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Reviews

Review: Desperate Scousewives (Or: Why Paul McCartney Will Now Affect A Boltonian Accent)

by Robin Darke

Derek Acorah, Colleen Rooney and Jennifer Ellison. What does these people all have in common? They’re all gigantic dicks. Dicks that are so bulbous that slightly less dense objects, like Abbey Clancy gravitate towards them and start to orbit them. Like the rest of the Sun and Pluto. (Did you know that the galaxy is [...]

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HecklerPlay Review: Yuck In Manchester

by Si Sharp

Effortlessness is of course the cornerstone of cool. That’s why the Chesterfield hanging out of the corner of James Dean’s mouth is better than the Benson being desperately tugged on by the 14 yr old on the corner of your street. It’s why more guitarists want to be Hendrix than Angus Young. It’s why every [...]

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Young Apprentice Review: Smashing Gender Stereotypes

by Jacki Evans

Shopping. If there’s one thing teenage girls are meant to be good at, it’s that. Right? Well, apparently not. For last night on Young Apprentice, Lord Sugar’s minions proved that particular stereotype spectacularly wrong. The task they were set was simple enough; they just had to buy stuff. That’s it. Not buy stuff and sell [...]

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Strictly Come Dancing Review: Brendan Declares War

by Jacki Evans

Wasn’t last week’s Strictly jolly exciting, what with all the thousands of people and the being at Wembley? Who cares that they finally got rid of World’s Happiest Man Russell Grant; it was WEMBLEY and that is supposed to be AMAZING. Everyone, everywhere was talking about it. If by “everyone”, you mean the Strictly contestants. [...]

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X Factor Review Week 15: Angina in Your Hand

by Sophie Hall

Well, what another hotbed of mayhem and violation of societal norms it’s been on the X Factor this week. Whatever you do, don’t let us go on and on about it, kay? This week on The X Factor, the sound editors got in an extra crate of Aftershock (Spiced Berry black, obviously. They’re not squares) [...]

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TV Review: The Cafe (Or: Ralf Little Writes Awful Sitcom; Su Johnston Starts Screening Her Calls)

by Robin Darke

Remember back in the mid noughties when everyone was all “Oh, The Royle Family is so indicative of the modern day working class, and it’s a problem that we need to address,” and “I know someone just like Denise. She’s a feckless moron as well. Terrible BO” and everything was “My Arse”? We all can. [...]

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Young Apprentice Review: Posh Harry Goes After Girls

by Jacki Evans

The stench of Lynx. The smell that strips paint off walls and causes everyone’s eyes to water. It’s only ever been found to have one use, and that’s letting you know that a teenage boy is on his way. Clearly though, it’s a market Lord Sugar wants to get in on, because this week he [...]

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Strictly Come Dancing: Russell Grant’s Cannon Takes Over

by Jacki Evans

Ah, Wembley Arena. That great big, soulless, cavernous hole in the suburbs of London. Nowhere’s better at sucking all joy out of an event. And this week, it got to consume all atmosphere from a Very Special Strictly Come Dancing. Yes, this week Strictly decamped to an overhyped aircraft hanger in aid of Children in [...]

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X Factor Review, Week 14: IT’S 4 YEAR OLD ULTIMATELY UNAVOIDABLE GUMMO JOKES WEEK

by Sophie Hall

Alright guys. First thing’s first. Here’s a paragraph about maths, and the fun that maths brings. It’s Week 14 of The X Factor now, and basically that’s quite an astonishing amount of wasted time. But the big BIG question is: Just how much astonishing amount of wasted time?  WELL FRIENDS, by the hands of Pythagorean law, [...]

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Young Apprentice Review: Lewis Misses the Point

by Jacki Evans

Just before last night’s Young Apprentice started, the BBC’s voice-over man promised us that it was like the Generation Game. He lied. It was absolutely nothing like the Generation Game. There were no cuddly toys, and no poor attempts at pottery, and definitely no Bruce Forsyth. It turned out that he just meant that the [...]

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