Television

Strictly Come Dancing recaps! Come on, not many left. That has to be a good thing, right?

Actually, we’ve noticed a horrifying trend in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. John Sergeant left Strictly Come Dancing and he released a Christmas single. Christine Bleakley left Strictly Come Dancing and she released a Christmas single. So here’s the plan - let’s make Rachel Stevens win Strictly Come Dancing, because the last thing we need is any more hapless wailing coming out of her gob. OK?

Good. Then here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

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The contents of the Britney Spears documentary, Britney: Buy My Record, were perhaps the worst-kept secret in history.

To be fair, everyone knew what to expect anyway - 90 minutes of Britney Spears going “Cuh! What happened THERE? Lorks a-lummy, I went proper bananas for a while, didn’t I? Oh well, I’m better now. Buy my record” - but that didn’t stop all the interesting parts of the documentary creeping out weeks ago.

But now that Britney: Have I Told You About My Record has been aired in America, we now know everything that happened in it from start to finish. So what did happen in Britney: You Know What’d Make A Lovely Christmas Present For All Your Loved Ones? My Record? Nothing. It turns out that people weren’t leaking the interesting parts of the documentary, just the bits where Britney Spears used actual identifiable words.

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Last week was huge for Rosie O’Donnell - and not because it’s the only week where everyone gets to eat as much as she usually does.

Instead, it marked Rosie O’Donnell’s big return to TV. Last week saw the premiere of Rosie Live - a big balls-out, unashamedly old-fashioned variety show hosted by Rosie O’Donnell. And Rosie Live would have been great, too, if only more than about four people watched it, and those who did watch it didn’t hate it.

So, with a heavy heart, Rosie O’Donnell took to the internet this weekend to announce that there would be no more Rosie Live. But, undeterred, Rosie O’Donnell has sworn to return to TV soon with a format that suits her better. Working titles for that show include Rosie’s Hour Of Screaming, Rosie Puts You Off Your Dinner, Rosie Punches The Homeless, Rosie Kicks Down People’s Doors With A Knife In Her Mouth and Not Rosie.

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Thanks to his talent for shuffling around on a shiny floor, panting and wheezing like a saggy weeble having a coronary, John Sergeant has never been more popular.

And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes - he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona’s place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That’s a dealbreaker.

But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo… what? John Sergeant isn’t too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he’s bringing out a Christmas single? And it’s a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here’s a challenge - you’ve got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won’t be able to.
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Strictly Come Dancing is going down to the wire now, and only the best dancers can survive. Christine Bleakley, for those of you who have joined the party late, wasn’t one of the best dancers.

Some will blame Christine’s lack of technical ability for her Strictly Come Dancing exit last night. Some will blame the frightening Meatloaf haircut she sported during her first dance of the night. Us? We’re pinning Christine’s failure solely on the fact that she hired Felicity Kendal as an acting coach this week. Felicity blinking Kendal. Oh, if only her dances were about short muddy women from the 1970s, yesterday’s result could have been so very different.

But still, Christine Bleakley is out of Strictly Come Dancing, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

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Is Mariah Carey pregnant? Mariah Carey says “What? Me? Pregnant? Um, I’m, er, hey! Look over there! Balloons!”

Or words to that effect, anyway. We’ve been hearing a few rumours recently suggesting that Mariah Carey and her still husband Nick Cannon have got a baby on the way. And despite her prickly diva reputation, Mariah Carey is only to happy to directly address these rumours.

OK, not completely directly. But Mariah Carey will break into a deep sweat, shuffle awkwardly in her seat, giggle nervously, spout all kinds of tangential gibberish and look around anxiously for someone, anyone, who can put an end to the torture she’s going through if you do happen to ask her about pregnancy. Which, by chance, is exactly what Mariah Carey did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today.

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Time for our last Strictly Come Dancing recap of the week. But don’t be sad - we’ll be back again. And again. And again. Like a recurring nightmare in many ways.

This Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing is going to be one of the hardest-fought yet, and we can’t wait. Mainly it’s because Lisa Snowdon will probably get voted into the dance-off again and she’ll cry, and we get off on watching broken women. Seriously. We do. We’re not joking. We actually do.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Rachel Stevens and Austin Healey…

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The Dancing With The Stars final is always bittersweet - sweet because Dancing With The Stars is over, and bitter because we have to write about it.

But that’s not important, because last night the brand new Dancing With The Stars champion was named as Brooke Burke, a woman primarily famous for winning Dancing With The Stars just now, and nothing else. Nothing else at all. Ever. Seriously, ever.

Anyway, Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars last night because she had a violent epileptic fit and thrashed about like a leashed animal trying to fight off an army of ghost bees. Oh, wait, no - we meant to say that it was because her freestyle dance was better than the freestyle dances by the gay one from ‘N Sync and some other bloke we’ve never heard of. Our mistake.

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And here’s another batch of Strictly Come Dancing recaps. Would you expect anything less from us? You would? Oh.

We’re getting towards the end of Strictly Come Dancing now and, as such, only the strongest competitors are left in the running. Well, the strongest competitors and Christine Bleakley, who is clearly worse than everyone else but keeps getting voted through by the public. We think that means she’ll have resigned by Friday.

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers…

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Strictly Come Dancing is just a few weeks from being over, so let’s celebrate that with some Strictly Come Dancing recaps.

As well as chucking out Jodie Kidd, Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing also marked the last dance by John Sergeant after his controversial resignation last week. And, if anything, it only strengthened our crush on his dance partner Kristina Rihanoff. After all, who doesn’t love a girl who can’t even go three poxy seconds without breaking down in tears like some sort of monstrous goon? Sexy.

So here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley…

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