We are pleased, delighted, and completely over-excited to inform you all that the popular director Michael Bay will be getting some money from a film studio to make a film called Ouija. Yes, it’s had a massive budget cut which means that the even more popular director McG probably won’t be directing it anymore, but fear not guys where’s there’s a will, there’s a Bay (see what we did there?)
We can’t show you a trailer because it’s not got that far yet, sadly, but just imagine people sitting in a dark room on the floor moving their hands, while pretending not to, around a wooden board. AOK.
Now, down to business, films, trailers, film trailers, they’re all over the place and one film gets like three trailers sometimes; talk about overkill. Those slick Hollywood suits know how you think though. They’re phone hacking your brain with technology far more sophisticated than we care to disclose at this time and they know you like the trailers.
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Today we got a text and what it said was profound and in caps. The delight that greeted us was simply, “TWO DAYS IN NEW YORK: JULIE DELPY, CHRIS ROCK.” We ignored it because why would we not?
We live in a world where it’s okay to like Julie Delpy and her massive idiosyncratic glasses that anthropomorphise her face; yes, we do realise that that’s not even possible. We live in this world, but we don’t have to like it (we do) and we definitely don’t have to watch it (we do).
Anyway, eurgh, movies are rubbish, especially the ones that haven’t even come out yet, they’re so rubbish that they make us feel emotions and always, always wish that our life was like them. It’s nice to wish your life was like the movies. It’s also delusional and if your favourite movie is Natural Born Killers then its borderline psychotic. Trailers are even more dangerous. Trailers compact this into two minutes of adrenaline fuelled longing; it’s like having emotional epilepsy. Shall we watch some trailers?
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In the late eighties, the UK was home to the most exciting music culture movement since punk as a mutation of house music, born in Chicago but exported to the warehouses and fields of Britain, re-wrote the relationship between artist and audience.
With Acid House, the crowd and the DJs were a partnership, both there to make equal contribution to the euphoria of the rave. As BPMs got faster in the nineties acid house begat rave which in turn begat jungle.
With the help of pirate radio, jungle (which was starting to be known by the less exciting but seemingly more popular name of ‘drum and bass’) became a dominant underground force. The importance of the crowd wasn’t the only way in which dance music challenged a comfortable and complacent music industry. The music may have been disparagingly called ‘faceless’ but rock’s cult of personality was a tired hangover from its heyday and certainly nothing to aspire to for a generation who had found a genuine alternative.
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Films, again really? In the midst of all this Chris Brown at the Grammy’s furore frankly we’re shocked that people haven’t suspended production and the studios been shut down, but then that’s show business and the show must go on.
Or something like that.
With that in mind here are the most terrible movies you can go and watch when you stop smiling from seeing The Muppets, which does have some terrible trailers before it in case you were wondering.
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It’s that time of the week once more where you get texts from distant relatives and Facebook friends you decided it was acceptable to dole out your mobile number to.
They are texting you because they know that you will be slinking back to a cold flat alone after work and they want your Orange Wednesday so they can go to the cinema with their real friends. You might not be invited, but you’re also not using it are you?
We know that you don’t want to cry all night so we’re going to let you watch some of the trailers for the films they might be watching this week then you can be part of the team (which you’re not because as we all know there’s no ‘I’ in team.)
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One of the big talking points from the Super Bowl commercial break was… well… Clint Eastwood. Away from that though, there’s a little excitement surrounding the trailer for Marvel’s The Avengers movie.
While most superhero flicks are brooding like Batman at the moment, it appears that The Avengers film is going to be pleasingly dumb, if the trailer is anything to go by.
So if you want to see it, strap in and watch things explode with Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr), Scarlett Johansson (Black Widow) and Hulk get into a giant scrap with a fella with long, greasy hair.
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Films. Movies. Whatever you call them, they are still being released. They’re always being released. They’ll never stop being released. Surely, at some point, we’ll reach a time when we’ve got enough films. We only need so many, right?
Anyway, until then, we’ve got to look at the newest flicks that are coming out. You can almost smell the stale popcorn.
So, here’s what the week in film trailers looks like for those of you who are hearing and/or visually impaired we’re doing the dirty work so you don’t have to.
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Plot holes! Popcorn! If you hadn’t guessed, hecklerspray is venturing into the world of film criticism and, as awards season rolls around again with all the depressing monotony of Madonna trying her best to make a movie, we couldn’t have picked a better time to start.
We’ve already seen The Golden Globes pass by like a bus that couldn’t be bothered to hit anyone and The London Critics Circle had an altogether more serious affair for the ‘proper’ films; they’ll be the ones you never saw while you were queuing for tickets to The Inbetweeners Movie.
Now though it’s time for that decrepit golden man to bestow some acclaim on some people who really don’t need anymore; enter Oscar. In other words – let us look at new trailers for new films.
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