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TV News

Soap Spoilers! Truck Stealing! Perfume Spraying At Gays! Surprise Children!

by Joanna Bolouri

hecklerspray went into mourning last week when we discovered that David Essex had left Eastenders.  There was drinking, swearing, Michael Park wrote some terrible poetry and Mof Gimmers sang ‘Hold Me Close’  while crying over a really old copy of Smash Hits.  It wasn’t pretty. We couldn’t even mention the word ‘Soaps’ without one of [...]

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Lady GaGa Biopic In The Works, Despite Her Only Being Famous For 30 Seconds

by Mof Gimmers

Lady GaGa is a woman obsessed by fame. She loves it. She likes the idea, the smell, the taste and the lumpy feel of it. She would wouldn’t she? She hasn’t been famous long enough to become jaded by the idea. It’s all one big, vague art project to her. And despite the fact she’s [...]

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Soap Spoilers! Divorce! Kissing! Bare Chests!

by Joanna Bolouri

Gosh, can you believe it’s been a whole week since we last vomited Soap news into your laps?  Well it has. Deal with it. We’re glad you didn’t bother washing those trousers as here it comes again you miserable lot! In Eastenders this week Masood tells Zainab he wants a divorce because that’s what you do when your wife [...]

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Katie Holmes: Slag Pumpkin

by Mof Gimmers

How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one? No? How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it [...]

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William Shatner Really, Really Hates Star Wars

by Mof Gimmers

William Shatner – or, The Shat, as we like to call him -  is a fine, fine man. We say ‘fine’. We actually mean ‘like watching an endless loop of terrible car wrecks, limbs flying through the air’. Right? Right. The Shat is prone to opening his mouth and not thinking too much about what [...]

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TOWIE’s Jess Wright Is Going To Get All Sexy While You Shudder To Your Very Core

by Michael Park

Apparently, ITV’s surprise smash hit The Only Way is Essex is coming back for a third series on Monday and, in a desperate attempt to remind us why we gave a crap in the first place, they’ve been carting the stars out in front of the press. The excitement is almost too much for us to [...]

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Cher Lloyd Wishes Tulisa Had Mentored Her Instead Of Cheryl Cole Who She Hates

by Matthew Laidlow

The hype that surrounds X Factor 2011 is starting to finally quieten down. Unless you live Stateside, in which case, we apologise. We’ve endured the taunts and teases about which judges would step in for Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole, Kylie Minogue’s sister. Louis Walsh’s alleged nightclub incident could’ve seen him judging from the cells. The [...]

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Americans Are Stupid And Their Love Of Two And A Half Men Only Proves It

by Mof Gimmers

America. Bless you for the insanely good things you’ve given the world. Muscle cars, hamburger joints, rock ‘n’ roll and television will always be your crowning glory and us Limeys will forever be in your debt. However, your taste in television shows is awful. From a country (nay, virtual continent) that gave us Taxi, The [...]

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BBC To Sue Italians For Making Obviously Superior Porn Version Of Strictly Come Dancing

by Mof Gimmers

Have you ever watched Strictly Come Dancing? It’s a terrible programme that actually encourages witless celebrities to cavort around a dancefloor with all the guile and grace of a mule being dragged down three flights of stairs by a Mini Metro. Not only that, it’s the show that willingly shoves Bruce Forsyth out, bewildered and [...]

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Soap Spoilers! Sex! Marriage! Golf Memberships!

by Joanna Bolouri

We know that some all of our readers are unhinged enough to believe that the Land of Soaps is actually a real place, filled with real people who face real problems every day and as we’re really quite mischievous we’ll play along with this batshitcrazy idea. Besides, we’ve got nothing else to do since Sophie Hall put [...]

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