Television

Some TV themes just refuse to go away and leave us in peace.

They are stuck in our heads forever. You could be innocently sitting in a bar or a pub having a nice drink, when someone’s annoying mobile starts playing the A-Team. Then, bang! You can’t get the damn tune out of your head. What makes it even worse is you don’t want to either.

Give it a few more hours (and a few more drinks) and you will annoyingly start shouting “a pity the fool” at your mates, who despite their protestations, also start to feel nostalgic and end up humming the tune on their drunken way home. It’s like torture.

Well, just to continue the cycle, hecklerspray has come up with 10 TV tunes from the glorious 80s for you to ponder. Now, some of the series started in the 70s. We are well of it, but we only picked the ones which subsequently ran during most of the 80s. Anyway, enjoy. If you can.

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We don’t really need to explain this one to you. Suffice to say: get ready for the esteem with which you may hold the human race to drop a notch.

Here we go - it’s the first eviction night and one of the Wedding Task four will get kicked out of the Big Brother house.

Paddy Power think it’s going to be Mario (1-3). In fact, they are so sure, you can already place bets on such things as what he is going to do after leaving the house, how many times he’ll mention girlfriend Lisa in his eviction speech, and who he will say he wants to win. Unsurprisingly, Lisa is the favourite for that.

Give me a break, in fact, we wish it was Lisa leaving tonight. And at 25-1, I’m putting a shiny pound on such an outcome – in hope rather than expectation, admittedly.

Steph is 2-1 and Luke an outsider at 66-1.

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Paddy Power reckon there’s a good chance that Steph (2-1) could be climbing the Big Brother stairs out of the house tomorrow.

It’s between her and favourite Mario (1/3), with his man-like girlfriend Lisa an outsider at 18-1 and northern salt-of-the-earth talent show host Luke safe as house. Mind you, that’s not saying much in this current climate?

I’m in two minds over Steph at the moment. One minute I can’t stand her sulky, open-mouth, incredulous face, the next I watch bewildered as she stands up to bully Alex while others around back off and shy away from confrontation.

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Paddy Power think Mario (4-9) will be the first to get kicked out of the big Brother house this Friday.

But his annoying girlfriend Lisa could be worth a bet to be the first one to be evicted from the Big Brother house at odds of 18-1.

Her Nine-And-A-Half Weeks performance with her chunky monkey boyfriend in the diary room sealed it for me. I felt quite sick watching her shove those strawberries into his big fat gob. She covered him in cream and chocolate, but not herself in glory.

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From DIETPIXIE- It seems nothing really can put Patrick Swayze in a corner.

Just a few months ago, the Dirty Dancing star had weeks to live after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. But it was reported this week that 55-year-old Patrick Swayze is actually returning to work.

Yes, you heard that right: cancer-stricken Patrick Swayze is going to be back on your TV screens very soon. Next year, in fact.

It’s not the first time he has been linked with a return. Only a couple of weeks ago, there were rumours he was to star in a sequel of the highly-successful surfing movie Point Break.

But he quickly denied that that was the case, which, of course, we all expected. I mean, he has cancer, right!?

However, this week Patrick Swayze confirmed he will be returning to work – in the TV show The Beast - after the doctors confirmed he is fit to resume work.

Fit to resume work? Pretty incredible! I mean this is not a bout of the flu – he has an aggressive form of pancreatic cancer, for God’s sake!

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I’m afraid for poor, old blind Scot Mikey!

Seriously, how the hell’s he going to survive in the Big Brother house without his trusty guide dog Mario? Surely he’s gonna be crashing round the place, banging into things and crying a lot?

Mario, of course, is up for eviction - and Paddy Power have him at 2/1 and their second favourite to get the chop after Steph, his fake wife. So it seems Mario’s carefully thought out strategy of leading the blind guy around hasn’t had the effect he so desired. It hasn’t made him look like Mr Caring at all. Just a bit of a cock.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more blindingly obvious and see-through ploy to win votes. The Sun, bless their corporate socks, called “Beefcake” Mario, a “big bully” yesterday, while I prefer “twat”.

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Remember when your parents used to tell that your childhood are the best days of your life?

First of all, why did they do that? Were they just jealous? What did they think you would do with that information? What are you supposed to say to that?

Secondly, as much as it hurts to admit it, they were right.

Sure, being an adult has its advantages, right? You couldn’t drive a car, get drunk (legally) or have sex (again legally) when you were a kid.

In fact, you had put up with quite a lot of crap as a youngster, like the whole ‘no you are too young to go the pub’ thing and those tortuous Saturday afternoons spent being dragged around the shops by your mum looking for new fucking shoes for school. (OK, there are a lot worse things about growing up, but these are the only two that are springing to mind at the moment).

The point is, despite all the growing pains, we all cherish our childhoods. Why? Because the world seemed a more exciting place, we guess.

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In an act of betrayal not matched since the Italians turned their backs on the Nazis in World War Two, or when Sol Campbell moved to Arsenal from Tottenham on a free transfer in the cold, dark summer of 2001, Sharon Osbourne, who recently parted company with long time friend ITV, is preparing to jump in bed with the BBC.

Sharon recently quit ITV1’s X Factor because of something about money. She wasn’t getting her cut of the phone-in vote or something (just joking Sharon). Whatever, she left them, and it doesn’t look like she’s going back.

But then again she’s no doubt said that to Ozzy a few dozen times over the years. And yet, no matter how big the betrayal, she still remains by his side.

The poor fella - as if being a human vibrator wasn’t enough to live with without that over-opinionated ear-ache hanging about the place.

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Yes, everyone’s favourite show to hate is back.

There’s no middle ground here. You either love Big Brother or you hate it. And I am very firmly in the ‘love it’ camp. But then, I like Marmite too.

There are 16 housemates this time. And, as always, it’s taken me a day or two to get my head around them. Always, there are those who spring out like puppies at a rescue home, while there are also those who sit at the back of the kennel shaking and waiting for a kindly soul to take pity on them.

Well, here are the Big Brother betting odds for all six million new housemates to win, with help from Paddy Power.

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It’s a scary time to be alive. Everywhere you look there are people dying, mothers crying, politicians lying and girlfriends prying.

We are told global warming is going to drown us, terrorists are going to blow us up and Paris Hilton is going to have a baby - it’s all too much.

The human body hasn’t evolved the capacity to deal with such misery, and so it seems that mass suicide is the only reasonable option.

But wait! Put down your nooses, brothers and sisters! Kick off those high heels, rip off those fish nets and spit that orange to the floor, because it would appear that Paris Hilton aint pregnant after all!

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Do you like films? Do you like real-life tales of against-the-odds struggle? Does your single-digit IQ often cause you to clap along to Saturday evening TV theme-tunes?

You answered yes to all the above? Well, then this must be your lucky day - because it’s been announced that a Billy Elliot-style movie is to be made about George Sampson, the disabled teenage breakdancing winner of Britain’s Got Talent.

Having said that, there’s a possibility that Simon Cowell is just going to send a bunch of heavies to visit five million of the most stupid people in Britain and steal £7.50 from each of them instead, because that way Cowell gets his money and nobody has to waste their time going to see his rubbish film.

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