Sports

Chelsea and England football captain John Terry has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.

According to The Sun, John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally outside Pizza Express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours.

So while he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family perused the menu, a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.

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The Super Bowl Halftime show is a chance for the biggest names in music to either perform a bulletproof collection of world-conquering hits or whap a big wobbly booby out and make everyone choke on their tea.

Which one happened at yesterday's Super Bowl? Well, none. Tom Petty performed you see.

Tom Petty. You know. From Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. Oh, come on, you know who Tom Petty is - he did that song that was on for about 20 seconds during that one episode of Scrubs once. At least we think that was Tom Petty.

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How Los Angeles has welcomed the Beckhams.

First, the celebrity couple were greeted by legions of fans and admirers upon their arrival at the airport - every one of them anxious to catch a glimpse of a woman who looks like a transvestite Skeletor and a man so stupid it takes him two hours to watch Sixty Minutes.

And now they've got the ultimate accolade from their newfound American chums. Actually, it's only really David who's been given the accolade. He's got his very own imposter, see - a weird guy who has been phoning up various Los Angeles officials offering all sorts of services. Hey - it's as much a confirmation of stardom as a big yellow star on that magical Hollywood sidewalk!

True, Victoria is a bit jealous of all the attention her husband is getting, but plans are afoot to redress the balance. She's due to have her face carved onto Mount Rushmore in the next few months, so that her Terrahawk-with-bulimia visage can beam proudly over the South Dakota landscape, frightening tourists where'er she may gaze.

It brings an eagle-shaped tear to hecklerspray's eye just thinking about it.

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Gary Lineker - big-eared sportsman and one-time panellist on 'comedy' show They Think Its All Over - has had his latest Walkers Crisps commercial briefly pulled off the air.

Quick bit of exposition for any non-Britons reading this: Lineker is an ex-footballer who now makes a living by presenting sports programmes and - whenever he gets a spare moment - advertising packets of crisps to bewildered audiences. Many have argued that using a sporting type like Lineker to flog junk food might be a bit hypocritical, but they need to lighten up - the whole shebang has been pretty much commonplace ever since Muhammed Ali advertised Doritos, yelling to camera: "You know, when I'm not reflecting on my epic career, I like nothing more than to shovel handfuls of additive-coated corn snacks into my eager boxer's mouth."

He did need someone else to open the bags, mind.

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By and large hot dogs are such an awful, slightly metallic, offally, penis-shaped food that it'd take most normal people about half an hour to just eat one without managing to vomit all the bad meat back up again over their hands.

So credit where credit's due, Joey Chestnut deserves your respect. Yesterday at the annual Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition in New York, Joey Chestnut managed to pack away 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes - that's one hot dog every 10.9 seconds. Joey Chestnut's grotesque display of hot dog-wolfing not only scored him a world record but also forced former six-time hot dog eating winner Takeru Kobayashi into the sort of convulsing puke frenzy that'd swear you off all food for the rest of your life. As new hot dog eating champion, Joey Chestnut wins a mustard-coloured belt, $10,000, the respect of his peers and an early coronary-related death.

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The London Olympics are still five years away, by which time most of us will be passed our best and looking back ruefully on how we somehow frittered away whatever dribble of potential that we once briefly had - but the rest of you should think about being in a film for the Olympics.

We've just received this message informing us of an open casting call this weekend looking for potential stars of a film about the 2012 Olympics that'll be shown around the world. Here's what it says:

All you need to do is tell us a story about something you have achieved in your life that you are really proud of.

Stories needn't necessarily be heroic in nature, nor do they have to be about sport. We'd love to hear from ANYBODY who has taken on a challenge and felt the sense of satisfaction that comes from effort.

Have you:

• taken up a new hobby that you’re really passionate about?
• conquered a fear of heights by jumping out of a plane?
• decided to stop eating pies for an entire month?
• raised money for charity by organising a karaoke contest?

Whatever your story, we'd love to hear it. Come and visit us in:

Belfast
Friday 27 April, 11am-7pm
City Hall
And W5 @ Odyssey, 2 Queens Way

Glasgow
Saturday 28 April, 11am-6pm
Buchanan Street, outside the Buchanan Galleries Shopping Centre 
And Hamden Park, Main Entrance via Kinghorn Drive

London
Sunday 29 April, 10am-6pm
Olympia Conference Centre, Hammersmith Road, W14 8UX

hecklerspray won't be able to make any of these casting calls - we'll be too busy watching 24 DVDs and, besides, our proudest achievement involved eating so many nuts in one day that we basically started pooing great big nuts, which probably isn't the message the 2012 Olympics want to put across - but if you go to one of the events, let us know.

It's usual that athletes have been trained so hard to follow instructions that none of them actually have a personality to share between them - fancy an evening in shooting the breeze with Tim Henman? Of course not - but Mike Tyson is the exception.

Yes, Mike Tyson, the potential man-whore with a giant cuddly crush on Aisleyne from Big Brother. Mike Tyson is a man made of pure undiluted personality - it's just a shame that the personality in question is that of a dead-eyed serial killer with a nasty habit of verbalising his desire to rape women indiscriminately. Thanks to a tip from one of our beautiful readers, we've got a video of just about every terrifying quote to have come out of Mike Tyson's mouth over the last few years. And it's hilarious. Well, hilarious and blood-chilling in equal measure. The scary thing is - if Mike Tyson can say "I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in the fucking head or stomp on their testicles so you could feel my pain," out loud, imagine the stuff that he keeps in his brain.

There's a bunch of these videos over at Uber.com too - it was a close-run thing between us showing you this video and one of Mike Tyson performing Monster Mash with Bobby Brown dressed up as spooky monsters.

Read more:

A Tribute To Mike Tyson - Uber.com 

Russell Crowe has made a revolutionary decision that defies the central motive of most forms of entertainment - he believes that women wearing almost nothing, jumping up and down and barely concealing their pom-poms are not appropriate for sporting events.

What?!?!? Yes, we were as shocked as you inevitably are. Russell Crowe, phone-chucking Oscar-winning actor and part-owner of the South Sydney Rabbitohs Rugby Club (what are Rabbitohs? Is that like Cheerios made of Rabbits?), has decided in conjunction with other team owners to relieve the club's cheerleaders of their team-supporting duties. The cheerleaders - who often wear fishnet stockings and miniskirts bedazzled with tassells - may find their own form of support by way of a good sports bra.

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There's literally no end to the amount of talents that lurk within David Beckham - they include kicking Argentinians, advertising Pepsi, marrying idiots, possibly sleeping around, giving children crap names and scoring one good goal ever, but that's not all.

Because David Beckham is also a frustrated fashion designer too. That side of Beckham's personality has laid dormant ever since Alex Ferguson told him that he could eff off if he wanted to add mauve tassels to the Manchester United away kit, but now it has been awoken to furious effect. As if going off to get paid $1 million a week to have a kickaround in LA wasn't enough for David Beckham, he's also rumoured to be redesigning the LA Galaxy kit.

Or at least he will be, as soon as the LA Galaxy tailors have decoded the wax crayon scrawl that David Beckham handed them with 'Vis iz mi an I lik mi nu clovves' written underneath it anyway.

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Even the British public are finding it hard to care too much about David Beckham's decision to give up football for LA-based soccer where he'll earn more money in a week than entire streets do in a decade, so guess what the reaction is in LA.

That's right; there isn't really one of those either. Because at least in England people know who David Beckham is - he's the guy who used to play on England's right wing until Aaron Lennon came along and was better - but in America David Beckham is the dude with the skinny Spice Girl wife and not a lot else. What made David Beckham give up a life of being taken seriously as a competitive sportsman for a life in LA? Well, money obviously. And the love and support of Tom Cruise, who David Beckham has revealed was key in helping him decide to go and live in a warm country where everyone speaks English and wants to pay him hundreds of millions of dollars for basically holding some shaving equipment.

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You Americans don't know what's about to hit you; David Beckham and his skinny wife Victoria are heading your way after Beckham agreed to a $250 million move to football team the Los Angeles Galaxy after realising nobody in Europe likes him.

That's right, forget your megastars like Brad Pitt and Britney Spears - from now on Los Angeles will be the city of David Beckham, who'll no doubt set the town on fire with his girl's eyebrows, mild-mannered girl's voice and ridiculously-dressed wife following him around everywhere. Many people are asking why David Beckham has effectively given up his competitive footballing career for a move to the Los Angeles Galaxy; is it the money that David Beckham is after? Does he really want to push soccer as a serious sport in America? Or is it that David Beckham wants to be more famous and hang out with Tom Cruise a lot more? We say it's the last one, and so the Big David Beckham Scientology Conversion Countdown starts here.

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It's a long fall from the top, as David Beckham is discovering. Just a few months ago, David Beckham was the captain of the national football team of the country that invented football - now he just teaches kids.

Perhaps that's a bit misleading - since one of the kids that David Beckham is reportedly coaching is none other than Maddox Jolie Pitt, the adopted son of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Brad Pitt supposedly asked David Beckham to personally teach young Maddox some of his skills. And they're paying off, too - since starting lessons with David Beckham, five-year-old Maddox Jolie-Pitt has been kicking every single Argentinian he's clapped eyes upon. And he's already had it off with Rebecca Loos, too.

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