TV Reviews / Previews
Hey Look, It’s The Strictly Come Dancers!
While Simon Cowell prepares to spend the late Summer/Early Autumn explaining to people with special needs that while they might be special, it's not the good singing special that he's after, the Strictly Come Dancing judges have already vetted their contestants, fishing instead from the very deep waters of minor celebrity. Allow us to introduce the sixteen famous faces preparing to show the exact contours of their crotches to the nation...
While Simon Cowell prepares to spend the late Summer/Early Autumn explaining to people with special needs that while they might be special, it's not the good singing special that he's after, the Strictly Come Dancing judges have already vetted their contestants, fishing instead from the very deep waters of minor celebrity. Allow us to introduce the sixteen famous faces preparing to show the exact contours of their crotches to the nation...
America’s Got Talent: Recycled Percussion Are Rubbish
Week 274 of Ameria's Got Talent, and the ten remaining acts audition again, for your votes. Well, either your votes, or else the approval of the goat's entrails which the judges seem to have been relying on these past few weeks to tell them which act gets their discretionary nod. If you, like us, are getting a little tired of this season's judges' decisions - which they apparently make by asking themselves "Which of these acts is worst at delivering the one, simple, specific thing which they claim as their whole reason for being here?" - then take heart! After the jump, we introduce you to the awesomely majestic mighty magnificence which is... the AGT Drinking Game.
Week 274 of Ameria's Got Talent, and the ten remaining acts audition again, for your votes. Well, either your votes, or else the approval of the goat's entrails which the judges seem to have been relying on these past few weeks to tell them which act gets their discretionary nod. If you, like us, are getting a little tired of this season's judges' decisions - which they apparently make by asking themselves "Which of these acts is worst at delivering the one, simple, specific thing which they claim as their whole reason for being here?" - then take heart! After the jump, we introduce you to the awesomely majestic mighty magnificence which is... the AGT Drinking Game.
Big Brother: Marcus Vs Siavash, Plus Big Brother Dies
Yeah yeah, Marcus vs Siavash, blah blah blah - they're killing Big Brother! They're actually killing Big Brother! It's a sad day indeed. Big Brother has always been there for us - through the bad times, the other bad times, the worse times and the times that were so bad that we deliberately shat ourselves in protest at them - and, yes, we'll miss it. What's that? Big Brother's still contracted for one more year? Alright, we don't like it that much. Jesus. Anyway, this week Marcus and Siavash face eviction - not that it matters any more - so here's what we think of them...
Yeah yeah, Marcus vs Siavash, blah blah blah - they're killing Big Brother! They're actually killing Big Brother! It's a sad day indeed. Big Brother has always been there for us - through the bad times, the other bad times, the worse times and the times that were so bad that we deliberately shat ourselves in protest at them - and, yes, we'll miss it. What's that? Big Brother's still contracted for one more year? Alright, we don't like it that much. Jesus. Anyway, this week Marcus and Siavash face eviction - not that it matters any more - so here's what we think of them...
Big Brother: See? We Said Bea Would Get Evicted
On Friday, Bea got evicted from the Big Brother house, which isn't really news because Bea was rubbish. So what other Big Brother news is there? Well, Big Brother is going for starters, and we've decided to take that fact as something between a depressing critique on the state of the nation and a direct personal insult. What else? Nothing. Nothing has happened on Big Brother, in the last few days or ever, frankly. Nevertheless, here are the Big Brother housemates who've caught our eye this week - Siavash, Charlie and Lisa...
On Friday, Bea got evicted from the Big Brother house, which isn't really news because Bea was rubbish. So what other Big Brother news is there? Well, Big Brother is going for starters, and we've decided to take that fact as something between a depressing critique on the state of the nation and a direct personal insult. What else? Nothing. Nothing has happened on Big Brother, in the last few days or ever, frankly. Nevertheless, here are the Big Brother housemates who've caught our eye this week - Siavash, Charlie and Lisa...
Big Brother: Bea Or Marcus Or David Out Tomorrow Or Something
There's another Big Brother eviction tomorrow! We haven't been counting, but we're fairly sure this might be the thousandth one of the year. But who cares, because tomorrow either Bea or Marcus or David will be evicted from the Big Brother house. And really it could be any of... oh, who are we kidding? It'll be Bea, won't it? By a mile. Bea's going to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. She definitely will. Definitely. But, hey, let's play dumb and look at the chances of all three of them for the sake of tradition...
There's another Big Brother eviction tomorrow! We haven't been counting, but we're fairly sure this might be the thousandth one of the year. But who cares, because tomorrow either Bea or Marcus or David will be evicted from the Big Brother house. And really it could be any of... oh, who are we kidding? It'll be Bea, won't it? By a mile. Bea's going to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. She definitely will. Definitely. But, hey, let's play dumb and look at the chances of all three of them for the sake of tradition...
X Factor Returns On Saturday, Abandon All Hope Now
Just like Christmas, Easter, St George's Day and the mourning of our office hamster, X Factor has made its mark and become a regular calendar fixture. Entering series number six, the programme will once again whittle down a select few hopefuls from hundreds of thousands and give them the belief they’ll win an elusive record deal. And for the rejects? Well for a good five weeks ITV can boost its audience share by editing together programmes that contain utterly shoddy performers. Will there be tears? Burly council estate dads threatening the judges when their tubby daughter is rejected? Quite likely yes, but will there be Japanese monkeys wheeled in to work with the chosen few in bootcamp? We don’t really know, which is why we present our predictions for X Factor 2009.
Just like Christmas, Easter, St George's Day and the mourning of our office hamster, X Factor has made its mark and become a regular calendar fixture. Entering series number six, the programme will once again whittle down a select few hopefuls from hundreds of thousands and give them the belief they’ll win an elusive record deal. And for the rejects? Well for a good five weeks ITV can boost its audience share by editing together programmes that contain utterly shoddy performers. Will there be tears? Burly council estate dads threatening the judges when their tubby daughter is rejected? Quite likely yes, but will there be Japanese monkeys wheeled in to work with the chosen few in bootcamp? We don’t really know, which is why we present our predictions for X Factor 2009.
Big Brother: Well Look At That, Freddie’s Been Evicted
On Friday's Big Brother, the impossible happened - the previously invincible Freddie was evicted. Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece. Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who've caught our eye this week - Bea, Lisa and David...
On Friday's Big Brother, the impossible happened - the previously invincible Freddie was evicted. Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece. Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who've caught our eye this week - Bea, Lisa and David...
America’s Got Talent: Tony And Rory Go Through, World Raises An Eyebrow
Let's not try to pretend it's making anything approaching sense any more. The only way that the decision-making on this season of America's Got Talent could be any screwier is if the producers went into a ward full of pneumonia patients, asked the coughiest one to chub his phlegm up into a paper cup, and then got Paula Abdul to decide which act looked most like the bloody lung-biscuit. Honestly, any more of this and we're going to have to consider Plan B: sticking a photograph of Susan Boyle on the end of a lollipop stick and then holding it in front of the TV as each act performs. That'll calm us down. She's dreamy.
Let's not try to pretend it's making anything approaching sense any more. The only way that the decision-making on this season of America's Got Talent could be any screwier is if the producers went into a ward full of pneumonia patients, asked the coughiest one to chub his phlegm up into a paper cup, and then got Paula Abdul to decide which act looked most like the bloody lung-biscuit. Honestly, any more of this and we're going to have to consider Plan B: sticking a photograph of Susan Boyle on the end of a lollipop stick and then holding it in front of the TV as each act performs. That'll calm us down. She's dreamy.
