TV News

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

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Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful.

His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity - it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence.

But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared - like some sort of maniac - that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.

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Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

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It was written that this day would come.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85,000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* hotel-funded conspiracy.

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The all singing, all dancing, bald, umbrella-wielding straw-dog of the world’s media Britney Spears is all set to re-plaster her face across the ever-stretching, mind-sucking abyss of America’s TV screens.

You will once again get to look back at her and respond to what she says and does, as if she were actually in your front room with you!

Imagine that. All you need do is squint and someone as famous as Britney Spears will be hanging out with a dirty, little, scum-sucking prole like you - as if it were the most natural thing in the world!

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Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF‘ (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit.

This is no doubt something to do with hecklerspray’s article last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

“There were less than 40 people there.”

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazis were? They’ve certainly got more power.

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Neil Patrick Harris has responded to yesterday’s Associated Press article which suggested he would like Britney Spears banned from the set of How I Met Your Mother by saying what he meant to say was that Britney is welcome back anytime!

That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Why on one day (yesterday) would someone say: “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed”, and then one day later (today) say: “As I have said all along, Britney did a great job on the show. She really did. In fact, we are all hoping that she returns rather soon to reprise her role as Abby”?

What could have happened to change Neil’s mind so drastically in such a short space of time? Hmmm…

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Everyone’s favourite spoilt slag, Paris Hilton, is refusing to meet the candidates who are competing to become her BFF (best friend forever).

Instead the candidates will first have to pass an interview with two of the casting directors of MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’.

According to the Metro, the premise of the show is this: ‘hot bitches’ and ‘fabulously fierce guys’ – or ‘girls’ and ‘gay fellas’ as they were once known – battle it out to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend forever.

Forever!

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Helio Castroneves, yesterday’s spangly winner on TV’s Dancing With The Stars, is today’s unlucky loser in love, following the news that he has been poleaxed by erstwhile fiancée Aliette Vazquez.

The engagement was called off within a day of Castroneves’ dancefest glory. He was dumped after six years by Vazquez, who kept schtum so as not to affect the outcome of the reality show. They were engaged for about a year.

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You know what our dear old grandad used to say about life? He told us "you only get what you give." Or maybe it was "you only get what opportunities are afforded to you by your socio-economic background." One or the other.

Anyway, the gist of the message was that - to make it anywhere in this crazy old world of ours - it's always a good idea to be nice to people. Take that incident with hecklerspray and the postman, for example. If we hadn't been so consistently charming to him over the years, he would probably have reported those 'special' magazines we had delivered to the relevant local authorities. Yes, siree - being friendly sure does pay off.

Not that anyone has ever told Victoria Beckham this.

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There’s not much that TV can teach you.

Lost - how to have a fight on a beach and talk a bit cryptic whenever someone asks a question. The Sopranos - how to get fat and beat people up. Sex In The City - how to be a waffling self-obsessed fool who no doubt considers Bridget Jones Diary to be ‘like, rilly, rilly incredible.’

Yet CSI is an entirely different matter.

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Sometimes TV show titles can be misleading.

When hecklerspray first heard of The Simple Life, for instance, we envisaged a fly on the wall documentary chronicling the exploits of a bunch of Adam Sandler fans, all sat in a cinema, clapping their hands with delight and whooping about how ‘the silly man pulled funny faces and then fell over and did a poo’.

But no. The Simple Life - as regular trash TV experts will inform you - was a show that featured squillionaire ’socialite’ Paris Hilton wandering around, trying to pull off even the most menial of everyday tasks and failing miserably, thereby proving that there is definitely - definitely - no real reason for her to be alive.

Ironically the title of the show was in no way related to mental deficiency. Unlike the upcoming ITV project Vernon Kay’s All-Stupid Pleb-Happy Goo-Goo Spakfest.

Anyway - enough of this banter. The real reason we’ve summoned you here is to impart the following information: that young Paris Hilton and her similarly pointless sister Nicky are soon to feature in their very own cartoon series.

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