This is a crucial stage in the career of Daniel Radcliffe; if he rests on his laurels now he'll spend the rest of his life joylessly plodding around Harry Potter conventions for cash. But Daniel Radcliffe is lucky to have a bit of foresight.

Because Daniel Radcliffe, you see, is busy zapping around getting any scrap of work that he can to prove his non-Potter acting chops, even if those scraps involve getting naked and blinding a bunch of horses with metal spikes. And now Daniel Radcliffe has signed up for another role - that of Rudyard Kipling's soldier son who died in the First World War. Unfortunately for Radcliffe, Rudyard Kipling's son also happened to be a plucky boy wizard who went on several spooky adventures with his gang of jolly great mates. What are the chances, eh?

It's hard enough winning a televised talent show like American Idol when you have the outward appearance of a fully functioning cognitive human being - so imagine how tough it must be for Taylor Hicks.

Because prematurely old-looking, squawky, twitchy, tic-filled, staggering hand-clapper Taylor Hicks has even more on his hands than the usual 'one big single and then oblivion' American Idol career-path. Poor old Taylor Hicks has also been forced to sue an old producer of his who's trying to cash in on Taylor Hick's new-found fame by releasing a string of early Taylor Hicks recordings. Not because of the poor quality of the songs or anything, but because Taylor Hicks fans might keep getting the seemingly-random tuneless out-of-time yelping on those recordings mixed up with the last Taylor Hicks single.

We don't know about you, but our fashion sense is lousy. If only an alarmingly thin, constantly pouting simpleton with ridiculously inappropriate breast implants could push us in the right direction, we'd be sorted.

What's that? Victoria Beckham has just signed up to host an American TV show where she doles out fashion advice to people willy-nilly? Our prayers have been answered! Or at least they would be, if only we didn't have the nagging suspicion that Victoria Beckham's fashion advice is mostly limited to 'stop eating any food at all' and 'here, wear these enormous sunglasses, they'll make you look a right twat.'

Do you remember a couple of months ago when BBC News 24 made a balls-up of things and interviewed a confused man with a first language that clearly wasn't English about a lawsuit between Apple and The Beatles?

Do you remember how that clip was funny the first time you saw it, and then got progressively less and less funny as everyone you know emailed it to you with the message subject 'Har har look at dis funny black man'? And then do you remember seeing Paul Ross almost wetting himself while introducing it on This Morning and wishing that he'd set himself on fire and throw himself in the Thames, never to be seen again?

Yeah. So it's being turned into a film now.

Stargate SG-1, the sci-fi TV show you only really watched on rainy hungover Sunday afternoons when you were waiting for Scrapheap Challenge to come on, has been axed.

Sci Fi Channel in America has decided to not make any more bewilderingly similar Stargate SG-1 episodes after its 10th series has finished, no doubt sparking all kinds of spoddy fan fiction about Teal'c The Jaffa crushing puny science-fiction networks with his mighty Zat'nik'tel while Samantha Carter does a sexy naked dance in the background.

Now that The Sopranos is coming to an end, several of the cast will have to make plans about their future; they'll either wait for a Mickey Blue Eyes sequel to be made or return to their failed pop careers. Not James Gandolfini, though.

As Tony Soprano, James Gandolfini has become a figurehead for The Sopranos, HBO and that airline he does those adverts for. And HBO seems to want to keep James Gandolfini onboard - it's signed a three-year deal with him to make all kinds of stuff for the network, starting with a drama about a big fat man who doesn't get the acclaim he feels he deserves for making cash-in American Airlines commercials.

It's hard to watch Tom And Jerry cartoons with children these days. Not because Tom And Jerry relentlessly torture each other with knives, anvils and explosive devices, but because they sometimes smoke.

Luckily, one other Tom And Jerry viewer in the whole country agrees with us here. They complained to TV watchdog Ofcom about how inappropriate it was for children to see images of smoking in cartoons, and have been rewarded with the news that 1,700 cartoons are going to be edited for cartoon smoking. Of course, it's ludicrous to think that children will want to take up smoking after watching a Tom And Jerry cartoon - for instance, we've seen hundreds of Tom And Jerry cartoons and we've never smoked a cigarette. We've exploded more than 50 cats with sticks of dynamite, but we've never smoked a cigarette.

By Christ, television is awful isn't it? If it isn't subjecting you to wall-to-wall reality shows designed explicitly to turn your brain to ash, it's giving you documentaries called things like When Plastic Cutlery Attacks.

But dig deep enough and you'll find some television programmes that are worth watching. That's what the creative arts Emmy awards did at the weekend, when it prepared the world for next week's primetime Emmy awards by scouring television for the very best hidden gems that it has to offer before giving up and letting The Simpsons win for the ninth time.