Auntie BBC has announced that she’s going to axe the gameshow Total Wipeout after three years on air… which is obviously hilarious because this means Richard Hammond won’t be on TV quite so much and Amanda Byam is out of a job completely!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Of course, watching people fall over is always funny, but the BBC got Total Wipeout wrong. Mainly because the presenters sucked and they missed a vital ingredient out… and we’re going to tell you exactly what that is.
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After getting in trouble with her mental dad, God, drugs, the law and a jewellers, Lindsay Lohan has been doing her darnedest to get back into everyone’s good books. Then she nearly ran someone over in her Porsche.
At some point in all this, she thought she’d have a crack at comedy, appearing on Saturday Night Live. However, she got a royal kicking there, which surely left her weighing up a drink and drugs binge. Why bother getting good if you’re just going to get slapped around?
Well, in what could potentially be Last Chance Saloon for LiLo, she’s going to try and put her SNL fiasco behind her and appear on Glee. As herself. Does that mean shagging pornstars and crying onto an ankle tag? God we hope so.
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Michael Bay has been tinkering with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles format as he bids to make a shiny new film about the four reptilian annoyances (okay, Donatello was okay, but the other three were dick-heads of the highest order).
First he told us that they were going to be aliens, then he told us that Splinter was being replaced by a sexy Mexican woman and Bebop & Rocksteady are going to be stoner robots who like dubstep… so what now?
Well, Bay has taken to his blog to tell us that he’s renaming them to make the film ‘simpler’.
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What is the fascination that TV talent shows have with letting us know that those who look like they hit every branch of the ugly tree shortly after plummeting from its peak, all have some for of inner beauty that we’re supposed to admire and warm our cold, black hearts with?
Jonathan Antoine is the latest uggo to drop his trousers and have the ungreased fist of ITV’s Lord and Saviour, Simon Cowell, operating those gorgeous vocal chords, located somewhere beneath that 3rd or 4th chin.
Following in the very deep footsteps of Susan Boyle, Michelle McManus and, yes, even Rick Waller, Jonathan and, to a lesser extent, his singing partner, Charlotte something, have burst onto our screens and will, for the 4th or 5th year running, remind us that REAL beauty, the kind of beauty you SHOULD care about, is on the inside.
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Hello Soap fans! Did you have a good weekend? Don’t answer that, we’re only being polite. We couldn’t care less how your weekend went, we’re only filling up some space before we launch into this week’s Soap Spoilers.
We’re heartless and selfish but this is why you want us in a dirty way. Don’t bother denying it, we’re still not listening.
Enough with all this small talk and shameless flirting, let’s find out what’s happening to people in Soapland who are clearly much better than you lot.
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The day we’ve all dreaded has finally arrived at the hecklerspray bedsit: The day when Jessie J finally strong arms her way into our primetime TV schedule and makes a complete fool of herself in her quest for some sort of acceptance from everyone.
And all the while, making Will. I. Am look normal. Which is an achievement. Even Fergie didn’t manage that and she looks like a duck mated with Jennifer Lopez. That’s one freaky looking woman.
Undoubtedly Jessie J is going to be the one to watch on The Voice for a number of reasons. She loves the sound of own voice so much rumour has it that they’re going to elope this Summer and sell the rights to OK! magazine. She always wears totally ridiculous outfits that, if nothing else, frame her vagina. Why would anyone want to do that? It’s like putting Predator in an Elizabethan ruff. She also likes to think that she’s down with the kids so we’ll have lots of stupid catchphrases that will break Twitter at some point during Saturday night.
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Hello maniacs. Yes, another week has dragged past and here we are again, drugged up to the eyeballs and ready to bring you news from Soapland before it actually happens, hopefully ruining your week before it even begins.
Last week we told you that Heather from Eastenders was going to die and this didn’t happen unfortunately, proving that our sources are either stinking liars or that the BBC decided to drag it out a bit longer. Either way, our ‘Burn in Hell Heather!’ street party on Friday was a tad premature. Still, we’ve kept the bunting for this week, when she is DEFINITELY going to meet the big magic fairy in the sky and we can start drinking again.
Let’s do this you miserable monkeys.
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Apart from when man is rightly making them work, horses are pretty pointless. They defecate, lift up their rubbery lips to show-off their disgusting, stinking gums and have to be killed if they fall over.
Honestly. Horses are stupid and only a posho would disagree (mainly because of vague sentimentality from when they were a spoiled little so-and-so who had a daddy rich enough to buy them horse riding lessons).
And so, hats-off to The World’s Most Credible Television Production House In The Universe (c/o Guardian readers), HBO, for killing a bunch of horses in the name of entertainment. If any horses are reading this and feel offended by it, feel free to invent a keyboard that accommodates your clunking hooves and send us an email.
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