The Celebrity Shitter

According to daily proletarian rag The Sun, supermodel Cindy Crawford has demanded £7000 fees to appear at a Romanian fundraising benefit for children with Leukaemia.

The mole-spotted clothes horse has apparently great wads of cash to cover "travel and living costs for the trip, including paying for a jet to fly her to the European country and all her hotel bills".

The charity - Valente Umane - is hoping to raise £100,000 to help seriously ill children. Just think - if they’d agreed to give Crawford her pound of flesh, she would have been on a whopping seven-percent stake.

(more…)

Gap-toothed Valkyrie Madonna (CDs) has revealed that - when it comes to her family life - she is constantly embroiled in a never-ending game of ‘good cop, bad cop‘… in which she takes the Dirty Harry (DVD) role.

It would seem that Madge - who once made a video in which she danced around a field of burning crosses before giving Jesus a good seeing to - is determined to reinvent herself once more, this time as a strict prim-and-proper matriarch. Kind of like Barbara Woodhouse. Except without the yapping little dogs.

(more…)

Curly-topped KnightRider (DVDs) star David Hasselhoff (DVDs) - a man so cheesy he would make an exploding Parmesan factory look a little tame - has revealed how utterly amazed he was with a female admirer who "tried to kill herself to get his attention".

The troubled young lady was apparently distraught at the fact that she had no direct route with which to talk to The Hoff, and therefore decided - obviously - that the best way to grab Dave’s attention would be to throw herself out of a high-storey window.

(more…)

Scary-eyed old Christ-addict and all-round heterosexual Cliff Richard (CDs) has revealed the secret of his youthful looks. "It’s true," he admitted, probably while flashing that vacant grin of his. "I’ve had botox."

"I want to carry on looking good," he said of his decision to undergo the procedure (which involves injecting the wrinkle-smoothing stuff directly into the patients’s crumpled face). Well, Cliff, if you define "looking good" as having those bland features of yours scraped of what little character they have, then… yeah. You’re bang on the money.

(more…)

Russell Crowe (DVDs/CDs) is swiftly becoming something of a hecklerspray regular fixture. His patented brand of grizzly Auzzie swearing and irrational violent outbursts is never anything less than a crowdpleaser. Especially when that crowd wants to point and laugh at him.

Chuckle-glands on standby, then … because good old Russ has now revealed that he very nearly became embroiled in the weird and wonderful world of Scientology.

(more…)

hecklerspray firing-range favourite Jordan (or Katie Price should you wish to address the dingy-lipped tit monster by it’s birth name) has utterly failed to surprise anyone by announcing yet another badly-judged and pointless publicity stunt.

The wedding cake for her upcoming nuptials with Peter Andre - an event about as highly anticipated as Jimmy Carr’s autobiography or Daredevil 2: Affleck Gets Sillier - is to be baked into the shape of (guess, go on. You’ll be right) a giant pair of tits!

Tits! Do you see what she’s done there? Honestly, somebody had better go find hecklerspray a sewing kit, because we think our sides just split.

Jordan has apparently been "working on the design with a firm in Brighton, which has been told to come up with a special recipe". A special recipe, eh? Well, here are a few ideas: dog turds and broken glass, maybe? Angry wasps and boiling Polyfilla? Rotting liver and Brigitte Niesen’s pube-trimmings?

Or maybe just plain old poison will work just fine.

Click On Over To Ananova

[story by C J Davies]

(more…)

Celebrity Big Brother’s Kenzie - also a member of the Blazin’ Squad, that peculiar combination of pop-group-meets-school-trip-that-got-out-of-hand - has decided that the world is ready for his no-doubt scintillating life story.

James MacKenzie - as the new, serious Kenzie will probably want to be known - is about to release a ’scrapbook format’ retrospective of his epic 19 years. Entitled My Life (surely an oxymoron), the Kenster will apparently reveal details about his time in the Big Brother house and … actually, that’s about it.

(more…)

In a supremely post-modern turn of events, the owners of infamous Paris Hilton grubflick One Night In Paris (oh, very clever) have begun filing lawsuits against people who are duplicating and selling illegal copies of Ms. Hilton’s bedtime antics.

Porn baron David Joseph is reportedly seeking a whopping three million dollars in damages from California Paris  Porn Pirate Mordechi Kattan.

(more…)

Ok. So hecklerspray is still in its infancy. But - let’s be honest - we’re all grown-up enough now to start our own ‘campaign.’ Aren’t we? Well?

Daniel Bedingfield. He called his album Second First Impressions. Let’s do something about him…

(more…)

Uh oh, BITCHFEST ALERT. Shitney Queers seems to think that her dog is better than the one owned by Paris Hilton.

As far as hecklerspray is concerned, a dog needs to be able to retain at least some dignity for it to be a dog, much less run after cats and fetch sticks. No decent, honourable, dignified dog would be seen dead in a handbag. A dead dog might make a good handbag, but that’s another story.

Fact: these little toy dogs aren’t really dogs at all. They are in fact slavering pine cones, disguised as shitty little creatures with crap ears.

Link: Ananova - Britney Slags Off Paris’ Mutt.