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TV News

Rosie O’Donnell Not Getting That MSNBC Show After All

by Stuart Heritage

And so Larry King lives to barely breathe another day – negotiations over the proposed daily hour-long Rosie O’Donnell prime-time MSNBC show have broken down, Rosie O’Donnell has revealed.

According to a post on her blog, Rosie O’Donnell’s hopes of scoring a daily serious-minded TV show on MSNBC were over the moment she started yammering on about it to a crowd of people in Miami, and now MSNBC has pulled out of talks. While Rosie O’Donnell can cheerily put the failed MSNBC deal on the ever-growing pile of TV work she didn’t manage to get, it still leaves MSNBC with a gaping hole at 9pm that it desperately needs to fill. Maybe producers were looking for a host who was a little less polarising than Rosie O’Donnell – like Joe Pasquale, maybe, or Dog The Bounty Hunter.

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Rosie O’Donnell Back On TV! Possibly!

by Stuart Heritage

Like us, you’ve probably turned on the TV over the last few months and been frustrated at the lack of hulking angry red-faced lesbians spluttering and gasping any time anyone says something they even slightly disagree with.

If that’s the case, well, we don’t want you to get too excited here, but it looks like Rosie O’Donnell is going to be given her own show on MSNBC. It’s early days yet, but rumour has it that Rosie O’Donnell is in negotiations to bounce back after her high-profile resignation from The View with a daily prime-time TV show where she’ll be in direct competition with Larry King. Nothing’s been confirmed yet, but it’s thought that Rosie O’Donnell has already drawn up a shortlist of potential titles for her show, including I Hate Everything, Outta My Way Assholes and Has Anyone Else Noticed That Elisabeth Hasselbeck Doesn’t Have Her Own Show? She Doesn’t, I Checked.

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BBC Sorry For Inexplicable Racism

by C J Davies

It’s been a scandalous old year for broadcast media, hasn’t it?

There was the huge phone-in competition furore, which suggested to shocking effect that – gasp – people in television may not tell the truth on a regular basis, and that the rigid integrity of naming a Blue Peter cat or trying to win a pikey holiday on GMTV may be called into question.

Bigger than that, though, was the Celebrity Big Brother racism row, during which Volkswagen-with-lipstick Jade Goody got into all sorts of trouble because of her constant hassling of fellow contestant Shilpa Shetty. Mind you, it’s not as if such ignorant views seemed particularly surprising when they spewed out of Jade’s mouth – she is, after all, a cretin of almost biblical proportions whose sole brain cell is mostly occupied by deciding which brand of lard to inject next.

It’s not as if some nice, middle-class, well-educated BBC presenter was spouting such drivel.

Until now.

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Heather Mills Just Like Diana, Shrieks Heather Mills On GMTV

by Stuart Heritage

Thanks to Ellen DeGeneres, full-scale wild-eyed boogaloo angry sobbing televised breakdowns are all the go, and that’s why nobody really doubted that Heather Mills would try her hand at one before long.

But nobody could have expected that Heather Mills’ red-faced tantrum would have been so berserk. However, on GMTV this morning Heather Mills had one of the most spectacular televised breakdowns in all of history than included Heather Mills screaming comparisons between herself, Princess Diana and Kate McCann, conducting direct-to-camera threats to all journalists everywhere, claiming that people are trying to kill her, claiming that she wants to kill herself and demanding that the European courts immediately change the laws so that newspapers are only allowed to say what a wonderful person Heather Mills is.

It’s a cracker, promise.

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EastEnders Gets Byankker Back

by Stuart Heritage

Since leaving EastEnders in 1999, Patsy Palmer has become one of the most famous human beings on Earth thanks to her red-raw, groundbreaking performances in Patsy Palmer’s Ibiza Workout and that reality TV show about sad dogs.

But even though Patsy Palmer’s workout DVD/ dog show-based career has seen her get deified by all of the world’s religious leaders and effectively bring an end to the Middle East crisis by herself with an innovative mixture of three-legged dogs and full-arm squat-thrusts to copyright-free dance music, Patsy Palmer has decided to return to her roots with an announcement that she’ll become an EastEnders cast-member again early next year.

Oh, you know, Patsy Palmer. The ginger one. Played Bianca. Shouted a lot. Google her or something.

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Someone Else From Lost Arrested For Boozy Driving

by Stuart Heritage

In these times of constant doubt, people need their fragments of certainty to cling onto for support like never before, so thank heavens that a Lost cast-member is always on hand to drive around like a spazzy nitwit during filming each year.

This time, the lucky member of the Lost cast to be arrested for drink driving was Daniel Dae Kim, the Korean-born actor who plays Jin-Soo Kwon in the increasingly bewildering island drama. According to reports, Daniel Dae Kim was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving in Honolulu early yesterday morning, taken into custody and released after posting bail – the latest in a long line of Lost stars to have been caught allegedly driving around Hawaii like a pissed-up goon. In fact, by our estimations, Daniel Dae Kim’s DUI arrest means that the only Lost cast-members not to have been arrested on similar charges so far are Walt, the man with the eye-patch and the nondescript creepy accent and four of the bees from episode six.

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Ellen DeGeneres Wishes More People Would Sob Like Her

by Stuart Heritage

After she broke down and wept on her TV show because a dog she didn’t want to own was taken back into care, Ellen DeGeneres promised the world she’d never mention it ever again – a promise that must have lasted a good couple of days.

Returning to host her daytime TV show after the dog-based emotional trauma caused her to take a long weekend, Ellen DeGeneres yesterday revealed to anyone who cares that people should still keep adopting cats and dogs from pet adoption agencies despite her travails with them, but only so long as they learn from her mistakes and do a better job of secretly getting rid of the animals when they decide they don’t want them any more. Ellen DeGeneres also defended her sobbing tantrum on the show, saying that she wished more people would openly cry – just like she does, like her hairdresser does and like Ellen’s vet has done uncontrollably ever since she forced him to sleep with a recently-neutered dog that one time.

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Marie Osmond’s Collapse Blamed On Allergy To Air

by Stuart Heritage

Now that her Dancing With The Stars collapse has made her the world’s most famous fainter since the invention of the myotonic goat, Marie Osmond must now deal with all the new-found popularity that goes with it.

You know the sort of thing – Marie Osmond will be invited to open department stores so long as she promises to collapse right before she cuts the ribbon, or star in TV adverts for fruit-based preserves that ask her to slump to the floor midway through. And Marie Osmond is going to find that hard, because fainting isn’t just something she can do on demand – she’s saying that she only fainted this week on Dancing With The Stars because she’s allergic to the studio’s bad air quality. Presumably that means Dancing With The Stars head judge Len Goodman can expect a lawsuit soon, because he looks like the kind of man whose breath is made up of equal parts stale coffee, Bonjella and Werthers Originals, and that has to be a contributing factor somewhere down the line.

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Pitt & Jolie To Produce Humanitarian A-Team TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

When Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announce that they’re producing a TV show, you know it’ll be about either one of two things – some bone-dry humanitarian aid crisis or a couple of beautiful millionaires rolling around in a roomful of money.

And that’s why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly making their joint production debut with an HBO series focusing on a gang of humanitarian aid workers travelling to dangerous hotspots and helping those less fortunate, kind of like The A-Team, only it’ll obviously feature more scenes of teary-eyed UN workers nobly staring off into the middle distance in dusty locations questioning God’s cruelty. You might be wondering what sort of audience there’ll be for such an earnest, socially aware drama – even one produced by two megastars like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – but don’t forget that their show will be broadcast on HBO, so it’ll probably have some nipples in it. And who doesn’t love looking at nipples?

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Marie Osmond Collapses On Dancing With The Stars: Video

by Stuart Heritage

Len Goodman is the kindly old uncle of celebrity dance-based reality shows, always ready with a smile and a word of benign encouragement – unless he’s talking to Marie Osmond, in which case he’ll make her collapse with his evil mind-rays.

That’s more or less what happened yesterday when Marie Osmond suddenly dropped to the floor midway through Len Goodman’s dissection of her samba during the live broadcast of Dancing With The Stars. Although shocking enough to make the Dancing With The Stars host immediately cut to a commercial break, Marie Osmond’s collapse was nothing more than a harmless faint, which means you’re allowed to laugh at it completely guilt-free. If you missed seeing Marie Osmond fainting on Dancing With The Stars, chances are you’ll be able to catch a replay on the next episode of the hit cable TV show When Red-Faced Mormons Collapse. Alternatively you could just keep reading this, because we’ve got the Marie Osmond fainting video right here.

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