TV Gossip

It's become quite sad how strapped for ideas Hollywood has become. Not content with raiding everything from our childhoods - Transformers, Thundercats, The Smurfs - and not even leaving it alone after travesties such as Starsky and Hutch or Miami Vice, the top bods have had to look to things that haven't even left the collective consciousness of the public.

Take the Sex and the City movie, for example. Rehashing a series that had finished on TV less than five years previously seemed to hecklerspray as something of a cynical cash-in. And it worked. Did it ever work . So who can blame the struggling execs in tinseltown for turning to another much-loved TV property with a push at converting it for the big screen, even though the topsoil on its grave is still fresh?

Yes, friends, there are rumours they're re-doing Friends. But for now, even though everyone in the world seems to be harping on about it, these rumours are nothing but that. There may be hope yet.

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It's difficult to imagine what sort of corporate environment Heather Mills would flourish within - Widely Despised Monoped GoldDiggers Inc, perhaps, or Beatle Fleecers PLC.

That hasn't stopped suspiciously-haired zillionaire Donald Trump from name-dropping Ms. Mills in relation to the new series of US show The Celebrity Apprentice, however.

After the last batch of episodes featured such luminaries as Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons and that bloke who was shot on a boat in The Sopranos, Trump has confirmed that several wannabes have been angling for a slot in the new run… and that the ex-Ms. McCartney was among them.

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Isn't it weird, one minute you want her out - the next you want her back? Suddenly, without Alex, everyone is getting on. Rubbish!
 
At 12.40 this morning, everyone bar Mr & Mrs Boring Old Fart, were sitting at the kitchen table talking about their families.

They were playing a guess-the-amount-of-siblings game, which made paint drying an interesting prospect.

And Mohamed's insistence on recreating the Family Fortunes wrong-answer buzzer was as annoying as Teletubby Kat's constant mystified look.
 
Then they ramped the game up. "Where do we all live," someone piped up. And it turns out Mikey lives live 30 miles from Glasgow, while Rachel is from somewhere in Wales.

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Relax, the vile Alex has left the building. She’s gone and better off forgotten, to be honest.

She had been favourite with Paddy Power to go first this Friday, but now there will be no vote eviction at all. But there is a downside to that…

Alex being hauled out for being continually offensive to her fellow housemates means the fake Italian slimeball Mario (really called Shaun) looks safe for another week.

But, hang on, there is hope. Paddy Power are offering odds of 5/4 that Mario is the next to go. And that’s a day I really can’t wait for.

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Outrageously two-faced Alexandra’s time in the house must be up.

Surely it’s all over for the whining cow. Let’s get rid as soon as she’s up for eviction. But hang on, Paddy Power thinks she might walk (4/1).

Now wouldn’t that be a bonus. We could get rid of Mario too then.

These two need to go as soon as possible. They are beyond entertaining now.

They have become galling to watch. Alexandra’s outburst about housemates talking behind other housemates’ backs highlighted her obvious insanity, while Mario has reached all-time record-breaking levels of creepiness this week.

Watching him sitting in the bath with his products and his anti-trophy wife exfoliating was quite disgusting. Not for the first time this series, that man made me feel ill.

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“The lines are closed. The votes have been verified. And I can now reveal that the first person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is… Stephanie!”

And with that went my chance of making any money out of Paddy Power this week!

I had my lolly on creepy Mario and his plastic wife Lisa. Surely that was a banker of a bet? But no - the voting public thought otherwise and ousted pretty young thing Steph, the only one to really stand up to the gruesome twosome and their childish bullying.

Apart from those two sad acts, she was probably the only one who expected her name to be called by Davina, too. The faces of the others told that story quite clearly.

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Here we go - it’s the first eviction night and one of the Wedding Task four will get kicked out of the Big Brother house.

Paddy Power think it’s going to be Mario (1-3). In fact, they are so sure, you can already place bets on such things as what he is going to do after leaving the house, how many times he’ll mention girlfriend Lisa in his eviction speech, and who he will say he wants to win. Unsurprisingly, Lisa is the favourite for that.

Give me a break, in fact, we wish it was Lisa leaving tonight. And at 25-1, I’m putting a shiny pound on such an outcome – in hope rather than expectation, admittedly.

Steph is 2-1 and Luke an outsider at 66-1.

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I’m afraid for poor, old blind Scot Mikey!

Seriously, how the hell’s he going to survive in the Big Brother house without his trusty guide dog Mario? Surely he’s gonna be crashing round the place, banging into things and crying a lot?

Mario, of course, is up for eviction - and Paddy Power have him at 2/1 and their second favourite to get the chop after Steph, his fake wife. So it seems Mario’s carefully thought out strategy of leading the blind guy around hasn’t had the effect he so desired. It hasn’t made him look like Mr Caring at all. Just a bit of a cock.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more blindingly obvious and see-through ploy to win votes. The Sun, bless their corporate socks, called “Beefcake” Mario, a “big bully” yesterday, while I prefer “twat”.

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In an act of betrayal not matched since the Italians turned their backs on the Nazis in World War Two, or when Sol Campbell moved to Arsenal from Tottenham on a free transfer in the cold, dark summer of 2001, Sharon Osbourne, who recently parted company with long time friend ITV, is preparing to jump in bed with the BBC.

Sharon recently quit ITV1’s X Factor because of something about money. She wasn’t getting her cut of the phone-in vote or something (just joking Sharon). Whatever, she left them, and it doesn’t look like she’s going back.

But then again she’s no doubt said that to Ozzy a few dozen times over the years. And yet, no matter how big the betrayal, she still remains by his side.

The poor fella - as if being a human vibrator wasn’t enough to live with without that over-opinionated ear-ache hanging about the place.

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Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

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Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful.

His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity - it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence.

But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared - like some sort of maniac - that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.

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Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

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