Remember the kids’ TV show

Well, Enemy of Chaos is like Knightmare. Except it isn’t a TV show. It’s a choose-your-own adventure book and iPhone game. And it’s very, very funny. Yes, and an iPhone game. Having done almost no research into this, we can definitively confirm that this is the only book that’s been published with an accompanying iPhone application. Behold, friends, for tis the future!

Enemy of Chaos author, Leila Johnston, also wrote How to Worry Friends and Inconvenience People, which included jokes such as “say “sweet enough already” when someone offers sugar, and “white enough already” when they offer milk” and “make calls with a weary note in your voice, saying “Hello telephone, who are you pretending to be this time?”

See, funny, yeah?

You play the Enemy of Chaos, an ageing embittered geek plucked from a sedentary life of RSI, mild OCD and Doritos to “defeat disorder wherever it is found”, and you set off with an arsenal that includes anxiety attacks and a homeopathic tea bag (molecules contains a memory of tea in a concentration of 1 part per 10/400).

At the end of each section you get to choose which path to take. On the iPhone app, “start a fight” is a frequent option. Depending on your choices, along the way you’ll meet zombies, Demi Moore and your dad, and adventure through both the fantasy realm and the sort of awkward IRL social interactions which will be painfully familiar to anyone who – having paused an extended round of Half-Life to step into the bright, bright daylight to buy snacks – has haltingly attempted conversation with the newsagent.

Enemy of Chaos is hilarious and ferociously intelligent, and pokes gentle, nerdy fun at the sort of person who proudly wears their faded Red Dwarf T-shirt in public, and watches fantasy Manga tentacle porn in private.

There’s also a touch of Douglas Adams about it – you may find yourself going back to reread sentences which are often laugh-out-loud funny in their own right.

So buy it. Buy it for yourself, or your ICT teacher, or for that “bachelor uncle” who accidentally married another man in Second Life that time, and watch the tears of gratitude spill from behind those thick, thick glasses.

Post by the only slightly nerdy Robyn Wilder of Domestic Sluttery

So what if golf is played by the kind of smug cretinous goons who you would pretend not to notice were they getting ever limper under a dust cloud of ASBO fists on a late night bus – this game is amazing. It’s Golf. But it’s, like, Computer Golf.

All the same rules apply as with normal Golf – in that you use your stick to hit the gobstopper at the hole, or into your opponents face. Only, here you don’t have to dress up like a guffawing idiot who probably goes out for prostitutes when no one’s looking.

Play World Golf Tour now

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It is a sad time indeed to be a gamer, and one of the worst times for the affliction known as “always looking forward… itis… osis” whereby people insist on ignoring what’s about now and instead focus on what will be about in six months.

Of course, when the six months is up they just end up looking forward to the stuff coming in 2010, and so on and so forth.

The fools!

There are more than enough games around right now to get you through these painfully sunny days where you’re expected to actually move from your grotty little bedsit/parents basement.

Sod the sunshine/rain/overcast skies (delete as appropriate) – play inFamous, or Prototype, or revisit the Chronicles of Riddick and realise while it’s still great, it simply doesn’t have the spark it had on the original release.

Ignore the cries of happiness from the baying morons littering the bars around your homestead – they are lies. Instead, sit in your pants and shoot zombies with your equally-emaciated friends on Left 4 Dead. So they’re making a sequel too soon? So what – this one is out now, to play now – play it and shout at each other!

What we’re saying is – aside from the usual “avoid the outside as it’s full of tossers” thing – is that gamers as a whole need to learn to appreciate the here and now, and need to stop thinking that the best thing is just around the corner.

Titles never seem to get the appreciation they deserve on or soon after release. Instead they are hyped endlessly and looked forward to by thousands, only to be forgotten about until the inevitable retro feature a few years down the line which will ask “why didn’t we pay attention to it at the time?”

So live your life for the now, to the max – except not in that “to the max” way where you’re expected to jump off buildings into piles of flaming glass, or socialise or anything. No, we mean to the max in the sense of wearing the same pair of pants for four weeks as you attempt to finish Ikaruga on one life, and stop paying so much attention to what’s coming.

Though, to be honest, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 does have night vision goggles with the special edition… and Borderlands is looking better by the day…

THIS WEEK: As well as remembering to put the ‘THIS WEEK’ bit in, we also realised that Tales of Monkey Island is pretty darn good, and that in future we should have some faith in Telltale’s ability to… tell… tales. Anyway, back to the monkeys.

Even news about Lucasarts classics being remade and re-released on one of those new-fangled ‘digital distribution’ platforms, called ‘Steam‘, or something, which has suffered in the wake of the news of Michael Jackson’s death.

Wait – what do you mean Michael Jackson is dead?!

We hadn’t heard. Three hundred times a day. For the last four months.

Yes, since before he had even died.

Okay, so maybe part of the reason this has been overlooked is because this wonderful column which provides the sole source of gaming news for about 97 per cent of the population wasn’t here last week, but now it is, so pay attention.

We were Twatted with this earlier this week by some Lucasarts chap (not personally, mind):

“Amazing news coming Monday! Super excited! You have no idea how tough it is not to start yelling about it! But it’s secret! Until Monday!”

So, basically, we expected the world to literally explode with the incredi-ultra-megaton that was to be thrust our way.

Instead it was just the news that Lucasarts have realised they can finally get with the times and re-release a chunk of their back catalogue on Steam this Wednesday. Or “tomorrow” if you’re being pedantic.

And what are these games in question? See:

Armed and Dangerous
Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The Graphic Adventure
LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventure
LOOM
Star Wars Battlefront II
Star Wars Republic Commando
Star Wars Starfighter
The Dig
Thrillville: Off the Rails

So it’s a pile of games that were out a few years ago, one that was out last year and some bona-fide classic adventures (though strangely lacking Sam and Max or Day of the Tentacle). It’s not the haul we all maybe hoped for, but there is good and potentially good news to come.

For one, there’s the remake of The Secret of Monkey Island coming soon to PC and 360, meaning we get to look at a reskinned version of a game that we’ve replayed every year since it came out. So… that’s… life-changing.

Then there’s the new episodes of Monkey Island coming from Telltale. Which would be nice, were it not for the fact that the company have a questionable comic ability gland at the best of times, and this is a series which simply has to be funny. Don’t fail us, or there’ll be fire. FIRE.

And third, there’s the chance that if these re-releases on Steam and 360 do well, along with the new one on PC and Wii, we might get to see reskinned versions of the games we really want to see. Hello, Full Throttle.

Then again, there’s a chance we won’t, and this will all be as disappointing as if Michael Jackson died.

What do you mean he’s…

So, back to normal service it is. Hey – aren’t these things that happened over the last couple of weeks in gaming funny! Ho ho ho.

Seriously though – that whole PEGI/BBFC furore has produced some amazing bitchiness and a lot of people who didn’t care about the whole thing reacting in a way that suggests they still don’t care about the whole thing.

What a (two) week(s)!

In a nutshell: games in the UK were rated by one of two boards.

Either by PEGI (the Pan European Game Information ratings system), who would slap some easily-ignorable signs on a box to advise people on whether they should buy the game for their kids or not. These were not legally-enforceable, so an 18-rated game could be sold directly to a child.

Or by the BBFC (the British Board of Film Classification), who would put big, nasty signs on, the same as those you see on DVDs. These were legally-enforceable, meaning little Johnny couldn’t buy Grand Theft Auto himself. This meant his mummy would just buy it for him, then complain to the Daily Mail when the game swore/had violence/prostitutes were present/anything else happened that they would have been warned about would they have paid any attention to their child’s activities.

Basically, these two entities didn’t get along, and it was decided that one of the two should take over the reigns, rating all games released in the UK and telling you idiots out there whether something is appropriate for you or not.

The winner was PEGI, possibly after some kind of censorship-off where they saw who could fuzz-out the (in)appropriate parts of a woman’s anatomy fastest.

Hilariously, the BBFC commented after losing, saying:

“The BBFC has always supported PEGI and wished it well, but it continues to believe that it satisfies these requirements better than PEGI.”

Or: ‘they may have won, but we don’t care – we’re better. We don’t even care. We didn’t want to do it anyway. Rating games is for fat idiots.’

Petty, petty censorship children. You have to love it.

The main problem with all of this, though, is that everyone in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is an idiot, and these new certifications will either be completely ignored, totally misunderstood or not trusted by the populace.

Which would make them – as anyone who has worked somewhere that sells games or DVDs knows – just as useless as the current ratings system, legally-enforceable or not.

Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see what they’ll make of the game based on Lars Von Trier’s new film.

As we all know, playing violent games makes you a killer. Every individual at hecklerspray who has ever played a video game has a kill ratio of three people per game played.

It’s just common sense.

So thank Thor for the Germans and their incredible foresight when it comes to violent games potentially being entirely banned in their great nation.

Where other countries introduced age ratings, controlled advertising to keep things away from kids and generally encouraged parents to take an actual role in the parenting of their kids, the Germans have a long history of censoring everything and generally not allowing it to be released if it’s a bit too naughty for their liking.

Unfortunately, it seems their perfect plan does have some foibles and can still lead to violent psychopaths taking numerous lives, as evidenced earlier this year in Winnenden.

Obviously this is because the country still allows both the sale and production of violent videogames within their borders. It’s a blatant, causal link between things: kid plays violent games, kid kills people. Simple, right?

So in order to stop any violence from ever happening again, 16 Interior Ministers have asked the Bundestag (not an organisation fronted by Ming the Merciless, just their halls of power) to entirely ban not only the sale of, but also the production of violent games within Germany.

Obviously that would screw Crytek and the countless other German development studios, forcing them to either outsource, change tact or leave the country entirely – which, as we all know, is a hit the econony in the country can easily soak up. They don’t need the money of murder-enablers anyway.

While we initially disagreed with anyone directly linking violent acts to violent games, hecklerspray has felt the need to change its opinion on the matter as, well – who wants to argue with 16 pissed-off Germans?

Not us.

As a result, we are now abstaining from violent games in their entirety. No more Gears of War (abhorrent). No more Demon’s Souls (bloody). No more The Sims (people can die in it). No more Barbies Riding School (the horses could be hurt). No more Flower (your petals can be zapped). No more Theme Hospital (too many deaths). No more Tetris (mindless destruction). No more Nintendogs (too much poo).

Basically, it doesn’t leave us much choice. After all, we’re not entirely sure what “violent” means when it comes to gaming. But hey – we can shut our brains off and let the Germans decide what we should do. We hear they’re good at that.

THIS WEEK: We got over the fact that we couldn’t go to E3 and instead got really, really excited about some of the games on show. Then we remembered we shouldn’t be playing most of them as they’ll make us kill people, and we got a bit mad. Then madder. Then we went on a murderous rampage, as a result of the anger caused by the notion that we weren’t allowed to play some games. Wait! An epiphany!

Forget the various industry events and announcements at E3 – it’s time to get down to business.

In other words, which games were good and which were bad.

Now, I have adopted a very scientific approach to this – I basically played or viewed demos of any games I liked the look of during the three days and rated them either in the ‘buy’ or ‘don’t buy’ categories.

It was tough and took me ages, but I just wanted to let you know I really wanted to go the extra mile for you, the Hecklerspray public. Enjoy!!

GAMES I LIKED

1. Modern Warfare 2
Available on: Xbox 360, PS3, Microsoft Windows

The highly-anticipated follow-up to Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare drew gasps of excitement at the Microsoft press conference – and I for one can’t wait to get my hands on it.

The graphics look slicker and the game play faster and furious than its quite brilliant predecessor, with developers Infinity Ward even claiming it pushes the Xbox 360 to its ‘upper limits’.

Not sure about that, but I am certainly going to be at the front of the queue when it’s finally released on November 10. Five months and counting.

2. Forza 3
Available on: Xbox 360

I am the first to admit I am not the biggest racing game fan – mainly because I am rubbish at them – but I am actually considering getting Forza 3 when it comes out in October.

Head designer Dan Greenwall proudly told me ‘it’s the biggest and the best’ – and, after having a test drive, I tend to agree.

Running on 60 frames a second, the graphics are simply incredible and no expense has been spared in trying to make the driving experience as realistic as possible – even right down to the tyre pressure.

It’s been built by a team of driving enthusiasts, who describe Forza as their ‘passion’-  and you can tell.

There are 400 cars and 60 tracks to choose from – the most of any driving game – plus there are some pretty incredible tools with which to customise and spruce up your cars.

3. WET
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3

OK, so Dollhouse was a pile of crap, but in WET, Eliza Dushku, who voices hired killer Rubi Malone, could finally have a hit on her hands this autumn.

Dusku herself describes her as ‘a working class Lara Croft’, which I personally think kind of misses some of the appeal of the posh Tomb Raider.

But by the looks of the demo I saw, it looks a real winner, with Dusku’s raven-haired, gun-toting and sword-fighting Malone hitting all the right buttons.

It was also written by 24’s Duppy Demetrius, so expect some ludicrous plots and twists. I am also refusing to do any wet Eliza Dushku jokes

4. God of War III
Available on: PS3
This beautiful and brutal follow-up is sure to be a huge hit after attracting the most attention on the Sony booth.

From the demo I saw, a more fluid Kratos has an even wider selection of moves and weapons with which to smash up his enemies during the assault on Mount Olympus.

Only problem is you will have to wait until March to get your hands on it.

5. Halo 3 ODST
Available on: Xbox 360

It not only looks great, but it also looks a lot harder than previous entries in the series.

They really packed a lot into this game, so much so they have had to split the multi-player and story modes into two discs.

The multi-player disc includes all 21 original multi-player maps and three new ones, plus a new ‘firefight’ mode, which is an unending set of survival matches for up to four players against random waves of Covenant forces.

It’s due to be released on September 22, but if you are still not sure, just take in mind anyone who buys a copy will receive access to the beta of the next instalment, Halo Reach.

6. Splinter Cell: Conviction
Available on: Microsoft Windows and Xbox 360

I was never a huge fan of the first four Splinter Cells. I generally found the stealth modes slow and infuriating.

But after seeing a demo of Splinter Cell: Conviction – the fifth instalment of the Tom Clancy series, in which Sam Fisher investigates the death of his daughter, Sarah Fisher – I am thinking of actually getting it when it comes out in autumn.

The action, especially when Sam is in stealth mode, is smoother and there is also some really cool new gadgets to use, such as EMP grenades.

Ubisoft are even promising some extra features to the multiplayer modes.

7. Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles
Available on: Nintendo Wii
So just who is the hardest of the Ninja Turtles? Well, you get to decide in this fun four-player beat-em-up due out in September, which sees the green heroes battle each other on a variety of backdrops.

But you don’t have to be a pizza-loving reptile – you can choose from seven TMNG characters, even April.

It proves you don’t need the best graphics to come up with a winner – just a really playable and highly-addictive game.

8. Mass Effect 2
Available on: Xbox 360, Microsoft Windows

Of all the games I saw at E3, this was the one game that simply blew me away. It was almost worth queuing for 40 minutes just to get a sneak peak – just about.

The graphics are simply stunning and the depth of quality far beyond anything I have ever seen before from a console game.

So what have they done to improve it? Well, for starters, there are more weapons, improved action sequences and the ability to stop conversations mid-flow if someone gets on your nerves and you want to deal out some swift justice.

The result is a much darker and brooding game, with developers admitting they “expect Commander Shepard to die” while on his mission to recruit a selection of shady characters.

Those who played the first one can even download the decisions they made in the prequel. Only problem is you have to wait until early next year to have a go yourself.

9. New Super Mario Brothers
Available on: Nintendo Wii
This co-op side-scroller for up to four players will hit retailers around August and looks more addictive than crack-covered Pringles.

10. DJ Hero
Available on: Xbox 360, Wii, PS2 and PS3

Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of the Rock Band and Guitar Hero franchises, but there is only so much you can do with it.

The genre needs a kick up the arse, and with DJ Hero, Activision has a real winner.

To anyone who has played Rock Band or Guitar Hero, the premise is basically the same, with players having to play along on their plastic turntable to coloured markers as they scroll down the screen.

The only difference is that strumming or drumming is replaced by scratching, mixing and cross-fading.

My only concern is that splitting the atom might actually be easier.

But with 80-odd tracks to choose from, including Marvin Gaye, Eminem, Gwen Stefani, the Gorillaz, the Black Eyed Peas, and even more to download, there is enough to keep you trying.

11. The Conduit
Available on: Nintendo Wii
Published by Sega, The Conduit is a first-person shooter which looks like something you would get on the Xbox or PS3 – only it’s available exclusively on the Wii.

That means you get the benefit of aiming your Wii controller at your enemies while throwing grenades with your other. Don’t miss it when it’s released at the end of this month.

12. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Available on: PS3

One of the standout performers at E3, this follow-up to the story of antiquities hunter Nathan Drake not only adds both competitive and co-operative multiplayer modes but also slicker action, better graphics and improved artificial intelligence.

Simply brilliant. Pick up a copy this autumn.

13. Red Faction: Guerrilla
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3

Having never played any of the Red Faction prequels, I really did not know what to expect when I picked up the control.

But it is probably the game I enjoyed the most at the exhibition.

Available on both Xbox and PS3 and on sale now, developers Volition Inc have spent the last five years turning a first-person shoot-em-up into a third person shoot-em-up.

Not that guns are the only weapons available. In fact, the weapon of choice is hammers. Not your average household nail-hitter. I am talking hammers as big as yourself and capable of demolishing buildings in a single swipe.

And that is really what makes it so much fun:  you can pretty much destroy everything on the screen.

In fact, I spent most of my time ignoring the rest of the 15 competitors and knocking down large chimney stacks instead.

14. The Beatles: Rock Band
Available on: Xbox 360, Wii, PS2 and PS3

It’s hardly a stretch to imagine that if you take something as good as Rock Band and then add the biggest band of all time then you have a hit on your hands.

But even I was surprised at just how well it plays – and, even more surprisingly, how hard the drum parts are. Have they changed them?

GAMES I DIDN’T LIKE

1.  Lips 2: Number One Hits
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3

So, it’s basically Lips but with different songs.

Due out in October, this sequel focuses on only worldwide number ones, including MC Hammer’s You Can’t Touch This and Culture Club’s Karma Chameleon.

Yawn. Is it not time they tried adding something extra? Even the microphones are losing their sparkle.

And can I just point on, it has nothing to do with one of the Xbox team beating me in a sing-off. Bloody cheats!

2. Guitar Hero 5
Available on: Xbox 360, Wii, PS2 and PS3
New party play, in which any number of extra drummers bassists or guitarists can join in mid-song, fails to cover up the fact that it’s basically the same game as the rest with some different tracks.

Released on September 1, but it’s all starting to look a bit tired.

3. Brutal Legend
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3

Jack Black stars as a burly roadie who is whisked to a fantasy world, where he fights an odd collection of demons and villains with his axe – and some devastating guitar riffs.

Forgive me, but it just sounds like one of Black’s wet dreams – something I never want to be part of.

Amusing cut scenes fail to gloss over the fact the action is very awkward and slow. Released mid-October for those who still care.

4. Army of Two: 40th Day
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3
I should have known by the short queue that was I was not going to be impressed.

If you were a fan of the original third-person co-op shooter, I am sure you will like this second offering.

But for me, the graphics looks jerky, while the action and plot were both tiresome and annoying.

5. Dante’s Inferno
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3
I cannot believe I queued for so long to look at a third-person adventure game that was, well, boring. I have seen better plots in EastEnders.

6. Avatar
Available on: Xbox 360 and PS3
I was lucky enough to get a special screening of this game, due to be released in October – a couple of months before the much-anticipated 3D movie.

And, watching it on a 3D flat screen bigger than James Cameron’s budget and introduced by a very enthusiastic John Landau, you could not fail to be impressed.

The sound and special 3D effects are breathtaking. But as nobody actually owns a 3D TV, you wonder whether it will be just like any other half-decent third-person shooter on the Xbox and PS3.

It did whet my appetite for the movie, however – and I think that is the point.

7. Assassin’s Creed 2
Available on: Microsoft Windows, Xbox 360 and PS3

OK, I know this is a controversial choice, but I found the original Assassin’s Creed repetitive and dull – and from what I have seen of the follow-up, it won’t be much better.

Sure, set in 1486 in Venice during the Italian Renaissance, the artwork is quite stunning. The developers’ eye for historical detail should also be applauded, plus they have added new weapons and a superb double-kill attack.

But it’s supposed to be fun, right? And creating different body types for enemies is all well and good, but if half of them don’t react the way they should, or at all, what’s the point?

Don’t get me wrong, I am sure it will sell when it’s released on November 17, but I, for one, won’t be parting with my not-so-hard-earned cash.

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With E3 over with for another year, I thought it was time to take stock.

Well, I have had a great time and really enjoyed trying out lots of new games.

The highlight of the trip was meeting McLovin from Superbad, but really, I have to say, my celebrity quota has been quite poor – maybe they have actually heard of us.

In fact, the only thing I’ve probably caught is pig flu.

Anyway, I thought now was the time to reflect and being the bloke who does most of the lists on this site, I thought I would go through the biggest winners and losers from E3.

On Monday, I am also going to tell you which of the games I tried I would definitely buy, and which I wouldn’t touch with a bargepole.

Then I’ll stop droning on about bloody E3.

WINNERS
1. Booth girls

Who would have thought so many attractive girls were into gaming?

In fact, they are so into it, they spend most of their day at their favourite stand and even dress up for the occasion.

It’s wrong to admit, I know, but I spent most of the first day gawping at the booth girls followed by several moments of self-loathing as I realised just how young they are.

What I found particularly amusing is that while they are happy to lap up the attentions of thousands of sweaty, eager men, a quick look of disdain at any gamer who fancies his chances is never too far away.

So which was the best one? Definitely the EverQuest girl. Sad, isn’t it?

2. Ubisoft

Ubisoft really set the standard, with some very impressive demos for Assassin’s Creed 2, Ruse and Splinter Cell: Conviction, topped off with an early look at Avatar, which is due out in October, a couple of months before James Cameron’s ground-breaking movie.

Even legendary Hollywood producer John Landau was trundled out for every 40-minute showing to put us in the frame.

It certainly looked amazing, my only concern is that without 3D TV, you really are not going to get anything other than a pretty good third-person shooter.

3. Apple
OK, I am sure Apple was hardly holding their collective breaths at Microsoft’s expected announcement that their ‘iPod killer’ ZuneHD would somehow be integrated into the Xbox experience.

But, despite being promised that at E3 “attendees will see first-hand how Zune integrates into Xbox LIVE to create a game-changing entertainment experience”, all we got was the news that Zune Video Marketplace had moved on to Xbox Live.

Where was Zune audio? And where was the deeper Zune integration we were promised?

If Microsoft are going to get anywhere near Apple on this, they need to speed things up. I cannot see myself ditching my iPod in a hurry at this rate.

4. Activision

With DJ Hero, developed by FreeStyleGames and available on Wii, PS2, PS3, Xbox 360 in October, and Modern Warfare 2’s breathtaking demo at Microsoft’s press conference on Monday, Activision were the standout stars of E3.

5. Mario

With four new Mario titles announced for this year – DS Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story, Super Mario Bros, Super Mario Galaxy 2 and Mario vs. Donkey Kong: March of the Minis – it is going to be another great year for the pint-sized plumber.

6. Sony

Sony was almost relegated to the loser camp because of the really boring press conference and their failure to introduce a new, slimmed-down version of the PS3.

But with PS3 exclusives, like the quite brilliant UnCharted 2 and Gran Turismo 5, and the impressive PSP Go, this could well be a good 12 months for Sony.

7. Electronic Arts
I was not that impressed with the previews for Dante’s Inferno, Army of Two: The 40th Day, Brutal Legend or Fight Night: Round 4, but in Mass Effect 2 EA probably had the best game at E3.

8. THQ
The new Homefront and Red Faction games are sure to be huge hits.

9. Microsoft

Microsoft has simply blown Nintendo and Sony away this week. Their press conference was the only one where I did not feel I would have happily gnawed my own hands off just to get out of.

Plus, I am genuinely excited, if not a little creeped out, by ‘Project Natal’ and the latest social media add-ons to Xbox Live.

Their presentation was packed with A-list celebrities, moved along at a fast pace and was genuinely exciting.

The announcement of Metal Gear Solid: Rising coming to the 360 was the icing on the cake.

10. Lego

Lego: Rock band

OK, I’ll admit I am a sucker for Lego. Since I was a kid, I have loved everything Lego – and nothing has changed much since. In fact, I would like to make the whole world Lego, if I had the chance. I could call it Legoland – imagine that?

If Sting turned himself into a Lego character, I might even like him. OK, maybe not. Anyway, this year’s E3 saw new titles such as Lego Rock Band, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones and Batman.

They all looked brilliant and are sure to welcome new generations into Lego. Remember kids: don’t make war, make Lego.

11. E3 organisers
After last year’s bore, organisers should give themselves a collective pat on the back after delivering an event that was packed with exciting events, news and exhibits. It was back to the old days.

LOSERS
1. Our wallets
If Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft are serious about picking up new gamers they are going to have make it affordable. This year’s E3 yielded not one price cut from the big three.

2. Handheld controllers

Microsoft has really set the cat among the pigeons with their ambitious Project Natal – an impressive and complex full-body, hands-free motion-sensitive control system.

It dared to ask the question: do we need controllers at all? And even suggested the traditional games controller has long been the barrier to more people becoming gamers.

Sony, whose own PS3 motion controller does actually have, well, a controller – a buttoned device with a glowing sphere at the top – disagree, insisting gamers like to feel something in their hand (I know I do).

And they certainly have a point – Microsoft’s bold vision provides more questions than answers.
But one thing is for sure: the way we look at games controllers is going to change.

3. Nintendo

The best thing I can say about Nintendo’s E3 performance was that it was not as bad as last year’s. Fantastic announcements, like the new Mario, Metroid, Golden Sun DS and Zelda games, could not save it from finishing a distant third in the battle of the big three at E3.

Now, before Nintendo fans stop start having a go, quoting sales figures etc and such, I am only talking about their performance at E3.

And no matter how many time Nintendo fans whooped during their drab press conference at really insignificant moments, it does not cover up the fact the only thing they had to show off – Wii Motion Plus, a small cube that plugs into the bottom of your Wiimote, allowing the controller extra sensitivity – was announced at last year’s event.

What made it particularly annoying is that the speakers failed to even recognise that fact.

Sure, by the looks of the demo they provided on Wii Sports Resort, it will certainly sell.

But where were the announcements for a bigger and better Wii Balance Board and more Wii MotionPlus games?

4. Sony online
Really disappointing E3 from the Sony online team, whose only notable new game, DC Universe, looks a flop.

5.    The weather
I cannot believe it is sunnier in London than in LA. Apparently, the locals call it ‘June gloom’.

Typical. Mind you, still managed to get sunburnt.

6.    LA cab drivers
I thought London and New York cabbies were rude, but these are a breed apart.

The pick of the bunch was a guy who told me to get out, stop being lazy and walk back to my hotel. Now, he had a point. It was a 15-minute walk. But it was raining and I had been on my feet all day. And, besides, what’s it got to do with him.

So I lost my rag and walked home in the rain anyway.

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What this means is there’s little else going on in the gaming world and it’s hard for us to think of much else to cover.

So why not just go read Dave’s E3 columns for your fix on the breaking news and just to see him boasting about how he gets to go to LA for free like a massive, massive twerp.

Jealousy: our strong point. But read on for things we’ve been trying to think about this week while we avoid the thought of E3. Namely: why summer is stupid and ruins gaming, why Demon’s Souls is stupid and ruins gaming and why the recession is stupid and ruins gaming.

See, while the peons among us have to stay back in sunny old Blighty, we still have to entertain ourselves. The thing is, we’re experiencing a nice spate of weather – a huge rarity – and we are expected to leave the house and sit in the sunshine.

This is a Very Bad Thing. Why? A few reasons.

Idiots come out when it’s sunny – you know the type: shaven-headed, not wearing shirts, usually with either violent-looking dogs or mini-scooters. Sun + plants = hayfever, which ruins many lives each year. The sun shines too bright and means you can’t see the screen properly, should you actually manage to get some gaming time. And finally, and most importantly, leaving the house means you don’t get to play games any more.

All of these elements combine to make for grumpy gamers. We like our pale skin, our lack of social skills and we like making progress in games. See this handsome writer’s column from exactly one year ago for proof.

Which leads nicely into the next point, about From Software’s Demon’s Souls and the progress made in it. Or lack thereof, should we say.

See, these rare occasions when we’ve been able to stay indoors when we really should be outside being sociable, playing extreme Frisbee and drinking cider, we’ve been playing on one of the hardest games to come out in recent times. And it really lives up to that tag.

When it finally comes out over here, if it does at any point (US release confirmed!), you’ll see. Not that anyone bar the arrogant, knowledgeable ones (hello!) will buy it.

And why is the recession stupid? Because it means we have no money, and when we have no money the last thing we want to do is buy loads of games. So why do the likes of Steam and Good Old Games insist on reducing prices to obnoxiously low levels, thus encouraging us to spend our money for essentials on the likes of Duke Nukem 3D and Freedom Force?

Bastards.

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Well, now you can, thanks to a new video game which allows you to sing, strum and drum along to your favourite Beatles tracks – and Octopus’s Garden.

The Beatles: Rock Band was officially launched by Sir Paul McCartney and Starr at the start of E3 in Los Angeles and will be released in September.

They were even joined by Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison, the wives of the dead half of the Fab Four, John Lennon and George Harrison.

Macca said: “It’s a fun idea which broadens the appeal of The Beatles. I like people having the opportunity to get to know the music from the inside out.”

For those of you who have never played Rock Band or Guitar Hero, it is basically a game where you and your mates can pretend you are actually musically gifted by hitting buttons on plastic guitars and drums.

The Beatles: Rockband

Ever modest, Starr announced: “The game is good and we were great.” ‘Were’ being the important word there.

McCartney showed just how much he was involved in the making of the game, by adding: “Whoever would have thought we would have ended up as androids?”

Mind you, having seen the game played on stage, it does look pretty good. Thankfully, Yoko did not feel the need to have a go.

The remaining Beatles’ surprise appearance came at the start of a formidable line-up for the Xbox 360.

Trailers for Left 4 Dead 2, Crackdown 2, Forza 3, Final Fantasy XIII, Splinter Cell: Conviction, Joyride and Halo 3 ODST, among others, all looked pretty impressive, but the star of the show for us was Modern Warfare 2, which is due to be released on October 11 and simply looks brilliant.

Even more exciting was the news that Metal Gear Solid is coming to the Xbox. However, there is no release date for Metal Gear Solid: Rising.

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If your idea of fun is talking to your TV and jumping around your room like an arthritic monkey with an itchy bum then we have some very exciting news.

Microsoft has come up with a way to play console games without controllers.

Compatible with any Xbox 360 system, the ‘Project Natal’ sensor was finally given its first public outing by Microsoft at a celebrity-packed press conference, prior to E3, in which they also unveiled a strategy for making the company’s game console a gateway for movies, television and social networking.

So what does it do? Well, it’s basically a piece of kit that tracks your full body movement in 3-D.

It is also voice-activated and even responds to the slightest shift of emotion in your voice.

You don’t even need to login anymore – you simply walk in front of your TV and it will recognise you automatically. Which is, admittedly, quite creepy.

Microsoft even welcomed Steven Spielberg on stage to help push it – and he is clearly quite a fan.

He believes it will “break down barriers”, insisting, “The vast majority of people are scared to pick up a controller.”

It’s not a phobia I have ever heard of, but still…

He also added: “Microsoft are not re-inventing the wheel, they have just got rid of the wheel completely.”

Which is all very good, but are we really ready for a juggernaut with no wheels?

Obviously, Microsoft is doing a Wii and trying to open up gaming to the masses.

But will it succeed – and is it the future of gaming? Well, it’s obviously hard to judge until you actually have a go.

But from what I saw on stage, it looks pretty impressive. Sure, some of the movements were not captured accurately, particularly when turning around, but it still looked pretty impressive and they still have time to perfect it before its as-yet-unveiled release date.

x-box motion control

However, using the dashboard by swishing your hands back and forth did look a bit Minority Report (no wonder Spielberg is such a fan).

From the few games we saw, it still has a way to go to rival Nintendo, but at least you have to get off your sofa to play it, which is a comfort, as I am sick of my asthmatic mum beating me at Wii Tennis from the comfort of her couch while I run around the room like a blue-arsed fly.

It certainly looks more physically demanding, which I have mixed feelings about, being a lazy git.

I mean, the last thing I want after a hard day at the office is to jump around my living room.

But then, to help lazy people like me out, Xbox have also come up with yet more features to help keep me firmly in my sofa.

In fact, if it was not for Project Natal, you would think Microsoft would be happy to turn me into a boneless mass of flesh, capable of only the smallest of spasmodic movements and reluctant to leave my living room.

Firstly, you soon won’t need to check your laptops to see whatever is happening on Twitter, Last.fm or Facebook - because as from the start of autumn, they will all be available on the Xbox.

Twiter on the XBox

Through Facebook Connect, you can even capture your finest video moments and put them on your Facebook profile, presuming, of course, you have any by this stage – freinds that is.

Microsoft even got American actress Felicia Day to demonstrate it. She admitted walking into lampposts while twittering – so, presumably, the point of using her was to stress even an idiot can use it.

TV and movies have also been thrown into the package. Starting sometime in the autumn, more people from around the world can watch a broader selection of TV shows and movies in 1080HD without having to download them, bringing the experience more in line with what iTunes Store users have long experienced, but at a higher resolution.

The video shop for purchasing and renting digital movies for the Xbox 360 will be rebranded ‘Zune Video’, after the company’s portable media player.

UK and Ireland subscribers can also watch live Premiership football and other Sky programmes through their Xbox thanks to a deal with the broadcasting giant. So you will have more chance to use your awesome piece of cutting-edge technology to watch Shane Richie present Don’t Forget the Lyrics. Joy.

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This week, erstwhile hecklerspray listmaker extraordinaire David Schwartz has flown out to California to cover the E3 expo. Here’s the first instalment of his E3 diary…

Five minutes in LA and I am stalking someone already – Snoop Dogg.

He was in the same passport control queue as us and almost made the several days we spent in it worthwhile. Of course, we tried to have word with him but were soon scared off by his bodyguard, who is officially the biggest person I have ever seen (take note Norris McWhirter).

I think he ate the last journalist who had the temerity to ask Snoop a question and then flossed with his photographer.

Being suitably scared off from asking a question (even though, I’ll be honest, at that point, I was still trying to think of something to say), I tried to get my camera out of my suitcase.

But by the time I managed to get the damned thing to work (which is slightly ironic as I supposed to be looking at all the latest gadgets coming out at E3 and I can’t even take a picture), he was gone.

One of the party I was with did manage to get a shot of him, but with House from Police Academy blocking out the sun next to him, it is not the best photo of him.

I have not given up – yet. But maybe I should.

After all, I am in LA to go to E3 – and I am really not sure Snoop is in town to try out the new Bioshock. I REALLY hope I am wrong. Imagine playing against him at Grand Theft Auto on Xbox Live?

The trip was arranged by Microsoft, who tell us they have some hot news.

For inviting us, we are very grateful, but if they think a trip to LA is going to colour my judgement they have another thing coming.

As always, hecklerspray will say how it is and true to our readers. Although, can I just say, the Xbox is fantastic and from a certain angle and bad lighting (i.e pitch black), its profile looks a bit like Scarlett Johansson’s breasts.

Hopefully, I have to say, the news Microsoft has to tell us is going to be hotter than the weather. It seems typical that, having left a beautifully-sunny London behind, we are greeted by greying skies. The weather forecast does not offer much hope either. Once again God craps in my ear.

More disturbing is the news that Marisa Tomei is apparently a bit stuck-up. In fact, my cabbie, after I started fishing around about celebrity passengers he had had, confided with me that all the taxi drivers in LA hate taking her because she is such a pain.

The one bright spot is that within five minutes of landing details of the new PSP had ‘accidentally’ been leaked.

Qore, Sony’s downloadable PlayStation 3 propaganda video, included a feature on the handheld’s re-design – and even promised entries into the Metal Gear Solid, Jak, and Gran Turismo franchises.

Of course, the fact Sony wanted to steal a march on Microsoft before tonight’s big press conference had nothing to do with it.

But what else is going to happen at this year’s event, which starts later today? Well, here are our predictions:

1 – Microsoft launches new motion controller for the Xbox
If Microsoft is going to keep the Xbox 360 on the market for at least the next three to four years they need to keep subscribers interested. A new motion capture would do just that. They had the ‘Newton’ flying 3D mouse waggle wand in development for over a year now and the recent rumours are about a camera and sensor bar. I will probably make some cack-handed attempt to try out new motion controller – and end up on my backside. Hopefully, they will get some celebrity to try it out.

2 – Microsoft tells us why we should ditch our iPods
The latest iPod killer from Microsoft, Zune HD, will get an airing, with the help of some very hot games. As for convincing us to get rid of our iPods, all I will say is, good luck!

3 – Nintendo hit back
After bombing at least year’s event, Nintendo are going to come out all guns blazing. New Metroid, Legend of Zelda and Mario releases are expected, but is there going to be more?

4 – E3 is a lot more fun than last year’s event
Well, it could not be any worse.

5 – Slimmer and slightly cheaper PS3 is announced
My total guess, it will probably be about £70 cheaper and be available before the start of June.

6 – Microsoft announces new Halo, Alan Wake, Metal Gear Solid 4 and Mass Effect 2 for Xbox 360
Gamers everywhere wet themselves in excitement.

7 – Sony announces Gran Turismo 5 for PS3
Hooray!

8 – Despite the weather, I still end up horribly sunburnt and looking like The Singing Detective

9 – I get terribly drunk and end up sharing a taxi with Marisa Tomei
Read above to understand this terrible joke.

10 – Sony steal Microsoft’s thunder by accidentally launching details about their new PSP
Well, I needed to get one right.

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It’s happened before and it will happen again – stories that are simply too good, that write themselves and just don’t need any additional comment to make them funny.

Obviously that won’t stop us from commenting on them, as we’re nice like that.

This week came the particularly special news that ex-Beatle-ex and hecklerspray mainstay Heather Mills was asked to appear in the Capcom game Bionic Commando.
For those not clued-in, Bionic Commando is a remake of a 22–year-old game about a bloke with a robotic arm who goes around swinging from things using a built-in extendo grappling hand and shooting bad bastards to save the world.

It’s easy to see why they approached Heather Mills. The similarities are… errm… yeah. Though there is a chance that neither of them can jump.

After The Sun reported the story last week, it wasn’t long before Heather responded in her trademark level-headed fashion through the godsend for celebrity reportage that is Twitter:

“Got offered to promote an amputee bionic computer game, from a wealthy computer games company I said if you donate a large sum to charity. The stingy company came back saying they couldn’t, what happened to charitable businesses, seems they just want to exploit and give nothing”

Ah, another one of Heather Mills’ trademark personality traits – selfless generosity. A charity campaigner she may be, but that’s a charity campaigner with quite a cushy lifestyle thanks in no small part to an astonishing divorce settlement and many questions surrounding how many of her claimed donations she has actually made.

But back to the news – let’s try and analyse how the thinking behind this went.

She has a false leg.

That’s about it.

What that means is she isn’t really the kind of “bionic” Capcom were looking for. One is a ridiculously over-the-top money grabbing ploy, harking back to a past it cannot hope to recreate and involving some ludicrous false body parts.

The other is Bionic Commando.

Now whoever didn’t see that joke coming can just leave. Forever. Even if we did just refer to Heather Mills as a “ploy”.

And this is all without even mentioning the bit about how Mills now wants a game made where you can “shock the privates” of The Sun journalists. Bit harsh, love – we can be good people.

Elsewhere this week in News Making Us Go “Eh?” – it was reported, though swiftly retracted, that Bill Clinton had been approached to appear in professional time-stealing title Fallout 3. Who was big Willy set to play? Why, the President of the United States, of course.

It may have turned out to be a half-truth, but it still made us giggle a fair amount.

And it would have been a billion times better than any game with Heather Mills in it.

THIS WEEK: We were both annoyed and delighted by the news that Demon’s Souls is to be brought to the US, meaning it’s surely only a matter of time before it gets a proper release in Europe. Obviously this is brilliant, but why did they wait until two months after someone had forked out £48 for a copy to break the news? Arse.

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Gaming is normally covered by news outlets as one of the worst threats to our Way of Life imaginable, guilty for murder, destruction and the general destruction of the human race as we know it.

So it’s always nice when there’s a single thing in the mainstream press that manages to be both positive and reasonably interesting.

Well, more interesting than Cooking Mama selling four million. Four million.

Shock of all shocks, there have been at least three whole stories reported on by real news places over the last week, all of which avoiding the urge to decry gaming as the arbiter of doom and one even slating Keith Vaz. Amazing.

Anyone flicking through The Guardian yesterday may have noticed the full-page spread with an accompanying picture of Grand Theft Auto IV (points for originality: nil).

Most would think: “Oh dear god not again, we all know it causes everyone to kill everyone. Get over it.” But quiet, you fool, for this is the bastion of truth, justice and liberalism that is The Grauniad.

Nay, this time the paper were covering a story championing the cause of British development types, who do not enjoy the same tax cuts as those in other, possibly better, countries. Like Canada.

There was even a dig at Keith Vaz, a rubbish Member of Parliament who tends to slate games all the time, like a rubbish version of Jack Thompson.

Moving to the States, we see yet another positive piece from a real news place – even though it involves kids playing games in school, which would surely cause any normal hack to start frothing at the mouthgash. Will the madness never end?

Probably not, because teaching kids how to drive safely by playing Mario Kart Wii is already pretty much a new plateau of madtitude.

Finally we have the brief mention of the Videogame Nation exhibition at Manchester’s Urbis in most British papers, adding credence to the notion that games can indeed be classed as art.

Whatever “art” is.

So yes, Beyond Good and Evil 2 may not be being shown at this year’s E3, and no, some of us can’t actually go to E3, and yes, some of us want another sandwich but have run out of bread, but at least there’s some half-decent reportage of gaming news for once.

While we could hope this is the beginning of a new era where The Daily Mail tells us how Manhunt is actually a fine exploration of true stealth mechanics, we know it isn’t.

Next week it’ll be back to normal and there’ll probably be some fine Keith Vaz quotes to throw around. Ah well.

THIS WEEK: We wondered how much progress could be made on a game, and how it would be possible for the collective consciousness that is “we” to successfully play through Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena. Apparently it isn’t – it will have to remain an activity for the fabled “I”.

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It’s getting to summertime now, so there really isn’t much going on in the world of gaming – some previews here, some other things there and a lot of press gumph everywhere else.

That won’t stop us from finding fault in the few news nuggets that are plopped out, though.

The Wii is now one of the most sought-after wedding presents, according to department store John Lewis.

Why is this bad? Because it will perpetuate the notion that people want tons of dirge shovelled their way in the form of ‘hilarious’ party and sports games for Nintendo’s obscenely popular wagglebox.

The Cooking Mama series has sold over 4 million.

Why is this bad? Because Gardening Mama is an atrocity, on a par with the worst war crimes committed between 1939 and 1945 and is exactly the same as that bit on The Simpsons where they parody the kind of video games kids will play.

But hey, it can’t all be bad can it?

Probably not. Thief 4 has been announced, but then they’ve gone and put a number in its name – Thi4f – meaning it’s suddenly lost all appeal it ever pretended to have.

So where is the good news? Hmm. Well, 3D Realms died a death, taking with them Duke Nukem Forever.

When a game is so long in the making it becomes a very well-known joke amongst gaming types, you know it’s been a long time coming. When it’s Duke Nukem Forever it’s a different story altogether.

Originally announced in 1997, DNF was set to revolutionise the way we played first-person shooters, following hot on the heels of the successful – and excellent – Duke Nukem 3D.

Then it was delayed. Then it was delayed a smidge more. Then it was delayed a little bit more.

Then they delayed it a lot more.

And a bit more.

12 years later, the game wasn’t cancelled, but 3D Realms, the company making it, was.

Yes, rather than the end to the saga that everyone expected whereby the game was pulled from release schedules, dropped from development and cancelled, we instead get this.

Rather than the acrimonious reaction we all expected from those eagerly awaiting the game, we get an eerie sadness taking over.

What was once a joke laughed off as vapourware has now died, and not through any fault of its own. This unfortunately removes all of the inevitability and comedy from the death we all expected, meaning it’s harder to take the piss.

We shed a tear for you, Duke Nukem Forever, and all your newly-unemployed strippers who no longer have anywhere to shake it, baby.

Whatever “it” may be.

Good lord news is depressing.

THIS WEEK: After wiping away the last tear for DNF, we realised it would probably have been rubbish anyway and went straight back to Fallout 3. Again. We also waited by the door like a dog who has a special relationship with the postman for our copy of Demon’s Souls. Come on Hong Kong, what’s the hold-up?

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