Video games get sequels all the time. We’re near-constantly being beaten around the head with them. Yet, there are few video games that prompt more feverish excitement amongst fans than the Resident Evil series, so let’s have a gander at the trailer for Resident Evil 6 shall we?
The uneducated will confuse this with the trailer for some dreadful Underworld-style actual film, but hardcore Resident Evil fans will be simultaneously excited and dismayed by the teasers for ‘the gaming experience of 2012’ (ie: ‘the gaming experience of four hours of 2012 so they can be the first to post a review on gamefaqs.com’).
Use your bleary, bloodshot eyes to watch the trailer and read our jokes over the jump:
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The Grand Theft Auto series is like a biblical dynasty, with more and more versions being released on what seems like an almost daily basis. Before long we’ll be able to chart our lives by where we are when the new GTA was released.
Like how the elderly chart theirs by when JFK or Elvis died, or One Direction fans will when Harry Styles finally succumbs to hairspray poisoning and he’s found slumped over Caroline Flack’s riddled corpse, herself only recently imploded under her own sense of self worth.
Well before that happy occasion arrives, you can all just shut up and read our brilliant and totally 100% correct in every which way review of Grand Theft Auto 3 for iOS and even some Android phones.
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What have you done today? Bet you’ve dragged yourself through your dreary life, bumping into other insignificant doldrumites, who clamour for their carcinogenic hit of Heat magazine to find out what that family of soulless prostitutes we call Kardashians are up to.
Frankly, between us, you sicken us. Maybe you should try a little harder and people will stop thinking you have an alcohol problem and smiling inanely at you when you struggle to open the bottle of Pepsi Max you have with your Boots Meal Deal.
Whereas us, we’ve jumped from cloud to cloud to return an angelic harp to a sad Saint Peter, made a deal with Death himself to let us pass, and ensure that once Britney Spears does pass, she doesn’t return in a zombie form and a red pleather catsuit and managed to lose our girlfriend in a mythical land. So not a bad day’s work really. Bet all the exercise that you’ve had is strumming yourself in the Tesco car park while thinking about how sexy him from Outnumbered is going to be soon. You sicken us.
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When the first Uncharted game came out way back in 2007, it took us a while to buy it. It’s not Drake’s fault, it’s his big-titted predecessor Lara Croft, and the infuriating Tomb Raider series.
It’s not her big polygonal boobs, or the clipped British accent, or the fact that she’s so ridiculously minted she can afford to piss about, travelling the world and shooting a host of endangered species – it’s that the games she starred in were steaming piles of bear turd, with a terrible shooting dynamic.
Then, one day, with little interest for a new “treasure hunting” game, it dawned on everyone that Uncharted was a game where you could pretend to be Indiana Jones. What’s not to like about that?
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Fifa vs Pro Evo. It’s a battle that has caused many a forum argument and playground bullying campaign as people try to decide which provides the better footballing experience. A battle that has had fresh life breathed into it with the release of the demo versions of Fifa 11 and Pro Evo 11 on both Xbox Live and PSN.
Having spent a long time playing both the latest Fifa and Pro Evo demos I can tell you that they once again offer a broad range of differing aspects of the game… and all of them are boring and insignificant. Read More >>>
Tiger Woods is back! You remember him, he’s the one that made golf vaguely interesting for five minutes by having sex with every woman on Earth.
Fresh from his stint in rehab for sex addiction, a condition that only seems to affect pro-sportsmen, the golfing god has returned and passed down to us his latest gospel, the imaginatively titled, Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2011.
EA were one of the few companies to stick with Tiger after he was struck down with a crippling case of horniness, mainly because without him they’d be lumbered with an officially licensed PGA game that didn’t have a bankable name gracing it’s cover and wouldn’t be able to shift any copies.
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IGN is reporting that a set of 21 Gears of War 3 images has been leaked to the web.
The images predictably show the latest protagonists and backdrops of the first-person shooter series. The multi award-winning Gears of War franchise takes place on the Planet Sera which, much like the planet of Pandora, contains some bizarre mineral that is highly sought after as a power source by us menacing Earthlings and pits the humans against the indigenous population.
The images are beautifully rendered… but why should anyone care? Leaked images from a game in development are almost pointless, they don’t convey the frame rate, set the mood or the show the depth of the level design.
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I’m not a gamer. I’ll happily have an evening with a controller and a few beers, but when my thumbs start to blister and my eyes crust over, I rejoin the real world.
Having said that, I’m not lacking that manchildish streak that still gets pants wettingly excited at the prospect of being a cowboy/ pirate/ zombie/ space marine/ Elvis.
You only have to see the average stag do to see grown men, thanks to intoxication and a flimsy excuse, donning the likeness of their particular hero and having a jolly good prance about.
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