TV News
Paula Abdul Quits American Idol, Randy Now Officially Oddest Judge
That's it. American Idol has lost its heart. Well, maybe not its heart - more like its atrophied cerebellum. Anyway, look, Paula Abdul has left American Idol. That was our point. And Paula Abdul's American Idol departure is a shock - for all the threats and posturing from her management recently, we were certain that Paula was just angling for a bigger salary. But no - first Paula Abdul Twittered her resignation and then Fox confirmed it. We can't overstate what a loss this is. Without Paula Abdul around, the American Idol contestants will now be forced to sleep with each other. Disappointing.
That's it. American Idol has lost its heart. Well, maybe not its heart - more like its atrophied cerebellum. Anyway, look, Paula Abdul has left American Idol. That was our point. And Paula Abdul's American Idol departure is a shock - for all the threats and posturing from her management recently, we were certain that Paula was just angling for a bigger salary. But no - first Paula Abdul Twittered her resignation and then Fox confirmed it. We can't overstate what a loss this is. Without Paula Abdul around, the American Idol contestants will now be forced to sleep with each other. Disappointing.
American Idol: Simon Cowell Falls For Paula Abdul’s Self-Pity
Yesterday we said that Paula Abdul was probably going to leave American Idol. And she really was, too. She was going to leave. It wasn't just a dimwitted bluff to make American Idol pay her more money. Paula Abdul was definitely leaving American Idol. Unless the show decided to pay her a lot more money, in which case she'd consider staying. But it's not about money. Its about being treated with a basic level of human decency. And money. It's mostly about money. Anyway, Simon Cowell has revealed that he wants Paula Abdul to stay. That was probably our point.
Yesterday we said that Paula Abdul was probably going to leave American Idol. And she really was, too. She was going to leave. It wasn't just a dimwitted bluff to make American Idol pay her more money. Paula Abdul was definitely leaving American Idol. Unless the show decided to pay her a lot more money, in which case she'd consider staying. But it's not about money. Its about being treated with a basic level of human decency. And money. It's mostly about money. Anyway, Simon Cowell has revealed that he wants Paula Abdul to stay. That was probably our point.
Paula Abdul To Strop Off American Idol In A Boggle-Eyed Huff
As far as American Idol goes, Simon is the brain, Randy is the mouth and Kara is like the appendix or something. And then there's Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul is American Idol's beating heart. Admittedly it's a slightly terrifying heart that seems to be drunk a lot of the time and often shrieks to itself for no particular reason, but it's still a heart. What would American Idol be like without Paula Abdul? It'd be professional and consistent. And rubbish. But we'll see that next year, because Paula Abdul is about to quit American Idol in a pay dispute.
As far as American Idol goes, Simon is the brain, Randy is the mouth and Kara is like the appendix or something. And then there's Paula Abdul. Paula Abdul is American Idol's beating heart. Admittedly it's a slightly terrifying heart that seems to be drunk a lot of the time and often shrieks to itself for no particular reason, but it's still a heart. What would American Idol be like without Paula Abdul? It'd be professional and consistent. And rubbish. But we'll see that next year, because Paula Abdul is about to quit American Idol in a pay dispute.
Hilary Duff Signs Up For Some TV Show We Don’t Watch
Remember that rumour that Hilary Duff was going to star in 90210? What a ridiculous rumour that was. Because, please. This is Hilary Duff we're talking about. Multi-millionaire singer and actress Hilary Duff. She'd never lower herself enough to appear on an embarrassingly self-conscious youth-orientated CW TV show like 90210. That's absurd. But luckily, Hilary Duff would lower herself enough to appear on an embarrassingly self-conscious youth-orientated CW TV show like Gossip Girl. So she has. It's great news for anyone who watches Gossip Girl and actively identifies themselves as a Hilary Duff fan. So that one creepy man must be thrilled.
Remember that rumour that Hilary Duff was going to star in 90210? What a ridiculous rumour that was. Because, please. This is Hilary Duff we're talking about. Multi-millionaire singer and actress Hilary Duff. She'd never lower herself enough to appear on an embarrassingly self-conscious youth-orientated CW TV show like 90210. That's absurd. But luckily, Hilary Duff would lower herself enough to appear on an embarrassingly self-conscious youth-orientated CW TV show like Gossip Girl. So she has. It's great news for anyone who watches Gossip Girl and actively identifies themselves as a Hilary Duff fan. So that one creepy man must be thrilled.
TLC Denies Us The Jon & Kate Plus 8 Bitchfight From Hell
Despite all the headlines it's been generating, people always forget one thing about Jon & Kate Plus 8. It's boring. Really boring. Have you ever tried to sit through an entire episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8? No? Well don't. It's rubbish. Ooh, some kids are baking some cakes. Ooh, some kids are going to the zoo. The only people who could truly enjoy Jon & Kate Plus 8 are heavily sedated pederasts, and even they wouldn't love it. TLC could spice up the show by making Jon Gosselin's alleged mistress a central character. But TLC says it won't. TLC is rubbish.
Despite all the headlines it's been generating, people always forget one thing about Jon & Kate Plus 8. It's boring. Really boring. Have you ever tried to sit through an entire episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8? No? Well don't. It's rubbish. Ooh, some kids are baking some cakes. Ooh, some kids are going to the zoo. The only people who could truly enjoy Jon & Kate Plus 8 are heavily sedated pederasts, and even they wouldn't love it. TLC could spice up the show by making Jon Gosselin's alleged mistress a central character. But TLC says it won't. TLC is rubbish.
Jon & Kate Divorce: They’ve Been Separated For Two Years, Ish
Jon & Kate Plus 8 is heartbreaking, isn't it? Truly heartbreaking. Their divorce announcement just came out of the blue. Well, alright, not quite out of the blue - thanks to every single magazine in the world banging on about all the affairs that Jon and Kate Gosselin have allegedly been having all the time, you don't have to be a genius to see that their marriage has been in trouble for a few weeks now. Well, alright, not quite a few weeks - according to divorce papers, Jon and Kate Gosselin have been separated for two entire years. Oh, divorce is hilarious.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 is heartbreaking, isn't it? Truly heartbreaking. Their divorce announcement just came out of the blue. Well, alright, not quite out of the blue - thanks to every single magazine in the world banging on about all the affairs that Jon and Kate Gosselin have allegedly been having all the time, you don't have to be a genius to see that their marriage has been in trouble for a few weeks now. Well, alright, not quite a few weeks - according to divorce papers, Jon and Kate Gosselin have been separated for two entire years. Oh, divorce is hilarious.
Susan Boyle Set To Bother You On X Factor
We dreamed a dream once. It involved us being dipped in Belgian chocolate and then being placed in the middle of a field full of cows and sheep. Don’t ask us what happened next, but suffice to say we don’t see those animals in the same way we once did. They're not as cuddly and cute as the books make out. Someone else who is all about dreams is Scottish mentalist Susan Boyle. While we don’t really want to know what goes on inside her head, she has sung I Dreamed A Dream a few times. Granted, it’s only been twice but the entire population of the world will have seen it now. Dermot O'Leary wants to pimp her out on X Factor. Hopefully she’ll sing another song. In the style of Slipknot. She probably won't.
We dreamed a dream once. It involved us being dipped in Belgian chocolate and then being placed in the middle of a field full of cows and sheep. Don’t ask us what happened next, but suffice to say we don’t see those animals in the same way we once did. They're not as cuddly and cute as the books make out. Someone else who is all about dreams is Scottish mentalist Susan Boyle. While we don’t really want to know what goes on inside her head, she has sung I Dreamed A Dream a few times. Granted, it’s only been twice but the entire population of the world will have seen it now. Dermot O'Leary wants to pimp her out on X Factor. Hopefully she’ll sing another song. In the style of Slipknot. She probably won't.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 To Announce Some Sort Of Important Nonsense
Jon & Kate Plus 8 has recently become must-watch television. It is, as they say, a non-stop thrill ride. Obviously that's assuming that your idea of a non-stop thrill ride involves watching a drearily mediocre TV show about a woman with a monstrously flappy uterus. But we have some bad news - the Jon & Kate Plus 8 thrill ride might be juddering to a halt. On Monday's show, Jon and Kate Gosselin are going to make a very serious announcement. Are they getting divorced? Ending the show? Doing anything of any worth whatsoever? No, that last one would clearly be quite ridiculous.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 has recently become must-watch television. It is, as they say, a non-stop thrill ride. Obviously that's assuming that your idea of a non-stop thrill ride involves watching a drearily mediocre TV show about a woman with a monstrously flappy uterus. But we have some bad news - the Jon & Kate Plus 8 thrill ride might be juddering to a halt. On Monday's show, Jon and Kate Gosselin are going to make a very serious announcement. Are they getting divorced? Ending the show? Doing anything of any worth whatsoever? No, that last one would clearly be quite ridiculous.
