Well it’s been a high profile week for music what will all the sports happening and that. If you didn’t watch the kitten walk on the pitch in the football or MIA flip the proverbial bird in the Super Bowl then it really doesn’t matter because The Metro covers just about all of it in a much more elaborate and unnecessary way than the above sentence makes you think it might be worth.

The kitten doesn’t have a music video out, but we’re positive you can watch it singing on YouTube or, you can see it in your mind’s eye on ketamine; whatever takes your fancy really.

MIA on the other hand does have a video response out in antithesis to the popular Alexandra Burke song ‘Bad Boys’, which is nice for her. Shall we watch some new releases then?

MIA has opted to show us all her bad side in ‘Bad Girls’ which frankly we just never saw coming.

Warning. It features cars and a load of posing.

And not much worthwhile tune.

If you were bored enough to watch the above ‘short film’ from Roman Gavras, the director of “How can I make a short lived cultural criticism next?” then you will have noticed Maya wearing her shiny bra on the outside like a feminine version of Super Girl. She bad. It’s probably all political and about war and oil and greed and stuff, but MIA knows that’s way over all our heads so she decided to re-enact that scene from Sex And The City 2 where everyone in the Middle East dresses like a Western capitalist twat. She bad.

So what’s just happened right now is we’ve just watched nearly four entire minutes of our very first Alexandra Burke video. Yeah, she’s back which is probably not a coincidence, but more of an elephant in the room as she so candidly puts it on the song ‘Elephant.’ It’s all just a bit unfortunate really.

Brilliantly, you can’t embed the video yet, so if you want to actually see it after listening to that cod-club bilge, click here

We all just need to calm down a minute. You might think The Shins are a boring band and this video proves you 500 per cent right, but we’re still standing by them.

It could be captivating if you… no? Okay. Sorry. Moving on, we here at the ‘spray like to teach you, dear reader, stuff. Not how to read; we don’t want you to leave, but how to see in colour—it’s something they can do now with technology and stuff. Sadly OK GO got their first as per.

We know it’s for Big Bird and his friends on ‘the farm’ but hopefully now you will all see how OK GO are little more than a meme. Can we all move on from their 753 trick pony now?

Addendum- if you’re still helplessly trying to be relevant then you can watch the numerous parodies of Lana Del Ray that are being knocked together in studios across the world. One of them features her off of that film about the funny women and the other features the comedian not off of the funny film with the women, but does have some references to teenage literature.

We’ll let you decide what you want to do with that.

Pop promos! More of them! There’s always new music being made. This is, of course, a good thing. It’s also a really, truly awful thing. Some records come out and you just think ‘why did you bother?’

Fame and fortune await the few, for the majority will forever be destined to be loved by the faithful dozen who, regrettably for the bands concerned, are not good looking enough to warrant regular sex.

And so, here’s the new releases.

This is what the world of the singles chart looks like from inside a boredom vacuum, except that none of these songs will probably ever glance the chart.

You decide whether that’s a good or bad thing.

And you’ve probably heard of Cloud Nothings. They’re one of those bands that people talk about for the sake of tirelessly opening and closing their idiot faces. We think they probably liked ‘grunge’ when growing up and still wear stonewash jeans. However, unlike their grunge peers, this lot have already sold out to The Man, who is in this case, is Urban Outfitters.

Yes, that pretentiously bad video was something to do with the idea that ‘we want you all to think we’ve been to art school’, when really, it looks like that bad scene in Gladiator where they make Russell Crowe float through some corn fields and into Rome.

Speaking of ’90s revivalism, here’s a really crap advert signalling the return of Garbage.

Fighting the status quo of the cultural cataclysm that is New Boring is the one and only original Old Boring. That’s right! Feeder are back again with their impressively awful lyrics and archetypal quiet-loud dross.

Away from all that ninetiesness, the ‘Him’ of unpopular tweetards ‘She and Him’ has made some music. You want to hate it and why wouldn’t you? He wears sunglasses and suits and more importantly he’s friends with retro edition Barbie Zooey Deschanel.

Sadly he got someone infinitely cooler than himself, a man called Joe Trussell, to animate the video for him and it looks  just great.

Now sod off.

World events they’re fun aren’t they? Well no, not really, but hey at least you can now use IfIDie.net to record an ‘in-case of my accidentally on purpose death please avenge me to the bitter end’ video. Yes that a real thing now. Yes, it does seem like one of those fake adverts from Six Feet Under and yes it is the greatest use of video technology ever created.

We don’t know why bands even try anymore. They can’t even beat an advert for your own death. The 80’s, that’s what the music video was for, signifying an overabundance of crass ideologies, big hair, glittery outfits and the subjugation of women to the simple age when they were just ‘things’.

Did we mention the hair because that’s a pretty important part? Anyway, shall we look at the new releases?

Showing us all how not to do everything is the most boring non-member of Mumford and Sons Laura Marling.

She’s still whacking her hands against that stringed up tissue box and spitting slowly dying cats out of her face. So, obviously you might want to watch this on mute wherein you will transcend yourself and become one of those people who cites Russian Ballet as a hobby.

You scumbags.

If you like dancing, which as a nation we seem to do, then you will find this video exciting. Conforming to the aforementioned law that one of the vital elements for the success of a music video is the objectification of women, the people doing the dancing are of course women and they are of course wearing some unflattering black underwear, but underwear nonetheless; besides it’s black and we all know that means they want to have sex.

Probably with that snazzy man dancer who’s getting all up in their pelvic thrusts. Laura Marling-1, Feminism-0.

The Arctic Monkeys have gone back into the studio. Anybody?

Oh yeah Richard Hawley is there just in case you forgot they were local lads who love local things. Yes, we get it. You’re from Sheffield.

Breaking news coming in as we’re writing! The original Sugababes seem closer than ever to reforming according to one ardent twitter fan and thousands of unassuming idiots. Try not to break a sweat chasing this one round the rumour mill it’s only been a thousand years and a non-existent number of incarnations and counting.

Obviously you’ll be the first to receive a staggering endorsement of their new video from us if this ever happens. Regular service resuming in 5… 4… 3…

Yay The Red Hot Chili Peppers are still around and Anthony Kiedis still has the biggest dick in the business; everybody dance now! Well, you could, but someone decided to take the video offline thanks to copyright issues. WHAT A SHAME. All you’re missing is the usual turgid rubbish, complete with hair. Oh, there’s also a massive dog/penis allegory that’s being waved in the camera for three minutes.

The weekly metal music video to keep you in a state of habitual depression comes courtesy of Mastadon.

Metal can be sensual too is what this says. How? Well that’s a very good question, but here we state a case that it is through the innocence of a woman’s face. Metal-1, Feminism- -1.

Next week we’ll be ditching gender politics and solving the problems that are inherent within society due to the class system and economic policy so be sure to tune in for that and for the latest on what Mutya, Keisha, and the other one are doing.

We’d love to tell you about the tragic things that have been happening this week, but we can’t get on Wikipedia because of some protest for some dumb law the stupid Americans are trying to enforce. We’d love to tell you what that law is, but you know we aren’t really all that knowledgeable about anything without the use of facts made up by people like you.

We do love it when the world wide web gets it’s knickers in a twist though and it seems like everyone is so we’re here to join in with our eloquently put words; FREE SPEECH IS WELL COOL.

In a tone more akin to what you’re used to seeing here we will now proceed to inform you about the abysmal endorsement of capitalism by Alex “absolute git hamper” James. You might recognise him as the bassist from Blur, or much more likely is that you’ve seen his name on a bag of pre-grated cheese in Asda. It all went downhill when they started slicing bread if you ask us. The once beacon of foppish country cool now hangs around with fellow swan-munchers Cameron and Clarkson sipping freshly juiced faecal matter from paper cups which they then use to muddy our big rotten society so it’s no surprise then to learn that he writes for The Sun now, obviously. Today he announced that he bums McDonalds—of course he calls it Maccy D’s—and Greggs, and KFC, and factory farming, and animal incest, and free love. Okay well maybe not the last one; nobody’s that sick.

Another man that’s a stinking Tory who is regurgitating his lower intestinal tract into words for us to read every day is Brian May, this nutter and his hair just blog instead of write songs, probably because years of brushing that mane have mangled his hands beyond repair.

Not enough though it seems to stop him from making some dreadful decisions.

Yes by dreadful decisions we are referring explicitly to working with The Splat In The Hat, Dappy.

It’s fine though guys – it’s hard to ruin a career when you can’t hear it behind the auto tune. This is what Dappy looks like when he’s living like a rockstar, which coincidentally is the name of the song and the only reason that Brian May is here. Well that and for some reason that he will take to his grave.

You can see the 24 year old sitting in a vacant swimming pool drawing tally marks and talking about Amy Winehouse and The 27 Club; which is absolutely the only reason why anyone will take notice of this dreadful song. Oh, respect to dead Fred as well Bri’.

Another stupid dead person is Jim Morrison and it seems his return isn’t friendly for the epileptics so, the afflicted might want to skip this dub butchery by Skrillex.

You can watch the video the actual promotional video here because some dufus didn’t put it on YouTube so we could embed it on this page. Concerning the video, to be fair to the friendly looking young man, this isn’t entirely his fault. Yes he quit his hardcore band to pursue a career as a DJ. Yes, he chose to remix The Doors. Yes, he forced the still barely alive members of the band to clap like robots. Yes, he is a terrible person. BUT it is something to do with a documentary and The Grammy’s in which the smarmy likes of Mark Ronson will remix songs from ‘traditional music’ they’re calling it Re:Generation and we’re calling it wrong. The live show looks thrilling though… if you’re into pollution of all senses that is.

Alas, it’s always a shame when a career doesn’t quite work out, it’s just so much hassle, but when you’ve been defeated it’s better to just cut your losses and move on. Santigold, clearly, is not a fan of this method. Yes, the woman who released a song nobody knows the name of an inordinate amount of years ago is back and she’s holding onto that multi-coloured childlike dearth of charisma with everything her scrawny frame will allow.

She probably drew the scenery and picked out those pleather shorts all by herself. She can probably cross the road by herself as well because she’s evidently still alive. Don’t you hate it when Santigold is still alive? It’s like if M.I.A if M.I.A wasn’t a bourgeois sign of the times for pretentious…Oh, well then.

For fans of: M.I.A.

All this bloody Lana Del Ray nonsense can bugger off back into the stupid void as well, she was never as good a singer as you wanted her to be and this whole SNL debacle isn’t as bad as you want it to be either so you can all bite your roguish tongues and cock right off. You know what was terrible about SNL? Daniel Radcliffe’s cardigan.

There was some more videos in store for you, but frankly we don’t want you to see them and instead will give you some Lionel Richie as punishment for your sins.

Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.

Okay so that was the best punishment ever huh?

Christ, we’re starting this year as we mean to go on, which is by turning up very late, slightly drunk, and not really having anything to say. So it’s a lot like last year really, except people might be taking things more seriously because we could all be about to die if the Mayans have anything to do with anything.

Frankly after all this hype we’re pulling for them. You can’t have an evolved civilisation and not be right about the end of the world, things just don’t work like that.

Characteristically we’re apologising for not doing anything for a whole 12 days, but you know we did spend £6.50 on one whisky and we watched New Girl so the recovery period was catastrophic if we’re actually over it yet (we’re not). But don’t worry your revitalised little hearts because nobody has done any music videos. Well some people did, but they’re just rude. Clearly anyone who is anyone is sitting at home and tweeting their well wishes to Beyoncé for having a child and then calling it Blue Ivy not Ivy Blue—a controversial move by the woman who thought a man who picked the last letter of the alphabet for a name was daddy material.

Sometimes it pays to be rude, so here are some videos that reaffirm your faith in how much you hate people. And, what with 2012 being the year of starting sentences with ‘and’ because we dare to defy your English teachers, by people we mean The Arctic Monkeys who you completely forgot existed didn’t you? Well they’re still around and apparently they have an album called Suck It And See.

Did you learn? Did you learn all about how Matt Helders can rock orange as good as anyone bar the entire cast of Con Air? It’s a fairly okay song called ‘Black Treacle’ and there’s little more to add than that, so we shout instead…

Bloody hell! It appears that this year is the year of continuing promotion for albums that came out ages ago which is exactly why whiny gits Death Cab For Cutie have a new song out! As you might expect it’s a bit, you know, whiny.

Hey! What’s this? It’s an acronym and acronym’s are always pretty daunting especially when they say “V.E.N.O.M.” Just remember that these are some lovely young chaps from Leeds and not mass murderers and you’ll be fully equipped to see ‘young’ men expressing their emotions via rabies and tie dye.

But who cares about that, once you realise that The Scissor Sisters are back? Did any of you care? Now they might have been gone a few years (roughly a million) but that’s no excuse for embracing electronica and rap and then just forcing them to penetrate each other continuously for four minutes; especially when the song is loosely paedophilic.

Yep, that was the video, it was a lot of children gyrating intercut with some shots of old men. That was it. If you didn’t hate it enough already then the worst person to ever win the NME ‘Cool’ list sing on the track—hence it being tripe.

Some other bands have videos out too, including one called The Slowdown who aren’t The Wanted or One Direction, but manage to look like both and they have a song called ‘Sex’ but, like us, you probably can’t be arsed more than anything you’ve ever not been arsed about. You could though treat yourself and watch this:

It’s so lovely. It was pitched as a short film by a real director and has real actors in who have been in things you pretend not to have heard of and love like Lovejoy and Mrs Henderson Presents, it even has a real narrative. It’s like young love but with old people and death and Alzheimer’s and stuff which is weird because we don’t think the song sounds sad, but we didn’t listen to the lyrics or anything, do people still do that?

“Y’all got tickets to see the Stone Roses? What? Manchester doesn’t like the Stone Roses? Aren’t they from here? Ladies and gentlemen… our special guests, THE STONE ROSES! They’re all out back cryin’ now…”

Das Racist aren’t your average hip hop outfit. Instead of bring the usual posturing that is seemingly obligatory in the world of rap, they pretty much stumbled into view almost as unprepared as we were when we first set sight on them.

Coming to Manchester, on the back of an appearance on the Conan O’Brien show, they stared out at the throng and looked as pleasantly bewildered as those staring back at them. Mercifully, from the neck down, everybody was dancing.

Laughing at the chorus of boos that met the Stone Roses chat, Das Racist’s between-song patter was as funny as their songs are. And humour is something that these reprobates trade in daily.

Of course, having a sense of humour in hip hop is a tricky thing. Years ago, De La Soul were happy to sing about shovelling chestnuts in their backpacks, while Ol’ Dirt McGirt would often fling out hilarious asides from whichever cultural reference his sharp, but addled mind, landed on. However, both acts have been prone to act tough for the sake of staying onside with the hip hop glitterati.

Not Das Racist. They clearly couldn’t care less. And it’s this wilful and enthusiastic embracing of amateurism which makes them such a fun, cool ride.

Whereas the likes of MC Paul Barman can go overboard on the LOOK AT ME, I’M A FUNNY RAPPER! thing, at times, nearing Weird Al levels of parody, Das Racist don’t even need to try. They look like they’ve never exerted themselves in their whole lives. They’re naturally funny and, mercifully, have the beats to back it up.

And so, without a care in the world, Heems, Kool A.D., Dapwell (and the Looking Like He’d Taken A Load Of Mushrooms Before Walking Onstage Lakutis) strolled onstage and promptly went about slaying everyone in sight with some super heavy basslines and slanted, skewed observations on… well… everything, ever. When settling in with Das Racist, you have to cling on tight or you won’t keep up.

See, while the backdrop featured Beyonce looking like a melted waxwork and Osama Bin Laden grafted onto some hideous demon body, from the stage, Heems indulged in some call-and-response, notably asking the crowd to shout “GET A REAL JOB!” and “THIS IS NOT WHAT I PAID TO SEE!” at him.

He then gave someone in the audience a banana.

While this all sounds far too zany, fact is, amongst it all is one of the tightest backcats on the planet. They launched into their impressive setlist setting feet to pound and brains to stun. The morning after, its hard to beat what the New York Times wrote about the group:

“Das Racist’s lack of piety has become an aesthetic of its own, with songs that are as much commentary on hip-hop as rigorous practice of it.”

Basically, Das Racist aren’t you’re average crew. Smarter than they look and wilfully dumb, they’re just about the most perfectly amalgamation of all that rap that’s gone before it. Of course, people don’t have much room to praise anyone but Tyler The Creator and Azealia Banks at the moment and, sure, while the latter is an exciting popstar, it feels like everyone backed the wrong pony with Odd Future.

For super fresh beats and smart-ass, bug-eyed rhymes, Das Racist kill all the opposition. Don’t tell ‘em though. They haven’t got a fuckin’ clue.

Let’s keep it that way.

Effortlessness is of course the cornerstone of cool.

That’s why the Chesterfield hanging out of the corner of James Dean’s mouth is better than the Benson being desperately tugged on by the 14 yr old on the corner of your street. It’s why more guitarists want to be Hendrix than Angus Young. It’s why every indie rocker in the late 80s wanted to be J Mascis.

And with that Dinosaur Jr reference we’ll move clumsily and rather obviously onto Yuck, a band who seemingly can’t be described by writers outside of the context of their apparent influences. Which is a pity since Yuck’s crime isn’t sounding derivative, it ‘s sounding authentic.

There’s plenty of bands that sound like they spent too many nights arguing over which is the best Sonic Youth album but few that have managed to amount to anything more than an NME cover. Late 80s American indie-rock is a tough genre to incorporate into your sound and retain an identity. Bands seem to master the sound and forget to write any memorable tunes. It’s why Biffy Clyro only soared when they realised that their heroes Nirvana were great because they wanted to write pop songs and the distortion pedals were the means, not the end. It’s also why The Vines are just a footnote.

The thirty-somethings in the audience tonight no doubt appreciated the familiarity of some of Yuck’s melodies, but the reason their debut album will be featuring in everyone’s lists at the end of the year isn’t just some exploitation of the plaid pound but their knack for songwriting  that manages to be both catchy and emotive. As great as the bands closest to their sound are/were, few of them had hooks that took up long-term residence in your head ready to burst out when the shower starts. Freak Scene and Teenage Riot are the exceptions that prove the rule.

For a band with just a debut album to their name, their set contains very little filler. Sure, new track Soothe Me seems surplus to their existing singles but the repetitive refrain of The Wall gets a surprisingly calm audience moving. Not that Yuck are begging for approval, that effortlessness belies an appreciation of the power of the instant hook. At their best, such as on Georgia, they manage a combine that hook with a perfect mix of listlessness and heartfelt sincerity.  Yuck, however have two settings and they unleash the slow-burners in the encore. The penultimate song  features percussion mixed to virtual silence resulting in a psychedelic jam reminiscent of My Bloody Valentine on a boring day. Maybe it was just an enormous intro to Rubber, with which they finished. This is probably the sort of thing we should know.

So here Yuck are, finishing the first chapter of their career- an assured debut, comparisons to all the right bands and a benevolent press talking them up. The second chapter will almost certainly feature the high-profile support slot and the talked about festival appearances. What follows after, the second album, will be the test…

A couple of new Amy Winehouse tracks have emerged online and on the radio (yes, people still listen to the radio unbelievably) and they are both getting a decent reception from fans.

It goes without saying that some people will be complaining about posthumous releases and others will STILL be banging on about her drink and drugs problems like that was ever a reason to not like someone’s music.

Anyway, you can listen to the tracks over the jump if you’re quick. Someone is bound to take them offline soon.

On ‘Like Smoke’, Winehouse teamed up with (Nasty) Nas on Like Smoke which was originally recorded in 2008 and debuted on BBC Radio 1Xtra.

Meanwhile, Our Day Will Come was played by DJ Chris Moyles on his breakfast show this morning.

Both are pretty decent and certainly don’t dent her back-catalogue negatively, so everyone should be pretty pleased with the results. The songs will feature on Amy’s posthumous album, Lioness: Hidden Treasures, which will be released on December 5.

£1 from every sale will go to the Amy Winehouse Foundation.

RWD Mag have new track Our Day Will Come (here) and other new track, Like Smoke, featuring the always tremendous Nas can be heard by clicking below.

Amy Winehouse ft. Nas – Like Smoke by azuredamus

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Michael Jackson, Jodie Marsh, Conrad Murray, economic downturn, Steve Jobs, Blackberry breaking forever due to the incompetence of everyone in Slough, X Factor being a bit more rubbish this year, Beyoncé not being pregnant, and Rihanna being a babe.

These are the majestic wide reaching array of things that have happened over the weeks that this wondrous column has been leaving your lives empty, cold, and in dire need of videos set to music that are laced with apathy, tits, and guns.

Just to hit home that it really is the end of the world, Jordan gave a speech at Oxford – glad you didn’t go now – University which was shorter than the umbilical cord which you definitely would have tried to strangle yourself with; let’s get down to business.

If you’re on Twitter and hate yourself, then you probably follow Tyler The Creator who feels the need to write his stark anti-capitalist political statements in capitals. You may have been prompted to riot, as swathes of us were, by such classics as, “NIGGUH WHATS GOOD?” Recently you may have seen feminist gem, “BITCH SUCK DICK,” which is coincidentally rather similar to his totally non misogynistic single ‘Bitch Suck Dick’ which has a video out and, yes, it’s every bit as terrible as it sounds.

But hey, if people will buy a song which consists of a young man saying, “swag, swag, punch a bitch,” then you can probably make a few bob with that crap novel you work tirelessly on in a more niche less upmarket version of Starbucks (tool).

This collage of crass tastes is styled as numerous television channels featuring Tyler and his friends Taco and Jasper and a man who appears to be the more homeless looking version of Morgan Spurlock who just smokes shirtless and aggressive into your screen. If anyone here is a bitch sucking dick, it is him.

Taco spends his portion of the video crafting the Underachievers Guide to Heston’s Christmas Cooking, to entice you into eating his slab of raw pig. He first coats it in a plethora of herbs, before dousing in Corona, and finally crushing with his arse. Tasty.

Hey! Have you seen the Children In Need official single yet?

The, dully titled, Collective is, er, a collective of entertainments dregs coming together, all of whom flee Radio 1Xtra to ruin a perfectly good (if not overused) Massive Attack song. The video, my God, my God the video… features Wretch 32, Tinchy Stryder, Tulisa and a whole bunch of other no-marks all frowning before black and white images of children in various states of decomposition.

Oh Ed Sheernan is there too with his ginger mop top drawing giant love hearts all over the shop. Deciding to turn up his furrowed brow for a bit is Gary Barlow who does absolutely bugger-all for anybody other than look sad a bit.

Plenty of brilliant videos by the likes of Bjork, Fucked Up, Metronomy, Girl, and many more were released recently, but then we thought you might be more inclined to learn Nas has a video for the simply titled ‘Nasty’ out right now and your peepers haven’t even seen it yet.

The conclusion of this three minutes is that Nas has the best life ever!  He drinks Remy Martin, which is Brandy for you cheapskates, smokes large cigars, rides around in massive limos draped in girls and ice, and hands his rings to children in the streets.

See? This is what the sorry Children In Need kids should have around.  Nas is just a walking enigma and clearly an excellent rapper who connects with the people or his subjects as he likes to refer to them and he has made a fan out of this Sprayer.  The odyssey begins here.

Enjoy your tragic existence for another week snot buckets.

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