TV Reviews / Previews

Love tunnel, fanny, pleasure hole, hairy pie: these are all names for the female-only body part known as the vagina.

Now, we’re all aware that some ladies like to sculpt their tits into enormous coconuts for the delight of perverts everywhere. We can accept that. Sometimes we may even like that. Though mostly it does just look a bit silly. Sadly, Sunday night’s TV show - The Perfect Vagina - sunk to a new low on how desperate people are to tweak and mould their bodies.

Plus it had Lisa Rogers on it, which is never a good sign.

Read the rest of this entry »

It's difficult to imagine what sort of corporate environment Heather Mills would flourish within - Widely Despised Monoped GoldDiggers Inc, perhaps, or Beatle Fleecers PLC.

That hasn't stopped suspiciously-haired zillionaire Donald Trump from name-dropping Ms. Mills in relation to the new series of US show The Celebrity Apprentice, however.

After the last batch of episodes featured such luminaries as Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons and that bloke who was shot on a boat in The Sopranos, Trump has confirmed that several wannabes have been angling for a slot in the new run… and that the ex-Ms. McCartney was among them.

Read the rest of this entry »

Isn't it weird, one minute you want her out - the next you want her back? Suddenly, without Alex, everyone is getting on. Rubbish!
 
At 12.40 this morning, everyone bar Mr & Mrs Boring Old Fart, were sitting at the kitchen table talking about their families.

They were playing a guess-the-amount-of-siblings game, which made paint drying an interesting prospect.

And Mohamed's insistence on recreating the Family Fortunes wrong-answer buzzer was as annoying as Teletubby Kat's constant mystified look.
 
Then they ramped the game up. "Where do we all live," someone piped up. And it turns out Mikey lives live 30 miles from Glasgow, while Rachel is from somewhere in Wales.

Read the rest of this entry »

Relax, the vile Alex has left the building. She’s gone and better off forgotten, to be honest.

She had been favourite with Paddy Power to go first this Friday, but now there will be no vote eviction at all. But there is a downside to that…

Alex being hauled out for being continually offensive to her fellow housemates means the fake Italian slimeball Mario (really called Shaun) looks safe for another week.

But, hang on, there is hope. Paddy Power are offering odds of 5/4 that Mario is the next to go. And that’s a day I really can’t wait for.

Read the rest of this entry »

Paddy Power think Mario (4-9) will be the first to get kicked out of the big Brother house this Friday.

But his annoying girlfriend Lisa could be worth a bet to be the first one to be evicted from the Big Brother house at odds of 18-1.

Her Nine-And-A-Half Weeks performance with her chunky monkey boyfriend in the diary room sealed it for me. I felt quite sick watching her shove those strawberries into his big fat gob. She covered him in cream and chocolate, but not herself in glory.

Read the rest of this entry »

Many depressing things have emerged from the world’s fascination with reality TV - the career of Jade Goody and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s sense of humour rank high among them - but one of the more unexpectedly sad side effects is belief.

Thanks to shows like X Factor, everyone and their dog (honestly, watch Britain’s Got Talent) believe they have what it takes to become the next pop icon/ business tycoon/ celebrity farmer that the world has been waiting for, but the fact is that many of us just aren’t all that good at stuff.

Britain’s Next Top Model is, as it says on the tin, searching high and low in this fair land to unearth the next supermodel, and if there’s one thing that you absolutely have to have here, it’s belief.

Read the rest of this entry »

Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF‘ (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit.

This is no doubt something to do with hecklerspray’s article last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

“There were less than 40 people there.”

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazis were? They’ve certainly got more power.

Read the rest of this entry »

In each year's Eurovision Song Contest, there's always one bland-looking middle-aged man singing a hopelessly generic, instantly forgettable disco tune with '16th place' written all over it.

And this year it's us.

Andy Abraham, an X Factor runner-up from 2005, won Eurovision: Your Decision on Saturday night, which means he'll be representing us at the Eurovision Song Contest in May with his song Even If. And that would be fine, except that a) everyone involved in the show obviously wanted Michelle Gayle to win, and b) Andy Abraham's song is a big sack of donkey bollocks. Honestly, not a single homosexual blowjob joke. Who do these people think we are?

Read the rest of this entry »

The Osbournes hosted the Brit awards last night, so the show promised to be jam-packed with enough controversy to turn your granny blue.

Is that what happened, though? No - thanks to the Brits' stringent 'don't let Ozzy Osbourne say more than three words in a row' policy, the only vaguely controversial thing the Osbournes brought to the Brit awards was the way that Sharon Osbourne's face looked as if it had been attacked by jellyfish in her sleep.

Oh, and Leona Lewis didn't win any of the four Brit awards she was nominated for. That's sort of controversial, isn't it? Anyone?

Read the rest of this entry »

Season 4 of the brilliant legal drama Boston Legal is now airing on UK LIVING (10pm Thursdays), and the latest series proves that it’s probably the hottest show on television!

Revolving around the idiosyncrasies of a group of tough attorneys in a top law firm, this quirky show may be similar in tone to the surreal high-jinks of the similarly themed 90s series Ally McBeal (which is not hard considering that they both share the same gifted writer) but is far more smoother, inventively hilarious and unpretentious than that show ever was.  

Read the rest of this entry »

“I don't know what's sicker, animals having sex or you clapping.”

Only Lily Allen and her friends at the BBC could command such an exclamation from Cuba Gooding Jr. Her tasteless attempt at a new chat show can be best described as Heat magazine crossbred with a little Graham Norton-esque audience participation. It was actually painful to sit through Allen’s new vehicle, paper-cut painful.

The interaction with her audience seemed to be nothing more than a passing sentiment. A number of awkward exchanges with the Romford-fashion crowd ensued. Those lucky enough to have been picked out were rewarded with a place at the TFI Friday-style bar to be seldom seen again. The purpose of the bar escapes us, though it probably escapes the producers beyond its function as a holding pen for the banal.

Read the rest of this entry »

You might have forgotten that it even existed, but Big Brother Celebrity Hijack reached its dramatic conclusion last night. Well, its conclusion.

And, if you're into that sort of thing, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finale threw up all kinds of surprises - not least that John Loughton, the overweight oversensitive perennial outsider ginger politician, beat the odds voted as the show's winner. But last night's Big Brother Celebrity Hijack had an even bigger surprise in store.

Emilia came second. And she was rubbish.

Read the rest of this entry »