So you’re a Dancing With The Stars voter. Your actions will decide who makes the Dancing With The Stars final.

You have four remaining dancers. One is Mya, perhaps the best celebrity dancer in the show’s history. One is Donny Osmond, the beloved cultural icon. One is Joanna Krupa, a smouldering bikini model. And one is Kelly Osbourne, who is Kelly Osbourne. You have to eliminate one dancer, effectively stopping them from wriggling around a studio in a barely-there scrap of sequinned spandex the following week.

And you choose to eliminate Joanna Krupa. Dancing With The Stars voters, you confuse us sometimes.

Spoiler alert: Mya wins the Dancing With The Stars final next week. She has to, surely. We’ve looked at this from every angle and it seems clear that Mya – who’s received two sets of perfect scores in the last fortnight – can’t not win Dancing With The Stars. Just look at her competition. Sure, Donny Osmond might be all lovable and toothy and less prone to spontaneously falling over than his sister; and Kelly Osbourne might be, you know, still inexplicably part of Dancing With The Stars, but Mya’s the only actual dancer left.

But what do we know? Nothing, that’s what. If we were in charge of Dancing With The Stars then things would have all been so different. Kelly Osbourne would have been eliminated back in September, and we’d have only booked Aaron Carter as part of an elaborate plan to use springs to fire him through the studio roof and into the lion enclosure of the neighbouring zoo on the first day of rehearsals. And Joanna Krupa definitely wouldn’t have been eliminated from the show last night.

But, alas, she was. Despite possessing everything we like about models (physical attractiveness) and nothing we dislike about models (self-awareness, basic cognitive ability), Joanna Krupa was given the heave-ho from Dancing With The Stars last night, meaning that she’ll miss the grand final. And, boy oh boy, was she angry when she found out. E! Online reports:

“It’s been such an amazing experience and I’ve grown as a person,” the 30-year-old model said after hearing the disappointing news. “Thank you to the judges. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. I had a great partner.”

Yeah, that’s right Joanna! You tell those bastards!

But while Joanna Krupa has been forced to hand in her glittery unitard and go back to a life of wearing bikinis, swathing herself in goose fat and pulling sexy faces that make it look as if she’s trying to work out a particularly difficult Sudoku puzzle, the rest of us get to look forward to next week’s Dancing With The Stars final. Who’s going to win?

Well, Mya, obviously. We said as much a few paragraphs ago. Seriously, you people have terrible memories.

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Last night Jamie Archer was kicked out of X Factor, and our weekends just aren’t going to be the same ever again.

Admittedly that’s because there’s now going to be a space of two minutes during our weekends where we won’t hunt our living room for some knitting needles to jam into our ears, but still. Jamie Archer left X Factor on Queen Night which, if you didn’t know, also doubles as Deliberately Make Freddie Mercury Try To Curse Brian May From Beyond The Grave Night.

But, hey, let’s give you that X Factor recap you’ve been gasping for, eh?

Jamie Archer – Because Jamie used last week’s X Factor to sing a song about crying from a film about a prostitute with Down’s syndrome and about three people didn’t completely hate it, Jamie realised that it was a turning point for him. From now on, Jamie declared, he’d do things his way. And it turns out that ‘his way’ basically means ‘performing Radio Ga Ga to a backing track so deafening that you can barely hear him at all, constantly shouting ludicrous cruise ship singer platitudes like “Are you with me?” at the audience and generally coming off like an obnoxious child in a clown wig acting out his favourite Hitler fantasy to such a horrific extent that it’d cause him to be voted off X Factor forever’. Who knew?

Lloyd Daniels - You know what? We want Lloyd to stay in X Factor for a little bit longer. We don’t want him to win, obviously – we’re not mental – but we’ve realised that Lloyd does provide the best entertainment of every Saturday night. Not with his singing, obviously – we’re not mental – but because of the moment when it becomes painfully clear that his celebrity mentor hates him. Robbie Williams hated him, Whitney Houston hated him and, on Saturday, it turned out that the remnants of Queen hate him too. And you could see why – watching his rendition of Crazy Little Thing Called Love was like watching a barely sentient toddler nervously free-associate to himself. And, despite prattling on about what a big performance he had to give, all Lloyd actually did was stand still while a handful of girls with wing mirrors jutting out of their tits waggled around next to him. That said, it was Lloyd’s best performance of the competition. That said, it still made us want to kill ourselves.

Olly Murs – On Saturday’s X Factor, Olly performed Don’t Stop Me Now, which seemed like an unnecessarily cruel taunt. Actually, that’s unfair. In truth, Olly is rapidly emerging as the frontrunner to win X Factor. That’s OK because a) rather him than Jamie Pubehead, and b) he’s bound to be a Leon Jackson instead of a Leona Lewis, so he won’t be around for long anyway. But there is one thing that concerns us about Olly Murs, and that’s his dancing. At various points through his performance, Olly wiggled his fingers about like a paedophile, violently jerked backwards and forwards like someone was ramming a red-hot poker down his urethra against his will and goose-stepped around like he was cautiously trying to navigate a narrow corridor that had been covered in giant steaming hot clods of animal shit. Maybe he should try shattering his femur instead of his little finger next week. That should put an end to it.

Joe McElderry - Here’s what we hated about Joe McElderry’s version of Somebody To Love on Saturday’s X Factor – 1) It was another musical theatre version of a song, only this time the musical would also star Michael Ball and Michael Crawford and be called What A Horrible Bunch Of Cocks. 2) Judging by the profound lack of passion that Joe put into the performance, we can only assume he thought it was a song about somebody looking his slippers. 3) We can’t see Joe McElderry sing without thinking “But if you’re here, who’s starring in all the late-1990s TV commercials for Sunny Delight?” 4) He’s got way too many teeth. Here’s what we liked about Joe McElderry’s version of Somebody To Love on Saturday’s X Factor – no, just kidding. It was unremittingly terrible.

John And Edward – Something really weird happened on Saturday’s X Factor. John And Edward were good. And not good in a ‘wahey, let’s destroy Simon Cowell!’ way, either. They actually showed a base level of musical competency. They performed a mixture of Under Pressure and Ice Ice Baby, and the singing was in tune and the rapping was in time and they more or less danced properly, too. This sounds weird to say, but John And Edward have – gulp – grown as performers. This might be a terrible sign – it means that next week they’ll probably perform a stripped-down, painfully sincere version of I Want To Know What Love Is because they want to show ‘the real Jedward’ to the public – but it might mean that John And Edward and going to keep improving every week until they can cure world hunger with the power of their voices alone. The prophesy was TRUE!

Stacey Solomon – For a few weeks now, X Factor has been buggering about with Stacey’s formula by trying to get her to sing up-tempo numbers, and this hasn’t been good for her. However, on Saturday’s X Factor they just let Stacey do what she does best – blast out a full-tilt power ballad and then gibber like Frank Spencer having an asthma attack immediately afterwards. Stacey’s version of Who Wants To Live Forever – apart from the cheapo fanfare at the beginning which was meant to make her look like the queen but actually made her look like the host of a particularly ropey 1980s gameshow – was possibly the best of the night. It was almost like watching Shirley Bassey belt out a prime-era Bond theme, but not quite as good, because Bond themes traditionally don’t have middle-aged Irish pixies yelling “Stacey, it’s loike yew’ve bin doing dis fer yeers un yeers un yeers” into the sky like fat little dickheads immediately afterwards.

Danyl Johnson – So, Danyl Johnson – the man who’s been uniformly criticised for his unwarranted cockiness since X Factor began – chose X Factor’s Queen Night to sing a song called We Are The Champions, as originally performed by a man who unironically used to wear a crown and a velvet cape. This was never going to end well, and it didn’t. But not for the reasons you might think – instead of being his usual overbearingly smug self, Danyl’s version of the song was actually desperately underwhelming and not celebratory in the slightest. But still, at least Danyl located what was missing from the original – a bit that goes “Wooooah-a-oooah-a-oooooah” in the middle for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Git.

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Admit it – for a moment there you were worried that Aaron Carter was going to win Dancing With The Stars.

It’s OK, we were worried too. Just the thought of renewed public validation of Aaron Carter filled us with absolute dread. What if he was allowed to bring back his reality TV show House Of Carters? What if he got to re-release his album Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)? What if he was driven so berserk by renewed fame that he started legally emancipating his parents again?

Well, relax. Aaron Carter was kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. We’re in the clear.

We’re one week closer to discovering the winner of Dancing With The Stars. Actually, we take that back. We’re one week closer to discovering that Mya has won Dancing With The Stars. Because, goodness, it’ll be a sad day if any of the others beat her. Especially if it’s Kelly Osbourne. If we were Mya, and Kelly Osbourne was deemed to be a better dancer than us before an audience of millions, we’d go away and shatter our shins with a clawhammer. Just saying.

But we’ve got that to look forward to. At least we know for sure that Aaron Carter definitely won’t beat Mya at Dancing With The Stars, because he was booted off the show last night. Poor Aaron, he’s provided us with so much entertainment over the years – by taking all the drugs, embarking on the world’s most disastrous engagement, having it off with Lindsay Lohan and generally being so obnoxious that even Hulk Hogan’s family, the most obnoxious family in all of mankind, picked up on it – but he’ll just have to live with the fact that he isn’t as good at dancing as Kelly Osbourne. AP reports:

Carter cried early in the competition after harsh remarks from the judges… Head judge Len Goodman praised the young singer for his dedication. “You’re an inspiration to all young people that anything is possible,” Goodman said. “If you were my son, I would be so proud of you.”

And you know what? We’d be proud of Aaron Carter if he was our son, too. True, we’d have immediately crushed our testicles between two breezeblocks the instant he was born to prevent us ever repeating the atrocity, but if he ended up coming fifth in a televised dancing contest then we might be slightly proud of him. Fleetingly.

But at least Dancing With The Stars protected Aaron Carter from the magnitude of his failure this week. He may have come last, but at least they booked Susan Boyle and Michael Buble as musical guests to ensure that he wasn’t the very worst thing on the show. Although, based on this formula, to make Kelly Osbourne look good on the week she’s eliminated they’ll need to feature vocal performances by Josef Fritzl and Mumm-Ra The Everliving. Or something.

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X Factor has ditched Lucie Jones. And it hasn’t ditched John And Edward. We feel dirty saying this, but we want to kiss  Simon Cowell on his face.

But anyway, Saturday’s X Factor was Songs From The Movies night. And, in fact, it was the first episode of X Factor where all the contestants chose to perform numbers from the same movie – a 1983 VHS home recording of a feral street cat being repeatedly punched in the testicles. Or that’s what it sounded like, at least. We might be wrong.

Anyway, you came here for an X Factor recap, so let’s give you one…

Stacey Solomon – For Saturday’s performance of Son Of A Preacher Man, the entire X Factor production team did its best to make Stacey look like a saucy little sexpot. How did it accomplish this? By squeezing her into a pair of trousers three sizes too small for her, teaching her to wobble about as if she was drunk and getting her to sing a middling version of a song that everyone is already sick of. Did it work? That depends on your definition of sexy. Would Stacey have looked sexy if she was in a group of supermodels? No. Would she have looked sexy if she was in a sparsely-attended karaoke night designed exclusively for Dagenham-based single mothers and you were a bit drunk and it was about three o’clock in the morning? Possibly. Mission accomplished, then.

Olly Murs – On last week’s X Factor, Olly Murs performed Come Together. And this week he performed Twist And Shout. Incidentally, if this ‘Olly Murs Sings Hits Made Famous By The Beatles‘ fad is going to be a regular thing, can we put in an early request for Revolution 9 next week please? Thanks. Anyway, Olly declared that he was going to make Twist And Shout sound modern, but then he proceeded to sing it in exactly the same way that everyone on the planet has ever sung it. So can we count his performance as a failure? No, because Olly did a little dance in the middle where he pulled a face that made him look like a semi-deflated vinyl sex doll. And vinyl sex dolls are quite modern, aren’t they? Aren’t they? Anyone?

Lloyd Daniels – For X Factor’s Songs From The Movies episode, Lloyd Daniels decided to sing Stand By Me. You know, from the movie Butt Babes 3 or something. But, to be fair to Lloyd, he did manage to make the song his own. And by ‘his own’, we mean ‘dreary and flat and concussed and terrible’. However, Lloyd knows that his only hope of X Factor survival rests on him being able to act like an adorable stupid-haired puppy, which is why he sang some of his song directly to Cheryl Cole. And that would have been adorable, if only Cheryl Cole hadn’t spoilt it by pulling a face that made it look like she was trying to squeeze lemons with her sphincter. Or maybe that’s just her natural expression. We’ve lost the ability to tell.

Jamie Archer – Now, this is most unlike us, but we’re going to have to award Jamie Archer some points for using X Factor to sing a song from Gummo – the first time a Saturday teatime ITV talent contest has ever referenced a film about a man forcing his Down’s syndrome sister to be a prostitute. However, we’re going to have to knock points off for Jamie’s decision to pick Roy Orbison’s Crying from the soundtrack, when it would have been just as easy to pick Devil Worshipping Son Of A Bitch by Electric Hellfire Club, Hellish Blasphemy by Nifelheim or Mom And Dad’s Pussy by Destroy All Monsters. And we’ll knock off further points because, rather than sing “I’ve been crying,” Jamie chose to shout “Ugh! Bin! CRAAAAAAYN!” at the top of his voice instead. And we’ll knock off further points because Jamie was doubled over for most of his performance like he was suffering from a severe case of gastroenteritis and didn’t know which end he was going to be ill out of first. And we’ll knock off further points because Jamie’s a twat. Only seems fair.

Lucie Jones – On Saturday’s X Factor, Lucie wouldn’t shut up about how her song choice would finally show everyone who she really was. And, since she performed some old shit from a Jonas Brothers film, it turns out that she’s a bland, slightly tedious 10th generation photocopy of Alanis Morissette and nobody likes her. Who knew?

Danyl Johnson – We were promised a new Danyl Johnson on Saturday’s X Factor, and that’s what we got. In case you were wondering, the new Danyl Johnson is exactly the same as the old Danyl Johnson, except he’s got slightly shorter hair. And maybe a little more compassion for humanity as well. After all, Danyl chose to sing Purple Rain which – given the extent that Prince hates YouTube – means that we won’t ever see it online again. Thanks, Danyl! It was a decent Purple Rain, but it probably wasn’t as good as Ruth Lorenzo’s Purple Rain from last year. Maybe that’s what Danyl needs to make people like him – gigantic tits.

John & Edward – Oh thank God. John & Edward are back to their Oops… I Did It Again best. Choosing to sing Ghostbusters on Saturday’s X Factor was a masterstroke – it doesn’t really have a lot of singing in it, it allowed them to wear silly outfits and – best of all – it had plenty of spaces in it for them both to shout things like “JOHN, SAVE ME!” and “SCARY!” while rolling around on their backs like a couple of babies with shitty nappies. A woman dressed as Sigourney Weaver electrocuted them both at one point. It was amazing. So now that’s out of their system, we’d like John & Edward to try a serious song next week. Like The Greatest Love Of All. Yes, that one please.

Joe McElderry – On Saturday’s X Factor Joe performed Circle Of Life, the song from The Lion King that’s about Elton John’s bumhole. And, credit where it’s due, Joe knocked out a note-perfect performance – it’s just a shame that it’s a shit song so all the notes were stupid to begin with. The performance started, didn’t really go anywhere and then tailed off at the end, and the only real constant was Joe’s silly grin. Some people grin because they’re happy. Other people grin because they’re idiots. And Joe used to be fat, so he can’t be very happy, can he?

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A new E4 series called Misfits you say? About a group of young delinquents doing community service?

We’ve not been this put off a new TV series since the Bad Girls pilot. In fact, the likelihood of a good series coming from E4 is akin to that of finding a hen’s tooth, or Tess Daly’s soul.

Imagine the disquiet and shock which consumed us when we saw the first episode of this teen-insert genre here and discovered it’s actually quite good. Maybe Tess Daly has a soul after all.*

To get the comparison cliché out of the way, Misfits can be best described as Dead Set meets Heroes meets Shameless. There’s certainly a comic book feel to it à la Heroes, despite writer Howard Overman maintaining ignorance of the illustration laden literature.

In this television programme, a number of actors pretend to possess a different personality to their own, in a number of staged situations and circumstances. Their words are also not their own, they are given to them beforehand by the aforementioned writer, Howard Overman. In the opening episode this group of young, mostly unknown actors pretend to perform manual tasks in order to fulfil the community service aspect of their respective characters’ sentencing. An artificially created storm interrupts them, and through a combination of wind, rain, and CG effects, they are struck by lightning. None of them are harmed – on the contrary, they awake with some super powers. They are bestowed with the ability to hear thoughts, turn back time, become invisible, and to instil in people an intense sexual desire.

This wee acting conglomerate is lead by Robert Sheehan, a young Irishman best known for his role as BJ in the excellent Red Riding series. Robert (or Nathan, as he purports to be in this) provides plentiful comic relief in the Irish craic style popularised by Les Dennis‘ impression of Graham Norton in Extras.

In series such as this or Heroes, realism and grittiness are highly sought-after commodities. Such things are mostly unobtainable in a fantasy scenario such as this, so a substantial amount of credit is due to this relatively inexperienced writer. Howard has also successfully captured the often foul dialogue of teenagers while retaining enough clarity in order for it to be understood by a wider audience.

An impressive social media campaign will be running alongside the series to both accompany and expand on the story arc via Twitter, Facebook and YouTube etc. To make this worthwhile to viewers, those who pay close attention will be rewarded with a character who won’t be revealed on TV till episode six, amongst other things.

All in all, this looks set to be one of those popular ones.

Misfits starts on E4 on Thurs Nov 12 at 10pm

*She doesn’t.

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Leaping lizards – cult Eighties sci-fi TV mini-series V is back on our TV screens!

Twenty-six years since I hid behind the sofa at the sight of a big-haired Jane Badler scoffing down a poor, hapless guinea pig, our favourite reptilian alien overlords are back – albeit with a slight makeover.

Gone are the big hairstyles, orange jumpsuits, huge sunglasses and funny voices – the new series, which was piloted last night on US screens, is very much a creation of the post-9/11 age.

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about (and have probably stopped reading by now anyway), V was a big deal during the decade of big hair and shoulder pads.

The original series, created by Kenneth Johnson, was almost a modern retelling of the Nazis’ rise to power.

‘V’ stands for ‘Visitors’ – or nice, sexy alien people, who come to Earth to share their technological and medical secrets with us – but soon comes to mean ‘Victory’ after we find out the nice aliens are really dastardly lizards covered in human skin, who actually want to eat us and take all our water. The slimy bastards. Imagine David Icke’s wet dreams and you will have some idea what I am talking about.

They even have a symbol which resembles a swastika and a kind of Hitler Youth (which is also used in the modern remake; calling them ‘Peace Ambassadors’), just to ram home the point. This latest update, with a teleplay by Scott Peters, sticks loosely to the framework of the original, but tries to accommodate contemporary concerns. One of which, hilariously, is a Visitors’ pledge to provide ‘universal healthcare’, which looks likely to play right into the darkest US fears over ‘socialised medicine’.

Instead, during this invasion, the aliens, led by the rather lovely Anna (played by geek bait favourite Morena Baccarin), there’s more emphasis on trust and terror, along with the new revelation that this is not the scaly ones’ first visit to earth. In fact, some have been working with us for a while in secret, learning how what makes us tick (I think there are a few in our office).

But some humans, like the ridiculously-efficient FBI agent Erica Evans (Elizabeth Mitchell from Lost) and Father Jack (Joel Gretsch), soon find out the truth and decide to fight back, while others decide to keep quiet to further their own careers. Blah, blah, you get it.

But the question is: Is the future really green?

Well, here’s four reasons I think it will succeed, and four reasons why I think it won’t. Enjoy!

Why it will work

1. Morena Baccarin

Reptiles have never been so sexy. Seriously, check out her scales and you’ll realise why making her the poster girl for the new series is a masterstroke. Now, anyone who has ever watched Firefly or the film Serenity, where she plays a space hooker, were already well aware of Morena’s not insignificant charms. But the best thing about V is that, looking at the supermodels they have already marched out of the mothership, you know she won’t be the last piece of reptilian tail.

2. It’s V, dammit

The show was a massive hit in the eighties, meaning it will already attract a huge number of thirty and forty-somethings desperate to find out how it compares. The new series has also added a number of topics to make it appeal to the younger generation too. They really should have kept the orange jumpsuits though. The Visitors are all really well turned out, which instantly put my back up. Seriously, the mothership looks more like a Shoreditch PR bar than a den of alien overlords.

3. The special effects

What I have seen so far, the effects are pretty good for TV, which will keep audiences interested for a little longer. Mind you, I think the guy who designed the space shuttles did it in the dark. They are the Citroens of the alien, high-tech world.

4. It’s very watchable

The story is simple to understand and fun. I was not the only one in the theatre desperate to find out what happens next.

Reasons it won’t work

1. Erica Evans

Maybe it was because they were trying to cram a lot into the first episode, but I have serious doubts about Mitchell’s acting abilities. Sure, she was not helped by some atrocious lines and a frantic pace, but I have grave reservations over whether she can carry the show. Plus her character is almost as annoying as her character in Lost.

2. No interesting characters

Once again, I am going to blame the frenzied nature of the pilot, but where are the characters? Where is the light relief? Did you like anybody? The script was so bothered about trying to expose the next plotline it forgot about the one thing that connects people to shows in the long-term. Please slow down! The closest we got was that guy from Firefly whose eyes are so close together I think his right eye is actually is left. And vice versa. Seriously, you can’t trust anyone who looks like his face got stuck after the wind changed when he was in a hall of mirrors.

3. It’s V, damnit

The fact it was a huge hit means a lot of people will dismiss it as a pointless remake that only serves to point out that TV executives really do not have any fresh ideas. And they are right.

4. It won’t be given a chance

Money talks – and if V does not get attract large audiences straight away its days will be numbered.

V will be screned in the UK in January. Watch an exclusive clip at Sci-fi.

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Last night, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos were eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.

We’ll just give you a minute to Google Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos so you know who they are, and then we’ll continue. Ready? OK, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, who are… no, wait, it’s gone. We’ll just Google their names again. Hang on. Oh, one’s an American footballer and the other’s the Iron Chef guy.

Anyway, the footballer and the Iron Chef guy – whose names we have already forgotten – were kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. That’s basically the gist, more or less.

OK, hands up – when we announced the participants in this season of Dancing With The Stars, who honestly thought that Kelly Osbourne or Aaron Carter would make the final five? That’s right – none of you. And who could blame you? After all, logic dictates that Kelly Osbourne should have clumsily tripped over and snapped one of her femurs off in the middle of an Argentine Tango by now. And, honestly, the thought of people actually paying to endorse Aaron Carter in any pursuit whatsoever genuinely makes us hate the world a little bit.

But there they are. This year’s batch of Dancing With The Stars contestants has been whittled down to five, and both Kelly Osbourne and Aaron Carter are there. From this, we can only draw one conclusion – that everyone else on this season of Dancing With The Stars has been completely bloody awful. That’s right, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, we’re looking at you.

Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos became the latest contestants to be eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night – Dacascos left because he lost a tense dance-off with Carter, and Irvin left because he’s so overwhelmingly atrocious at dancing that even the sight of him in his stupid spangly vest tops made most normal people instantly develop an irrational fear of dance. Anyway, AP reports:

Irwin finished his run on the hit ABC show with his highest score of the season. “Last night was a great night, and to see the audience here standing up, it’s their way of saying they appreciate the hard work,” Irwin said after learning his fate… Dacascos said being on the show was “one of the greatest experiences of my life.”

So with Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos no longer in action, that just leaves Kelly Osbourne, Aaron Carter, Mya, Donny Osmond and Joanna Krupa in the running to win Dancing With The Stars. Only one can win. Only one will be remembered as the true Dancing With The Stars champion.

Actually, that’s a lot of rubbish. The winner might be remembered as the true Dancing With The Stars champion, but only for about five minutes. After that the show will cobble together another bunch of contestants – who will be very slightly less famous than this lot – for next spring and everyone from this season will be completely forgotten about. Even so, it can’t be Aaron Carter, can it? Can it?

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X Factor’s Rock Night on Saturday wasn’t very good for Rachel Adedeji, because it finally saw them get the boot from the show.

But they didn’t get the worst deal of it. No, that would be us. Because we had to watch the poxy thing. Honestly, we think ‘Rock Night’ might have been a typo – surely it was really called Cock Night or Suck Night or Let’s Transparently Try And Make Jamie Look Better Than He Actually Is Night. Yick.

Anyway, let’s have a bit of an X Factor recap, shall we?

Joe McElderry – From watching the last episode of The Sopranos, we know that Don’t Stop Believing usually acts as a signal that somebody is going to get mercilessly gunned down by an anonymous assassin. So imagine how disappointed we were when we discovered that Joe’s rendition of the song on Saturday’s X Factor only caused a couple of crappy dancers to come onstage and over-dramatically throw themselves around like they were in some sort of awful Spanish-language soap opera. In short, Joe’s performance was a bit insipid and plastic and empty – but, hey, as soon as X Factor initiates a Fey Songs From Bad Musicals Night, he’ll be laughing.

Lucie Jones – The start of Lucie’s performance saw her sitting on a sofa, which pretty much reinforced everything we thought about X Factor – namely that it learnt everything it knows about rock music from that dreadful Nickelback DFS advert. Anyway, after Simon Cowell’s scathing review of her song from the previous week, Lucie needed to prove that she had the chops to be a relevant, current artist. So she obviously chose to sing Sweet Child O’ Mine, a song recorded four years before she was even born. Nice going, Lucie. Still, she did it while wearing quite a lot of eye make-up, which is apparently all you need to pass for relevant and current these days, so that’s OK. We still have two problems with Lucie Jones, though – 1) we still don’t quite believe anything she does, and 2) we couldn’t really pay attention to her performance because we were too busy thinking about how much we wanted to punch her guitarist right in his idiot face.

Danyl Johnson – Last week Danyl Johnson found himself in the bottom two; a position that almost all the X Factor contestants will eventually find themselves in. And, with all the decorum and restraint that we’ve come to expect from him over the last few weeks, Danyl reacted to it like he’d just been forced to watch a video of his entire family getting stabbed to death. So distraught was Danyl, in fact, that instead of performing Don’t Want To Miss A Thing in the traditional way on Saturday, he decided to sing it in the style of a man having an electrical current intermittently passed through his testicles. It was dreadful, but that didn’t stop Simon from leaping to his feet the moment it was over. Or maybe his bollocks were being electrocuted as well. Who knows?

Lloyd Daniels – We’ve been hard on Lloyd since the start of X Factor, so now we’re going to compliment him. His performance of I Kissed A Girl on Saturday was his best yet. Now, admittedly that’s because it was so full of dancers and backing singers and guitars and lights that we honestly wouldn’t have noticed if he and his stupid vole’s fart of a voice weren’t there. And, admittedly, that’s also because it was only forgettable instead of outright awful. But, nonetheless, it was Lloyd’s best performance yet. Maybe next week he’ll even be able to sing a song all the way through without making us think “But if you’re there, who’s stacking the shelves at Costcutter?” Stranger things have happened.

Stacey Solomon – If you read these X Factor recaps regularly, you maybe remember a few weeks ago, after Stacey performed a Coldplay song, we said: “Maybe next week Stacey Solomon will sing a Keane song and Louis Walsh will have an aneurysm.” Listen you X Factor idiots, that was A JOKE. We didn’t actually want Stacey Solomon to sing a Keane song. We were TAKING THE PISS. JESUS. Honestly, what is it with Stacey and godawful bedwetter schmindie music? Next thing you know she’ll be singing the greatest sodding hits of bloody Travis. THAT WAS ALSO A JOKE, X FACTOR. PLEASE DON’T MAKE STACEY SOLOMON SING THE GREATEST SODDING HITS OF BLOODY TRAVIS. Christ. Anyway, it was Stacey’s worst performance yet. Like you needed to be told.

Jamie Archer – Rod Stewart must be breathing a sigh of relief today, because he’s officially no longer the man behind the worst-ever cover version of Rocks by Primal Scream. That honour now goes to X Factor’s Jamie Archer, who on Saturday ground out a tediously workmanlike performance of the song before pumping his arms and doing jubilant laps of honour around the stage like Jamie Oliver’s paste-eating nephew. At one point Jamie shouted “Everybody in the house!” We’ve never wanted anyone to piss off quite so much in our entire lives.

Rachel Adedeji – The problem with Rachel Adedeji, right, is that X Factor wasn’t a singing competition for her. No, it somehow turned into a competition to see if the stylists could find her a haircut that wasn’t completely shit before she got voted off. And that’s a shame, because there’s a good chance that her performance of One on Saturday was the best of the night. If you like that sort of thing. Which we don’t. And nor do you. Obviously.

John & Edward – We never thought we’d say this, but we were a little bit disappointed by John & Edward’s performance on Saturday night’s X Factor. True, they had a nice few touches – rather than sing 1977’s We Will Rock You by Queen they sang 2000’s craptastic We Will Rock You by 5ive (feat. Queen), and they didn’t appear to know how either versions of the song went – but each week they’re straying further and further away from what made their majestic version of Oops… I Did It Again so superhuman. We don’t want hamfisted stabs at attitude, damn you. We want spoken word interludes. We want barely concealed hints of homosexual incest. We want, as if we need to spell it out, to hear John & Edward do Give Him A Great Big Kiss by the Shangri-Las. MAKE IT HAPPEN, LOUIS WALSH.

Olly Murs - Sometimes we’re glad that Mark Chapman shot John Lennon, you know. Saturday was one of those occasions. Because we get the feeling that, if John Lennon was alive to watch Olly’s version of Come Together on Saturday’s X Factor – with all its stupid dancing and stupid lip-licking and stupid “HUH!” interjections and stupid shirt-tearing and all the creepy sex expressions plastered all over Olly’s stupid big face – then he’d probably have ended up shooting himself.

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If you were Melissa Joan Hart, you’d probably want to be known for something other than Sabrina The Teenage Witch.

So good for Melissa Joan Hart. She’s finally exorcised the witch. Now, whenever people think of her, they won’t think of all the things that defined her hit show – like the creepy talking cat, her weirdly sexual aunt and the fact that appeared to still be attending high school in her mid-thirties – they’ll think of her as the woman who once came eighth in a middling season of Dancing With The Stars.

Unless Louie Vito gets remembered for that instead. He came eighth on Dancing With The Stars last night, too.

The halfway point of televised dance contests is always an important watermark. For us, personally, it’s the point where we convince ourselves that it’s never going to end and we’ll be forced to spend the rest of our miserable lives in a depressing never-ending spiral of fake tans and sequins and rictus Vaseline grins, listening to a tiny Italian man shriek endless incomprehensible high-pitched non-sequiturs by way of a nightmarish commentary until our cochleas give up the ghost and shatter into a billion pieces.

But that’s just us.

For Dancing With The Stars itself, this tends to be the point where it begins to take itself seriously as a dancing show, and forcefully starts to eliminate those crowd-pleasers who lack any discernible talent. That’s bad news for Michael Irvin, the butter-fingers footballer who seems mildly intent on unintentionally bludgeoning his partner to death before the season is out.

But it’s worse news for Sabrina The Teenage Witch star Melissa Joan Hart and professional snowboarder Louie Vito, who were both eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night. In Hart’s case it was because she was a lousy dancer and nobody liked her, and in Vito’s case we suspect it was because a) being a snowboarder isn’t a proper job and b) he’s got a name like a mobster but he isn’t actually a mobster, which disappoints everyone when they meet him. E! Online reports:

“That’s the game,” Melissa said. “It’s tough, I was hoping to make it one more week. My husband was coming next week with my kids.”… “It’s a lot harder than it looks, dealing with frustration, nerves, because you’re doing something you’re not comfortable with in front of millions of people,” added Louie, who punctuated his exit with a backwards-twisty-twirly snowboard trick off the stage.

Don’t feel upset for Melissa Joan Hart or Louie Vito, though – sure, they’ll be disappointed by their exit from Dancing With The Stars, but it’s not like people will be coming up to them on the street to chastise them for their poor routines. Admittedly that’s because Melissa Joan Hart hasn’t been famous for about a decade and Louie Vito just hasn’t been famous, but should still come as a comfort to them.

Kelly Osbourne out next week, though, please.

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Did you watch the ‘You Ask, Kate Answers’ Jon & Kate Plus 8 special last night? What’s that? You didn’t?

Because Jon & Kate Plus 8 generally makes you quite angry? And just the thought of Kate Gosselin getting an hour of television to carp on about herself makes you hatch wicked revenge plots against humanity? Well fine.

You missed out on Kate Gosselin’s promise that her children weren’t suffering. And you missed out on Kate Gosselin’s claim that she wants to be a film star. And you missed out on us stabbing ourselves in the thigh with a pair of scissors so we’d have something less painful to concentrate on.

If we could teach Jon and Kate Gosselin one thing, it’d be the art of the dignified silence. Or the undignified silence, for that matter. The important thing is that they shut up. Because the more that Jon & Kate Gosselin convince themselves that they need to get their side of the story across, the more we come to dislike them. We just want Jon and Kate Gosselin to go away.

The only people we want to hear from in all of this are the Gosselin children – once they’ve gained the literary ability to write their inevitable harrowing A Child Called ‘It‘-style memoirs – and that nanny who had sex with Jon Gosselin in a hot tub, but only because her stories double up as quite an effective bulimia aid. But so long as Jon and Kate Gosselin have access to television crews, that’s not going to happen.

Yesterday it was Kate Gosselin’s turn to bitch and whine and generally come across as the very worst example of a human being in the history of all mankind, with her much-hyped ‘You Ask, Kate Answers’ Jon & Kate Plus 8 special. Apparently none of the questions we submitted made it to TLC in time, because Kate didn’t answer the questions ‘Why don’t you understand?’, ‘Are you aware of the concept of dignity?’ and ‘Urrr, you’ve seen Jon Gosselin’s penis! URRRRRR!’ which admittedly wasn’t really a question.

Instead, Kate decided to answer the big topics. Like the topic of whether or not her chronic addiction to fame had made her children suffer, which she answered by saying:

“They’re not suffering from this. They’re kids 99% of the time… I’m raising kids who are going to scrutinise people inside and out.”

The other one percent of the time, if you were wondering, they’re like embittered pensioners who can’t understand why their life turned out so terrible. Except for Aaden, obviously, who spends his remaining one percent of the time being a cartoon of a drunk goat.

What else did Kate Gosselin have to say for herself? Well, this:

“I would love to be in a movie at some point. I’d like to be the voice in a cartoon for my kids. I would love for my TV career to be successful.”

You can finish this article off for yourselves. We’re going to look for something to stab ourselves in the thigh with again.

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Time for us to recap X Factor – the show so preposterous that it makes 2012 look like a low-budget Scandinavian arthouse film about lesbians.

As you probably saw last night Miss Frank became the latest contestant to leave X Factor. And it was a shock – specifically because the British public had the chance to forget about Danyl Johnson forever, and they blew it. Idiots.

Anyway, Saturday’s X Factor was Big Band night, which is historically the least unbearable show of the series. So let’s have a little recap, shall we?

Olly Murs – We’ve cracked it. For weeks we’ve ben trying to work out who Olly Murs looks like, and we’ve finally cracked it. Imagine if Dermot O’Leary had a child with a woman who’s got the world’s most gigantic face. Olly Murs would look like that child. Anyway, on Saturday’s X Factor, Olly inexplicably decided to perform the theme-tune to Bewitched. A confusing choice, yes, but if it means that next week he gets to sing Blankety Blank or Button Moon, we’re OK with it. But was Olly’s X Factor performance any good? Well, he came off a bit like a shitfaced Will Young. Not a compliment.

Lloyd Daniels – X Factor’s Big Band night posed a very obvious problem for Lloyd. You see, his voice is so weedy and underdeveloped that he’d quite easily be drowned out if a mouse farted onto a glockenspiel, so he didn’t have a chance in front of all those trumpets. So Lloyd’s X Factor performance of Fly Me To The Moon was to more of a Conspicuously Small Band arrangement, and it was exactly as boring as you’d expect. It’s like there’s a rule stating that everything Lloyd ever does has to get boring halfway through. His songs, his sentences – even his backflip was tedious. The boy is aural balsa wood. But he does have nice hair, so that’s something.

Miss Frank – In an effort to make us remember why we liked them to begin with, Miss Frank took Saturday’s X Factor as an opportunity to sing That’s Life from bootcamp again. And it should have been brilliant, but it wasn’t. Here’s why: 1) Miss Frank’s rough edges had been worn away with every performance, and people only liked them for their rough edges, 2) one of the girls sang through the corner of her mouth and it made her look a bit weird, 3) we realised that Graziella is a terrible rapper – less Ghostface Killah and more 2006 UK Eurovision contestant Daz Sampson. And now they’re out. Never mind.

Rachel Adedeji – On Saturday’s X Factor, Rachel performed a slightly watered-down version of Proud Mary. However, Rachel’s post-song interview is what’ll be remembered. Rachel bounced up and down and shrieked and squealed and generally came off like a hysterical woman who’d just won the lottery on the day that her entire family had been wiped out in a plane crash. Why did she do it? Is it because she’d finally been given a song that allowed her to properly express herself? Or was it because someone had told her that the public thinks she’s miserable, and she’d overcompensated in the worst possible way? Whatever the reason, we feel safe in declaring this: Rachel Adedeji would make a terrible girlfriend. As for the song itself, it sounded more like something you’d find on American Idol. Not a compliment.

Jamie Archer – For X Factor’s Big Band night, Jamie Archer decided to sing that old Dean Martin classic Angel Of Harlem. Only joking, it was a U2 song. And U2 are clearly not big band. Bono’s not even a particularly big human being. On this basis we can’t wait for Abba night, because then Jamie will be able to sing Run To The Hills by Iron Maiden or something. Why did Jamie sing Angel Of Harlem? It’s because his original song choice made him sound like lamb being slaughtered by an accordion, apparently. But, hey, at least he looked like he was enjoying himself. Actually, while we’re on the subject, why does Jamie insist on ending each song by leaping around and whooping? You haven’t cured cancer, you hairy twat. You sang a mediocre U2 song. Christ, Jamie Archer is annoying.

Stacey Solomon – Last week we worried that Stacey Solomon was succumbing to Leona Lewis Syndrome, and this week we’re certain of it. Stacey’s X Factor performances are just like Leona’s X Factor performances, in that the first two thirds are always inaudible and then she yells the last bit as loudly as she possibly can. This is exactly what she did during When You Wish Upon A Star on Saturday, and it might get boring if she keeps doing it. Still, at least Stacey moved around beautifully. Well, maybe not beautifully. She moved around like Jessica Rabbit would if she was riddled with an infestation of intestinal parasites. But that’s close enough, right?

Danyl Johnson – What’s that Danyl Johnson? You’re going to perform Feeling Good on Saturday’s X Factor? Really? What performance style are you going to choose for it? Oh, you’re just going to shout it as obnoxiously as you can? Again? Oh, OK.

Joe McElderry – So we know that Joe McElderry can do grinning insincerity quite well, but for his performance of Sway on Saturday’s X Factor he needed to do sexy. And did he? Well, no. He attempted sexy at a couple of points, but mainly came off as a man itching to pour a sachet of Rohypnol into your drink. For the rest of the song Joe just fell back on his old puppydog shtick, and that’s not very sexy either. You wouldn’t shag a puppydog, would you? Would you? You would? You disgusting bastards.

Lucie Jones – We’ll be the first to admit that we were appalled by Lucie Jones’ performance of My Funny Valentine on Saturday’s X Factor. Restraint? On X Factor? Lucie you idiot, don’t you understand how X Factor works? You’re supposed to bellow a rubbishy power ballad as loudly as you possibly can in front of enough explosions to bankrupt most medium-sized nations, not effortlessly whisper an intimate and charming rendition of a 72-year-old jazz standard, you moron! Still, at least you looked like you didn’t understand any of the song’s words or sentiments, so that’s something. But we’re watching you, Lucie. You’re on thin ice.

John & Edward – First, we need to accept that nothing John & Edward will ever do can top last week’s Oops… I Did It Again. Entire civilisations have crumbled trying to replicate a similar level of sublime majesty, so let’s put that behind us and concentrate on John & Edward’s X Factor performance of She Bangs instead. It tried hard to live up to expectations – there were fireworks, there were seizure-inducing visuals, there were two 25-foot inflatables with John and Edward’s faces sellotaped to them, there was an entire verse where John & Edward sang on their hands and knees while some dancers rubbed their genitals up and down their spines – but it fell short. Why? Because there was no spoken-word interlude, that’s why. John & Edward should only perform songs with spoken-word interludes. John & Edward, if you’re reading, we want you to get back on track this Saturday by performing On Bended Knee by Boyz II Men. The full six-minute video version. The argument in the car at the start. The spoken word “Baby, please come back home girl” bit three and a half minutes in. The kiss at the end. You can do it, John & Edward! YOU CAN DO IT!

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In 24, Jack Bauer has managed to successfully battle presidential assassinations, nuclear bombs and wild cougars over the years – but latter seasons have left audiences less than gripped.

Season 7 sets to bring back what made the show unmissable – and it’s the best season so far.

If you are unfamiliar with 24, then there isn’t too much to catch up on. We have an ex-CTU (Counter Terrorism Unit) member named Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) shouting, punching, torturing and nipple-pinching his way to the truth in a long line of national disasters.

This season actually rounds Jack off into a conflicted hero, taking breaks between all that shouting and fighting to reflect on his controversial efforts. Shining a light on these ways is the FBI, with whom Jack is working. He partners up with Agent Renee Walker (Annie Wersching) and the two make a good cop/ bad cop/ melodramatic self-reflective cop partnership. In fact, the series takes a refreshing look at Jack’s battle with his inner demons, making for a more character-driven show than previous seasons.

That doesn’t detract from the action, though. Jack is soon confronted by his previously dead colleague who has taken a buzz cut and a lesson in villainous snarling. Suffice to say that it’s an exciting start and one that sets us up for an unrelenting day.

The pace of the season becomes breathless. Constant twists and turns – sometimes bordering on the absurd – prevent lags, packing in a video store full of thriller-like plotlines and set-pieces into each 45-minute episode. The show does demand some suspension of disbelief, as the trail of deceit begins to run so long that it starts to loop back round on itself. Although a negative point, it can also be positive – it contributes to the exhilarating and action-packed season, and stops it becoming complacent.

Swapping the LA setting of previous outings for Washington DC also helps. This gives the banter between the president and Bauer a greater sense of urgency as the White House becomes part of the landscape being targeted. It also helps to maintain relationships between the politicians, FBI and Jack  – this show has always been as much about the bureaucrats as it has popping caps.

This is a deeper story than before, constantly evolving. After one piece of the puzzle falls into place, another ten pieces appear. But that’s why we love it. This season stands out – not just for being the most action-packed and narratively labyrinthine, but for the effort put into the characters. Bauer has always been a hero, a patriot wearing the flag, but this season takes the premise we know and explores the conflicted morality of a man facing the frontline.

Invigorating, refreshing and unmissable, Bauer is back with the best 24 hours you’ll ever spend with him.

24 Season 7 is out on DVD and Blu-ray now. DVD & Blu-ray Special Features include 14 Deleted Scenes, UK created featurette – ‘24 in 24’ (not on US version) behind the scenes footage, production details and 12 Audio Commentaries.

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What is it about the Deep South of America that scares the crap out of me?

If ever I was to rank all the places in the world according to where I would like to go before I die, it would probably appear below warzones Afghanistan and Burma. It’s still above France though.

It’s ridiculous, I know, but I’m British. My only knowledge of the area comes from appalling horror movies and one heavily-edited episode of Top Gear. But there is something about the place which really freaks me out.

For some reason I have this idea in my head that every shop I go in will be festooned with dead animals and that a toothless old man in a rocking chair will darkly greet me with the words “We don’t get many strangers round ’ere”.

There is no way I would last. I am a city boy, with no religious or racial prejudices to boast of. I would be hung as ‘a dievil’ quicker than you can say Rosco P. Coltrane.

The release of the first season of True Blood has done nothing to ease my fears. In fact, rather than stop me worrying about tales of sodomy and superstition, I have now added vampires, telepathic virgins, man-dogs and girls named Sookie (really) to my list of reasons not to go.

What makes it worse, is that in True Blood world, vampires are accepted after ‘coming out of the coffin’, thanks largely to a new drink called Tru Blood, which uses synthetic blood.

They own nightclubs, have their own fan clubs (fang bangers – girls who let vampires bite them) and even campaign for equal rights on late night TV shows.

Sure, it’s supposed to be fiction, but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, right? I am sure life in Bon Temps, where the series is shot, is all bonnets and butterflies, but it’s so far removed from my own world I have no idea what to expect.

The closest I have ever been to the Deep South is Disneyland. For all I know, True Blood is an accurate snapshot of Louisiana life.

Thank you Hollywood and TV Land for turning me into an idiot.

But is True Blood any good? Well, after being showered with praise and awards since it first aired on HBO on September 2, 2008, it certainly has a lot of fans.

Based on the The Southern Vampire Mysteries novels by Charlaine Harris, it centres on telepathic waitress Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin), who risks the wrath of the good townspeople of Bon Temps when she falls in love with dirty, blood-sucking vampire Bill Compton, played by British actor Stephen Moyer. To add more bite, there is someone going around killing anybody who associates with vampires.

What you get is a pretty good TV series, which brushes on themes such as religious hypocrisy, minority rights and sexual fantasies thicker than a dub of black molasses.

The two main characters, to be honest, are the worst thing in it. Paquin is a fantastic actress and at least while pretending to listen to people’s thoughts does not follow Greg Grunberg’s method of cocking his head like a confused dog.

But Sookie, a waitress at Bon Temps bar Merlotte’s, is essentially an annoying character – from her toothy grin to her sullied goody two shoes.

Moyer is even worse and capable of just two expressions: one when he shows his fangs and the other when tries to look mean and moody but just looks like a man who feels guilty about farting in a lift of strangers.

In fact, the only thing interesting about his character is he’s, well, a vampire and he’s 173 years old, which admittedly is quite interesting.

The only thing interesting about Sookie is she has sex with a 173-year-old dead man. Which, technically, makes her a right weirdo.

But the real genius of True Blood is the supporting cast members, particularly three characters. First, there’s Sookie’s dim-witted older brother Jason, played brilliantly by Aussie actor Ryan Kwanten, who is not only addicted to vampire blood (the latest drug on the street) but would also stick his dick in a bag of soot.

Then there’s Sookie’s best mate, the tempestuous Tara, and, best of all, her cousin, Lafayette, who is not only a cook but also the town’s drug dealer and rent boy.

They all serve to add a bit more bite to a largely uninteresting main plot.

Thank God then for more than the occasional sex scene to keep you keen – just not keen enough to go yourself.

True Blood: Season One is released on DVD on Monday

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Oh Natalie Coughlin, we hardly knew you. No, literally, we’re still not completely sure who you are.

And now you’re gone. Last night Natalie Coughlin became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars, after a nail-biting dance-off with Aaron Carter. So in many ways she’s lucky that she only went home, because we’ve always been of the understanding that anybody who is worse than Aaron Carter at anything at all should be smacked on the head and thrown to the lions.

In other Dancing With The Stars news, Kelly Osbourne hasn’t been eliminated yet. We know! Weird!

Here’s a theory: if Dancing With The Stars was called Swimming Without The Stars, Natalie Coughlin would have at least reached the quarter finals. This theory is based on two unequivocal facts - 1) Natalie Coughlin is a swimmer and not a dancer, and 2) Natalie Coughlin couldn’t be any less famous if she tried.

But what’s the point of wallowing in all these hopeless what-ifs? The fact of the matter is that Natalie Coughlin was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, and there’s nothing that anybody could have done about it. Apart from, you know, picking up the telephone and voting for her. But who’d do that? The woman was rubbish.

Actually, no, that’s unfair. Natalie Coughlin wasn’t a rubbish dancer at all. In fact, you could argue that she was one of the best dancers in the entire competition. So instead let’s just say that she was voted off Dancing With The Stars because she’s inherently unlikeable as a human being and she wouldn’t know what a personality was if you smacked her on the arse with it. Yes, that seems fair. Access Hollywood reports:

Natalie blamed the ousting on having not revealed enough enthusiasm for the show. “I love this so much and I guess I didn’t show it — how much I loved it — but I really did and I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m very disappointed,” [judge] Carrie Ann said. “Audience! Vote people! You’ve always had this incredible ability to mix strength and flexibility as well as fluidity, which is very unique.”

Although she’s probably quite upset at her comparatively early exit from Dancing With The Stars, Natalie Coughlin should look on the bright side – at least she did better than that old man and the woman from Entourage and Elizabeth Taylor’s friend and that terrifying cagefighter chap. On the other hand, though, she hasn’t done as well as Kelly Osbourne or Sabrina The Teenage Witch or Aaron Carter, and the only sensible reaction to that is to go home and enter into a depressive cycle of morbid alcoholism and self-harm.

So, you know, it’s swings and roundabouts.

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Last night Ricky Loney was eliminated from X Factor. Hopefully you didn’t form a close attachment to him. Oh, of course you didn’t – he was arse-awful.

But aside from that gigantic inevitability, what else happened on X Factor this weekend? Well, Whitney Houston was the guest mentor, so the theme was obviously Diva Night. We heard it was going to be Ludicrous Former Crack-Addict Hasbeens Who Need Weird-Haired Frank Butcher Lookalike Sidekicks To Keep Them Upright, but that was found to be slightly too niche.

Anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do this weekend? Time for that recap you’ve all been waiting for…

Lucie Jones – Everybody has their own definition of the word ‘diva’. Take Lucie Jones, for example. Based on Saturday’s X Factor performance of How Will I Know, she thinks a diva is someone who drops to the floor inside a perspex testicle and then clomps around like an obnoxiously self-confident four-year-old at a Butlins junior talent show. Still, we don’t think that anybody should actually vote for Lucie. You see, if she continues to fill her routines with as many violently sassy hair-flicks as she did on Saturday’s X Factor, it’ll only be a matter of time before her head pops off and she gets rushed to hospital. It’d be a wasted vote.

Olly Murs – The worst thing about Olly Murs, after his hair and his needlessly large mouth and his stupid face and everything he’s ever done in his entire life, is that he’s almost a good performer. On Saturday’s X Factor Olly sang Fool In Love, and 90% of it was decent. It was in tune, nicely choreographed and – crucially – quite short. But the last 10% just made us want to reach inside our TV and slap his massive clueless face. For instance, does Olly really need to shout “HAH!” and “NOW LISTEN!” between every line he sings? No. Does he really have to be so smug that he’s constantly seems on the verge of dissolving? No? Does he really have to look like a dangerously uninhibited Bradley from EastEnders? Well, yes, probably. And that’s why we’ll never be able to love him.

Miss Frank – You may have noticed that we wanted Miss Frank to win X Factor this year. Well that probably won’t happen any more, and it’s all Miss Frank’s fault. If they’d chosen to sing an old Tina Turner song like Olly did, then they’d have sailed through to the next round. But they didn’t. They sang All The Man That I Need. By Whitney Houston. Whitney Houston, for God’s sake. And they sang most of it solo. And there wasn’t even any rapping. It was just a great big empty nothing. By Whitney Houston. Ugh. It’s a shame – if we know who Miss Frank are more than Miss Frank do, then that can’t be a good sign. Disappointing.

Rachel Adedeji - When we saw Rachel Adedeji start her X Factor performance of If I Were A Boy by lying on her back, we were initially worried that her giant asymmetrical haircut had thrown her back out or something. But no, it was all just a false alarm – in fact, there’s a good chance that Rachel was only doing it to make the song more memorable. It was a nice try, because God knows the song itself was such a fat sack of nothing that we barely even noticed when it finished. If only those four haggard stripper girls were around to save Rachel’s arse every week, then she’d be just fine.

Joe McElderry – Here’s what we learnt about Joe McElderry on Saturday’s X Factor: 1) His childhood was an elongated nightmare that alternated between obesity and transvestitism. 2) If he over-emoted any more during his version of Where Do Broken Hearts Go then he would have actually had to do a shit in his trousers. 3) If Britain ever remade High School Musical, then Joe would definitely be a shoo-in for the role of fourth male lead. 4) We’re not really sure that a show like X Factor should be won by someone who clearly idolises H From Steps to such a worrying extent.

Danyl Johnson – So on Saturday’s X Factor, Danyl Johnson performed I Didn’t Know My Own Strength; a song from Whitney Houston’s new album that nobody has ever heard. How did Danyl manage to cope with such a risky strategy? The same way that he copes with everything – by atonally howling the lyrics at the top of his voice. It was awful, but all the X Factor judges were duty-bound to praise it, because a) the song’s executive producer Clive Davis was sitting right next to them and b) nobody wanted to accidentally call Danyl a raging homo again. For the record, though, it was terrible.

Lloyd Daniels – Lloyd didn’t so much perform Bleeding Love on Saturday’s X Factor as cluelessly mumble the lyrics to Bleeding Love while someone held down the Dido preset button on a 1980s Bontempi keyboard. And it was genuinely horrible, possibly the most embarrassing X Factor performance since the days of The Unconventionals. Nobody liked it. The audience didn’t like it. The X Factor judges didn’t like it. Not even Whitney Houston liked it, and she’s spent most of the last decade off her face on crack. Not that Lloyd was ever in danger of being eliminated, though, because Cheryl Cole cried at the end of it and Lloyd gave her a hug. And that’s the sort of shit that you idiots apparently fall for. We hate you sometimes, idiots.

John & Edward – OK John & Edward, we may have got you wrong. We thought you were just a couple of annoying Irish morons, but we were mistaken. In actual fact you are MINDBLOWINGLY AWESOME. On Saturday’s X Factor John & Edward performed Oops… I Did It Again. All of Oops… I Did It Again. Even the spoken-word interlude. While wearing red leather suits. On a technical level there might have been some timing and pitch issues, but on a spiritual level John & Edward were THE BEST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN. Watching John & Edward was like watching a UNICORN HUMP A RAINBOW. John & Edward were JESUSLIKE. John & Edward MUST WIN X FACTOR. THEY MUST. WIN. X FACTOR.

Rikki Loney - Whoever decided to make Rikki Loney – weedy little pointless hat-wearing Rikki Loney – sing Respect on Saturday’s X Factor deserves a medal. Because it’s finally what got Rikki slung out of X Factor forever. It was a dreary, muted version of Respect that was as flat and uneventful as we imagine most of Rikki’s life has been up until this point, and not even paying four tubby backing singing to desperately dry-hump their microphone stands could detract from how monstrous it all was. The end.

Jamie Archer – Up to and during his performance of Thank You on Saturday’s X Factor, we were worried that Jamie Archer was going to let us down. True, he did refer to himself as ‘Mr Cool Guy’ in the pre-song VT. And he did say that the song would show the public who he really was – which, based on his performance, means that he’s really a bland, whiny turd. But he didn’t even shout “Come on!” at the audience once during the song. Were we wrong about Jamie Archer? Was he less of a staggering cock than we’d been giving him credit for? No. Because as soon as he finished singing, Jamie Archer high-fived Simon Cowell. Cockitude restored. As you were, people.

Stacey Solomon – Now, OK, based on talent Stacey Solomon should probably win X Factor. But we’re worried about her. We think we’re detecting the genesis of Leona Syndrome with her. You know Leona Syndrome. It’s where a singer is so consistently faultless week after week that the public starts to tire of them, putting their chances of winning in jeopardy. Stacey’s X Factor performance of At Last on Saturday was perfect, just as her X Factor performance of The Scientist the week before was perfect. This is the sort of thing that could get old fast. So thank God she’s such a gibbering chav, eh? That’ll save her.

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