TV News

Today hecklerspray woke up and said to itself: “Self, find a way to return blood-flow to your arm or you’ll lose it forever.” But we were feeling too lazy, so now only type at half speed.

You know the feeling - surely you do. We’re having one of those days where the only food we eat are the fish crackers we accidentally spilled under our pillow the night before. We’re only moving to avoid bed-sores, and the various shoes our step-dad keeps throwing at us for the sake of motivation. Seriously, when is he gonna realize that we’re 38, and we’ll get up when we want to?

As such, we tried to think of different ways we could post something without taking the 4 - 5 hours a typical solitary hecklerspray article usually consumes.

And then it hit us: It’s common knowledge by now that ol’ Stu Heritage is off for a month or something writing up funny bits for real a tv show. Up until five minutes ago we’d been under the impression it was Dr. Who.

Well it’s not and it never has been. It’s called Tonightly - and we have a clip for you by way of a fancy video.

So if you need a Heritage fix, have at it. We can’t say for sure that he wrote this exact piece, but we can say he was in the room when it was filmed. That counts for something, right?

The most exciting event in Big Brother history has just happened.

Unfortunately, the incident happened in America and not in the UK where so far the most exciting thing to do for viewers is count how many times Luke mentions the £100k cheque.

We’re always told that things don’t go truly mental until the series kicks off, gets into its stride and sees housemates go quite mental. Sadly the UK version is halfway through and still as exciting as pouring vinegar over your own open wounds.

Consequently we’re switching to America for some entertainment. Quite literally we’re thanking God for turning the equally boring show into something worth watching. Fear not, we’ve got a video of it as well, after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s been said that some people in this world are stupid.

This is, of course, absolute nonsense. The majority of people in this world are stupid - hapless, witless mouth-breathers who drift gormlessly through their lives with all the intellectual vigour of a bag of Oven Chips. Bearing this in mind, however, it still boggles the mind as to the boundless depths of idiocy to which the truly moronic are capable of plunging.

Like dialling the number of a TV character. And complaining when there’s no answer.

Read the rest of this entry »

It's difficult to imagine what sort of corporate environment Heather Mills would flourish within - Widely Despised Monoped GoldDiggers Inc, perhaps, or Beatle Fleecers PLC.

That hasn't stopped suspiciously-haired zillionaire Donald Trump from name-dropping Ms. Mills in relation to the new series of US show The Celebrity Apprentice, however.

After the last batch of episodes featured such luminaries as Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons and that bloke who was shot on a boat in The Sopranos, Trump has confirmed that several wannabes have been angling for a slot in the new run… and that the ex-Ms. McCartney was among them.

Read the rest of this entry »

Isn't it weird, one minute you want her out - the next you want her back? Suddenly, without Alex, everyone is getting on. Rubbish!
 
At 12.40 this morning, everyone bar Mr & Mrs Boring Old Fart, were sitting at the kitchen table talking about their families.

They were playing a guess-the-amount-of-siblings game, which made paint drying an interesting prospect.

And Mohamed's insistence on recreating the Family Fortunes wrong-answer buzzer was as annoying as Teletubby Kat's constant mystified look.
 
Then they ramped the game up. "Where do we all live," someone piped up. And it turns out Mikey lives live 30 miles from Glasgow, while Rachel is from somewhere in Wales.

Read the rest of this entry »

Relax, the vile Alex has left the building. She’s gone and better off forgotten, to be honest.

She had been favourite with Paddy Power to go first this Friday, but now there will be no vote eviction at all. But there is a downside to that…

Alex being hauled out for being continually offensive to her fellow housemates means the fake Italian slimeball Mario (really called Shaun) looks safe for another week.

But, hang on, there is hope. Paddy Power are offering odds of 5/4 that Mario is the next to go. And that’s a day I really can’t wait for.

Read the rest of this entry »

“The lines are closed. The votes have been verified. And I can now reveal that the first person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is… Stephanie!”

And with that went my chance of making any money out of Paddy Power this week!

I had my lolly on creepy Mario and his plastic wife Lisa. Surely that was a banker of a bet? But no - the voting public thought otherwise and ousted pretty young thing Steph, the only one to really stand up to the gruesome twosome and their childish bullying.

Apart from those two sad acts, she was probably the only one who expected her name to be called by Davina, too. The faces of the others told that story quite clearly.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here we go - it’s the first eviction night and one of the Wedding Task four will get kicked out of the Big Brother house.

Paddy Power think it’s going to be Mario (1-3). In fact, they are so sure, you can already place bets on such things as what he is going to do after leaving the house, how many times he’ll mention girlfriend Lisa in his eviction speech, and who he will say he wants to win. Unsurprisingly, Lisa is the favourite for that.

Give me a break, in fact, we wish it was Lisa leaving tonight. And at 25-1, I’m putting a shiny pound on such an outcome – in hope rather than expectation, admittedly.

Steph is 2-1 and Luke an outsider at 66-1.

Read the rest of this entry »

Paddy Power think Mario (4-9) will be the first to get kicked out of the big Brother house this Friday.

But his annoying girlfriend Lisa could be worth a bet to be the first one to be evicted from the Big Brother house at odds of 18-1.

Her Nine-And-A-Half Weeks performance with her chunky monkey boyfriend in the diary room sealed it for me. I felt quite sick watching her shove those strawberries into his big fat gob. She covered him in cream and chocolate, but not herself in glory.

Read the rest of this entry »

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful.

His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity - it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence.

But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared - like some sort of maniac - that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.

Read the rest of this entry »

Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

Read the rest of this entry »