TV Gossip

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

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Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful.

His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity - it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence.

But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared - like some sort of maniac - that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.

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Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

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It was written that this day would come.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85,000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* hotel-funded conspiracy.

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The all singing, all dancing, bald, umbrella-wielding straw-dog of the world’s media Britney Spears is all set to re-plaster her face across the ever-stretching, mind-sucking abyss of America’s TV screens.

You will once again get to look back at her and respond to what she says and does, as if she were actually in your front room with you!

Imagine that. All you need do is squint and someone as famous as Britney Spears will be hanging out with a dirty, little, scum-sucking prole like you - as if it were the most natural thing in the world!

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Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF‘ (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit.

This is no doubt something to do with hecklerspray’s article last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

“There were less than 40 people there.”

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazis were? They’ve certainly got more power.

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Neil Patrick Harris has responded to yesterday’s Associated Press article which suggested he would like Britney Spears banned from the set of How I Met Your Mother by saying what he meant to say was that Britney is welcome back anytime!

That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Why on one day (yesterday) would someone say: “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed”, and then one day later (today) say: “As I have said all along, Britney did a great job on the show. She really did. In fact, we are all hoping that she returns rather soon to reprise her role as Abby”?

What could have happened to change Neil’s mind so drastically in such a short space of time? Hmmm…

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Everyone’s favourite spoilt slag, Paris Hilton, is refusing to meet the candidates who are competing to become her BFF (best friend forever).

Instead the candidates will first have to pass an interview with two of the casting directors of MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’.

According to the Metro, the premise of the show is this: ‘hot bitches’ and ‘fabulously fierce guys’ – or ‘girls’ and ‘gay fellas’ as they were once known – battle it out to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend forever.

Forever!

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This morning we woke up in an unusually delicious mood knowing that, by bedtime, Dr Phil would have single-handedly solved all of Britney Spears' crazy problems on his downhome self-help TV show.

It was an exciting thought - that maybe by the time we tucked ourselves up in our one big communal hecklerspray bed (head-to-toe, we're not perverts) - Dr Phil would have restored factory settings on Britney Spears, reverting her back into the Britney we love best, the provocatively-virginal schoolgirl who dressed up in pigtails and a miniskirt and asked grown men to hit her. But sadly that hasn't happened because Dr Phil has cancelled today's scheduled Britney Spears episode as a result, citing pressure from the Spears family.

Lesson learnt, Dr Phil has decided to instead do a show entitled Fine, But Don't Come Running To Me Next Time Your Minge Is All Over The Internet.

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What with the upcoming UK ban on smoking in bars - and, coming soon, no drinking or talking or smiling - you’d think that Britain was a nation determined to give up its vices.

Yet one of them remains. The guiltiest, dirtiest pleasure of them all. That’s right - the new series of 24 has hit our shores.

Don’t worry. This isn’t going to be one of those ’spoiler’ pieces. hecklerspray agrees that there’s nothing worse than someone who is a 24 week ahead of you babbling on about all the crazy things that Jack Bauer has done - which is why the best (and only) way to enjoy 24 remains waiting until the DVD season boxset comes out and watching it all in one go like a big scary heroin addict.

The big question is ever-present, however. Come the inevitable final season, how in god’s name are the 24 producers going to come up with a suitably explosive ending? How can they build a definitive climax to a show which will happily blow up a train within five minutes of the opening episode?

Fear not. Kiefer Sutherland has an idea.

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Maureen Lipman – British Telecom’s Beattie character from the 80s adverts - has landed a role as a baddie in an episode of Doctor Who, while Tom Baker who played the famous doctor in the 70s is to be BT’s voice of text messages on UK landlines.

Maureen is to play an invading extra terrestrial in an episode of legendary show Doctor Who, in a role which forces the Doctor – played by actor David Tennant – to run around like a mental mad man trying to save the world from yet another special effects-laden disaster.

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Paris Hilton gets all sorts of free publicity these days: Car wrecks, bulimia allegations from her friends and broken engagements are just a few. The latest one she has absolutely nothing to do with. Sort of.

Prior arrestee and borderline artist Joe Moretti is a regular guy living in middle class Rhode Island.  On his front lawn he put up life size pics of Paris Hilton in several poses, wearing skimpy pink clothing, big boots, and probably not hunching face first into a toilet after a big meal.

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