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Montel Williams Sorry For Wanting To Explode Teenagers

by Stuart Heritage

To have a successful TV talk show you tend to need a niche – Oprah has her self-help, Jerry Springer has his confrontations and Maury has his berserkoid ADD DNA tests – but none of them angrily blow up teenage girls.

That’s where Montel Williams steps in, though. Although Montel Williams has plenty of his own niches already – like being the only highly-decorated military talk show host, and the only occasionally-suicidal multiple sclerosis-suffering talk show host – he’s now also the only talk show host who, when asked interview questions he doesn’t like by teenage newspaper interns, screams “I’m a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up!” at them, before realising he’s made a bit of a fool out of himself and apologising, which he’s just done. But at least it’s a step up from Montel Williams’ other niche – being the talk show host who looks most like Ming The Merciless.

To have a successful TV talk show you tend to need a niche - Oprah has her self-help, Jerry Springer has his confrontations and Maury has his berserkoid ADD DNA tests - but none of them angrily blow up teenage girls. That's where Montel Williams steps in, though. Although Montel Williams has plenty of his own niches already - like being the only highly-decorated military talk show host, and the only occasionally-suicidal multiple sclerosis-suffering talk show host - he's now also the only talk show host who, when asked interview questions he doesn't like by teenage newspaper interns, screams "I'm a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up!" at them, before realising he's made a bit of a fool out of himself and apologising, which he's just done. But at least it's a step up from Montel Williams' other niche - being the talk show host who looks most like Ming The Merciless.
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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: John Barnes Gone, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Sooner or later the Strictly Come Dancing contestants are going to have to learn that anyone who throws an on-camera strop will get voted out – just like Dominic Littlewood and, on Saturday’s show, John Barnes.

John Barnes: brilliant when he’s asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing latin dance, but useless if he’s asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing ballroom dance. Everyone knows that. But that theory took a beating on Saturday, when John’s Samba to Sir Juke was all flabby and out of shape. Sure, he wiggled his hips around like he was trying to loosen up a colon-impacted turd, but nothing more. And as well as the technique being a bit out, John Barnes also made the routine look roughly as fun as regrouting a mid-sized bathroom. And then threw a wobbly when he got crap scores. No wonder he got eliminated.

But who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing if John Barnes isn’t? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, Letitia Dean and Kelly Brook, with help from Paddy Power…

Sooner or later the Strictly Come Dancing contestants are going to have to learn that anyone who throws an on-camera strop will get voted out - just like Dominic Littlewood and, on Saturday's show, John Barnes. John Barnes: brilliant when he's asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing latin dance, but useless if he's asked to do a Strictly Come Dancing ballroom dance. Everyone knows that. But that theory took a beating on Saturday, when John's Samba to Sir Juke was all flabby and out of shape. Sure, he wiggled his hips around like he was trying to loosen up a colon-impacted turd, but nothing more. And as well as the technique being a bit out, John Barnes also made the routine look roughly as fun as regrouting a mid-sized bathroom. And then threw a wobbly when he got crap scores. No wonder he got eliminated. But who's going to win Strictly Come Dancing if John Barnes isn't? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, Letitia Dean and Kelly Brook, with help from Paddy Power...
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Helio Wins Dancing But Loses Ex-Fiancee Vazquez

by Milo Zevon

Helio Castroneves, yesterday’s spangly winner on TV’s Dancing With The Stars, is today’s unlucky loser in love, following the news that he has been poleaxed by erstwhile fiancée Aliette Vazquez. The engagement was called off within a day of Castroneves’ dancefest glory. He was dumped after six years by Vazquez, who kept schtum so as not [...]

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Mel B Doesn’t Win That Dancing Show

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Mel B. She’s always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and that has to sting – especially when the bride is a South American bloke who drives cars for a living.

Actually that’s not strictly true – with her relationship history, Mel B has been the bride quite a lot actually – but as far as Dancing With The Stars goes, Mel B is definitely the bridesmaid. Last night saw the final of this year’s Dancing With The Stars, and long-time favourite Mel B was just pipped to the post by Brazilian racing driver Helio Castroneves. And if Helio Castroneves is the bride of Dancing With The Stars and Mel B is the bridesmaid, that makes third-place Marie Osmond a Dancing With The Stars usher or something. Or a flower girl. Or the woman who plays the church organ in an amusingly bad way. Look, we don’t know, OK?

Poor old Mel B. She's always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and that has to sting - especially when the bride is a South American bloke who drives cars for a living. Actually that's not strictly true - with her relationship history, Mel B has been the bride quite a lot actually - but as far as Dancing With The Stars goes, Mel B is definitely the bridesmaid. Last night saw the final of this year's Dancing With The Stars, and long-time favourite Mel B was just pipped to the post by Brazilian racing driver Helio Castroneves. And if Helio Castroneves is the bride of Dancing With The Stars and Mel B is the bridesmaid, that makes third-place Marie Osmond a Dancing With The Stars usher or something. Or a flower girl. Or the woman who plays the church organ in an amusingly bad way. Look, we don't know, OK?
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X Factor Betting Odds: Can Niki Evans Win?

by Stuart Heritage

All said, Saturday’s X Factor Love Songs Night was a great success; although if we’re honest, compared to the X Factor Disco Night an X Factor Dissonant Avant-Rock Night would be a success, too.

And that means that this Saturday X Factor is treating us to a Best Of British show where, dressed up as an assortment of jolly red-faced butchers, cricketers and wooden-toothed Victorian prostitutes, the X Factor hopefuls will belt out a selection of songs like Roll Out The Barrel, Doing The Lambeth Walk, My Old Man’s A Dustman, I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts and the theme-tune to Oh, Doctor Beeching! by Su Pollard. Either that or they’ll all sing You’re Beautiful with a quiet look of desperation in their eyes. Let’s wait and see.

But who’s going to win X Factor this year? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Niki Evans and Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power…

All said, Saturday's X Factor Love Songs Night was a great success; although if we're honest, compared to the X Factor Disco Night an X Factor Dissonant Avant-Rock Night would be a success, too. And that means that this Saturday X Factor is treating us to a Best Of British show where, dressed up as an assortment of jolly red-faced butchers, cricketers and wooden-toothed Victorian prostitutes, the X Factor hopefuls will belt out a selection of songs like Roll Out The Barrel, Doing The Lambeth Walk, My Old Man's A Dustman, I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts and the theme-tune to Oh, Doctor Beeching! by Su Pollard. Either that or they'll all sing You're Beautiful with a quiet look of desperation in their eyes. Let's wait and see. But who's going to win X Factor this year? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Niki Evans and Rhydian Roberts, with help from Paddy Power...
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Michael Parkinson Gets A Bit Sad On His Last Show

by Stuart Heritage

For 36 years, Michael Parkinson has been a near-permanent fixture, either on TV gurgling sycophantically at famous people or in magazines grumbling that people can’t gurgle sycophantically at famous people as well as he can.

But not for much longer, because last night Michael Parkinson recorded his last ever celebrity interviews before fades away into a retirement of autobiography-writing and complaining about how rude young people are. And it’s even been reported that professional northerner Michael Parkinson even got a bit teary-eyed during the filming of his last show. That’s something we’re either putting down to Parkinson realising what a prolific and generous interviewer he’s been over the last three and a half decades or because Jamie Cullum turned up and started singing bad jazz-pop at him. We’re going to go with the second one.

For 36 years, Michael Parkinson has been a near-permanent fixture, either on TV gurgling sycophantically at famous people or in magazines grumbling that people can't gurgle sycophantically at famous people as well as he can. But not for much longer, because last night Michael Parkinson recorded his last ever celebrity interviews before fades away into a retirement of autobiography-writing and complaining about how rude young people are. And it's even been reported that professional northerner Michael Parkinson even got a bit teary-eyed during the filming of his last show. That's something we're either putting down to Parkinson realising what a prolific and generous interviewer he's been over the last three and a half decades or because Jamie Cullum turned up and started singing bad jazz-pop at him. We're going to go with the second one.
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Jamie Oliver Vs Some Chickens

by Stuart Heritage

There’s nothing that Jamie Oliver likes more than a good campaign – the campaign for better school dinners, the campaign to train the disadvantaged to be chefs, the campaign for titting around advertising Sainsbury’s surrounded by elves.

But they’re all old-hat, because Jamie Oliver wants to campaign for something more raw, something more visceral, something that’ll frighten the general British public into never eating ever again. That’s right – Jamie Oliver is going head-to-head with the battery-farmed chicken industry. In a one-off Channel 4 show – Jamie’s Fowl Dinners – to be broadcast next year, Jamie Oliver is promising to graphically demonstrate the battery-farmed chicken’s rearing process. Fingers crossed this will involve Jamie Oliver being shut in a tiny, airless, artificially-lit box for the rest of his life where he’ll be forced to breath his own shit-fumes until a farmer cuts off his nose and mouth.

We don’t know about you, but it’d certainly be the only way we’d learn.

There's nothing that Jamie Oliver likes more than a good campaign - the campaign for better school dinners, the campaign to train the disadvantaged to be chefs, the campaign for titting around advertising Sainsbury's surrounded by elves. But they're all old-hat, because Jamie Oliver wants to campaign for something more raw, something more visceral, something that'll frighten the general British public into never eating ever again. That's right - Jamie Oliver is going head-to-head with the battery-farmed chicken industry. In a one-off Channel 4 show - Jamie's Fowl Dinners - to be broadcast next year, Jamie Oliver is promising to graphically demonstrate the battery-farmed chicken's rearing process. Fingers crossed this will involve Jamie Oliver being shut in a tiny, airless, artificially-lit box for the rest of his life where he'll be forced to breath his own shit-fumes until a farmer cuts off his nose and mouth. We don't know about you, but it'd certainly be the only way we'd learn.
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Donda West’s Doctor Strops Off Larry King

by Stuart Heritage

Dr Jan Adams, the embattled plastic surgeon who operated on Kanye West’s mother Donda West right before she died, isn’t precisely doing himself any favours at the moment.

Although Donda West’s coroner’s report hasn’t pinpointed a cause of death yet, blame has still so far been mostly laid at the feet of Dr Jan Adams – the plastic surgeon, TV show presenter and reported occasional drink-driver whose operation may have played some part in Donda West’s untimely death. Dr Jan Adams has yet to put his side of the story across, but that was supposed to change on last night’s Larry King. That was until Jan Adams decided that actually he didn’t want to talk about Donda West at all, before tearing off his earpiece and walking out of the interview, thanks to either compassion, an attorney’s letter from the West family or the jarring realisation that he was missing Dancing With The Stars.

OK, it was the second one.

Dr Jan Adams, the embattled plastic surgeon who operated on Kanye West's mother Donda West right before she died, isn't precisely doing himself any favours at the moment. Although Donda West's coroner's report hasn't pinpointed a cause of death yet, blame has still so far been mostly laid at the feet of Dr Jan Adams - the plastic surgeon, TV show presenter and reported occasional drink-driver whose operation may have played some part in Donda West's untimely death. Dr Jan Adams has yet to put his side of the story across, but that was supposed to change on last night's Larry King. That was until Jan Adams decided that actually he didn't want to talk about Donda West at all, before tearing off his earpiece and walking out of the interview, thanks to either compassion, an attorney's letter from the West family or the jarring realisation that he was missing Dancing With The Stars. OK, it was the second one.
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Let’s Be ‘Avin You! Delia’s Back On TV! Come On!

by Stuart Heritage

Delia Smith is the Jay-Z of the middle-class television chef world, albeit a Jay-Z who keeps getting drunk at football matches and has fingers like chubby uncooked sausages.

So why is Delia Smith like Jay-Z? Well, her forthcoming gangsta rap album All Eyez On Me (I’m Making Flapjacks) is certainly one reason, and the other is that she’s about to break her own self-enforced retirement. The BBC has announced that Delia Smith is set to make her television comeback next year, six years after announcing that she’d hung up her whisk for good, with an update of her 1971 book How To Cheat At Cooking. Of course, the TV cooking landscape has changed immeasurably over the last six years, so it’s clear that Delia needs a gimmick – which is why she plans on screaming all her recipes like they’re red-eyed, wobbly-legged football chants.

Delia Smith is the Jay-Z of the middle-class television chef world, albeit a Jay-Z who keeps getting drunk at football matches and has fingers like chubby uncooked sausages. So why is Delia Smith like Jay-Z? Well, her forthcoming gangsta rap album All Eyez On Me (I'm Making Flapjacks) is certainly one reason, and the other is that she's about to break her own self-enforced retirement. The BBC has announced that Delia Smith is set to make her television comeback next year, six years after announcing that she'd hung up her whisk for good, with an update of her 1971 book How To Cheat At Cooking. Of course, the TV cooking landscape has changed immeasurably over the last six years, so it's clear that Delia needs a gimmick - which is why she plans on screaming all her recipes like they're red-eyed, wobbly-legged football chants.
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Christian Bloke Doesn’t Like ‘Blasphemous’ BBC

by C J Davies

Jesus fucking Christ!

In the name of the titting Father, this is some surprising news. More surprising, in fact, than that time Christ, Buddha and Muhammed got rip-snorted on PCP and went cruising for gay prostitutes in the Tower Of Babel car park. And certainly a damn sight more shocking that the mythical ‘eighth day’, during which – following a rest on Sunday – God sparked up a massive joint and had a big celestial wank over some girls from Hollyoaks.

Apparently a Christian activist has still not forgiven the BBC for screening the controversial Jerry Springer: The Opera a couple of years back – a production which featured Jesus dancing around in a nappy. He’s now seeking to use blasphemy laws to prosecute the executive responsible for screening it. Well, blow us down with one of Allah’s rancid farts.

Jesus fucking Christ! In the name of the titting Father, this is some surprising news. More surprising, in fact, than that time Christ, Buddha and Muhammed got rip-snorted on PCP and went cruising for gay prostitutes in the Tower Of Babel car park. And certainly a damn sight more shocking that the mythical 'eighth day', during which - following a rest on Sunday - God sparked up a massive joint and had a big celestial wank over some girls from Hollyoaks. Apparently a Christian activist has still not forgiven the BBC for screening the controversial Jerry Springer: The Opera a couple of years back - a production which featured Jesus dancing around in a nappy. He's now seeking to use blasphemy laws to prosecute the executive responsible for screening it. Well, blow us down with one of Allah's rancid farts.
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