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Sports News

Steve McClaren Adopts a Flawless Dutch Accent

by Ian Dransfield

Football: technically a funny old game. Made more so with ex-England football team manager Steve McClaren, in his new role at Dutch side FC Twente. The man with a head that is home to a hair island and a face that wears a frighteningly creepy smile at all times has been spotted in the wild [...]

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Elmo Tries to Educate David Beckham

by Matthew Laidlow

“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY SESAME STREET?” barked the interrogators to the cold and quivering people at hecklerspray. After several hours of being abused and poked with spatulas we were finally let go, after the US Army finally realised we didn’t know how to get to Sesame Street. More then likely because it’s not real. [...]

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Wayne Rooney Chosen to Give Bread a New Scummy Image

by Matthew Laidlow

If there’s proof that footballers will sell themselves out for any sort of product, we’ve found it. Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various [...]

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John Terry Doesn’t Care About The Disabled

by Paul Sorrenti

John terry face maskThe Chelsea and England captain has unveiled himself to be a mighty piece of scum, for he has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.

According to The Sun, that daily newspaper of the damned (i.e. fickle minded proles of Rupert Murdoch’s right wing agenda and, worse, Showbiz reporters looking for a story to claim as their own), John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) 27, parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley’s were nob-heads) illegally and immorally outside Pizza express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours, as he and his ‘holier-than-disabled’ family pretentiously perused the menu, arrogantly ordered their food, menacingly munched it down in-between supercilious slurps of their drinks, whilst a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher, desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.

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Tom Petty Plays The Super Bowl, Delights All Six Tom Petty Fans

by Stuart Heritage

The Super Bowl Halftime show is a chance for the biggest names in music to either perform a bulletproof collection of world-conquering hits or whap a big wobbly booby out and make everyone choke on their tea.

Which one happened at yesterday’s Super Bowl? Well, none. Tom Petty performed you see.

Tom Petty. You know. From Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. Oh, come on, you know who Tom Petty is – he did that song that was on for about 20 seconds during that one episode of Scrubs once. At least we think that was Tom Petty.

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Teenage Girl ‘Roasted’ By Man Utd Players At Xmas ‘Rape’ Party

by Paul Sorrenti

Firstly, in case the headline misleads you, Sir Alex Ferguson did not arrange a Christmas Rape Party for his players. The use of the phrase ‘rape party’ is in reference to the alleged rape by young player Jonny Evans (a charge that is almost certainly to be dropped on the grounds of insufficient evidence) that may or may not have occurred at the same party, where this girl was – also supposedly – given the red devil roasting experience. OK? Now let’s continue…

A guest at the party has described how she could hear the group of players having an orgy with the young girl in a hotel room. She told The Sun:

“I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men – together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex.”

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Fake David Beckham At Large In L.A

by C J Davies

How Los Angeles has welcomed the Beckhams.

First, the celebrity couple were greeted by legions of fans and admirers upon their arrival at the airport – every one of them anxious to catch a glimpse of a woman who looks like a transvestite Skeletor and a man so stupid it takes him two hours to watch Sixty Minutes.

And now they’ve got the ultimate accolade from their newfound American chums. Actually, it’s only really David who’s been given the accolade. He’s got his very own imposter, see – a weird guy who has been phoning up various Los Angeles officials offering all sorts of services. Hey – it’s as much a confirmation of stardom as a big yellow star on that magical Hollywood sidewalk!

True, Victoria is a bit jealous of all the attention her husband is getting, but plans are afoot to redress the balance. She’s due to have her face carved onto Mount Rushmore in the next few months, so that her Terrahawk-with-bulimia visage can beam proudly over the South Dakota landscape, frightening tourists where’er she may gaze.

It brings an eagle-shaped tear to hecklerspray’s eye just thinking about it.

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Gary Lineker Briefly Unable To Advertise Crisps

by C J Davies

Gary Lineker – big-eared sportsman and one-time panellist on ‘comedy’ show They Think Its All Over – has had his latest Walkers Crisps commercial briefly pulled off the air.

Quick bit of exposition for any non-Britons reading this: Lineker is an ex-footballer who now makes a living by presenting sports programmes and – whenever he gets a spare moment – advertising packets of crisps to bewildered audiences. Many have argued that using a sporting type like Lineker to flog junk food might be a bit hypocritical, but they need to lighten up – the whole shebang has been pretty much commonplace ever since Muhammed Ali advertised Doritos, yelling to camera: “You know, when I’m not reflecting on my epic career, I like nothing more than to shovel handfuls of additive-coated corn snacks into my eager boxer’s mouth.”

He did need someone else to open the bags, mind.

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Man Eats Food, Gets Rewarded

by Stuart Heritage

By and large hot dogs are such an awful, slightly metallic, offally, penis-shaped food that it’d take most normal people about half an hour to just eat one without managing to vomit all the bad meat back up again over their hands.

So credit where credit’s due, Joey Chestnut deserves your respect. Yesterday at the annual Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition in New York, Joey Chestnut managed to pack away 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes – that’s one hot dog every 10.9 seconds. Joey Chestnut’s grotesque display of hot dog-wolfing not only scored him a world record but also forced former six-time hot dog eating winner Takeru Kobayashi into the sort of convulsing puke frenzy that’d swear you off all food for the rest of your life. As new hot dog eating champion, Joey Chestnut wins a mustard-coloured belt, $10,000, the respect of his peers and an early coronary-related death.

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2012 London Olympics Try To Kill Epileptic Viewers

by Shawn Lindseth

Apparently murder is gonna be a viable category at the London-held 2012 Olympics. 'bout time, we say. Swimming is boring and watching people run is only fun if it's away from you and your bodybuilder girlfriend. That's precisely why London has decided to push for this new killing category. It's a financially wise decision too, [...]

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