Television

These midweek lulls between Strictly Come Dancing worry us - but not because we like Strictly Come Dancing or anything.

No, instead the only contact we have with Strictly Come Dancing at this point is with Strictly Come Dancing It Takes Two, and that’s what worries us. This isn’t just the start of Strictly Come Dancing’s annual season, you know - it’s the start of hecklerspray’s annual inexplicable and totally regrettable ‘thing for Claudia Winkleman’ season, too. Pray for us, readers.

Anyway, back to the recap of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. Today we’re looking at Gary Rhodes…

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Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus a star - well, to be more accurate it was Hannah Montana, constant implied teenage nudity and a creepy dad.

But for now let’s just assume that Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus famous. It was a great set-up - Disney got hundreds of millions of dollars and Miley Cyrus got to be brought up surrounded by people all too scared to ever disagree with her, giving her dangerously false expectations for the rest of her life - but there may be trouble on the horizon.

Rumour has it that Miley Cyrus feels she’s got too big for Hannah Montana and is trying to get fired from the show. However, Disney has shot down these reports and has promised all the young fans that Miley Cyrus will remain on Hannah Montana forever. Nice try, Miley. Don’t you know that the only way to leave a creatively stifling kid’s TV show is to get pregnant? Did Jamie Lynn Spears teach you nothing?

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Chances are you’re not as excited as we are about the return of Strictly Come Dancing. How excited are we? Quite excited. Beat that, losers.

What are we excited about? To see if Don Warrington can improve his form following his near dismissal from Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday? No. We want to see if Lisa Snowdon actually loves herself as she was making out on this week’s show. Dear God, we hope she doesn’t. That’d be obscene.

Anyway, we should really crack on with our Strictly Come Dancing recap of Saturday’s show. So here it is, and today we’re looking at Austin Healy and Mark Foster…

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Everyone loves the Emmys. They’re just like The Oscars, only duller and so full of Ryan Seacrest that even his own mother sort of gets bored of looking at him by the end.

The Emmys took place last night, and they were a special Emmys, too - the 60th anniversary of the ceremony. So which megawatt uberstar got to mark this prestigious moment? The fanny-faced bloke from Deal Or No Deal, that’s who. And Ryan Seacrest. Naturally.

But, hey, who won at the Emmys last night? Well, Mad Men picked up the most prestigious award! And 30 Rock scooped several others! And blah! And snore! And honk! And fleurgh!

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Strictly Come Dancing is back! Woo! And it’s hijacking about 15 hours of your weekend again! Woo! And Phil Daniels isn’t in it any more! Woo!

On yesterday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Phil Daniels was thrown out after the dance-off. It’s not a tremendous surprise - his waltz to I Have Nothing was utterly devoid of interest apart from the way that his partner had a couple of ferrets stapled to his arms and at one point he looked a bit like a butler running for his life through a rat infestation - but he’ll be sadly missed. Well, not sadly. And he’s not going to be missed much, either. Oh well.

But who the hell does that leave in Strictly Come Dancing? And how did they do this weekend? Here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers and Don Warrington…

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Watching Cheryl Cole on X Factor, chances are all you see is a phenomenal amount of make-up and a voice that makes you want to scratch your own spine off.

But what you don’t see is the sadness behind Cheryl Cole’s eyes. The sadness of a woman whose husband got hammered on booze once and ended up having all sorts of depraved puke-sex with a slapper who wasn’t her.

Actually you can’t see that at all any more, because Cheryl Cole isn’t sad at all. In an appearance on Jonathan Ross to be shown on Friday, Cheryl Cole wore her wedding ring and told everyone that she’s patched up her marriage once and for all. The moral of this story, obviously, is that true love endures. And that if you earn £100k a week you can probably get away with vomiting over a few slags every now and then.

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Sex and The City was a sitcom or something.

We never watched it, but it appears the main plot was bestiality based, as every episode contained 60 solid minutes of different men totally doing a big-nosed horse named Carrie.

Like we said, we never watched it.

Its target audience was perverted middle-aged women. It was so popular it spawned a movie that we think was about Spider-Man riding Carrie in several derbies, claiming swift victories everywhere they went. We never saw that one either.

Well if you loved the TV show, and you loved the movie - then you are totally gonna dig the two pre-teen Carrie-based books that are getting smeared all over Barnes & Noble really soon. That’s right - there are some novels about to come out about Carrie’s sexy adventures in high school.

Chapter one is about a horny janitor. Sorry to ruin plot.

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Sometimes the only way to say ‘mother, I’m afraid I’ve been having it off with a rough chap from church and now I’m bally well pregnant’ is in a letter.

And sometimes the only way to sell copies of your memoir about what a slapdash job you appear to have done of raising your children is to discuss that highly private letter on live TV.

Lynne Spears knows that only too well, because she’s been pimping her new book Britney Spears: My Part In Her Downfall by telling the Today show about the hilarious time that Jamie Lynn Spears was so eaten up by the crippling shame of her teenage pregnancy that she couldn’t even tell Lynne about it face to face and had to write a note instead - a note which left Lynne Spears weeping with uncontrollable anguish and the stark realisation that she’d unquestionably failed as a mother. Good times.

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As everyone knows, catching a puffin with a net, pulling its still-warm heart of of its body and eating it is one of the most erotic things a person can do.

Just look at Gordon Ramsay. Not so long ago Gordon Ramsay ate a puffin’s heart on his TV show The F Word just to show what a triumphant lord of sex he really is. But, would you believe it, 42 people found the sight of Gordon Ramsay chewing on the just-dead heart of a beloved seabird offensive enough to complain about.

Fortunately, though, Ofcom has decided that Gordon Ramsay didn’t break any rules and is free to film himself gorging on raw blood-splattered puffin organs as much as he likes. That’s lucky for Gordon Ramsay, because it’s easy food for him - every year millions of migrating puffins have found welcome shelter from bad weather within the deep crevices of his angry face.

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Fact: every conversation about Eurovision in recent years will have included the phrase “Oh, but it’s so political these days” at least 500 times.

That’s because it’s true. The Eurovision Song Contest has got so political these days. The proof? The UK hasn’t won Eurovision for over a decade, regardless of whether we’ve entered a rubbish holiday camp cabaret act or a hamfisted reality TV show runner-up. It’s a flipping disgrace.

But Eurovision won’t be political for much longer, because Eurovision bigwigs are bringing back national juries in a bid to end the tactical voting that’s destroyed the contest’s credibility in recent years. At last! Now when the UK comes last at next year’s Eurovision we’ll know for certain that it was because our entry was genuinely awful and not because everyone’s quite scared of Vladimir Putin.

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Your money used to fund Noel Edmonds you know - his gunge, his annoying sidekicks, his helicopter, his mansion and his funny little beard.

It doesn’t any more, though, and Noel Edmonds has got a right old cob on about it. Now that Noel’s made his ‘glorious comeback’ - which mainly involves ordering dimwits to open boxes on daytime Channel 4 and banging on about orbs of energy like some kind of swivel-eyed fairground huckster - he’s decided that everyone at the BBC is a great big idiot and so he doesn’t want to pay his licence fee any more.

So Noel Edmonds has stopped, because of what he describes as the BBC’s ‘threatening’ behaviour. It’s an impressive outburst, not least because the whole world - including Noel Edmonds - knows that Noel Edmonds would probably agree to host a show called Noel’s Donkey Masturbation And Anthrax Hour if it could be on BBC One again.

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Generally speaking, the cast of The Hills are such a bundle of obnoxiously overprivileged mimsies that they seem incapable of wiping their own bottoms by themselves.

But there’s always an exception to the rule, and in this case it’s Lauren Conrad. True, she might spend her entire life trapped in an oblivious richie rich bubble - a bubble that most sane people would like to take a flaming cricket bat to - but you can’t say that Lauren Conrad doesn’t possess basic English skills.

That’s because Lauren Conrad has just signed up to write three young adult fiction books that she totally would have been asked to write anyway even if she wasn’t on TV all the poxy time. We don’t know about you, but we think that these Lauren Conrad books are going to be the best young adult fiction books written by a woman we’ve never heard of from a TV show that we actively dislike ever. Yay for books!

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