TV News

Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF‘ (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit.

This is no doubt something to do with hecklerspray’s article last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

“There were less than 40 people there.”

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazis were? They’ve certainly got more power.

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Neil Patrick Harris has responded to yesterday’s Associated Press article which suggested he would like Britney Spears banned from the set of How I Met Your Mother by saying what he meant to say was that Britney is welcome back anytime!

That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Why on one day (yesterday) would someone say: “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed”, and then one day later (today) say: “As I have said all along, Britney did a great job on the show. She really did. In fact, we are all hoping that she returns rather soon to reprise her role as Abby”?

What could have happened to change Neil’s mind so drastically in such a short space of time? Hmmm…

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Everyone’s favourite spoilt slag, Paris Hilton, is refusing to meet the candidates who are competing to become her BFF (best friend forever).

Instead the candidates will first have to pass an interview with two of the casting directors of MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’.

According to the Metro, the premise of the show is this: ‘hot bitches’ and ‘fabulously fierce guys’ – or ‘girls’ and ‘gay fellas’ as they were once known – battle it out to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend forever.

Forever!

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Helio Castroneves, yesterday’s spangly winner on TV’s Dancing With The Stars, is today’s unlucky loser in love, following the news that he has been poleaxed by erstwhile fiancée Aliette Vazquez.

The engagement was called off within a day of Castroneves’ dancefest glory. He was dumped after six years by Vazquez, who kept schtum so as not to affect the outcome of the reality show. They were engaged for about a year.

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You know what our dear old grandad used to say about life? He told us "you only get what you give." Or maybe it was "you only get what opportunities are afforded to you by your socio-economic background." One or the other.

Anyway, the gist of the message was that - to make it anywhere in this crazy old world of ours - it's always a good idea to be nice to people. Take that incident with hecklerspray and the postman, for example. If we hadn't been so consistently charming to him over the years, he would probably have reported those 'special' magazines we had delivered to the relevant local authorities. Yes, siree - being friendly sure does pay off.

Not that anyone has ever told Victoria Beckham this.

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There’s not much that TV can teach you.

Lost - how to have a fight on a beach and talk a bit cryptic whenever someone asks a question. The Sopranos - how to get fat and beat people up. Sex In The City - how to be a waffling self-obsessed fool who no doubt considers Bridget Jones Diary to be ‘like, rilly, rilly incredible.’

Yet CSI is an entirely different matter.

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Sometimes TV show titles can be misleading.

When hecklerspray first heard of The Simple Life, for instance, we envisaged a fly on the wall documentary chronicling the exploits of a bunch of Adam Sandler fans, all sat in a cinema, clapping their hands with delight and whooping about how ‘the silly man pulled funny faces and then fell over and did a poo’.

But no. The Simple Life - as regular trash TV experts will inform you - was a show that featured squillionaire ’socialite’ Paris Hilton wandering around, trying to pull off even the most menial of everyday tasks and failing miserably, thereby proving that there is definitely - definitely - no real reason for her to be alive.

Ironically the title of the show was in no way related to mental deficiency. Unlike the upcoming ITV project Vernon Kay’s All-Stupid Pleb-Happy Goo-Goo Spakfest.

Anyway - enough of this banter. The real reason we’ve summoned you here is to impart the following information: that young Paris Hilton and her similarly pointless sister Nicky are soon to feature in their very own cartoon series.

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When hecklerspray heard that Wafah Dafour - daughter of Osama Bin Laden’s half-brother - was striving to launch a pop singing career, two questions sprung immediately to mind.

Number one - is it morally reprehensible to allow a close relative of a mass-murdering mastermind to hoist herself upon the public consciousness in such a frivolous and possibly downright insulting manner?

Number two - would it be any worse than anything ‘the’ Arctic Monkeys have ever done?

Ahem. But seriously.

This is something of a contentious story…

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Remember that guy who appeared on X Factor claimed to have funnelled the ghost of John Lennon into a special magic tape-recorder?

Remember how he proceeded to dance about and sing along to the ghostly Lennon’s voice? Remember how you laughed and laughed - and then felt a bit guilty about laughing because you suspected that the poor old gentleman was going to go home straight afterwards and take his own life in a flood of suicidal tears?

Well. He has nothing on this.

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If hecklerspray were to say ‘reality TV’, what would you think?

Perhaps your mind would immediately vomit forth images of Celebrity Big Brother ‘winner’ Chantelle Houghton - a woman so fascinatingly stupid that the only thing she’d need to take into a nuclear bunker for entertainment would be a colouring book.

Or maybe you’d conjure all sorts of Gordon Ramsay-shaped thoughts - picturing him storming around in his overpriced kitchen, face crumpled into a scowl beneath his silly 1980s-lesbian haircut. Or you may find yourself thinking about whoever won I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here this year. We can’t remember who that was, and we’re frankly not too sure that whoever it was can either.

Yet occasionally something good drips through. Like the upcoming second series of Alan Sugar’s The Apprentice.

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My, my - hecklerspray would seem to have a Channel Four fascination today.

After taking a good long look at how the station apparently almost killed someone -  as well as lamenting the ‘celebrity status’ of Vaseline-faced should-be-working-at-Aldi-checkout womanchild Chantelle Houghton - we thought we’d round things off by showing you the brighter side of things.

Probably seen those adverts for new sitcom The IT Crowd, haven’t you? Probably thought to yourself: "If only I could see this before all my friends and talk to them about it in a vaguely superior tone, thus implying that I have some sort of ‘insider’ TV knowledge… boy oh boy, that would just about make my life utterly, utterly complete in every single way whatsoever."

Well, now you can.

Channel Four has put the first couple of episodes online - which means you can feast your eyes on them a whole two days before they’re aired. Sweet baby Jesus, just imagine …

Quick hecklerspray IT Crowd review: it’s alright. You know, in a Black Books sort of way. If you like that sort of thing. And Chris Morris is pretty funny.

Still - beats doing work, doesn’t it? So… plug your headphones into your computer, sit back, and if any of your colleagues ask what you’re laughing at, just tell them that you’re working on a particularly hilarious spreadsheet or something.

Note: this approach does not work while watching Naughty Teen Slumber Party Volume Seven. Just so you know.

Watch more:

The IT Crowd episodes

Channel Four spin-off station E4 is facing a little bit of criticism. Not for broadcasting drivel like The O.C and that programme where those models twat about on an island… oh, no. E4 is in hot water over the far more serious matter of someone nearly dying.

Or so it would seem.

The complaints all stem from E4 show Death Wish Live! Unfortunately, this wasn’t a must-see extravaganza featuring miraculously-reanimated Charlie Bronson wandering around South London and enacting bloody revenge on the criminal underworld.

No. It was actually a stunt by escapologist Jonathan Goodwin to free himself from a noose within thirty seconds. All very ‘impressive’… until the stunt went wrong and one of Jonny’s mates had to run in and cut him down.

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