Greek-loving, best friend cut-offing, one time goat-owning, rich dad-having, death threat-defying Hollywood socialite Paris Hilton is a part time defender of all that is just and true. Or so we’re told.
She’s just like a less chaste version of famed/maybe not-so-famed literary boy detective Encyclopedia Brown, all problem solving and whatnot.
hecklerspray shudders to think what Channel Four have got lined up in the schedules for next year.
Another series of Balls Of Steel, maybe? More crucifyingly awful Hollyoaks late-night ’specials’? Jimmy Carr presents the Top Ten Bestest Ever Most Special Things In The Universe Times Infinity (‘Number Ten: Cheese! Number Nine: Glass! Number Eight: The Eurythmics!’)?
And - of course - another series of Big Brother.
Something which might not please regulatory board Ofcom and the thousands of people who complained about the last series. Apparently the whole Big Brother spazmo-circus was deemed to be "operating at the limits of acceptability."
Here at hecklerspray towers, we thought we were the only ones terrified to death by that BBC Digital commercial.
You know the one - it features a godforsaken floating mass of disembodied heads combining to create one hideous whole, which then using its evil giant mouth to babble about how great the BBC is and everything.
The most disturbing aspect - and the part that made hecklerspray leap from the couch screaming "dear god, get the military on standby" - was that, towards the end of the advert, the satanic creation is quite clearly heading for the nearest city.
Turns out, however, that we weren’t the only ones upset by all of this.
If there’s one thing that hecklerspray finds entertaining, it’s watching a bunch of deluded fools shamble into a room full of unforgiving critics and having their dreams torn and scattered apart like so much pathetic confetti.
This is why X Factor is so good - up until the point where they start concentrating on the ‘professional’ contestants and it becomes rubbish overnight (good only, in fact, for betting money on which gurning simpleton is going to win the contest, have a Christmas number one and then disappear into a Kwik-Save managerial role/alcoholism/Channel Five presenting.)
Thank the heavens for Dragon’s Den, then.
Scientists have decided that Eastenders hard men The Mitchell Brothers are going to create an entire nation of violent psychopaths.
The Mitchell Brothers - played by gurning shaven hobbits Ross Kemp and Steve McFadden - are apparently among a group of television ‘role models’ who could all too easily influence the stupid children of today to grow up all twisted out of shape.
Just think. Little Johnny may be reading Harry Potter and collecting butterflies right now, but a couple of telly excursions into Albert Square and he’ll be driving into canals and growling sweaty threats at ladies in no time.
Contestants on ITV’s upcoming pleb-beacon I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here have begun squabbling over their ill-gotten paychecks.
Apparently there are some discrepancies in the amount of wonga being dished out to each undeserving ’star’. Pram-faced ex-Atomic Kitten warbler Jenny Frost is presently top of the pile, with producers handing her a whopping £100,000 for her appearance.
Fellow jungle-goers, however, have found that their slices of the big money pie are looking a little less appetising…
hecklerspray has never really seen the appeal of Little Britain.
Call us a bunch of wizened old cynics, but it’s getting increasingly difficult with each passing day to see the humour in a man dressing up as a lady. And then saying "I’m a lady." In a silly high-pitched lady voice.
The sort of thing that only a four-year-old - or someone with the mental age thereof - would find amusing, right?
Right. And now it’s been scientifically proven. Kind of.
HBO makes some good shows - like Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Sopranos and Deadwood. It’s also responsible for mediocre shows that idiots like - we’re referring mainly to Sex And The City here.
But it doesn’t really make any stinkers, any shows so opportunistic and bad that people can’t watch more than a second of it without beating their TV to dust with their bare fists. And now, maybe HBO wants to rectify this.
That has to be thinking behind it’s commissioning of a sitcom based on the life of Wyclef. It has to be.
The youth of today don’t really watch TV. Why should they, when they can play PlayStations, watch DVDs, use the Internet or hang around bus shelters drinking three litres of extra strong cider and vomiting on the seats?
To get kids watching TV again, Channel 4 is planning to make the world’s first interactive TV drama. And Ms Dynamite is going to be in it and everything. Will you be able to interactively make her forehead smaller? Doubtful.
What’s the best thing about The Apprentice? In Britain, it’s the squat gruff man jabbing his finger at people and shouting about rubbish telephones. In America, it’s the bizarro-haired man bellowing to himself about leadership from inside a diamond-encrusted helicopter.
So when it was announced that poncho-loving home-making ex-con Martha Stewart was to have her own series of The Apprentice, we were a little bit hesitant. After all, most of the fun of The Apprentice comes from watching all the ridiculous strutting machismo, doesn’t it?
We haven’t seen the show yet, so we don’t know how good it was. But plenty of other people have a good idea…
