TV News
Hilary Duff Signs Up For Some TV Show We Don’t Watch
Remember that rumour that Hilary Duff was going to star in 90210? What a ridiculous rumour that was. Because, please. This is Hilary Duff we're talking about. Multi-millionaire singer and actress Hilary Duff. She'd never lower herself enough to appear on an embarrassingly self-conscious youth-orientated CW TV show like 90210. That's absurd. But luckily, Hilary Duff would lower herself enough to appear on an embarrassingly self-conscious youth-orientated CW TV show like Gossip Girl. So she has. It's great news for anyone who watches Gossip Girl and actively identifies themselves as a Hilary Duff fan. So that one creepy man must be thrilled.
Remember that rumour that Hilary Duff was going to star in 90210? What a ridiculous rumour that was. Because, please. This is Hilary Duff we're talking about. Multi-millionaire singer and actress Hilary Duff. She'd never lower herself enough to appear on an embarrassingly self-conscious youth-orientated CW TV show like 90210. That's absurd. But luckily, Hilary Duff would lower herself enough to appear on an embarrassingly self-conscious youth-orientated CW TV show like Gossip Girl. So she has. It's great news for anyone who watches Gossip Girl and actively identifies themselves as a Hilary Duff fan. So that one creepy man must be thrilled.
TLC Denies Us The Jon & Kate Plus 8 Bitchfight From Hell
Despite all the headlines it's been generating, people always forget one thing about Jon & Kate Plus 8. It's boring. Really boring. Have you ever tried to sit through an entire episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8? No? Well don't. It's rubbish. Ooh, some kids are baking some cakes. Ooh, some kids are going to the zoo. The only people who could truly enjoy Jon & Kate Plus 8 are heavily sedated pederasts, and even they wouldn't love it. TLC could spice up the show by making Jon Gosselin's alleged mistress a central character. But TLC says it won't. TLC is rubbish.
Despite all the headlines it's been generating, people always forget one thing about Jon & Kate Plus 8. It's boring. Really boring. Have you ever tried to sit through an entire episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8? No? Well don't. It's rubbish. Ooh, some kids are baking some cakes. Ooh, some kids are going to the zoo. The only people who could truly enjoy Jon & Kate Plus 8 are heavily sedated pederasts, and even they wouldn't love it. TLC could spice up the show by making Jon Gosselin's alleged mistress a central character. But TLC says it won't. TLC is rubbish.
Jon & Kate Divorce: They’ve Been Separated For Two Years, Ish
Jon & Kate Plus 8 is heartbreaking, isn't it? Truly heartbreaking. Their divorce announcement just came out of the blue. Well, alright, not quite out of the blue - thanks to every single magazine in the world banging on about all the affairs that Jon and Kate Gosselin have allegedly been having all the time, you don't have to be a genius to see that their marriage has been in trouble for a few weeks now. Well, alright, not quite a few weeks - according to divorce papers, Jon and Kate Gosselin have been separated for two entire years. Oh, divorce is hilarious.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 is heartbreaking, isn't it? Truly heartbreaking. Their divorce announcement just came out of the blue. Well, alright, not quite out of the blue - thanks to every single magazine in the world banging on about all the affairs that Jon and Kate Gosselin have allegedly been having all the time, you don't have to be a genius to see that their marriage has been in trouble for a few weeks now. Well, alright, not quite a few weeks - according to divorce papers, Jon and Kate Gosselin have been separated for two entire years. Oh, divorce is hilarious.
Susan Boyle Set To Bother You On X Factor
We dreamed a dream once. It involved us being dipped in Belgian chocolate and then being placed in the middle of a field full of cows and sheep. Don’t ask us what happened next, but suffice to say we don’t see those animals in the same way we once did. They're not as cuddly and cute as the books make out. Someone else who is all about dreams is Scottish mentalist Susan Boyle. While we don’t really want to know what goes on inside her head, she has sung I Dreamed A Dream a few times. Granted, it’s only been twice but the entire population of the world will have seen it now. Dermot O'Leary wants to pimp her out on X Factor. Hopefully she’ll sing another song. In the style of Slipknot. She probably won't.
We dreamed a dream once. It involved us being dipped in Belgian chocolate and then being placed in the middle of a field full of cows and sheep. Don’t ask us what happened next, but suffice to say we don’t see those animals in the same way we once did. They're not as cuddly and cute as the books make out. Someone else who is all about dreams is Scottish mentalist Susan Boyle. While we don’t really want to know what goes on inside her head, she has sung I Dreamed A Dream a few times. Granted, it’s only been twice but the entire population of the world will have seen it now. Dermot O'Leary wants to pimp her out on X Factor. Hopefully she’ll sing another song. In the style of Slipknot. She probably won't.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 To Announce Some Sort Of Important Nonsense
Jon & Kate Plus 8 has recently become must-watch television. It is, as they say, a non-stop thrill ride. Obviously that's assuming that your idea of a non-stop thrill ride involves watching a drearily mediocre TV show about a woman with a monstrously flappy uterus. But we have some bad news - the Jon & Kate Plus 8 thrill ride might be juddering to a halt. On Monday's show, Jon and Kate Gosselin are going to make a very serious announcement. Are they getting divorced? Ending the show? Doing anything of any worth whatsoever? No, that last one would clearly be quite ridiculous.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 has recently become must-watch television. It is, as they say, a non-stop thrill ride. Obviously that's assuming that your idea of a non-stop thrill ride involves watching a drearily mediocre TV show about a woman with a monstrously flappy uterus. But we have some bad news - the Jon & Kate Plus 8 thrill ride might be juddering to a halt. On Monday's show, Jon and Kate Gosselin are going to make a very serious announcement. Are they getting divorced? Ending the show? Doing anything of any worth whatsoever? No, that last one would clearly be quite ridiculous.
Futurama Gets Thawed 991 Years Early (For 26 All New Episodes)
Remember 2003? Sure it was a long time ago - but let us jog your memory. The sky outside was often gray and dreary, flowers refused to bloom and the Internet bed linen industry absolutely boomed because bedridden people were too depressed to drop turd all the way over in the toilet. Well no more - because Futurama has been un-cancelled. And we're not talking about four more straight to DVD movies either - we're talking about 26 new episodes on Comedy Central. You still don't believe us? We don't blame you. We're sorry we ever told you we're half-brothers with Coolio. Trust restored.
Remember 2003? Sure it was a long time ago - but let us jog your memory. The sky outside was often gray and dreary, flowers refused to bloom and the Internet bed linen industry absolutely boomed because bedridden people were too depressed to drop turd all the way over in the toilet. Well no more - because Futurama has been un-cancelled. And we're not talking about four more straight to DVD movies either - we're talking about 26 new episodes on Comedy Central. You still don't believe us? We don't blame you. We're sorry we ever told you we're half-brothers with Coolio. Trust restored.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 Adorable Potential Child Labour Violations
Kids today. They don't know they're born. Just look at the tots on the inexplicably popular Jon & Kate Plus 8. When we were younger, we'd earn our pocket money by getting up at 3am and delivering newspapers. Thanks to that, we lost four toes to frostbite and our spine now permanently tilts 35 degrees sideways. But the Jon & Kate Plus 8 kids have got it easy. All they have to do is be the unwitting emotional pawns in their parents' cruel and ongoing effort to commoditise their agonising divorce in a way that possibly contravenes child labour laws. The jammy bastards.
Kids today. They don't know they're born. Just look at the tots on the inexplicably popular Jon & Kate Plus 8. When we were younger, we'd earn our pocket money by getting up at 3am and delivering newspapers. Thanks to that, we lost four toes to frostbite and our spine now permanently tilts 35 degrees sideways. But the Jon & Kate Plus 8 kids have got it easy. All they have to do is be the unwitting emotional pawns in their parents' cruel and ongoing effort to commoditise their agonising divorce in a way that possibly contravenes child labour laws. The jammy bastards.
It’s Possible To Be Gay And Muslim… Even On EastEnders.
Middle-EastEnders is probably a big hit in the Islamic Republic of Iran... The show's writers traditionally shy away from the social taboos of go-karting, liking America or talking to women. The British however, have no such idea of tact and religious sensibility. Their version of the show often goes down like halal-packaged pork chops and recent developments in the East End will probably lead to nuclear winter. BBC soap, EastEnders, plans to feature a gay Muslim, played by an actor who is possibly taking his life into his own hands.
Middle-EastEnders is probably a big hit in the Islamic Republic of Iran... The show's writers traditionally shy away from the social taboos of go-karting, liking America or talking to women. The British however, have no such idea of tact and religious sensibility. Their version of the show often goes down like halal-packaged pork chops and recent developments in the East End will probably lead to nuclear winter. BBC soap, EastEnders, plans to feature a gay Muslim, played by an actor who is possibly taking his life into his own hands.
Everybody Watches Jon & Kate Plus 8. Literally Everybody
Jon & Kate Plus 8. It's the show that nobody knew existed until it was in some magazines and crap, and now everybody loves. And thanks to the tedious allegations of infidelity that have been rocking the Gosselin family since, oh, let's say the dawn of time, the first episode of the new Jon & Kate Plus 8 season has drawn in record viewers for its network TLC. In total, 9.8 million rubberneckers tuned into Jon & Kate Plus 8. That's 9.7 million higher than TLC's record - an episode of Mystery Diagnosis about a woman who thought she was being followed around by a goat.
Jon & Kate Plus 8. It's the show that nobody knew existed until it was in some magazines and crap, and now everybody loves. And thanks to the tedious allegations of infidelity that have been rocking the Gosselin family since, oh, let's say the dawn of time, the first episode of the new Jon & Kate Plus 8 season has drawn in record viewers for its network TLC. In total, 9.8 million rubberneckers tuned into Jon & Kate Plus 8. That's 9.7 million higher than TLC's record - an episode of Mystery Diagnosis about a woman who thought she was being followed around by a goat.
Richard And Judy Quit: University Messageboards Flooded With Ironic Sadness
“The Earth will tremble with terrible Quaking, sulphorous Ffires will consumeth the Living, and nightmarish Beasts of all persuasion shall stalk the Barren Plains. Oh, and verily shallt Richard and Judy be cast off the telly.” Nostradamus there, from one of his lesser known tracts describing the End of Times. Well, don’t go making any plans for your holidays this year, because the twin colossi of televisual babyfood have called it a day. So expect endless earthquakes, and the whole of France to be consumed by lava any time soon. Not all bad news, then.
“The Earth will tremble with terrible Quaking, sulphorous Ffires will consumeth the Living, and nightmarish Beasts of all persuasion shall stalk the Barren Plains. Oh, and verily shallt Richard and Judy be cast off the telly.” Nostradamus there, from one of his lesser known tracts describing the End of Times. Well, don’t go making any plans for your holidays this year, because the twin colossi of televisual babyfood have called it a day. So expect endless earthquakes, and the whole of France to be consumed by lava any time soon. Not all bad news, then.
