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OJ Simpson’s Mental Murder Fantasy Book & Interview Axed

by Stuart Heritage

It was the question that the whole world wanted to see OJ Simpson answer – even though he didn’t kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, how would OJ Simpson have gruesomely murdered them differently if he was given the chance?

Well, it’s a question that you’re never going to find the answer to, because the forthcoming book and TV interview entitled OJ Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened has been cancelled by Fox after it received just about as many public complaints as you’d expect a critique of two murders by the man who was found to be liable for them to get. In fact the pressure on Fox to ditch OJ Simpson’s weird murder fantasies was so great that Rupert Murdoch himself apologised to the whole world for planning to publish and broadcast them in the first place, leaving OJ Simpson ready to launch his slightly less offensive plan B – a recipe book and TV cookery show entitled If I Baked A Selection Of Delicious Scones, Here’s How It Happened.

It was the question that the whole world wanted to see OJ Simpson answer - even though he didn't kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, how would OJ Simpson have gruesomely murdered them differently if he was given the chance? Well, it's a question that you're never going to find the answer to, because the forthcoming book and TV interview entitled OJ Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened has been cancelled by Fox after it received just about as many public complaints as you'd expect a critique of two murders by the man who was found to be liable for them to get. In fact the pressure on Fox to ditch OJ Simpson's weird murder fantasies was so great that Rupert Murdoch himself apologised to the whole world for planning to publish and broadcast them in the first place, leaving OJ Simpson ready to launch his slightly less offensive plan B - a recipe book and TV cookery show entitled If I Baked A Selection Of Delicious Scones, Here's How It Happened.
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Heather Mills Apparently Not A Gold-Digger, Says Heather Mills

by Stuart Heritage

Heather Mills is either a helpless disabled abused wife with an evil, controlling, drug-addled millionaire husband or a bit of an annoying monoped gold-digger, and which one you agree with probably depends on whether you’re Heather Mills or not.

Most of the public, you see, appears to have sided against Heather Mills ever since she and Paul McCartney split up, and Heather Mills isn’t especially happy about that. That’s why Heather Mills has granted an interview with Extra in America where, instead of doing what most people hoped and dishing out another bunch of lurid divorce claims like the one about Paul McCartney getting all medieval on her with a piece of glasswear, Heather Mills disappointing spends the interview carping on about what a nice person she is and how people love her so much that she’s often hugged by strangers on the street. Seriously.

Heather Mills is either a helpless disabled abused wife with an evil, controlling, drug-addled millionaire husband or a bit of an annoying monoped gold-digger, and which one you agree with probably depends on whether you're Heather Mills or not. Most of the public, you see, appears to have sided against Heather Mills ever since she and Paul McCartney split up, and Heather Mills isn't especially happy about that. That's why Heather Mills has granted an interview with Extra in America where, instead of doing what most people hoped and dishing out another bunch of lurid divorce claims like the one about Paul McCartney getting all medieval on her with a piece of glasswear, Heather Mills disappointing spends the interview carping on about what a nice person she is and how people love her so much that she's often hugged by strangers on the street. Seriously.
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Russell Brand Thankfully Axed From MTV

by C J Davies

Imagine, right, that you toddled on down to your local WHSmiths. Then imagine that you grabbed hold of every magazine and scribbled out every single word, replacing it instead with the word ‘unfunny’. Then imagine that you stood there and read the whole caboodle out loud, in a deeply monotonous and unfunny voice.

This would still not be as unfunny as Russell Brand.

The screeching and hopelessly ubiquitous chancer (why do people like him exactly? Oh, that’s right – they’re idiots) has, however, at least had his gurning mug removed from one channel at least. MTV – in a rare show of intelligence – has decided to axe Russy-boy’s ‘entertainment showcase’ 1 Leicester Square.

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OJ Simpson To Describe How He’d Murder People On TV

by Stuart Heritage

Imagine for a second that you’re a celebrity who’d stood trial for the murder of your ex-wife and her friend. Now, instead of quietly trying to get on with your life, what’s the single most guff-headed thing you could possibly do?

Chances are you’re currently thinking “Well hecklerspray, I’d imagine the single most guff-headed thing to do in the wake of my murder trial would be to write a book about how the murders would have been different if I’d have carried them out.” And you’d be correct, only OJ Simpson has beaten you to it – the massively ill-advised book If I Did It, where OJ Simpson precisely details exactly how he’d have murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldsmith it if was him that got to do it, will be published in a couple of weeks. And, just for the Americans that can’t read, OJ Simpson is going to go over the bones of the book in a televised interview with Fox later on this month.

Imagine for a second that you're a celebrity who'd stood trial for the murder of your ex-wife and her friend. Now, instead of quietly trying to get on with your life, what's the single most guff-headed thing you could possibly do? Chances are you're currently thinking "Well hecklerspray, I'd imagine the single most guff-headed thing to do in the wake of my murder trial would be to write a book about how the murders would have been different if I'd have carried them out." And you'd be correct, only OJ Simpson has beaten you to it - the massively ill-advised book If I Did It, where OJ Simpson precisely details exactly how he'd have murdered his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldsmith it if was him that got to do it, will be published in a couple of weeks. And, just for the Americans that can't read, OJ Simpson is going to go over the bones of the book in a televised interview with Fox later on this month.
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Non-Gay, Non-Fighty Grey’s Anatomy Star Gets Engaged

by Stuart Heritage

Whoo – that Grey’s Anatomy set is such a whirlpool of excitement that sometimes it’s hard to keep up. After all the fighting and coming out from Grey’s Anatomy stars recently, it must’ve been hard for the other stars to top it.

But that’s what Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo has gone and done. After the screaming adrenaline rush double-header of two Grey’s Anatomy stars having a bit of a girly shoving match and then another one announcing to the world that he’s gay, Ellen Pompeo has done the unthinkable and… got engaged. To a bloke she’s been going out with for three years. And a wedding date hasn’t been set yet. Oh.

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Des O’Connor Gets Official Countdown Vorderman-Perving Job

by Stuart Heritage

We think the Countdown presenting chair might be cursed – Countdown, the letters and numbers gameshow of choice for lazy arseholes everywhere, is about to get its third presenter in 18 months, in the form of grinning elderly satsuma Des O’Connor.

Des O’Connor will start filming Countdown at the start of next year, but he needs to be careful he doesn’t go the same way as all the other Countdown presenters; like Des Lynam, who decided that getting to see Carol Vorderman dressed in clothes that she’d seemingly mugged off a teenager for wasn’t really worth the drive from Sussex to Leeds, and Richard Whiteley, who somehow died after presenting Countdown for 23 years. Countdown producers are hoping that Des O’Connor will be a genuine long-term replacement for Whiteley. Des O’Connor is 74 years old. With all the will in the world, we think we can see a flaw in their plan.

We think the Countdown presenting chair might be cursed - Countdown, the letters and numbers gameshow of choice for lazy arseholes everywhere, is about to get its third presenter in 18 months, in the form of grinning elderly satsuma Des O'Connor. Des O'Connor will start filming Countdown at the start of next year, but he needs to be careful he doesn't go the same way as all the other Countdown presenters; like Des Lynam, who decided that getting to see Carol Vorderman dressed in clothes that she'd seemingly mugged off a teenager for wasn't really worth the drive from Sussex to Leeds, and Richard Whiteley, who somehow died after presenting Countdown for 23 years. Countdown producers are hoping that Des O'Connor will be a genuine long-term replacement for Whiteley. Des O'Connor is 74 years old. With all the will in the world, we think we can see a flaw in their plan.
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Ms Dynamite In 100mph Rubbish TV Show Car Crash

by Stuart Heritage

Ms Dynamite – the woman who won a Mercury Prize for her first album and then swiftly became even less famous than the tramp who dresses like The Pope in Canterbury sometimes – is in hospital after crashing her car at 100mph for a TV show.

Yesterday saw the final of Sky One’s The Race, the show where a bunch of nano-celebrities get to drive all manner of cars at ridiculously dangerous speeds. The final of The Race involved some people who you might half-recognise at best bombing round Silverstone in Formula Ford cars. Inevitably, though, the race ended in near tragedy as Ms Dynamite was involved in a 100mph crash with the bloke from AC/DC and is now in hospital.

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NBC Gives Studio 60 Full Smug Series

by Stuart Heritage

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip hasn’t been doing as well as people expected. Weird, because we thought everybody loved shows where people are constantly being stopped in corridors to have interminable conversations about how important television is.

However, just because hardly anyone is watching Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip doesn’t mean that NBC hates it – even though for a while it looked as if it’d be an expensive and high-profile failure, the network has ordered nine more episodes of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, which bumps it up to genuine full-season status. Matthew Perry from Friends is in Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, so the prospect of anything starring a former cast-member of Friends not being a total abject failure has left us more bewildered and vulnerable than words can say.

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip hasn't been doing as well as people expected. Weird, because we thought everybody loved shows where people are constantly being stopped in corridors to have interminable conversations about how important television is. However, just because hardly anyone is watching Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip doesn't mean that NBC hates it - even though for a while it looked as if it'd be an expensive and high-profile failure, the network has ordered nine more episodes of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, which bumps it up to genuine full-season status. Matthew Perry from Friends is in Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, so the prospect of anything starring a former cast-member of Friends not being a total abject failure has left us more bewildered and vulnerable than words can say.
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Michael Jackson To Wheeze Through Thriller Next Week

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a while since you’ve heard Michael Jackson perform any music in public, apart from after he’s been on the Jesus Juice a bit and hits the Irish karaoke bars to sing Chas & Dave tunes, or something. Possibly.

But Michael Jackson is serious about become a proper popstar again, and not just a crazy old hasbeen popstar who occasionally gets accused of molesting children. In fact, Michael Jackson is so determined to become the King Of Pop of old that he’s preparing to show the world exactly what he was capable of in his prime – that’s why at his appearance at the World Music Awards in London next week, Michael Jackson is going to treat the global audience of one billion to a rare performance. Not just any old performance, but Michael Jackson will sing Thriller, one of his most famous hits. Plus, now he’s old and weird-looking, Michael Jackson won’t need any of that spooky make-up.

Oh come on, like you didn’t see that one coming.

It's been a while since you've heard Michael Jackson perform any music in public, apart from after he's been on the Jesus Juice a bit and hits the Irish karaoke bars to sing Chas & Dave tunes, or something. Possibly. But Michael Jackson is serious about become a proper popstar again, and not just a crazy old hasbeen popstar who occasionally gets accused of molesting children. In fact, Michael Jackson is so determined to become the King Of Pop of old that he's preparing to show the world exactly what he was capable of in his prime - that's why at his appearance at the World Music Awards in London next week, Michael Jackson is going to treat the global audience of one billion to a rare performance. Not just any old performance, but Michael Jackson will sing Thriller, one of his most famous hits. Plus, now he's old and weird-looking, Michael Jackson won't need any of that spooky make-up. Oh come on, like you didn't see that one coming.
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Johnny Depp Gets A Bunch Of People’s Choice Nominations

by Stuart Heritage

The People’s Choice Awards are that rarest of awards ceremonies, where the public comes together as one to make the hardest decisions of their lives, like which celebrity has got the nicest hair and if Deal Or No Deal is better than American Idol.

The first round of People’s Choice Award nominations for next year’s awards took place yesterday, and they sure didn’t disappoint fans of lowest common denominator entertainment everywhere. Specifically the People’s Choice nominations also didn’t disappoint Johnny Depp, who is up for People’s Choice Awards for Best Movie Star, Male Action Star and On-Screen Match-Up. It’s thought that The People’s Choice Awards 2007 will belong to Johnny Depp, who will no doubt count winning an award for dressing up as a pirate and running around in a big wheel as the crowning achievement of his 20-year dedication to art-house cinema.

The People's Choice Awards are that rarest of awards ceremonies, where the public comes together as one to make the hardest decisions of their lives, like which celebrity has got the nicest hair and if Deal Or No Deal is better than American Idol. The first round of People's Choice Award nominations for next year's awards took place yesterday, and they sure didn't disappoint fans of lowest common denominator entertainment everywhere. Specifically the People's Choice nominations also didn't disappoint Johnny Depp, who is up for People's Choice Awards for Best Movie Star, Male Action Star and On-Screen Match-Up. It's thought that The People's Choice Awards 2007 will belong to Johnny Depp, who will no doubt count winning an award for dressing up as a pirate and running around in a big wheel as the crowning achievement of his 20-year dedication to art-house cinema.
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