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TV News

Soap Spoilers: Eastenders Special!!

by Joanna Bolouri

This week we’re dedicating the entire spoilers section to Eastenders! Why? We have no idea but there’s so much going on we literally wet our pants writing this. First up on Albert Square, the next story line destined to drag out for at least 17 years continues with Amira using her daughter Yasmin to manipulate ex [...]

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Paranormal Activity III Has Premiere In Big Brother House & No-One Famous Turns Up

by Michael Park

Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5′s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap. And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place [...]

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Soap Spoilers! Children! Sewing Machines! Sexy Time!

by Joanna Bolouri

Despite spending most of the week choosing fancy pants to wear to the Cosmo Blog Awards, fighting over who gets to shave that evening with the communal razor and  getting really, really drunk with happiness, we’ve still had time to hold Soap writers hostage in our bedsit and demand they tell us what’s happening in [...]

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Sesame Street Force Porn Onto Our Children’s Innocent Little Brains

by Mof Gimmers

Sesame Street. Not nearly as innocent as you think. Seriously. It should be called Sesmutty Street after they threw a load of sexy filth at the eyes of the world’s children, presumably getting big furry erections and laughing at our outrage. The official line on all of this is that the Sesame Street YouTube channel [...]

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Mary Portas Wants To Sex Up Cameron’s Cabinet In Vomit-Inducing Publicity Stunt

by Michael Park

Mary Portas is widely renowned for having the poise and gait of a maimed Tyrannosaurus Rex and the retail miracle-worker has told Heat! magazine that she wants the opportunity to inject some sex appeal into David Cameron’s cabinet. Without hecklerspray trying to force any political viewpoints down the throats of our readers, Tories are arseholes. [...]

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Soap Spoilers! Truck Stealing! Perfume Spraying At Gays! Surprise Children!

by Joanna Bolouri

hecklerspray went into mourning last week when we discovered that David Essex had left Eastenders.  There was drinking, swearing, Michael Park wrote some terrible poetry and Mof Gimmers sang ‘Hold Me Close’  while crying over a really old copy of Smash Hits.  It wasn’t pretty. We couldn’t even mention the word ‘Soaps’ without one of [...]

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Lady GaGa Biopic In The Works, Despite Her Only Being Famous For 30 Seconds

by Mof Gimmers

Lady GaGa is a woman obsessed by fame. She loves it. She likes the idea, the smell, the taste and the lumpy feel of it. She would wouldn’t she? She hasn’t been famous long enough to become jaded by the idea. It’s all one big, vague art project to her. And despite the fact she’s [...]

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Soap Spoilers! Divorce! Kissing! Bare Chests!

by Joanna Bolouri

Gosh, can you believe it’s been a whole week since we last vomited Soap news into your laps?  Well it has. Deal with it. We’re glad you didn’t bother washing those trousers as here it comes again you miserable lot! In Eastenders this week Masood tells Zainab he wants a divorce because that’s what you do when your wife [...]

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Katie Holmes: Slag Pumpkin

by Mof Gimmers

How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one? No? How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it [...]

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William Shatner Really, Really Hates Star Wars

by Mof Gimmers

William Shatner – or, The Shat, as we like to call him -  is a fine, fine man. We say ‘fine’. We actually mean ‘like watching an endless loop of terrible car wrecks, limbs flying through the air’. Right? Right. The Shat is prone to opening his mouth and not thinking too much about what [...]

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