TV News
Most people watch The Apprentice USA to see Donald Trump bellow at some hateful morons in a bad voiceover, but for us the fun comes from seeing the sheer contempt that Trump sidekick Carolyn Kepcher has for every other human she meets.
Sadly, though, we won't be seeing any more of Carolyn Kepcher on The Apprentice, because it's being reported that Donald Trump has just fired her for being a bit too starry. Well, anyone watching The Apprentice in Britain will still get to see Carolyn Kepcher on The Apprentice, so long as they can stay up until 2am watching whatever hopelessly out-of-date episode the BBC decide to show us. But you get the idea.
The MTV Video Music Awards used to be exciting and dangerous and fun. In contrast, this year's highlight was a slightly lame gatecrasher. No wonder people prefer to watch videos of exploding Coke bottles on YouTube instead.
During the usual glitzy dullness of the MTV VMA awards, a man named Six ran onto the stage and babbled something about MTV before trying to frighten Jennifer Lopez. And this was the only exciting thing to happen during the entire MTV VMA awards - James Blunt won a couple of MTV awards, for Christ's sake. James Blunt!
Just because we're English doesn't mean we're ignorant about American football. Years of playing John Madden games have taught us that it's all about picking a random squiggle and then getting pushed over by a big bloke.
OK, so we nothing about American football, except for one thing. Pink - the shouty singer responsible for Official Worst Song Ever Get The Party Started - has just been signed to sing the theme tune to NBC Sunday Night Football. However, any pressure that Pink may be feeling about spearheading a widely-watched sports programme like Sunday Night Football must be eased by the knowledge that whatever she does won't even come close to being as terrible as the cover of Heroes that Kasabian did for the ITV World Cup coverage this year.
Keeping a long-running TV show like Survivor fresh after 13 seasons is a tricky job, but Survivor producers seem to have it cracked - the new season of Survivor is all about the racial segregation.
Survivor's decision to use the new season to pit teams of black, Asian, Hispanic and Caucasian islanders against each other has caused all kinds of controversy; not necessarily a bad thing since controversy equals viewers and viewers equals cash - just so long as Survivor's sponsors don't freak out at the idea and drop the show like a hot turd. And, would you believe it, that's exactly what's just happened - General Motors has decided it wants nothing more to do with Survivor. Whoops.
Using a toilet break to slag someone off is something we've all done. Doing it during a speech by the President of the USA on the anniversary of an immense natural disaster is something less of us have done. And doing it on live TV... well, only Kyra Phillips has done that.
By now, there's a huge chance that you've seen a clip of George Bush's live speech to mark the first anniversary of the New Orleans flood being interrupted by CNN's Kyra Phillips, hiding away in the bathroom with her microphone still on, calling her sister-in-law a "control freak" and a group of other people "assholes". Now CNN has decided to apologise to its viewers and George Bush for the mistake, although the apology was not extended to Kyra Phillip's sister-in-law, who CNN agrees is kind of a bitch.
When you talk, do people listen? Have you ever conducted a simultaneous wedding for over 500 couples gathered together in some sort of sporting arena? Would you feel completely comfortable in a room with Martin Luther, Henry VIII, Mohammed and Joseph Smith?
If you answered yes all the way down - you're too late. Sorry about that. If you'd been a little quicker you could have got $5000 to start your own religion, and been temporarily famous documentary style. Yeah, you really missed out. One guy didn't though. One guy gets to start his own religion, and may soon have a community of poor people asking him for food on Sundays.
Now if you're anything like us, you'll want in on ground level - it's supposed to have more tax breaks, doncha know.
If there's one thing better than TV shows stretched out into terrible low-budget movies, it's big-budget movies squeezed into comparatively low-budget TV shows, like what's happening with The Terminator.
Long-mooted Terminator TV spinoff The Sarah Connors Chronicles has finally come to fruition, with the Fox network greenlighting the series and hoping that Terminator: The Sarah Connors Chronicles will recreate The Terminator's explosive action on a smaller scale, starting with the first episode, entitled Sarah Connors Scares Off A Cardboard Terminator With Some Scary Indoor Fireworks.
Some people have lives that demand to be heard about, don't they? Gandhi, Churchill, Noel Edmonds... all have had difficult, inspiring lives that people can learn from. Pete Out Of Big Brother, on the other hand, probably hasn't.
Not that it's stopped HarperCollins throwing a million quid at Pete Bennett, the winner of Big Brother, so
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