Television

To all intents and purposes, Davina McCall is Big Brother - she’s the friendly face who only has to shout a lot and ask breathtakingly awful exit interview questions.

So if Davina McCall ever left Big Brother, the show would obviously fall to pieces. Well, either that or Alexa Chung would instantly start presenting it and nobody would really notice the difference. One or the other.

Anyway, despite a whirlpool of rumours to the contrary, Davina McCall has publicly stated that this won’t be her last season of Big Brother. Which is good for Davina McCall, but you know what that means? It means that this won’t be the last season of Big Brother, either. In fact, it’ll probably go on forever. If you need us, we’ll be crying and drinking bleach in a corner somewhere.

(more…)

This season of American Idol finishes quite soon, but it’ll have to do so without the fire-eyed, slightly berserk stage dad Jeff Archuleta.

Father of wimpy-looking namby-pamby American Idol favourite David Archuleta, Jeff Archuleta has reportedly been banned from American Idol’s backstage area by producers after he kept urging his son to sing bits of other songs during a recent performance of Stand By Me.

That’s not all - Jeff Archuleta is also supposedly so pushy and all-controlling that he’s made David Archuleta cry in the past. Really, who do these American Idol producers think they are? In 20 years when David Archuleta is living in a normal house instead of a creepy rundown fairground with a drinking problem and an obsession with the childhood that his father stole from him, it’ll be them who’ll be to blame. Them!

(more…)

With the frenzied success of Speed Racer ringing in Hollywood’s ears, producers have been looking for another nostalgic TV show to adapt into a movie.

What’s that? Speed Racer wasn’t a frenzied success? Speed Racer has actually been one of the most spectacularly unmitigated disasters in recent box office years? Oh well, The Weinstein Co. wants to make a movie based on Fraggle Rock anyway.

Yes, you heard right - Fraggle Rock, the TV show that defined your childhood almost as much as wetting the bed and the emotional scars gained during your parent’s bitter divorce, is going to be turned into a movie. But not just any kind of movie - Fraggle Rock is going to become a musical, which is like a normal movie, except it’s for pricks.

(more…)

It’s a commonly accepted semi-fact that Slash learned to play guitar after a welding accident left him stuck to his uncle’s six string for almost two and a half years.

It was middle school, and he just wanted classmates to think he was carrying the thing around because he wanted to. After a while, not only could he play the instrument, but he could also write with it, eat with it, and use it to point his dinky in the general direction of the urinal. His uncle hated that the most.

That’s how Slash got so tough. His son, though, apparently has no means of becoming such a hardened brute. After all - he can’t even handle 80 or so snakes, so his dad had to kick them all out of the house.

(more…)

With the exception of the time when one of them was shot on the eyes with a paintball gun and went blind, Ant and Dec have never been in so much trouble.

Between ripping off viewers with rigged text-in competitions and now the news that a British Comedy Award they won was also rigged, the cheeky Geordie bobbleheads are now neck-deep in shit. Which, since it’s Ant and Dec, is about three inches of shit.

Now Ant and Dec, who appear to be oblivious to all these vote-fixing shenanigans, have said they are ‘appalled’ by the scandal. Hopefully not appalled enough to quit television forever, though, because that just leaves film and music for them to return to and, lord, haven’t we suffered enough already?

(more…)

Austria has unleashed some utterly famous people upon the world. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s brilliant quote about bodybuilding and coming still makes laugh to this day due to its totally stupidity

Then there’s Falco’s slamming anthem Rock Me Amadeus - a particular drunken favourite of ours and also the first Austrian number one single in the UK.

However, for every good Austrian apple like Arnie and Falco, there are a few cunts. One in particular would be Adolf Hitler, and now there’s a new cunt from Austria – Josef Fritzl. His disgusting antics nearly caused a plotline from Corrie to be pulled as one character faces being locked in the cellar. We aren’t clear if any incest was planned. Could you imagine Gail and David together? Eww

(more…)

Dire Danny Dyer has told the ever wonderful Zoo magazine that Orlando Bloom is a “cunt” who “can’t act” .

The famous idiom pot calling the kettle black springs to mind here. Although it’s more a case of the pot calling the kettle a cunt for being a pot.

It’s like Boris Johnson telling David Cameron he has a silly voice and stupid hair and feeling that his party’s views are “a little bit too conservative” for his liking.

(more…)

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty?

Does anybody out there love Lindsay Lohan?

Does anybody out there love Ugly Betty and Lindsay Lohan?

Well, if the answer to all three is yes, then brace your bladders for this piece of news: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly going to star in…Ugly Betty!

However, if any of you out there don’t love Ugly Betty or Lindsay Lohan then, seriously, stop reading now, because the boredom you may experience from the rest of this post could be crippling.

(more…)

Miley Cyrus rocked the stage last night at the Disney Channel Games Concert, sporting another piece of pornographic attire.

As she thanked fans for their support, singing some old hits and some new, she strutted about the stage in skin-tight, virginal-white jeans and top to match, which left very little to the imagination.

The outfit made a clear definition of the shape of her breasts and bottom. One source who attended the gig told hecklerspray:

It was disgusting. I was standing there, wanting to have an innocent boogie to some of the finest pop-music this millennium has had to offer when, all of a sudden, 15-year-old Miley appears, looking beautiful and slightly sexually arousing, and now I feel like a paedophile. This has got to stop. This would never have happened if Al-Qaeda were in control; either get the girl a hijab and let me boogie in unaroused peace, or burn her.

(more…)

Miley Cyrus has managed to get through a photo shoot without flashing her jail-bait back to anyone.

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

(more…)

What a week; Iron Man, GTA IV and an anti-climactic interview between Tom Cruise and Oprah Winfrey- we’re being spoiled here.

Did you know that Tom Cruise was set to appear on Oprah? Did we mention that to you at all? Well, it’s happened - Tom Cruise’s long-anticipated rematch interview with Oprah Winfrey happened today and, boy oh boy, was it ever spectacular!

And if you’re one of those disgusting cynics who thought that this was just a deliberate attempt by Tom Cruise to publicly soften his controversial stance on Scientology and the use of psychiatric drugs in the softball presence of an old friend eager for viewers? Turns out you might have had a bit of a point.

(more…)

Tomorrow’s the big day - the day when Oprah Winfrey goes toe-to-toe with Tom Cruise for a slightly creepy-looking interview.

But tomorrow’s too long to wait! We want to know the skinny about the Tom Cruise/ Oprah Winfrey interview now! So it’s just as well that some poor Oprah-slave has leaked out details of the interview in a not-at-all cynically pre-planned effort to boost Oprah’s ratings tomorrow.

So what hardball questions can we expect Oprah to ask Tom Cruise tomorrow? Well, according to the source, Tom is grilled on his family. And his marriage. And his views on psychiatry. And Scientology. And blah. And snore.

(more…)