TV Betting

On Sunday's Dancing On Ice, Holly Willoughby told us that "This week, things get serious."

Sound familiar? It should do, because if you listen to Dancing on Ice, then things have been getting serious ever since that cleaner woman was still it. We thought things were already serious, but now we hear that things only got serious on Sunday? We can't tell you how embarrassed that makes us feel. The only way that Holly Willoughby can fix this mess is for her to open this week's Dancing On Ice by announcing that things are getting significantly less serious this week, and that everyone's basically just going to dick around for an hour. Then we'll feel better.

Who'll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Suzanne Shaw, with help from Paddy Power…

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If you saw Dancing On Ice on Sunday, you'll have noticed that nobody mentioned the night's theme. Well, we're here to tell you that the Dancing On Ice theme was, in fact, Everyone Is Rubbish Night.

Honestly, Sunday's Dancing On Ice represented the highest density of cock-ups in an hour since Denis Norden skidded around a stage coated with vaginal lubricant while trying to present It'll Be Alright On The Night 184. Greg fell over, Linda almost got dropped on her head, Zaraah looked terrified and Chris Fountain didn't injure himself so badly that he had to leave the show. Like we said, a disaster all round.

But who'll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Zaraah Abrahams, with help from Paddy Power…

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If you heard a desperate wail at about 9pm last night, chances are it came from a middle-aged man distraught that Linda Lusardi had got knocked out of Dancing On Ice.

Having got her best score of the series last week, Linda Lusardi was buoyed up with confidence for last night's routine to Suddenly I See - something she displayed by knackering her partner's wrist and almost slicing his ears off in rehearsals, and then scrabbling around upside down trying to grab at his trousers like a surprisingly niche prostitute during the actual routine itself and the skate-off. Still, at least Linda Lusardi managed to get one reference to her tits in before she went home - so at least it wasn't a completely upsetting day for the middle-aged Lusardi fans.

So now there's no more Linda Lusardi, who'll win Dancing on Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Greg Rusedski, with help from Paddy Power…

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Dancing On Ice being on a Sunday now has ruined us. Now we spend all weekend with our nose pressed against a clock screaming "Hurry up! Hurry up Dancing On Ice!" and then, when Dancing On Ice is over, the weekend is as well. Rubbish.

But, ahead of Sunday's new Dancing On Ice, do we have any clues about what the show will contain? No. No we don't. If we did even the slightest amount of research beforehand then maybe we would, but we didn't so we don't. So instead we'll just guess that Sunday's Dancing On Ice is Scandinavian Death Metal Night and the required element involves kitten sacrifice. It's probably right.

Who'll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Gareth Gates and Chris Fountain, with help from Paddy Power…

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The idea of Dancing On Ice is just so brilliant, isn't it?

It's like watching normal celebrities dance, but on a slippery surface with huge metal blades strapped to their feet. That's great - but it's not perfect. The number of ways for celebrities to injure themselves could be increased so easily. Dancing On Ice is good, but Dancing On Spinning Ice With Landmines And Circular Saws That Randomly Swing Across Your Path is clearly better. We hope you're writing this down, ITV.

Anyway, who's going to win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Suzanne Shaw, With help from Paddy Power…

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Dancing On Ice is really hotting up now, although sadly not to the extent where the ice melts and all the contestants drown.

And the pressure is on for everyone, including the Dancing On Ice judges. On Sunday the Dancing On Ice judge that looks like the baddie from Lost had a fight with the Dancing On Ice judge who looks like Skeletor over the scoring system. Well, we say it was a fight - it was actually just the judges mumbling  at each other a bit, but if Dancing On Ice can call it a fight then we bloody well can as well.

So who'll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Zaraah Abrahams, with help from Paddy Power…

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The Dancing On Ice theme nights keep coming - first it was Dancing On Ice On Broadway and on Sunday we were treated to Sixties Night.

Now don't get confused - although Sixties Night might make it sound as if the whole show revolved around music from the 1960s, it was in fact a polite nod to the Dancing On Ice viewers, who are all in their sixties and have to wear 60 pairs of pants of pants at night because they've started to wet the bed and they don't want any wee to seep through to the mattress. Just thought we'd clear that up early on.

But anyway, who's going to win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Linda Lusardi, with help from Paddy Power…

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It had to happen sooner or later - after a month of being told he's a great big graceless clot, Steve Backley was voted off Dancing On Ice last night.

Perhaps the fact that Steve Backley wasn't completely hopeless during his routine to My Girl last night did him in. After all, everyone loves the underdog, especially the underdog with no real sense of timing or balance - but as soon as Steve started to show an ounce of skill, the fun went out of it. Take the fun away and what are you left with? A boring routine performed by a giant dressed in a £2.99 Clare's Accessories purse, that's what.

So who'll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Greg Rusedski, with help from Paddy Power…

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We're getting that crushing feeling in our chest again - and that impending feeling of doom - we're either having a heart attack or a new episode of Dancing On Ice is coming up.

And, sadly for all of us, our heart is fine. So what can we expect from Sunday's new Dancing On Ice? Well, dancing. And ice. And tits. And bad music. And horrible make-up. And that, we're pretty sure, covers it completely.

But who's going to win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Chris Fountain, with help from Paddy Power…

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Time for some more Dancing On Ice betting odds? You bet your balls it is.

Actually, although we've been hard on Dancing On Ice lately, we've come to realise that actually it serves a decent purpose - usually when people win these celebrity shows they try and get their own TV show, but not with Dancing On Ice. With Dancing On Ice, the winners tend to go off and ice skate for a living, like Kyran Bracken did last year. And nobody ever hears from them again. So, in theory, if everyone votes for Chris Fountain to win Dancing On Ice, he'll quickly disappear forever. Bonus!

Who'll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Suzanne Shaw and Gareth Gates, with help from Paddy Power…

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You know what we're slowly coming to realise? That Dancing On Ice is only really about one thing.

And that's Holly Willoughby's knockers. Seriously, everything else about Dancing On Ice is by the by. Steve Backley could burst into flames on the ice and nobody would ever notice because the entire world would be too preoccupied with Holly Willoughby's tits. And everyone on Dancing On Ice seems to know it, too - on Sunday's show Holly Willoughby didn't even bother brushing her hair or doing her make up properly, and nobody noticed because she had two-thirds of her boobs hanging out.

Anyway, who'll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Zaraah Abrahams, with help from Paddy Power…

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As Philip Schofield forcefully told us on Sunday night, this is the moment when Dancing On Ice gets serious.

Yes, now that Dancing On Ice is halfway through, things are serious. Serious and intimidating. Which all sounds very fearsome, until you realise that what Schofield is actually talking about is a C-list reality show about spangly lycra and nasty hair extensions. And if lycra and bad hair is serious, then our local gym must be holding a nationwide conference about post-structuralist philosophy for grieving widows.

Who'll win Dancing on Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Greg Rusedski and Linda Lusardi, with help from Paddy Power…

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