass came along, but nonetheless it was a cult show and inspired thousands of youngsters to set themselves on fire and dress up as monkeys. Once the format became stale, how could they resell it to us? Easy, create a UK version where we got to see lots of naked men stapling their cocks to bits of wood and eating their own vomit. Sadly, Dirty Sanchez is running out of steam, so what did the geniuses at MTV UK do? Launch the exact same show, but with an all star female cast - Rad Girls. Who says TV is dumbing down? 

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Do not buy this DVD if you do not like Jimmy Carr.

That is the swiftest way we can get you away from here and back to rearranging your underwear draw. Of course, such a statement raises two serious concerns: why would anyone who does not like Jimmy Carr want to buy his new stand-up DVD in the first place, and does anyone even bother with an underwear draw these days, let alone rearrange it?

(Re. the first question: Jimmy Carr: Comedian could be gift or a promotional freebie. You might have inadvertently shoplifted the thing by accident.)

So, what you really want to know is will you, the consummate Jimmy Carr hater, the guy who moans every time he appears on some panel show - every time you ever turn on the TV - does a cameo in Two-Point Four Weddings And A Bit Part For Martin Freeman or gets interviewed in a Sunday supplement, will you change your mind about this suited, booted shoulderless man and his sardonic, blisteringly fast wordplay wit just on the basis of seeing this DVD alone? Nope.

(To the second question: try arranging your pants in order of tone and the socks into categories, say dress and sports. If you are a girl and wear girly things, consult a publication with Jennifer Lopez or Anne Hathaway on the cover.)

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In 1967 a television programme hit our screens that would change the face of the medium forever. That programme was not Camp Runamuck, The Girl from Uncle (sic) or even Dad’s Army; it was The Prisoner – now celebrating its 40th anniversary with a definite DVD box set.

A spy/sci-fi/fantasy allegory to end them all, The Prisoner is the story of Number Six (the irreplaceable Patrick McGoohan), an unnamed man who resigns from a high-level government position, is drugged in his London home and promptly awakes in The Village. Unable to escape from this strange community - a kind of fascist utopia guarded by a giant bubble called ‘Rover’ (Wisteria Lane with less baking) - he battles his aggressors for cerebral supremacy. They want to know why he resigned. He wants to know where he is, who they are, and, most important of all, who is Number One.

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Now that one reality TV show has finished, you would have thought that Channel 4 would want to put together some thought-provoking and intelligent television. Throughout Big Brother's endless run, everything broadcast on E4 and C4 was non-stop squeals over the colour pink and arguments over cleaning.                       

Was Big Brother brain-taxing TV? Definitely not. So what could replace it? What about a hard-hitting documentary on high-level corruption, a special report on gun violence and the rise of stabbing incidents across the country or even a decent film for folk like us who are to lazy to rent them? Of course not, it's more reality TV-based frolics! Instead of trapping people together in a house for months, they’ll do it on a landfill site near London for three weeks. And that's Dumped. It does sound like the idea came from the mind of a mentally challenged teenager, but believe it or not, the next three weeks eleven absolute fucking morons volunteers will live off what we throw away.

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Last night we had the chance to watch not one, but two television shows devoted to pointless people thrust into the media spotlight. Channel 4 had its never-ending dose of Big Brother, where we could watch housemates bickering like children over shaving foam and arguing about who should be a clown.  

On ITV we were given supposed unprecedented access to Victoria Beckham. You know, the one who is crap at singing and pointed a lot during her time in the Spice Girls. Well, her much more respected husband and sole provider had decided to bugger off to LA to make himself look better by easily sidestepping and nutmegging crap American footballers. So for a whole hour we got to see the 100mph lifestyle of Victoria Beckham. Pace yourselves now. 

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From the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins. From the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins. From the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins. Not quite sure if anyone got that. Did you know that from the makers of Shameless comes new British drama, Skins?

We realised this in the months leading up to Skins' launch on E4 back in January. Literally every time you put E4 on, this information was slapped at your face. So after its advertising hype, was Skins actually worth watching? After the first episode, we thought Skins was ridiculous and were tempted to write a scathing post warning you away. But in a rare moment of sympathy we thought that maybe judging something after one episode was a bit harsh. So we endured the entire series and, now its finished, have come up with the following conclusion - Skins is nothing more then trendy-looking shit staged in an unrealistically perfect world where the most unlikely of events happen to the most improbable bunch of kids. 

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British TV is entering that solace phase, where it sheds off old shows and wraps itself up in an extra thick layer of winter goggle-candy. Big Brother ends, Top Gear starts. Channel 4 pulls on its thermals in the shape of Skins, ITV gets ready to cover us in goosebumps with Supernatural and the BBC, well, it ploughs on with Casualty and the like.

We're pretty much non-plussed by the lot. Apart from a slight tear shed at Dirk ‘Starbuck’ Benedict missing out on his rightful second coming in the hearts of the UK public, British TV is offering nothing as sexy and as bloody brilliant as the US is. 

Once again it’s down to 24 – the show that continues to rewrite rule books – to show us how exciting and gosh-darn thrilling a simple 45 minutes can be.

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We don't know about you, but we love it when a reality TV contestant - who everyone has known would win since the first day - turns his winning interview into an incomprehensible rant about heaven and hell and spirals and stuff.

That's the case with Pete Bennett, the 24-year-old Tourette's sufferer who briefly turned "Meow! Wankers!" into this year's "Wazzzzup" - Pete won Big Brother 7 on Friday night. And now that Big Brother is over, all we have to look forward to are the petrified faces of Richard and Judy as they try to guide Pete through a swearless interview on live TV.

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Last night, after weeks and weeks of varied and challenging Apprentice tasks - like selling fruit, selling cars, selling flats, selling pizzas and selling clothes - Michelle Dewberry became the latest of Sir Alan Sugar's Apprentice.

Quite what job Michelle Dewberry will be given by Alan Sugar after winning The Apprentice is unclear, but let's hope for her sake that she isn't put in charge of flogging those shitty-looking animatronic Alan Sugar Big Mouth Billy Bass rip-off heads that Alan Sugar keeps punting around like a grubby market trader. (more…)

The final two candidates in The Apprentice are Michelle Dewberry and Ruth Badger. Or - for those of you who have just dipped in and out of the show - the giant scary girl, and the one with the low-cut tops that cries a lot.

The best-performing candidate in the Apprentice tasks up until now, Paul, was sent packing by Sir Alan Sugar. The nice guy Ansell also followed him out the door as the women took over the final. (more…)

Channel Four is a wonderful thing ain’t it? It’s taken nigh on 20 years for it to work out that ‘watching through fingers’ TV pulls the eyeballs in.

The had Minipops, a Glitterfest for kiddiewinks to schlink around singing Iko Iko or whatever. Now, with the dubious successes of You Are What You Eat and You! Your Boyfriend Didn’t Tell You He Was Working For The Taliban (possibly) they’ve got a new breed of wrongramme.

Welcome stage right, It’s Me Or The Dog.

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