X Factor Recap: You Killed Jedward, You Monsters Notice how the sun's not shining quite as brightly today? Notice how everyone looks considerably more miserable today? It's because Jedward were kicked off X Factor last night. And Lloyd wasn't. Honestly, people are stupid. Anyway, last night's X Factor was George Michael night and, by and large, it was a gigantic disappointment. We were looking forward to seeing Olly doze off behind the wheel of a Range Rover and Danyl masturbate furiously inside a public lavatory. Didn't happen. Heartbroken. Still, at least the X Factor recap is here to cheer us up...

Dancing With The Stars: Kelly Osbourne Bizarrely Makes The Final So you're a Dancing With The Stars voter. Your actions will decide who makes the Dancing With The Stars final. You have four remaining dancers. One is Mya, perhaps the best celebrity dancer in the show's history. One is Donny Osmond, the beloved cultural icon. One is Joanna Krupa, a smouldering bikini model. And one is Kelly Osbourne, who is Kelly Osbourne. You have to eliminate one dancer, effectively stopping them from wriggling around a studio in a barely-there scrap of sequinned spandex the following week. And you choose to eliminate Joanna Krupa. Dancing With The Stars voters, you confuse us sometimes.

X Factor Recap: People Finally Realise How Rubbish Jamie Archer Is Last night Jamie Archer was kicked out of X Factor, and our weekends just aren't going to be the same ever again. Admittedly that's because there's now going to be a space of two minutes during our weekends where we won't hunt our living room for some knitting needles to jam into our ears, but still. Jamie Archer left X Factor on Queen Night which, if you didn't know, also doubles as Deliberately Make Freddie Mercury Try To Curse Brian May From Beyond The Grave Night. But, hey, let's give you that X Factor recap you've been gasping for, eh?

Dancing With The Stars Ejects Aaron Carter, Thank God Admit it - for a moment there you were worried that Aaron Carter was going to win Dancing With The Stars. It's OK, we were worried too. Just the thought of renewed public validation of Aaron Carter filled us with absolute dread. What if he was allowed to bring back his reality TV show House Of Carters? What if he got to re-release his album Aaron's Party (Come Get It)? What if he was driven so berserk by renewed fame that he started legally emancipating his parents again? Well, relax. Aaron Carter was kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. We're in the clear.

X Factor Recap: Lucie Jones Out, Jedward Rule Forever X Factor has ditched Lucie Jones. And it hasn't ditched John And Edward. We feel dirty saying this, but we want to kiss  Simon Cowell on his face. But anyway, Saturday's X Factor was Songs From The Movies night. And, in fact, it was the first episode of X Factor where all the contestants chose to perform numbers from the same movie - a 1983 VHS home recording of a feral street cat being repeatedly punched in the testicles. Or that's what it sounded like, at least. We might be wrong. Anyway, you came here for an X Factor recap, so let's give you one...

TV Preview: Misfits, E4 A new E4 series called Misfits you say? About a group of young delinquents doing community service? We've not been this put off a new TV series since the Bad Girls pilot. In fact, the likelihood of a good series coming from E4 is akin to that of finding a hen's tooth, or Tess Daly's soul. Imagine the disquiet and shock which consumed us when we saw the first episode of this teen-insert genre here and discovered it's actually quite good. Maybe Tess Daly has a soul after all.*

V Pilot: Why It Will Succeed, And Why It’s Doomed Leaping lizards – cult Eighties sci-fi TV mini-series V is back on our TV screens! Twenty-six years since I hid behind the sofa at the sight of a big-haired Jane Badler scoffing down a poor, hapless guinea pig, our favourite reptilian alien overlords are back - albeit with a slight makeover. Gone are the big hairstyles, orange jumpsuits, huge sunglasses and funny voices – the new series, which was piloted last night on US screens, is very much a creation of the post-9/11 age.

Dancing With The Stars Loses Irvin and Dacascos. Oh Well. Last night, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos were eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. We'll just give you a minute to Google Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos so you know who they are, and then we'll continue. Ready? OK, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, who are... no, wait, it's gone. We'll just Google their names again. Hang on. Oh, one's an American footballer and the other's the Iron Chef guy. Anyway, the footballer and the Iron Chef guy - whose names we have already forgotten - were kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. That's basically the gist, more or less.