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TV News

Sir Alan Sugar Fires Himself From Amstrad

by Stuart Heritage

Listen, we don’t know how to tell you this – it’s as much of a shock to us as it will be to you – but Alan Sugar, he’s… he’s gone.

Dead? No, of course he’s not dead. But Sir Alan Sugar has stepped down as chairman of his company Amstrad after 40 years. That means that all those wonderful jokes about the crappy-looking, pointlessly impractical email telephones he hawked so mercilessly during the first few seasons of The Apprentice are all worthless now. Really, he may as well be dead.

Anyway, even though he’s left Amstrad, Sir Alan Sugar’s still going to be the terrifying boss figure on The Apprentice. However, there’s bound to be some changes – those taking part in next year’s Apprentice will now be battling for a prestigious £100k a year job keeping watch for the rozzers while Sir Alan flogs boxes of unsold email phones from the back of a van in an MFI car park.

Listen, we don't know how to tell you this - it's as much of a shock to us as it will be to you - but Alan Sugar, he's... he's gone. Dead? No, of course he's not dead. But Sir Alan Sugar has stepped down as chairman of his company Amstrad after 40 years. That means that all those wonderful jokes about the crappy-looking, pointlessly impractical email telephones he hawked so mercilessly during the first few seasons of The Apprentice are all worthless now. Really, he may as well be dead. Anyway, even though he's left Amstrad, Sir Alan Sugar's still going to be the terrifying boss figure on The Apprentice. However, there's bound to be some changes - those taking part in next year's Apprentice will now be battling for a prestigious £100k a year job keeping watch for the rozzers while Sir Alan flogs boxes of unsold email phones from the back of a van in an MFI car park.
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Big Brother Betting Odds: Rex Out Tomorrow?

by Stuart Heritage

Tomorrow’s Big Brother eviction is going to be a Rex Vs Jennifer showdown – which one do you like most?

No, wait, we phrased that wrong – we meant ‘which one would you be slightly more hesitant about punching to the ground?’ because, let’s face it, neither of them are exactly likeable, are they? And anyway, what’s with this whole ‘normal Big Brother eviction process’ thing? Surely it’s that time of week where a Big Brother housemate is removed for being wildly threatening and the eviction is put in jeopardy? Isn’t that how it works this season?

Anyway, here are the Big Brother betting odds for Rex to be evicted, with help from Paddy Power…

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Jen & Rex Up, Kat To Win? Yay!

by Stuart Heritage

Eviction odds tomorrow, but for now here are the Big Brother betting odds to win for Rachel, Mikey, Luke, Darnell and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Rebecca To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

This is our fourth year of covering Big Brother, and we’ve come to discover that Big Brother always hits its stride a month in.

And this year is a textbook example of that. Why? Because it usually takes a month to realise that everyone in the Big Brother house is a hugely disagreeable pooflap of the highest order. Look at what’s going on now, for example – Darnell doesn’t like Rebecca, Rebecca doesn’t like Rachel and Kat, Jennifer doesn’t like Mohamed, Dale doesn’t like Mohamed, Dale doesn’t like Stuart, nobody at all likes Mario. And long may it continue, we say. Until they’re all dead, if that’s possible.

But someone has to win Big Brother, so who’s it going to be? Here are the Big Brother betting odds to win for Rex, Mario, Mohamed and Rebecca, with help from Paddy Power…

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Stop Press! Legendary EastEnders Character To Be Killed Off

by Matthew Laidlow

Soap operas are brilliant aren’t they? They all give a retrospective insight into life in the various locations where they are all filmed.

In Emmerdale for instance, all the characters belong to rival farming tribes and live in the middle of nowhere. Coronation Street is full of a variety of characters, from the old, young and transsexual. But the best has to be EastEnders. It’s attempt at showing murky gangster activity is hilarious. All these soaps also have one thing in common.

It doesn’t matter how legendary a soap character is, as soon as they’ve been killed off they’ll never work on television again. For one unlucky EastEnders character, their 14-year stint is soon to be over. But who is it? Find out after the jump.

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Dennis Gone, Sylvia Gone, Jen To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

If you’ve missed Big Brother lately, you’ll find that the house is quite a different place at the moment.

Why? Because Sylvia, the Sierra Leone civil war refugee who obviously wanted to hump everything that moved, was evicted from Big Brother on Friday night. And since the eviction came hours after Dennis, the obnoxious Scottish gay one, was removed from the house for spitting in Mohamed’s face, the atmosphere between the Big Brother campers has as poisonous as it’s ever been. But, lord, emotional trauma is so entertaining.

So who’ll win Big Brother? Here are our Big Brother betting odds to win for Lisa, Jennifer, Stuart and Dale, with help from Paddy Power…

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Sooty Back, Has Stranger’s Hand Jammed In His Anus

by Stuart Heritage

Sooty hasn’t been on TV for a while. But you probably hadn’t noticed because a) you’re not a child and b) Sooty is the rubbishest children’s character ever.

But despite being so rubbish and boring that it’d be more fun to watch a TV show about a static eggcup full of gravel from Norfolk, Sooty is back! Puppeteer Richard Cadell has just bought the rights to Sooty from Hit Entertainment for close to a million pounds.

Now comes the real problem – Cadell needs to try and work out how to update Sooty and make him relevant for today’s sophisticated youth. Though, just to clear things up, Sooty’s Real Life Pub Car Park Knife Fights was our idea first. Don’t be copying us, Cadell.

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Sylvia Out Tonight?

by Stuart Heritage

Welcome to another edition of Why The Hell Hasn’t Mario Been Evicted Yet, aka the Big Brother betting odds.

This is an important one, because it’s your last chance to place a bet on tonight’s Big Brother eviction between Mohamed and Sylvia. The tension’s been high all week, or at least as high as it can be when everyone knows that Sylvia’s going to get thrown out of the Big Brother house. And a good thing, too – if she got any randier we’d be terrified that her genitals would actually catch fire.

But it’s no done deal yet, so here are the Big Brother betting odds for Sylvia’s eviction, with help from Paddy Power…

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Mohamed Out Tomorrow?

by Stuart Heritage

Oh, who are we kidding? Eviction schmischmiction – Jen and Dale are totally going to do it!

The first Big Brother romance of the year has just kicked off – we don’t count Mario and Lisa as a romance because they make us want to crap our eyes out with disgust – and it’s so, well, romantic. Forget that Jen is married and lives with her husband and baby and that Dale apparently has a girlfriend – they’re going to do it! Oh, the enchanting mutual infidelity! We’re suckers for it every time!

Anyway, there’s a Big Brother eviction happening tomorrow, and Mohamed and Sylvia are up. So here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed’s eviction, with help from Paddy Power…

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Billie Piper’s Knockers Spoil Everything

by Stuart Heritage

Billie Piper has done so many things that we’ll never get to do – she’s had hit singles, performed Shakespeare and done things to Chris Evans’ genitals that don’t bear thinking about.

But there’s one thing that Billie Piper will never be, and that’s a bigshot Hollywood actress. And the sad thing is it’s all her fault. Or, to be more specific, it’s the fault of her boobies.

Because she went topless in a TV show about a filthy whore, Billie Piper now fears that she’s ruined her chances of being an A-list movie star. Or as she puts it, “What A-list stars get their tits out?” Well, looking at recent Oscar-winning actresses, Helen Mirren, Reese Witherspoon, Hilary Swank, Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry all do. But don’t tell any of that to Billie – we don’t want her to get any ideas.

Billie Piper has done so many things that we'll never get to do - she's had hit singles, performed Shakespeare and done things to Chris Evans' genitals that don't bear thinking about. But there's one thing that Billie Piper will never be, and that's a bigshot Hollywood actress. And the sad thing is it's all her fault. Or, to be more specific, it's the fault of her boobies. Because she went topless in a TV show about a filthy whore, Billie Piper now fears that she's ruined her chances of being an A-list movie star. Or as she puts it, “What A-list stars get their tits out?” Well, looking at recent Oscar-winning actresses, Helen Mirren, Reese Witherspoon, Hilary Swank, Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry all do. But don't tell any of that to Billie - we don't want her to get any ideas.
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