Sports - HecklerSpray

5 Hockey Movies to Watch During the NHL Lockout

October 21st, 2012 By Gavin Bard

Gary Bettman, the weaselly grim reaper of the National Hockey League, is quite possibly the worst human being in the world. I know, I know, we have no shortage of options for that designation. Hell, we write about a whole lot of them right here on HecklerSpray. It isn’t like the celebrity world is teeming with actual well balanced role-models or anything.

Still, if I had to vote on the one person I would currently vote off the island ? the island in this analogy being the entire planet of Earth ? it would be this particular hollow suit. He helps represent everything that is wrong with human greed and, even worse, forces me to be on the side of millionaires – because the only thing worse than a millionaire is a billionaire.

So while Gary Bettman helps the NHL’s owners put a pillow over the face of North American hockey, remember that if you need a fix of ice cold action, the movie industry has you covered. At least nobody in that business are greedy vultures who want to make millions of dollars to add to their millions of dollars at the expense of the people who actually do the work.

Right?

The Terrible World of Celebrity Kiss and Tells

September 6th, 2012 By Chris Starr

Celebrity magazines have a lot to answer for. I won’t lie – I enjoy them. In fact, I revel in reading them. I even participate in the bear baiting, terrible news stories that are the stock-in-trade of these pieces of toilet paper. What you’re reading now is essentially a slightly more arch, more ironic digital extension of those magazines.

We poke fun at them here, but really we’re feeding the same beast. We’re prostrating ourselves and wearing the same dirty clothes, piling bodies onto conveyor belts to be shipped into the fiery inferno of celebrity gossip. I’m little better than red top rag journalists.

Broke Ass Dennis Rodman Is Not Paying Child Support

March 28th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Oh, Dennis Rodman – the Easter Island statue of the NBA and various reality TV shows. He’s not doing so well these days. In fact, he’s broke. He’s more broke than hecklerspray.?People want dollars and pounds from Rodman because he had sex without a condom on.

Yep, Dennis is being asked to pay more than $800,000 in child support and he can’t afford to pay it.

Dennis’ ex-wife Michelle Rodman filed new papers this month, claiming The Worm owes $808,935 in unpaid child support for his 9- and 10-year-old children, with an additional $51,441 in unpaid spousal support. Alas, he’s a sad old drunk.

What Would You Ask Neville Southall?

August 7th, 2012 By Kris Silver

If you watched Channel 4?s titillating documentary, ?My Phone Sex Secrets,? then somewhere, in the back of your mind will undoubtedly be the notion that maybe you could breathe heavily down a phone at some random wanking pervert whilst being paid by the minute.

Well that's what ex Everton goalkeeper Neville Southall thought, as he's opened up his own premium rate phone line, there?ll probably be marginally less wanking but, given Neville?s rather robust frame, there is sure to be a lot of heavy breathing.

Curious fans or a very niche subset of the pervert community can now log on to asknevillesouthall.com and pay to receive either an email, costing ?49, or a one hour long call from the great man, for a recession busting ?99.

Tiger Woods Banned His Ex From Smiling Like Some Kind Of Mentalist

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when Tiger Woods was really good at golf and had a computer game and all that jive? Then, he let his penis wander a little and everyone suddenly had an opinion on him? That was funny wasn’t it?

It looks like he’ll never recover from the moral outrage, which of course, is exactly what he deserves for being so appallingly talented.

Talented he may be, but mental also. According to his?former coach, Tiger (who denied the world the headline of ‘Tiger Uppercut’ by never getting into a fistfight) was so nuts that he banned his ex from smiling.

David Beckham Says His Children Are Proud Of His 20ft Testicles

February 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

When you look at your parents, are you proud? If you are, you shouldn’t be. They gave birth to you for a start and that’s as big a failure as it gets. However, David Beckham’s children are very proud indeed.

They should be. They live in a number of gigantic houses and will never have to work a day in their pampered little lives.

And what are they thankful for? David’s footballing exploits? Victoria’s singing career? (Hahahah! HAHAHA!) No. They are most proud of their father’s groin area, complete with 20ft ballbag! Hurray for staring at your father’s genitals!

WWE’s Chyna And A Hulk Hogan Lookalike With A Hard-On

February 17th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Followers of pro-wrestling are invariably still washing their brains with industrial bleach after seeing the skinny-flick of Chyna and her very large nubbin being taken on in the ring by fellow grappler X-Pac.

Of all the celebrity sex-tapes, it really is up their in the harrowing league with Gene Simmons and Screech Powers.

Not that this is stopping our Chyna. She’s decided to make a career out of nudity and, having appeared in Playboy a couple of times, she’s now making a porno which is based on the Royal Rumble and features a Hulk Hogan lookalike with his lad out, ready for some Spunkamania. And yes, we’ve lost our lunch three times already, just thinking about it.

Hecklerspray Versus Super Bowl 2012

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hello. You’ve landed on the hecklerspray Super Bowl 2012 liveblog. Here, you’ll find a limey’s confused view on proceedings, complete with drunken ribaldry, American snack reviews, arrogance, a willful disregard for spelling and enough lame jokes to fill the average American’s cavernous gut. It’ll be great. Abuse and pedantry always welcome.

<a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php/option=com_mobile/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=5a8fb28142">Hecklerspray Super Bowl 2012 Liveblog</a>

Staring At David Beckham’s Groin Is Fine, Obviously (Unless You’re His Daughter)

February 3rd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Women! When you’ve stopped complaining about the negative, overtly sexual images of women in media, which breed an unrealistic body-ideal in young girls, we’d like to point you in the direction of David Beckham in his underpants.

See, ol’ GoldenNads has done a photoshoot for some undercrackers he’s flogging through dreary clothing bazaar, H&M.

A number of women have stopped worrying about the patriarchy long enough to admire Beckham’s bulge and sigh with feint arousal everytime they see it. So what does David have to say about it? Well, it doesn’t involve stuffing but it does involve his daughter.

Madonna Promises That There’ll Be No Wardrobe Malfunctions At Super Bowl (Thank God)

February 3rd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Remember when Janet Jackson invented the term ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at the Super Bowl? That was good wasn’t it? In the old days, it was just called ‘flashing’ or ‘exposing yourself’, which is clearly what happened, but Janet’s people had to pretend it was an accident.

Well, people are a little nervous of a nipple being shown at the Super Bowl halftime show this year, mainly because no-one in their right mind wants to see Madonna’s rock-hard gym-sculpted banger on view, all sinew and veins.

And mercifully, she’s promised that this won’t be happening.