If the makers of The Apprentice had brought in a fat goat in a top hat and a monocle to fire people, the show would still be the best thing on TV. In fact, it'd

Picture the scene: imagine you're a chav. An absolute, grade-A specimen of a chav at that; a sovereign-wearing, Daily Star-reading, barely literate idiot scally of colossal proportions.

Now imagine that it's Saturday night and, for some reason - maybe you had some debilitating accident while trying to shoplift a twenty-four crate of Stella - you've found yourself housebound. There's no way you'll be able to make it out; no way you'll be able to get down your local Wetherspoons and indulge in loud-mouth drunken singalongs with all your idiot pals.

Sounds awful, doesn't it? Well, fear no more, for ITV has the answer ...

One of the most mong-brained ideas for a TV show ever must be Stars In Their Eyes. Whoever thought of dressing up poor people like famous people and making them sing deserves a bloody medal.

Although it's still being made, the show cannot possibly top the moment when the fake Chris DeBurgh and the real Chris de Burgh sang a duet version of Lady In Red that even Radio 4 listeners found unbearably smug.

So a new show was needed for crosseyed gypsies to clap their hands to on Saturday teatimes. And lo, Hit Me Baby One More Time was created. And, oddly, it's great.

There's something of a British theme this time around, folks, what with two of the major releases over the next seven days having a distinctly Anglo-Saxon twist to them.

No, wait. Come back. There's nothing to be scared of. Because - and believe us, hecklerspray has already scanned the heavens for signs of flying little piggies - these British films are actually quite good. Yes, the fart-lingering stench of The Full Monty and Snatch may have taken a temporary reprieve ...

Reality TV is full of surprises. Just when it looks like the whole industry is knackered, coughing and honking like a clown's funny car, something new comes along to shake it back into life.

First there was The Apprentice, based on the American series starring odd-haired entrepeneur Donald Trump basically screaming at contestents next to a helicopter on top of a skyscraper.

Then the BBC remade it with Alan Sugar and a whole array of those crappy Amstrad e-mail telephones. And it's mostly a success. Never underestimate the joy of watching self-assurred idiots fighting amongst themselves.

Under the starlight cover of darkness a secret press screening for the big screen version of The League of Gentleman has taken place.

No doubt all the lucky viewers were sworn to secrecy, but there’s always one that lets something slip.

The most fantastically bizarre bit of TV comedy in the last ten years has recieved the fat budget movie treatment. Apart from a smidgen of digital tinkering (let’s hope the new Doctor Who visual effects department aren’t involved), it’s all finished and ready to ship.

So, are we talking Bean or Brian here? Ladies, Gentleman and Dave, it’s time to find out…

God, hecklerspray hates what Star Wars has turned into. The glory days of our action figure-collecting youth have been shat on by Jar Jar Binks and beat up by a ninjafied Yoda.

So here's a newsflash that shouldn't come as any great surprise: Revenge Of The Sith is going to be cack. It is, dammit. It's going to have the same awful dialogue, psuedo-philosophical arse-posturing and emotionally-retarded 'storyline' as all five previous films.

The only force hecklerspray feels upon hearing yet another cine-illiterate imbecile rant excitedly about 'the fall of Anakin Skywalker' is the compulsive urge to slap them in their mewling schoolboy face.