Kids, eh? Snotty-nosed little bastards, one and all. If there’s one thing that really annoys hecklerspray, it’s the constant veneration of ‘the child’ in our culture. ‘Children are our future!!!’ scream the sanctimonious masses, as though this gives them carte blanche to let their grubby offspring natter away in cinemas and run around in restaurants. [...]

There are four certainties in life – birth, death, taxes, and reality television shows. The latest, and best publicised, is ITV’s ‘Hell’s Kitchen’. What happens – if you don’t already know – is that two chefs train a bunch of morons to cook restaurant-standard food for people who were famous when your parents were young. [...]

Picture the scene: imagine you’re a chav. An absolute, grade-A specimen of a chav at that; a sovereign-wearing, Daily Star-reading, barely literate idiot scally of colossal proportions. Now imagine that it’s Saturday night and, for some reason – maybe you had some debilitating accident while trying to shoplift a twenty-four crate of Stella – you’ve [...]