TV News
Steven Seagal Is Back For Real(ity)
Steven Seagal - the man, the legend - is back, and no it’s not in an Orange advert (or in a Mountain Dew advert). To be fair, he never really went away. Since 1992's Under Siege, he has appeared in over 30 films - all of which have very similar themes, including Half Past Dead, Attack Force, Kill Switch and the subtly titled Today You Die. Seagal doesn’t just turn up and frown at the camera, though. For his 2005 film Into the Sun he not only starred, but wrote and produced the movie as well as recorded its soundtrack. The man is multi-talented. Anyone who has their own energy drink and two music albums entitled Mojo Priest and Crystal Cave is a hero in my book. And his own reality TV show now. You heard.
Steven Seagal - the man, the legend - is back, and no it’s not in an Orange advert (or in a Mountain Dew advert). To be fair, he never really went away. Since 1992's Under Siege, he has appeared in over 30 films - all of which have very similar themes, including Half Past Dead, Attack Force, Kill Switch and the subtly titled Today You Die. Seagal doesn’t just turn up and frown at the camera, though. For his 2005 film Into the Sun he not only starred, but wrote and produced the movie as well as recorded its soundtrack. The man is multi-talented. Anyone who has their own energy drink and two music albums entitled Mojo Priest and Crystal Cave is a hero in my book. And his own reality TV show now. You heard.
MTV To Avoid More Music Videos With New Teen Wolf Series
Hecklerspray's working on a script for a television series based on Orko, the purple magician from the He-Man cartoon. It'll be a drama. In the pilot he'll meet a pair of lavender legs, they'll slowly fall in love, and then half way through season three he'll realize they're actually his legs which have been missing since shortly after birth. Initially this will pose an ethical dilemma, but then they'll move to Vermont and get married anyway. We've a guy at TBS that says he's very interested. MTV doesn't have room for more 80's fanfare - they're too busy bringing back Teen Wolf.
Hecklerspray's working on a script for a television series based on Orko, the purple magician from the He-Man cartoon. It'll be a drama. In the pilot he'll meet a pair of lavender legs, they'll slowly fall in love, and then half way through season three he'll realize they're actually his legs which have been missing since shortly after birth. Initially this will pose an ethical dilemma, but then they'll move to Vermont and get married anyway. We've a guy at TBS that says he's very interested. MTV doesn't have room for more 80's fanfare - they're too busy bringing back Teen Wolf.
Paula Abdul: The Crashingly Inescapable American Idol Comeback
Paula Abdul's bad decisions have included singing with a cartoon cat, marrying Emilio Estevez and speaking in public. But quitting American Idol? That was her worst decision of all. And we don't say that lightly - this is a woman who deliberately got married to Emilio Estevez, for crying out loud. Anyway, it seems that the flurry of interest that swamped Paula Abdul's departure from American Idol has now crawled to a trickle, And Paula now reportedly wants her old job back. Phew, it's good that Simon Cowell is so famously compassionate, isn't it? This could have got pretty awkward otherwise.
Paula Abdul's bad decisions have included singing with a cartoon cat, marrying Emilio Estevez and speaking in public. But quitting American Idol? That was her worst decision of all. And we don't say that lightly - this is a woman who deliberately got married to Emilio Estevez, for crying out loud. Anyway, it seems that the flurry of interest that swamped Paula Abdul's departure from American Idol has now crawled to a trickle, And Paula now reportedly wants her old job back. Phew, it's good that Simon Cowell is so famously compassionate, isn't it? This could have got pretty awkward otherwise.
Kelly Osbourne On ‘Dancing With The Stars More Famous Than Her’
Dancing With The Stars is easily the best show on television. No, wait, not best - we meant least accurately titled. It's true. None of the words correlate. For one, the Dancing With The Stars contestants aren't actually stars, let alone the definitive star collection that the titular use of the word 'The' suggests. Second, their graceless plodding technically isn't dancing. Third, we're not dancing with anyone - we're just watching. Really it should be called Looking At Some People You Vaguely Recognise Clump Around A Bit. Anyway, Dancing With The Stars is back. Who's in it? Find out after the jump.
Dancing With The Stars is easily the best show on television. No, wait, not best - we meant least accurately titled. It's true. None of the words correlate. For one, the Dancing With The Stars contestants aren't actually stars, let alone the definitive star collection that the titular use of the word 'The' suggests. Second, their graceless plodding technically isn't dancing. Third, we're not dancing with anyone - we're just watching. Really it should be called Looking At Some People You Vaguely Recognise Clump Around A Bit. Anyway, Dancing With The Stars is back. Who's in it? Find out after the jump.
Tony Danza To Actively Make Children Stupider On TV
Previously, the only way to ensure that Tony Danza mucked up your education was to be one of Tony Danza's children. Which would make sense. After all, it's hard to concentrate on long division when you know that you're in a room with 30 people who want to beat you up because your dad is Tony Danza. But we digress - now Tony Danza is going to ruin the education of a new set of kids on a reality TV show entitled Teach. But relax, it'll be a responsible show. It's being filmed in Philadelphia - and, really, who cares about those kids?
Previously, the only way to ensure that Tony Danza mucked up your education was to be one of Tony Danza's children. Which would make sense. After all, it's hard to concentrate on long division when you know that you're in a room with 30 people who want to beat you up because your dad is Tony Danza. But we digress - now Tony Danza is going to ruin the education of a new set of kids on a reality TV show entitled Teach. But relax, it'll be a responsible show. It's being filmed in Philadelphia - and, really, who cares about those kids?
Everyone Wants Paula Abdul To Babble & Slur For Them
Paula Abdul has always been a free agent - you can't constrain her with things like rules or basic human logic. But now she really is free. She's free of the American Idol machine, with its cynical attitude to creativity and willingness to give her millions of dollars for doing hardly anything. Apparently Paula Abdul could now be snapped up by So You Think You Can Dance, although she's probably holding out for So You Think You Can Stare Off Into Space For Great Stretches Of Time While Softly Giggling At A Joke That Only You Can Hear. She's got expertise there.
Paula Abdul has always been a free agent - you can't constrain her with things like rules or basic human logic. But now she really is free. She's free of the American Idol machine, with its cynical attitude to creativity and willingness to give her millions of dollars for doing hardly anything. Apparently Paula Abdul could now be snapped up by So You Think You Can Dance, although she's probably holding out for So You Think You Can Stare Off Into Space For Great Stretches Of Time While Softly Giggling At A Joke That Only You Can Hear. She's got expertise there.
American Idol: Victoria Beckham Is The New Paula Abdul, Upsettingly
Replacing Paula Abdul on American Idol will be tricky - producers need to find someone vivacious, warm and emotional. But for now they'll stick with Victoria Beckham. She's not really any of those things - in fact she's a sour-faced android, so she's the precise opposite - but she is available. We can't overstate that enough. Victoria Beckham is always available for work. Always. Victoria Beckham will temporarily replace Paula Abdul on the new American Idol. So will Katy Perry, in what appears to be a stipulation on Victoria's part to ensure that she isn't the crappiest thing about the new American Idol.
Replacing Paula Abdul on American Idol will be tricky - producers need to find someone vivacious, warm and emotional. But for now they'll stick with Victoria Beckham. She's not really any of those things - in fact she's a sour-faced android, so she's the precise opposite - but she is available. We can't overstate that enough. Victoria Beckham is always available for work. Always. Victoria Beckham will temporarily replace Paula Abdul on the new American Idol. So will Katy Perry, in what appears to be a stipulation on Victoria's part to ensure that she isn't the crappiest thing about the new American Idol.
Paula Abdul: Just A Great Big Stupid Publicity Stunt?
You probably felt a surge of conflicting emotions when Paula Abdul revealed that she was leaving American Idol. First there was shock. Then incredulity. After all, American Idol had reportedly offered Paula Abdul $5 million a year to stay - who'd turn down a sum like that? And then came begrudging acceptance. After all, this is Paula Abdul we're talking about - a woman whose modus operandi seems to be 'how could I make the least possible amount of sense here?' So maybe Paula Abdul really is stupid enough to turn down that sort of money. Or maybe it's all a publicity stunt...
You probably felt a surge of conflicting emotions when Paula Abdul revealed that she was leaving American Idol. First there was shock. Then incredulity. After all, American Idol had reportedly offered Paula Abdul $5 million a year to stay - who'd turn down a sum like that? And then came begrudging acceptance. After all, this is Paula Abdul we're talking about - a woman whose modus operandi seems to be 'how could I make the least possible amount of sense here?' So maybe Paula Abdul really is stupid enough to turn down that sort of money. Or maybe it's all a publicity stunt...
